Who He Is

by S. Q. Williams

  We were laughing entirely too much, to the point it started hurting my sides. I just couldn’t help myself, though. With Gage, it felt good to laugh. And to know he was actually laughing with me made me feel even better.

  Gage always had a little sadness behind his eyes. He tried to cover it up with joking around, messing around, and other minor things, but I could always tell. I knew when someone carried a burden they’ve tried to forget about. I was one of those people, and the only reason I didn’t bring it up to him was because I knew how much I hated to talk about it. I would rather keep it in the past.

  Gage hooked an arm around my waist as we hurried for the FireNine bus. As we got closer, I paused, placing a hand against his chest and facing him. “Wait, Gage,” I breathed, giggling.

  “What?” he asked, laughing with me as his head lowered. I couldn’t help but admire the chink around his eyes. The way his skin wrinkled softly. It was adorable.

  “I can’t go in this bus,” I whispered.

  He looked around quickly, then looked at me again, his head tilting. “Why not?”

  “‘Cause I might see naked girls in there or something.” My nose crinkled in disgust and he chuckled. It was a deep, sexy chuckle. One that made my legs clench and my nipples tighten beneath the fabric of my bra. It was so damn sexy. And I was drunk, which enhanced his sexiness.

  “You won’t,” he said. “None of the boys are here and even if they come, we’ll be in my room.”

  I paused again. His room? What were we going to be doing in there? I knew I was leading Gage on. I couldn’t help myself, though. It was fun to kiss someone for the first time, over and over again. I’d never experienced anyone’s lips against mine or anyone’s body rubbing against me. I was enjoying myself with Gage, but I knew the next morning I was going to hate myself for it. For kissing him, getting drunk with him, and almost having sex with him… That was a close one.

  “Eliza?” Gage murmured, moving in closer. I looked up and his features were solid. His lips were pressed, but his eyes were lax. “I just—I mean… you don’t have to come in if you don’t want to. I don’t wanna make you feel uncomfortable.” He looked up toward my bus. “I can just take you to your bus if you’d like.” He cocked his head to his left.

  “No—no,” I said quickly, feeling bad for his hesitation. I could tell he was trying to make me comfortable. “It’s fine. I’ll come in.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I grinned. “Positive.”

  Nodding, he grabbed my hand and turned for the door. As he twisted the knob, a nervous spell took hold of me. I really wasn’t sure why. Maybe the alcohol made me antsy. Perhaps it was because I didn’t know what to expect with just us on the bus. At least at the party there were people around. I didn’t mind getting a few more drinks into my system because I knew Gage wasn’t going to want to go to a bedroom with me again.

  The first thing that came into view was the large L-shaped white leather sofa facing the huge flat-screen TV that was mounted on the north wall. He complained about his bus before, but already theirs was ten times better than ours.

  As he flipped on one of the light switches, I saw the floors were made of hardwood, a dining table with a matching set of grey placemats and silverware was set up in the corner across from the kitchen, and their kitchen was nice, too—black marble counters, oak cabinets. It was way bigger than ours.

  “Wow, this bus is nicer than I thought.”

  “What’d you expect?” he asked, looking down at me with a smirk. “Stripper poles, butt-naked women, and loads of beer bottles scattered across the floor?”

  I laughed. “Something like that.”

  “Nah. I guess they decided to get rid of the strippers and poles. There wasn’t enough space anyway,” he teased.

  “Oh, funny,” I sassed him playfully. I released Gage’s hand and took a step ahead to look around. It really was nice. There was a drum set in the corner beside the TV, most likely for Deed to practice on. Three guitars—an acoustic, a bass, and a lead—sat in the opposite corner along with an amp. A few posters of naked women were on the walls (that was pretty predictable) and even some of the FireNine logos were plastered around. A neon red FireNine sign was on the wall in the kitchen.

  “Wanna check out my room?” Gage asked over my shoulder. A soothing chill ran down my spine when I realized how close he was. I could feel the heat radiating from his body, ready to consume me. His breath trickled across my neck and through my hair, causing me to tingle and shudder like I never had before.

