Not Mine to Give

by Laura Landon

  “It’s late and we must return home. Where is the crown, Kate?”

  “What you want is here, Duncan. It’s here before you.”

  Duncan followed her gaze to the statue and knew. He looked at his wife, then up to the statue, then back to his wife. The tortured expression on her face told him he had found the treasure he, and England, and Scotland, had been searching for.

  She took a deep breath then bowed her head and made the sign of the cross. Slowly, she lifted herself to her feet.

  Duncan could not miss the heaving of her chest nor the arm she put out to steady herself. “Are you ill, Kate?”

  “I’m tired, is all.”

  She held her hand to her middle and took another deep breath. Her pale face held little expression, her movements seemed slow and deliberate. How could he tell her she had nothing to fear? He would protect her even after she got the crown. Even after he had it from her.

  “Let’s get this over, Duncan. I’ll need you to help me.”

  He stood and followed her to the altar. When they reached the statue, she lifted her trembling fingers and touched the feet of the Shepherd. “You’ll have to stand on the altar, Duncan.”

  Duncan flung his knee over the rim of the altar and stepped up until he was even with the statue.

  “Wrap your arms around the statue and turn. I’ll hold the base from here. When you feel it loosen, lift. I’ll tell you when to put it back. It will be heavy.”

  “Aye, lass,” Duncan said, straining to lift the statue. “It’s heavy.”

  Duncan did what she told him and on the second try he felt a tug, then the body of the Shepherd separated from the feet. He could not believe it.

  “How did you hide the crown by yourself?”

  “Your Father Kincaid helped me. I didn’t know about this hiding place. He showed me where to put the crown then told me who I was to give it to.”

  He didn’t want to believe her, but what she said must be true. Father Kincaid must have helped her hide the crown, for Kate was not strong enough to lift the statue by herself. Could it be their own Father Kincaid had instructed her to give the crown back to England?

  He held the statue and watched his wife lift the object covered with a white cloth from the hollowed-out center of the base. She wrapped her arms around it and held it close to her breast.

  Duncan put the statue back in place and stepped down beside his wife. “You have done well, Kate. You have protected the crown as you swore. There is na more that can be asked of you.”

  “There’s more, Duncan, and you know what it is. I knew it would come to this, but I prayed it wouldn’t hurt so much.”

  Duncan looked at the wetness in his wife’s eyes and wanted to take her in his arms and hold her, but he could not. His gaze moved to the crown. The crown that had cost his father his life. Everything he had hoped to gain for his father was within his grasp. Everything he had hoped to gain for Scotland was so close he could reach out and touch it. If she would only…

  “Dear God, help me,” she cried, her voice shattered with emotion. “You think because I have the crown, I’ll give it to you. You think I’ll prove my love for you by giving you the crown. I’ve always had it, Duncan. Nothing has changed. I still cannot give it to you.”

  “And I promised I would not take it from you. Nothing has changed, Kate. It’s still yours to give.”

  Katherine took a few steps to leave then halted and turned back to face the statue. She held the crown like a mother protecting her babe. “When you came after me, you said you wanted me to honor the vow I took to be your wife. Do you remember the question I put to you on our wedding day?”

  Her quiet voice seeped into his body and wrapped around his heart. “Aye. You asked if I would still marry you even though you would never give me England’s crown or your heart.”

  “You made a poor bargain, my Scot.”

  “Did I? Have you na given me your heart, lass?”

  “Yes, but without the crown, my heart is of little value to you. I knew it then as I know it now.”

  Duncan followed her to where the horses waited. She allowed no one to touch the crown. She would not even give it over to him while she mounted her horse. He thought she would have yielded by now. He thought she would have given it to him by now.

  Her words came back to haunt him. His mind refused to believe she had meant them, and did not intend to give him the crown. That she intended to give it back to England.

  Duncan looked over at her with the crown locked in her arms. A sharp stab of pain jolted through his body. He could tell from the lifeless expression on her face and the agonizing torture in her eyes, that giving it to England was exactly what she’d meant.

  …

  “Why did you not tell me the crown was hidden in the chapel, Kate?”

  Katherine took a breath to steady herself on her horse and turned to face her sister. Duncan had dropped back beside Ian, giving Katherine a little privacy so she could talk to her sister without being overheard. “I didn’t want to concern you with it, Elizabeth.”

  “You didn’t think I was strong enough to protect it, did you? You thought if I knew, I would tell Ian.”

  Katherine closed her eyes and gripped the edge of the saddle as another wave of nausea washed over her. “I vowed to the priest I would tell no one.”

  “But the priest thought I was the one taking the vow.”

  “And I wish to God you had been.”

  Katherine’s harsh voice echoed over the din of the horses as they made their way to Lochmore Castle. Scores of MacIntyre warriors combined with scores of Ferguson warriors surrounded Katherine, escorting her and the crown with one of the most formidable forces she had ever seen.

  Duncan and Malcolm had not taken their gazes from her since they had left Kilgern. Angus watched over her like an anxious father, and Ian and Elizabeth had focused on no one but her, along with the warriors who rode with them. They were all there to guard her, to protect her.

