by Lizzie Bowen
CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Best big brother I never had
I woke up the next morning in the beautiful city of Nashville. I had slept the entire way there. The boys were southern here, the tea was sweet, and the music was loud... just the way I like it. I stepped out of the bus, absolutely pumped. We were playing a really big arena and I was really excited. I was also really stoked to just be playing again. The boys were starting another tour right after this one ended so most of our travels had been interviews to promote that. I was just eager to get on stage again. Hunter smiled at me as I walked through the door to the arena.
“Keep your head up, babe.” Hunter whispered, rubbing my back softly. I smiled back at him and gave him a thumbs up to tell him I was doing much better now. I was headed into hair and makeup when Kade snagged my arm.
“I got it.” He said, handing me a piece of paper. I looked up at him really confused.
“Um, what is this?” I asked.
“The rehab center where your brother is currently staying.” Kade stated with a smile.
“Oh my gosh, Kade! ARE YOU SERIOUS!” I cried. Kade grinned from ear to ear.
“Yeah, remember I told you that when we got to Tennessee I'd help you find him? Well... I did. I tracked him down and don't ask how. I just have my connections.” Kade said slyly. A bubble of excitement burst within me. I threw my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming out loud. I jumped up and down like a giddy school girl.
“Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! You can never know how much this means to me.” I squealed.
“I guess this means we're even now then, doesn't it?” Kade said.
“Yes, totally! You're amazing, you know that?” I said, still jumping up and down.
“Yeah, yeah I know.” Kade said as he cockily brushed off his shoulder.
“You really didn't have to do this.” I said.
“Yeah, I did. You deserve it and I know what it's like to miss someone. We don't leave Tennessee until late tomorrow so we'll have plenty of time to visit.” Kade stated. I nodded excitedly.
“Okay, now don't get so excited that you miss every note tonight? You still gotta play.” He said with a wink. I laughed as he walked off in his regular cool guy strut. I couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't believe Kade had done this... and here I was thinking he didn't care about anything. Hunter sneaked up behind me.
“So, I see my baby is smiling again? I'm glad to see that.” Hunter said, making me jump at the sound of his voice.
“Yeah, I'm better now. Sorry about that.” I said, a bit shyly.
“Don't apologize. I'm actually glad that I got to be there with you through it.” Hunter said.
“Yeah, me too...” I said.
“Well, keep smiling! I'll see you after the show.” Hunter said. He gave me a tight squeeze then ran off to wardrobe.
“See you after the show.” I muttered after he had left. I wonder how he'd feel knowing I was going somewhere with Kade again. I knew explaining it wouldn't really help the situation so I decided to just go and apologize later. I'm sure he'd forgive me anyway.
“You know he thinks he's the reason for that smile?” I heard someone ask from behind me. I spun around. It was Logan. He had seen the whole thing go down.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Hunter thinks he's the reason you smile every day. He thinks you spend every night falling asleep thinking of him, but you don't. I know your mind is somewhere else... or on someone else. Hunter isn't the reason for that smile, is he?” Logan pressed.
“Logan, I don't know what you're talking about.” I stated blankly. I had never really thought about either of them in that way before.
“Sam, I've been best mates with Hunter for a very long time and on top of that I'm not stupid. I see the way you look at Kade compared to the way you look at Hunter. If there's one thing I can tell you of all the years of being mates with Hunter it's that when he loves someone he gives them his whole heart. He loves you, Sam... he loves you very much. Please don't break his heart. For my sake...for the band's sake.” Logan almost seemed to plead. I nodded absently.
“I won't.” I said meekly. He patted my shoulder.
“That's a girl.” He said. I just starred blankly at him. I wasn't even quite sure what he was trying to say. Was he saying that I didn't love Hunter? I was sort of confused myself. I knew that I didn't love Hunter. I didn't love anyone... I didn't know how.
“Now go get your hair and makeup. I bet Hunter is already waiting outside the door for you.” Logan said. With that, he trotted off leaving me with my thoughts. I tried not to think too much about Logan's confusing lecture. Nobody could ruin this tonight. Tonight was my first gig in a while. Not to mention, tomorrow was the day I'd finally see my older brother again. I was beyond excited. I grinned from ear to ear at just the thought of it.