  “Sure,” I whispered breathily.

  He chuckled softly, grabbing my hand and turning me around. He pulled me in close by my hipbone, his eyes locked on mine, his lips so close that, from a bystander’s point of view, it would have looked like we were kissing. His cologne was so strong, yet sweet and delectable to me. I wanted a taste of him—anywhere. Everywhere.

  In less than a second, I got what I wanted.

  Gage moved in slowly and pressed his lips against mine, and I didn’t hold back. I hooked my arms around his neck and he picked me up so my legs could circle his waist. He grunted as he held me in his arms and stumbled down the hallway. I’m not sure which bedroom he kicked open, but within no time we were inside and he’d slammed the door behind us.

  My head was still swimming. I was still seeing stars from earlier and it obviously meant I was still in a pretty high state of mind. It was a pleasant high—one I never wanted to come down from because I knew coming down meant facing reality, facing everything I never wanted to recollect. I didn’t want the negativity. I loved the feeling taking over me. I loved the Eliza I was while I was with the stars. While I was with Gage Grendel.

  “Eliza,” Gage murmured against my neck. He laid my back on the bed and climbed on top of me, pushing my legs apart with his knee to get between them, but he didn’t stop kissing me. I cracked my eyelids open a little. They were heavy and low, and it was then that I realized how tired I was. I was completely drained. I wondered what time it was and how long we actually ended up staying at the party.

  From the window above, the moonlight sprinkled across Gage, revealing his chiseled face. Most of his features had a soft edge. His nose wasn’t too pointy or too perfect. It was slightly crooked, but one could only tell if they were up close. It fit him, though. His jawline and chin were defined, sculpted, and the stubble around his lips and on his chin was faint, but I could feel the roughness of it every time he kissed me. The only thing baby-like on Gage were his eyes. They were bordered with long, thick lashes. He seemed almost innocent with them, but I knew he was far from it. Besides his beautiful, baby-like hazel eyes, Gage was all man.

  “Yes?” I finally answered him, my voice faint. I could hardly hear myself. Lying against his sheets and pillows wasn’t helping the situation, either. I was so close to reaching slumber and to top it all off, my head was swimming. The feeling was like being rocked back and forth on a boat during a calm night at sea. Comforting.

  Soundless.

  Peaceful.

  “You didn’t really have anything going on with Montana, did you?” The room stilled. He was probably waiting on me to answer because he’d gotten silent right after, but I couldn’t form the words. Of course I don’t have anything going on with Montana. I was about to say it, but he started talking again. “I mean, if so, it’s cool. We can stop what we’re doing. Neither one of us are worth your time anyway. Our lifestyles are crazy… something you don’t need. You deserve someone worthy and that’s neither of us.”

  I frowned and my lips wanted to move and speak on it, but they wouldn’t. My body was working against me, begging me to just shut my eyes already. I allowed them to close briefly, but when I opened them again, Gage was staring at me.

  I finally asked, “What do you mean ‘worthy of my time?’”

  He sighed. “I don’t know. It’s hard to explain… I’ll never really be the kinda guy who knows how to treat someone like you—” He stopped talking abruptly,
shaking his head. He then kissed the top of my hand, my knuckles, and then moved up to lie beside me.

  Pulling me against him, he sighed while stroking my hair. His fingers felt good as they ran along the edges of my hair, but he was making me even more peaceful, which meant sleepier as well. I moved in and snuggled against his chest. I wrapped my arm around his waist and he stiffened. It seemed as if he’d stopped breathing, but I ignored it and moments after, he loosened up.

  “Finish what you were you going to say,” I mumbled.

  He didn’t respond right away, but I could feel his eyes on me. His thumb was still rubbing across my forehead and his arm was still wrapped around me. I breathed him in, satisfied with where I was. I wasn’t alone like usual. I was with him, and for some odd reason, it felt… good. It felt right.

  “Never mind,” he whispered in my ear, his voice deep, husky. “Get some sleep, Eliza. We’ve got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.”