  And the crown. Especially the crown.

  “I’m sorry, Elizabeth. I’m tired. It has made my tongue sharp. I didn’t mean it.”

  “You don’t look well, Kate. Is there anything I can do?”

  Katherine steadied her breathing and hugged the crown tighter until everything around her stopped spinning. “No. It’s too late to do anything now.”

  “Oh, Katherine. You know how much it means to Duncan. Do you not love him enough to give him the crown?”

  Katherine stared at her sister and worked to swallow past the lump in her throat. “That must be why, Elizabeth.” Her voice came out in a hoarse whisper. “I must not love Duncan enough.”

  “I’m sorry, Katherine. I didn’t mean that you don’t love Duncan. I just meant…”

  “I know what you meant.”

  “How do you think this will all end?”

  “You mean after I give the crown to Father?”

  “Yes.” Elizabeth lowered her gaze. “Ian says he doesn’t know how Duncan will ever… I mean…”

  “I know, Elizabeth. Ian doesn’t know how Duncan will ever be able to forgive me if I don’t give him the crown. How he will ever be able to love me if I go against him.” Katherine hugged one arm around the crown and the other around her stomach. “There’s no way he can. I’ve known this from the start.”

  “But you will not give it to him, will you?”

  “I wish it had not been me the priest found that night. I wish to God the priest had given the crown to you.”

  “Maybe it was meant to be this way, Katherine. You know I’ve never been the strong one. God knew I would not have had the strength to honor my vow.”

  Katherine saw Elizabeth’s open honesty and heard it in her voice.

  “You were always the one who took care of mother and me. We were both weak.”

  “You’re not weak, Elizabeth.”

  “Yes, I am. Why do you think Father treated me as he did? He knew my shortcomings and therefore expected little f
rom me. He knew your strengths and expected much.”

  “But it was never good enough.”

  “No. It was never enough. But only because you were not pleased with what you had to offer.”

  Katherine put her hand to her face and wiped away the tear that stole down her cheek. “I remember the excitement in the keep when Father would come home from court. Mother would put on her prettiest gown and fix her hair the way Father liked. The minute he sat in his chair you would run across the room and jump onto his lap.”

  “And you would stand back until he gave you permission to come near.”

  “I wasn’t sure he wanted to hold me. He never said.”

  “He didn’t have to say.”

  “Then how did you know? I could never do enough to be sure he wanted me. How did you know, Elizabeth?”

  “Oh, Katherine. You didn’t have to earn Father’s love. It was always there for the taking.”

  “It wasn’t there for me. I couldn’t find it.”

  “Have you found Duncan’s love?”

  Katherine wiped the moisture from her brow and took big gasps of air to breath past the way her eyes could not focus. “I will never earn Duncan’s love, Elizabeth. The price is too high.”

  “You don’t have to earn his love, Katherine. He’s like father. His love is there for the taking. You have only to reach out to him.”

  “I cannot. There’s a crown in the way.”

  “Oh, Katherine.” Elizabeth held out her hand and Katherine wanted to grasp it but her world spun around her and she had to clasp her fingers to the edge of the saddle to steady herself.

  “Katherine, are you all right?”

  “I’m fine. I just feel a little strange, ,tis all.”

  Elizabeth turned around to where Duncan and her husband were riding.

  “Don’t call for Duncan, Elizabeth. Just stay at my side until this goes away.”

  “Are you ill, Kate?”

  “No. I’m…”

  Katherine knew there were more words that needed to be said, but the blanket of darkness that cloaked her mind would not allow them to come out.

  “Duncan!”

  Elizabeth’s voice shattered through the barrier, then strong arms lifted Katherine in the air and settled her down. She felt safe. She felt secure. Duncan’s arms were around her.

  She wanted to wrap her arms around her Scot’s warm body but she couldn’t. She would first have to release the cold, metal crown in her grasp. She could not. She had taken a vow and could not break it.

  Even in her sleep she could not give up the crown.

  Chapter 18

  “I am fine now. You may put me down.”

  Katherine lifted her head from beneath Duncan’s chin. The straight line of his lips and the deep furrows across his brow gave him a formidable look. Even with her ear away from his chest she could still hear the rapid pounding of his heart.

  “You are na fine. Even a blind man can see that.” His strong arms held her fast as he took the steps to their chamber two at a time.

  An angry muscle twitched in his jaw and the piercing tint of his eyes darkened. “You didn’t sleep at all last night and little the night before, and now that I think on it, I can na remember the last meal you ate. You’ve struggled and worried until you’ve made yourself ill.”

  The angry tone of his soft voice struck a harsh chord. She could not bring herself to look him in the eyes. “Where are Ian and Elizabeth? I must see to them.”

  “Do na worry about your sister. She can see to herself and to her husband. You have enough to worry about right now.”

  Katherine closed her eyes and hugged the crown tighter to her chest. She did not remember the last few miles of their journey home nor did she remember crossing the drawbridge into Lochmore Castle.