The crowd was amazing tonight. Some days, the screams weren't as loud and the crowd just wasn't quite there. But tonight...they were electric. When the boys came out screams erupted from the audience loud enough to shatter the sound barrier. As I looked into the audience all I saw was flashing camera lights, signs, and hands waving in the air. At one point in the show the room went completely dark and the boys asked the crowd to put any lights they had up.
“Whether it's a cell phone, or a flashlight, or a glow stick I want you to put it in the air.” Corey said. It was absolutely beautiful... majestic really. The lights glowed in the darkness making the room seem like we were in another dimension. I felt like I was floating through a world full of enchantment and sailing through an endless sea of lanterns. I smiled as the boys sung softly and the crowd stayed their bodies to the music, their lights swaying with them. I took my phone out when there was a break in my part and took a picture. It was just simply a perfect moment that I wanted forever captured in my heart and mind. I grinned at the picture on my screen. It was beautiful...just like them. I had grown to love the boy's fans. They had pretty much dedicated their entire life to these guys and I thought that was amazing. I loved them, but...from the things I'd seen online they didn't particularly love me. I wasn't sure why though because they didn't even know me. But then again... why would they love me? No one else really seemed to. I pushed away those thoughts and got prepared for the last song of the night. After the concert had ended, I was going to see what Kade was up to when Hunter grabbed me from behind. I screamed a little and I felt his chest rise and fall with laughter.
“You scared me a little.” I said with a nervous laugh. I hoped he wouldn't realize that I was headed in the direction of Kade's tour bus. I liked going places with Kade. Kade was different... Kade was like me.
“I scared you again? Gosh, I'm good.” He said with a laugh, tightening his grip. For some reason, I felt a little uncomfortable in his arms. I twisted my body around, wriggling out of his grip, and turning to face him.
“I'm tired. I think I'm gonna turn in early.” I stated before turning toward my tour bus. He grabbed my wrist.
“Sam, I wanted you to be my date to this cool after party.” He stated. I raised a brow.
“After party? I've never really been to a party.” I admitted. Hunter's jaw dropped nearly to the floor and he stared at me as if I were some sort of alien.
“You're in high school and you've never been to a party?” He asked. I grinned a little. His accent was real thick when he said the word party.
“You've got to be joking.” He said.
“Hunter, I've told you... I wasn't really into the whole high school scene.” I said, looking down awkwardly. Hunter nodded slowly as if the thought was just now occurring to him.
“Oh, yes I remember now. Well, love there's a first time for everything. You'll have a great time and I'm eager to show your beautiful self off to all my friends.” Hunter said with a cheeky grin. I blushed and kicked at the ground with my shoe. It still sort of made my stomach turn when he said I was beautiful. I wasn't used to that word ever
been used in the same sentence as my name. I especially thought that it was weird to hear it from “Hollywood's It Boy.” I knew I shouldn't think of him like that though. He was my boy not Hollywood's number one lad. He was my lad. Yeah... he was my boyfriend. Hunter Thompson was my boyfriend. That thought boosted my confidence enough to go.
“Pleeease, Sam!” He begged. I rolled my eyes dramatically.
“Oh, alright I'll go.” I said finally.
“Yeeeeah!” Hunter cheered pretended doing a few girly little jumps. I laughed a little as his reaction. He grabbed my hand, pecked my cheek, and led me to his car.
“Where exactly is this party?” I asked once we were on the road.
“It's at one of my best mate's houses. He's in the music industry too. There will be lots of people there.” Hunter informed.
“Famous people?” I asked, almost choking on the word. Hunter nodded after pondering the question for a moment. He knew the answer would upset me and he hated doing that. Before I could even protest he started to comfort me.
“Babe, it's fine. Famous people are humans too ya know that, right? They're gonna love you.” Hunter said.
“Nobody else seems to.” I muttered. Hunter slammed the breaks a little too hard in my opinion at the red light.
“I'm sick of you saying that.” Hunter almost seemed to hiss. I jerked my head up and looked at him angrily.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I snapped.
“You're always saying that you're not good at this or that and I'm tired of it. It's almost like you don't want to love yourself.” Hunter said. My jaw dropped practically to the floor at his harsh words.
“Hunter, you live in some stupid dream world! What if this was high school? You'd be with the jocks making fun of me and I'd be over in the nerd huddle in the corner. You wouldn't give me the time of day! In fact you'd probably ignore me in public and make fun of me in private.” I spat.