  I don’t know if I nodded for real or not. I may have been thinking I did, but either way I agreed and had completely sunk against his chest. His body was hard but relaxing. I’d never slept next to anyone, but being here with Gage felt nice. Satisfying.

  Soon my breath evened out. Gage continued stroking the edges of my hair, placing small kisses on my forehead, and then I fell asleep.

  I woke up the next morning with a dull headache. I groaned, shielding my eyes from the sun blazing in through the window above. My senses were piqued. I smelled strong cologne everywhere and even coffee lingered in the air.

  Stumbling out of bed and continuing to shield my eyes, I wobbled before taking a small look around. My head hurt so badly. I knew I shouldn’t have drunk so much the night before and at the thought of drinking, my eyes stretched. I yanked my hands down and took in the unfamiliar room. There were FireNine posters on each wall, all different with different colors and pictures of the boys. A few half-naked models were plastered on the walls as well and I shook my head because, unfortunately, I knew exactly where I was.

  Gage’s bedroom.

  The door swung open and my pulse paused as Gage stepped in, his hair wet, floppy, and messy as if he’d recently taken a shower. He had to have taken one because he had on fresher clothes. As soon as he looked into my eyes, his face softened and he clutched the doorknob. “Ellie,” he breathed.

  “Uh… hi,” I whispered. Oh, goodness, it had gotten awkward. Seeing Gage made me go over how drunk I was the night before and then I remembered how he’d licked me in a spot that had never been licked or touched before. Slow, sensuous, and delicately sweet. Thinking of how great it felt caused my face to burn from embarrassment and he took a step in, his head tilted.

  “I made some coffee and there’s some water right there on the nightstand.” He pointed at it and I looked over my shoulder.

  “I’ll take the coffee,” I murmured.

  He nodded, looking me over twice before stepping back. I knew I looked like complete shit, without a doubt. Gage turned around and I followed him down the hallway. To my luck, no one was in the living room and I let out a sigh of relief. I didn’t want the boys to see me looking like trash or even in the same attire from the previous night.

  “Do you want crème?” he asked.

  “Please.”

  “Sugar?”

  “Yes, please.” He nodded and I inhaled, taking a seat at the table. The coffee smelled pleasant, rich, and was already clearing my head of some of the throbbing.

  Gage stirred a spoon around in a black mug and then placed it in front of me. Winking, he turned back around and went for the microwave. “I went out this morning to get some bagels from Panera. You mentioned last night how you liked the cinnamon crunch kind with hazelnut cream cheese?”

  My eyes stretched. How did he remember that? I’d barely said much about it. The conversation about bagels was so minor that I couldn’t even remember it.

  Instead of questioning it, I took a sip of my coffee and nodded. “Yeah, that’s my favorite,” I said after swallowing the hot liquid. He smirked over his shoulder and brought the brown bag to the table. He took the seat across from me and placed one of the plastic butter knives in front of me. “You know you didn’t have to do this, Gage,” I said.

  “I wanted to.” He placed one of the sweet bagels in front of me. “I’ve never had Panera before.”

  “Well, it’s really good.” I grabbed my bagel, the butter knife, and then one of the packets of cream cheese. “Their broccoli cheddar soup is my favorite.”

  “Oh. I shoulda got you that, too.” He smirked.

  “No.” I shook my head. “It’s fine. This is more than enough… Thank you.”

  “My pleasure.”

  Gage and I ate silently for the first few minutes. I was right about it being awkward on my behalf, but he didn’t seem to mind the silence. He would take a few glances at me whenever taking a bite into his bagel and I would force a smile, pretending I didn’t mind. It was cute… but weird. I was having breakfast… alone… with Gage Grendel. Who knew?

  “We’re all going to the waterpark today,” he said, smiling.

  “A waterpark? I’ve never been to one before.”

  He gaped at me. “What?” He smiled so widely it revealed all his teeth. “You’ve never been to a waterpark before? What kind of childhood did you have?”

  A shitty one. I shrugged it off. “Obviously one that wasn’t filled with waterparks.”