  “You na longer have to protect everyone around you, wife. You na longer have to prove you do na need anyone.” He kicked the heavy door of their chamber with his booted foot and it bounced against the stone wall and came back at him. He kicked it again. Harder. “You are na strong enough to fight Bolton by yourself.” His raised voice echoed in their chamber. “Do you know how foolish it was for you to leave here to go to Ian?”

  He lowered her to a chair and threw back the covers on their bed with such force she shivered from the rush of cold air that whipped around her.

  “Bolton could have taken you, and you would be in his camp right now, fighting for your life.”

  He lifted her from the chair and held her arms in a tight grip. “Is it possible for you put the crown down long enough to ready yourself for bed, or do you na trust me enough to even let the crown out of your grasp?”

  Anger and fury radiated from his gaze. She watched the thundering storm that brewed inside him.

  She placed the crown on the table beside her and untied the laces at her throat. She couldn’t look at him. His rage was too great for her to bear.

  With an angry tug, he reached for the gown and pulled it up over her shoulders. A loud rip echoed in the air. With a sigh of frustration, he threw the material on a heap in the corner. “You always think you must do everything yourself. Even in the dungeon you faced Bolton as if you stood a chance of conquering him.”

  He grabbed her nightdress and dropped it over her head, then picked her up and placed her on the bed. After he jerked the covers up under her chin, he walked to the hearth and dropped another log to make a warmer fire. It fell with a loud whoosh. He turned his head toward her and spoke over his shoulder. “Did you want your crown with you in bed, wife, or do you trust me enough to leave it on the table?”

  The air caught in her throat and a cold, hateful hand twisted her heart in her breast. She could not give a reply. She could not even face him.

  He answered her anyway. “I will leave it where you can watch it. If you get lonesome during the night you need only to reach for it.”

  Another log fell on the fire with a deafening thud. “I do na know why you could na just trust me enough to ask for my help. I do na know why you went to Regan. I do na know why—”

  “You do not know why I can not give you the crown, Duncan. That is what you do not know.”

  He hurled the last log to the floor beside the hearth and fired his words at her. “That’s right! You are my wife! You know how important the crown is to me. If you cared for me at all, you would give me the crown before Bolton or your father come.”

  “You know I cannot. I took a vow.”

  “You were going to ask for sanctuary, Kate. Do you know what that would have meant? Do you know what would have happened?”

  Katherine turned her face away from him and closed her eyes. She would not cry. She would not let him see how his cutting words and the painful tone of his voice ripped her heart from her breast. “I did what I had to do, Duncan.”

  The roar of his voice bounced off the cold stone walls and came back with a killing vengeance. “And so you chose to leave me? You chose to run to Ian and ask him for sanctuary, knowing it would separate us forever. Why?”

  “Because I’m tired of fighting you. Because you still think I’ll ignore the vow I gave your priest and will give you the crown. Because I love you and a part of me will die when you don’t want me after I give the crown back to England. I can take no more, Duncan. I am not strong enough.”

  He turned his back to her, then braced his hands against the wall and hung his head between his outstretched arms. The rigid muscles across his shoulders bunched beneath the loose folds of his shirt and his chest heaved with huge gasps of air. Time stretched forever in front of her and she could think of nothing else that would make what she had to do easier.

  “Rest now, wife.” His strained voice sounded little more than a hoarse whisper. “I will go downstairs and make sure everyone is settled for the night. Someone will bring a tray of food up for you. Do na let it go to waste. You need to eat.”

  He dropped his arms from the wall and let them hang at his side. Then he squared his shoulders an
d walked to the door.

  “Will you come back to me, Duncan?”

  His footsteps halted. His hand froze on the latch. “I do na know,” he finally answered.

  With an angry jerk, he opened the door and walked away. A cold void filled the room in his wake. Katherine stared at the empty doorway, then let her head sink back into the pillow and watched the candlelight dance around the huge wooden beams in the high ceiling. This was how she’d always known it would be. This was how she’d known it would end. This was why she’d promised herself she would never loose her heart to him. God help her. She had not kept her promise.

  A quiet knock sounded from the hallway and Katherine wiped the wetness from her cheeks.

  “I’ve brought you something to eat and something to ease your stomach.” Angus walked across the room with a small platter in one hand and a goblet in the other. He shoved aside the crown on the table and set down the food.

  “I don’t want anything, Angus. I’m not hungry.”

  “You do na have a choice in whether or na you want to eat, milady.” Angus held out the goblet to her. “Here. Drink this first.”

  Katherine sat up in bed and took the goblet from him. “What is it?”

  “Drink it. It will soothe your stomach.”

  Katherine took a swallow. The warmth of the liquid spread through her body and she leaned her head back against the headboard and breathed a deep sigh. “Have all the MacIntyre warriors been fed and found places to bed down, Angus?”

  “Do na concern yourself with what is about downstairs.”

  She took another swallow and Angus handed her a platter and a metal spoon with which to eat. She stared at the thick stew, then looked at Angus, knowing he could read the doubt in her eyes.

  “Take a bite of the bread first, milady, and eat the cheese and the fruit that is on the side. The ale should help and maybe you’ll even be able to eat a little of the stew.”

  Katherine took a bite of bread and chewed.