“This isn't highs cool! You're the one living in some dream world. Look at me, Sam! See me? Yes, it's your boyfriend Hunter. This is the real world and high school is anything, but real. You're not even making since and I bet it's just the insecurities talking.” He stated. I hated how he brought up my insecurities as if they were a topic of conversation. They were quite a private matter actually.
“I'm not insecure and I do want to love myself! Don't you dare tell me what I do or don't want to do because you don't know. You don't know anything, Hunter. You think you're so smart, but you're clueless.” I snapped harshly. Hunter jerked the keys of the ignition and ran his hands through his hair in frustration. His hair wasn't in the usual wispy curls that were like an ocean wave on top of his head. Tonight, it was in beautiful luscious looking curls hanging loosely at the side of his face. I wanted to touch them really badly, but I was so angry right now that I refused to even make eye contact. Hunter got out of the car and opened my door for me. I didn't get out. I sat slouched in my seat with my arms crossed over my chest. I wasn't going to budge and he knew that.
“Listen, can we just start over? I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean it. It's just very frustrating loving someone so much when they don't love themselves. Now, that's something I understand that you don't. I've been through stuff too, okay?” He asked. He held out his hand to me. I let out a heavy, dramatic sigh then reluctantly took it. He grinned at me. His smile was irresistible, which actually made me a little angry because I really wanted to stay mad right now. He pressed his lips against mine to make up. I didn't kiss him back though...not at all. He pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around me a little tighter. He pulled back and looked at me. He realized that I just wasn't going to give in. Making up with me wasn't that easy. He seemed to be studying my face for some sort of emotion, but I just stayed solemn. He sighed and took my hand.
“Come on, it's this way.” He said, the disappointment clear in his voice. I followed to him a pool behind the house. There were glamorous looking people with expensive designer dresses on and makeup that looked like it had been done by high paying professionals. The girls were all sporting diamond embroidered jewelry and purses that looked as if they were all imported from foreign countries. My makeup had been done by a professional tonight because our makeup artists always did it for the boy's concerts, but it didn't even compare to these girls.
Their eyeliner was extravagant and their colors bold. They all had tan glowing sun-kissed skin and bodies that looked as if they had been carved by angels. I looked down at my cheap dress and how it squeezed my pudgy tummy. I crossed my arms over my chest self-consciously. I looked at the gaps between their thighs then at my fat meaty ones. Food was offered to me, but I turned it down after taking another glance at those girls. The boys hooted and hollered when Hunter came in.
“Heyyyy, the party just started! The H man is here!” One boy shouted. The girls all giggled and refused to take their eyes off him. A bunch of skinny twig looking blondes bounded over to Hunter and flocked him. They all flashed their pearly whites at him and batted their long, fake eyelashes. I held Hunter's hand loosely and was ready to just let go completely when he wrapped both arms around my shoulders and kissed my cheek. The girl's eyes went as wide as saucers as they gawked at me and the cheek that had just been kissed by the hottest boy at this party.
“Um, Hunter who's this?” One of the blondes asked, gesturing to me.
“This is my girlfriend. Her name is Sam and she's our band's guitar player.” Hunter introduced. He kept his arms around me.
“How long have you been dating?” Another blonde asked.
“A few months now actually.” He replied. The girls jaws dropped halfway to the floor when he said that.
“So you're not-” Another began.
“Seeing multiple girls at one time. No, and I never was to begin with...she's it.” With that, he strut off to his guy pals with his arm still draped over my shoulder.
“Hey, mate! How's it been going?” They all cooed. I sat there and listened to the boys tell stories, joke around, and laugh. I felt so out of place though. Don't get me wrong, I was so glad that Hunter took me as his date and even gladder when he stood up to those girls. But I knew that I didn't belong here with these kind of people. I knew my crowd and this diffidently wasn't it. I knew I wouldn't be making many public appearances with Hunter if these were the kind of people he was with. I liked them, but they just weren't my kind of people. To be fair though, not many people in the world were my kind of people. Kade was just about the only person in the world that I didn't feel insecure with. When I was with Kade I actually felt safe. Not many people in the world made me feel safe like he did. Not many people understood me.