  He laughed. “Well, today we’ll be changing that. I have to say, Ellie, I feel like I’ve introduced you to a ton of new things lately. The club, square dancing in Texas, house parties with tequila, and now the waterpark? You really are an innocent girl.”

  I laughed off his statement. Innocent was far from what I was. I used to be terrible. “I guess so,” I sighed.

  He looked me over, folding his fingers on top of the table. He then placed a leg on his knee, leaned his back against his chair, and brought his mug to his lips. “Did you have fun with me last night?” he asked after taking a sip.

  I hesitated. Hell yeah, I had fun. Too much fun. He licked me between my legs for heaven’s sake. That had to be a sign of some kind of excitement. “I did.”

  “And you still think we’re ‘just friends?’”

  My lips pressed and I shook my head. “Why would we be more than that, Gage?”

  He frowned. “After what happened between us, why wouldn’t we be?”

  “Because, like you said last night, you’re Gage Grendel. You don’t care. Friends are all we need to be. Nothing more.”

  “But I showed you last night we could be way more than that. I wanna try a little something else with you.”

  “We were drunk, Gage. Besides, one party doesn’t determine that we’re more than friends. We were just having fun, right?”

  He was about to say something else, but then his lips sealed. He nodded, dropping his leg to sit forward. “You’re right.” He huffed, his jaw ticking. “It’s whatever.” He placed his coffee down, then snatched the paper bag off the table to drop it into the trash bin. “Ben unlocked your bus earlier. You can go now.” I stared at his back, wide-eyed, as he marched for his bedroom and slammed his door behind him.

  Was he dismissing me like I was just another one-night stand? Was he really treating me like one of the millions of whores he’d encountered just because I didn’t want to be toyed with? Just because I knew it would turn for the worst if we were to turn into more than just friends? My mouth gaped open, disbelieving what he’d just said to me. He was brushing me off.

  Damn it. He was the exact reason I didn’t like to get comfortable with people. People expected too much from me and I couldn’t live up to everyone’s expectations. My mind was foggy, but I could remember him clearly saying I deserved someone better than him and Montana. Someone worthy of my time. What’s more than friends anyway? Casual sex? Kissing and hugging? We did all that last night and had fun? Why want more? Why make it deeper when it would only be temporary?

  G
age and I were no match. One: he had a girlfriend. And two: it wouldn’t last between us. It would’ve been a complete waste of our time. As soon as the tour ended, I would be back in Virginia for school and he would continue doing what he normally did, which was having sex with random girls and then dismissing them the next morning for someone fresher.

  I knew, as bad as I felt, I was right by telling him no. We had fun, but I wasn’t about to get any closer to Gage just to have battered and fucked-up emotions when it’s all over. I had enough problems I was still trying to look past.

  Most would consider it being selfish or bitchy, but I had my reasons. I wasn’t about to get fucked over because of him. It was best to play it safe.

  After guarding my eyes from the blazing sun while walking across the parking lot, I was finally at my bus. As I boarded, no one was around, so I decided to hit the shower and get out of the filthy dress Gage bought for me. I wanted no part of it anymore. I just wanted to trash it and pretend the previous night never happened. I wanted to so badly, but instead, I stuffed it in the bottom of my suitcase.

  As the warm water ran over me, I absorbed the soothing feel of it. It calmed me down a lot more than intended, so after I was done, I locked my bedroom door behind me and lounged around in just my pink bath towel. My hair was still wet, but it was opening my pores, relieving me of the minor headache I was still carrying. The coffee helped a ton, too. Along with the cup of water I took before storming off the FireNine bus.

  I tried to distract my mind from Gage by going back to the bathroom and shaving my legs, painting my toes, my fingernails, and even braiding my hair, but none of it worked. I couldn’t get over how rude he was to me. I mean, he had his reasons to be upset, but I couldn’t understand why he wanted something with me so badly? I would have looked like the dumbest girl alive had I given Gage more of me. It was already a close one last night and I swore never to get that close again.