I felt like going and talking to some people, but I felt that it would probably be pathetic to try really. I watched as they passed by my seat multiple times. When I didn't make the attempt I felt like a looser gawking at them as they walked by though. The situation overall was just out of my comfort zone and I very much liked to be comfortable. I had a really weird feeling in the pit of my stomach every time those girls looked at Hunter. I wasn't used to feeling it. It was jealousy...but a different kind of jealousy. Usually my jealousy was a burning feeling within me when I saw something that a pretty girl had that I wanted...now it was over loosing something I had that they wanted. It was so strange and such a horrible feeling. I was almost glad I had never had anything worth lusting over before because this feeling was awful. Just when I felt I couldn't take it anymore and I was getting up leave, a slow song came on. Hunter turned toward me and held out his hand with a romantic smirk on his face.
“Would you care to dance, love?” He asked, his accent clear and thick when he said it.
“Of course, handsome stranger.” I pretended to flirt by batted my eyelashes like the other girls had done to him. He caught on pretty quickly to whom I was impersonating and laughed hysterically at how accurate it was. He took my hand and led me to the dance floor. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I hesitantly wrapped mine a
round his neck. I could feel the watchful eyes of every girl in this place on me and something about this just didn't seem quite right. Hunter pulled me even closer to where my head fit right into the place between his shoulder and his neck. He acted as if we were the only two here and I wondered how easily he could tone the others out. A lot of the girls who had been at his heels all night were dancing with other guys...probably just to make him jealous. But there were a lot of his guy friends at the side of the floor watching us. They obviously weren't as hot as him and couldn't get girls like he could. They stood alone in their own little “bro huddle” and I knew we were probably the topic of the huddle.
“You're shaking.” He whispered in my ear.
“Your friends scare me.” I whispered back. He laughed a little and I felt his chest rise and fall as he did.
“Oh, they're nothing to be scared of. I think you'd all get on really well if you gave them a chance.” Hunter informed. I didn't say anything in reply. I could never give this people a chance because they were the complete opposite of everything I wanted to be. They were clingy, rich, stuck up, and clueless people. Okay, maybe I was the one being stuck up at the moment...but they scared me. I wasn't used to being scared of anyone or anything. I had no emotion and it's pretty hard to put fear into an emotionless, teenage girl. Fear was an emotion after all, wasn't it? I just didn't like being around people who put that emotion into me, as a matter of fact I didn't like being around anyone who put any emotion whatsoever into me... except Kade. I felt a different emotion with him. An indescribable one.
“Well, why don't we forget my little “friends” for just a moment then. Right now is about you, babe.” Hunter whispered to me, shattering my thoughts. I nodded and got a little closer, but not too close. There was still just a little anger still in me from when he told me that I wanted to be insecure. He twirled me and my dress flawed out a little when he did. I felt sort of like a princess at a ball. But... if I was the princess that might Hunter would have to be the prince. I don't think I was ready for a prince...or a happy ever after. People like me don't get happy ever after ending anyway. I'm like one of those warriors from those horrific trauma filled novels. But in the end of those novels the character always ends up stronger and...she survives. I'd survive.
“I love you.” Hunter whispered. I just nodded. I tried to make the words come out, but they just wouldn't form on my lips. The words were caught in my throat and refused to come out. I just couldn't do it. I wasn't used to feeling loved and diffidently not being told I was loved. The song ended and Hunter pulled back to look at me. He looked really disappointed. He wanted me to confess my love, dance of into the sunset, and have a happy ever after ending with me. Or did he? Did he just want three little words? Could I give him that without giving up everything? He studied my eyes to see if there was love in them. I looked down. That was it. He let go of me completely.
“We should probably go now.” He said. I nodded and followed him toward the door. Of course, the girls made a bee line to hug him and drool all over him. I gagged myself a little as they did. Finally, after Hunter received many good-bye hugs and kisses we were finally able to leave. Hunter went to the car and didn't even bother to open the door. Hunter started the car up and we drove on in silence for a few moments. He looked really angry right now. I sighed a little and tried to find the words.
“Hunter...” I said. My voice came out as more of a squeak than a confident beginning to an announcement.
“Yes?” He replied a little impatiently.
“I love you.” I said. The words felt strange and uncomfortable on my lips The words coming from my mouth were not very familiar to me and I hated being unfamiliar with things. Hunter jerked the car to a stop at the red light. He set his eyes on me his expression was excited, but hesitant at the same time.
“Do you mean it, Sam?” He asked, staring at me so hard I thought I'd melt underneath his gaze. I looked at him and nodded, unable to say the words out loud. I had already said it once and I wasn't going to confirm the fact once again. One “I love you” was plenty because I didn't think I had too much love in me to be freely giving out anyway. Hunter looked at me and grinned from ear to ear.
“I love you, Sam. I love you, I love you, I love you.” He said. His accent grew thicker with every word and I smiled at the way the words sounded. They sounded almost...poetic. He put a finger gently beneath my chin and leaned closer to me. Just then, a car horn blared and ruined the moment. We both burst out laughing because it reminded us of the first time we'd gone out to the beach together. That was our first real date. As strange as it sounds, I was thankful for that horn blare. It was something that had happened before...something familiar. Unlike all these new words and emotions being discussed that I didn't understand. But as we laughed everything was good, everything was right, the feelings were familiar and I loved it.
The next morning, I woke with a startle to the sound of someone hollering. I rolled out of bed and smashed hard into the floor. I staggered to my feet in surprise. Kade was standing in front of me with the goofiest grin on his face. I rubbed my eyes and stared at him, waiting for an explanation on why he was in here.
“It's road-trip time! I've got snacks, CDs, and cheesy fedora hats.” He said displaying every item.
“Cheesy fedora hats?” I said, raising an eyebrow.
“Isn't that what they all wear during those cute little road trip movies?” Kade asked. I shook my head and laughed.
“Well, never the less I'm all road trip ready!” He cried giddily. I had never seen him so excited in my entire life. I loved this side of him. I loved seeing the real him.
“Can I at least get ready?” I asked.
“But you look great.” He protested. I laughed out loud as I caught my reflection. I had bed-head really badly, my hair looked like a matted lion's mane that had been tussled with by a predator, my makeup less face revealed spots of acne, and there was noticeable bags under my eyes. I grabbed a brush and ran it through my hair trying to get the huge mass of tangles out. Kade took a seat and watched me. I hated it when people saw me get ready, it just made me really self-conscious of all the things I had to cover up.
“Why do guys wear makeup?” Kade asked innocently, as I pulled out my eyeliner.
“So boys will think that they are pretty.” I stated, covering up my spots of acne.
“Jade never wore any makeup.” Kade stated. I looked at him funny.
“I thought you said she was the most popular girl in school.” I protested.
“She was.” He replied.
“That's funny... usually the popular ones are the cake-faced girls with the sleek hair that they probably spent three hours straightening.” I said. Kade looked insulted.
“Jade wasn't like that. She was absolutely flawless without a single spot of makeup and I think that's why she was so respected. She wasn't popular...she was respected.” Kade stated. I dropped my eyeliner.
“You know what? In honor of Jade I'll go makeup less today.” I stated as I shoved my makeup back into it's bag and zipped it up. I turned to face him and he flashed a look of admiration at me.
“Beautiful...” I heard him mutter. The words didn't feel like a lie coming from Kade's lips, but they still made me uneasy anyway.
“Ohhhh, sure.” I said, swatting his arm. He grinned at me and grabbed his things before heading out the door.
“Do you actually know where we're going?” I asked, once we were on the road.
“Well, I think I got a pretty good idea.” He said, glancing at the GPS.
“We're not going on a wild goose chase?” I questioned.
“Well, we are chasing your goose brother.” He replied cheekily. I swatted at his arm again.
“He's not a goose!” I protested.
“Oh, would you rather a more exotic animal? Like a hippo, or an elephant, oh how about a warthog!” He said grinning at me.
“You're a warthog.” I muttered. He heard me and r
eached over his arm to tickle me. I squealed and pushed him away.
“Both eyes on the road, mister.” I scolded. But really, any sort of affection or emotion from him was rare. I wanted him to stay like this forever and not turn solemn. I knew this road trip was very serious. It was the first time I was going to be able to see my brother in ages. But until that moment came, I was enjoying my time with Kade.
Kade popped a CD into his radio. “Drops of Jupiter” by Train blared through the speakers.
“Oh, I love this song!” I cried clapping my hands.
“Now that she's back in the atmosphere... with drops of Jupiter in her hair, heyyyyyyy!” Kade sang loudly. His singing was screechy and off-key. I covered my eyes and giggled. He pried my hands of my ears and sang even louder.
“She acts like summer and walks like rain. Reminds me that there's a time to change. Heyyyy.” He squawked louder. I giggled and decided I might as well chime in.
“Since her return of the stay on the moon, she listens like rain and she talks like June, heyyyy, heyyy.”
“So tell me... did you sail across the sun?” He sang loudly.
“Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded.” I sang a little louder.
“And that Heaven is overrated.” He half screamed half sang.
“Did you fall for a shooting star?” I tried to yell over him.
“One without a permanent scar!” Kade drowned me out.
“Did you miss me while you were lookin' for yourself out there?” We both belted together. Kade started bopping and fist bumping in slow motion. I giggled as I watched him lip sync the words. He made strange faces with every lyric and pretended to be pushing from the depth of his diaphragm. I did the same. When we were at a red light the lady beside us saw us dancing like fools and gawked at us with her mouth half dropped to the floor. Kade rolled down the window and sang to the lady.
“I'm afraid she'll think of me as plain old Jane, told a story about a man who was too afraid to fly so he never did land!” Kade sang to the woman. The lady inched away in her seat and rolled the windows up. We laughed as sped away from us the minute the light turned green. Her face was absolutely priceless. She turned pale as if she were scared we were gonna hurt her...or maybe our singing was hurting her. She looked as if she thought we were aliens that might abduct her. I laughed until my stomach hurt and tears rolled down my cheeks. I hadn't laughed this hard in ages. Every time I thought I had control over myself, I'd look at Kade and loose it all over again. Kade was so beautiful when he laughed. His eyes got this sparkle in them and his whole face seemed to light up. I wished he would laugh like this a little more often. It was like a piece of art always hidden beneath the curtain... Kade in general was a piece of art continuously hidden. I felt like we both were, but maybe now we were getting to see the light.
Kade stopped at a gas station and got out to pump. He fished in his pocket and pulled out his wallet. He handed me a little money.
“How about you go in and buy us both some icees?” He suggested.
“I've never had one before.” I stated honestly.
“Really? Oh, you're missing out. Go ahead, my treat.” He said, shooing me. I jogged into the gas station and flicked the lever on the icee machine. The thick liquid gushed out and into my cup. I thought it would stop automatically or something when it got to the top of my cup, but it continued to flow steadily. It flowed over the brim of the cup and all over my hands. I squealed and tried to catch the freezing liquid in my hands. I didn't know what to do. The ice made a loud patter sound as it hit the floor. I panicked as I started bringing a lot of attention to myself. I stuck my head under the machine and let the liquid all flow into my mouth instead of on the floor. Kade game sprinting over to my aid. He burst through the door and over to me. He snapped the lever back and stopped the stream of ice from flowing immediately. He took one look at me and burst out laughing. I had the sticky syrupy substance all over my face and stuck in my hair. I was shivering and my face felt numb from the extreme amount of coldness I had just been put through. Kade didn't stop laughing as he went to get me some napkins. He wet the napkins and vigorously scrubbed my face. The water on the napkin was warm and felt good on my half frost-bitten face. His hard-core scrubbing became slow graceful strokes on my face as he got every last bit of it of my face. Even when he was done he didn't take the napkin off my face. He traced my jawline with it and was looking deeply in my eyes. He grinned at me.
“You didn't notice the lever went backwards as well?” He whispered. His face was a little too close to mine right now. I wanted to push him away, but everything in me wanted him to stay this close to me forever. I giggled a little at my own stupidity. His hand was now holding the balled up piece of napkin, but his hand still remained outstretched along my jawline. He noticed he hadn't moved yet and awkwardly took his hand away.
“Oh, sorry. I thought I saw a little more icee.” He said quickly, his face flushing a deep red.
I laughed a little awkwardly.
“Well, the little bit of icee I tasted was good.” I stated. He laughed. His laughter rang out merrily and was like sweet music to my eager ears. The worker behind the counter came with a mop to clean up the mess.
“It's fine, I'll clean it.” Kade said, taking the mop from the man. The man didn't protest whatsoever and resumed reading his magazine with his feet propped up on the counter. Kade was such a gentleman.
“Kade, I can clean it. I am the idiot who didn't know how to pull the lever back.” I said.
“Oh, you're not an idiot, but I must admit that was a pretty idiotic thing to do.” He stated.
“Hey!” I cried. He looked up from his mopping to grin at me.
“Well, how about I try again?” I asked, grabbing another cup.
“Oh no, you don't! You've had your chance. I'll be making the icees from here on out.” Kade stated, snatching the cup from me. We both walked out satisfyingly sipping our icees.
“Well, was it worth the trauma?” Kade teased, as I took my first few sips.
“Absolutely! This is amazing. Why haven't I had one of these before?” I asked, drinking like a camel.
“Stick with me and we'll discover all sorts of things, babe.” He said, sipping loudly. I wondered what he meant by that. We started the car up and for a while there was nothing but the sound of our steady sipping. But then Kade broke the silence with a strange question that I wasn't sure I really wanted to answer. Out of the blue he turned slightly to me, taking his attention off the road and asked me,
“Do you love Hunter?” I contemplated the question for a moment and stalled by sipping my icee obnoxiously for quite a while. He knew I was dodging the question and shot me an annoyed look.
“Ah, brain freeze!” I cried, grabbing my head. He laughed softly and it came from the back of his throat. I could tell he was trying to be serious, but I made him, laugh anyway and that's why the laugh was so raspy and dark sounding.
“That's what you get for not answering the question.” He said, his voice coming out deep and dark like it usually did. His voice usually changed when he was around me though. It became perkier and he sounded more alive. But right now, he had returned to his deep monotonous dark tone. I could tell this was a serious question. I looked out the window a moment longer before finally deciding to tell him what I had never told anyone else.
“I told him I loved him last night.” I said quietly. There was nothing, but the sound of a quiet sip and tires running on the paved interstate. I waited patiently for Kade to respond. He took almost as much time as I did.
“Did you mean it?” He questioned. I was wondering why we were getting so deep all of a sudden. I mean, we were having fun. Now, we had turned into a Dr. Phil episode.
“He said it first.” Was all I was able to reply.
“Love isn't something you freely hand out, Sam. You know that, right?” Kade questioned. I felt like he was getting on to me now and I hated being corrected. I
didn't like this stern fatherly tone he was using with me at the moment.
“I know that. I don't give out love to anyone. It's a rare thing for me to care about anyone.” I informed a little annoyed. He cocked a brow at me.
“You don't care for anyone?” He questioned.
“Rarely.” I replied, honestly.
“When you're really in love...you'll know it. If you're having doubts it's not real.” Kade continued.
“Did you know you loved Jade?” I asked, trying to change the subject and make this therapy session about him. Kade laughed a little. This time, it wasn't a deep laugh. This laugh seemed to almost burst out of him. It was the kind of laugh that only escapes you when you are reminded of fond memories.
“Yes, and that's why it was so hard leaving her. You see all these movies where everything is perfect and two people have that fairy tale ending...and I found it. I found my princess. I was her prince and I was reading for our happy every after, but what's so difficult is I was the reason my princess had to leave the story book. It wasn't her decision to go... it was mine. Maybe if she had chosen to leave it would have been easier because I could have accepted she didn't love me anymore, but...it was all my fault. I can't describe to you how bad that kind of guilt sting within you...knowing you've lost your princess and it's all your fault.” Kade rambled a bit. I looked at him intently. He had the look of a man in love. He loved Jade and I was hoping I could find a love like his...one that I was completely sure of.
“Will you ever find another princess?” I asked. The way Kade said the word “princess” filled me with wonder. It was different from the way Hunter said it. Maybe it was special because Hunter had been with multiple other “princesses” before he met me. He had probably used that term as a nickname more than a proclamation of his love. Kade had only one princess and he loved her with all his heart. I would die to be called his princess.
“Maybe I will some day, but now... I don't think it would be fair to her. I mean, I kind of still love Jade. I don't think it's fair to offer someone your heart when it already belongs to someone else.” Kade said. Woah, that's deep.
“To be honest... I don't want a love like the movies. I see these books and movies and it scares me.” I admitted.
“How so?” Kade asked. He looked at me as if he were actually interested in what I had to say and that was a rare thing. Not many people, gave a care about what I had to say so I continued knowing this might be the only time this kind of undivided attention was offered so freely to me.
“When I hear these love songs, watch these movies, and read these books and it just scares me. You give your love everything. Your heart, your time, sometimes even your money and you're also giving them the chance to ultimately crush you. I mean, why would you take the risk like that? It could make you immensely happy, but it could also bring you so many tears and so much pain. Life just seems easier when you don't care for people. When you don't care about anyone... no one can let you down, nobody can disappoint you, or break you, or leave you all alone.” I rambled. I looked to Kade realizing I had been going on about this for a while and I assumed his reaction would be bored, but it wasn't...it was thoughtful.
“You can't appreciate love unless you've been in it, Sam...it's amazing. It makes you feel so-” I knew this was going to be a sappy lovey-dovey talk.
“I don't feel though...I don't feel anything. I feel hate and sadness for the most part and those seem to be the only two emotions I possess.” I stated.
“Love will make you start to feel.” Kade said.
“I don't want to feel.” I protested. Kade drew in a deep breathe and exhaled it slowly, obviously buying time for his next comeback.
“To be honest, I don't know if I am either. The hardest part is trying again. When someone or something leaves you heartbroken it's so hard to pick up the pieces again. Learning to love again is a hard task and you're case...learn to trust again. We can relate to each other, Sam. I guess I just have to wait until my princess is ready for that fairy tale ending...because the prince isn't ready to ride off into the sunset either.” Kade said. I stiffened a little at what he had just said. Was he saying that he wanted a fairy tale ending with me? Surely not. I tried not to think about it too much. But the look he gave me was very hesitant as if he was studying my expression to see if he has overstepped his boundaries. I didn't return the eye contact and made sure my gaze was locked on the road.
The way he said “princess” was beautiful though. It actually was almost like poetry rolling off his tongue and the words were like music to my ears as they exited his lips. I was surprised that they intrigued me so much, but I was pretty sure I knew why. When he said he was waiting for his princess he meant the girl that would come with the key to unlock his heart again. When Hunter called me his princess I knew that there had been many royalty before me, but Kade... Kade was real. His princess was gone now and he was once again searching for a damsel in distress to save. But in reality she'd be the one saving him, saving him from being so bitter, saving him from being forbidden to love, and saving him mostly from himself.
“Well, why was Jade your princess? What made her so special?” I asked, putting the pressure on him once again.
“She was perfect. She was very romantic as well.” Kade said with a grin.
“What was so romantic about her?” I questioned.
“One time, I was really confused about if I school pursue this whole music thing or not and I told her I just needed someone to light my way. That night, she had a trail of rose petals leading to my backyard. She had set torches and candles all around my yard and when she came out she said, “I'll be your torch...I'll light your way” and hugged me. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” Kade stated. He smiled as he recalled the memory and I could tell it was a happy one for him. I wanted to have happy memories with him as well. Woah, my mind was going wild.
“Are we close?” I asked, trying to change the subject quickly. Kade glanced at his GPS.
“Yeah, we're almost there actually.” He replied. I grinned from ear to ear. I couldn't wait to see my brother after all this time. I would tell him all that had happened and how much I've missed him and we could just be a proper family again. Just the thought of it set off a little giggle in me that I do believe escaped my mouth.
“What are you so happy about?” Kade asked, noticing my soft laughter. He looked at me as I tried my best to wipe the grin off my face.
“I'm just so happy! I can't wait to see my brother again.” I squealed. Kade grinned at me. I don't think he'd ever really seen me so enthusiastic.
“Don't worry, in forty miles he's all yours.” Kade said cranking the radio. Now that our deep conversation was out of the way it was time to crank the tunes and jam out. Besides, this was no time for seriousness and pain. This was a time for celebration. Or so I thought...
After what seemed like years, Kade parked the car. We were in front of a shabby house that looked like it could use a paint job. The wood was splintered and the whole place smelled of smoke. I coughed as I inhaled the foul smell. Kade sputtered and wheezed as well. I thought this was a rehab center to stop smoking, drinking, and drug use habits not advertise the matter They must have a few people who sneak back and do those kind of things... surely not my brother though. He wasn't that desperate. We walked up the creaky wooden stairs that looked as if they might give at any moment then pushed hard against the heavy door as it slowly gave in and opened noisily. All eyes turned to us as we entered the room. Obviously there weren't many visitors around here. The boys were sitting at tables, playing cards, and lounging around. So far so good. Kade and I slowly made our way through to the front desk as he smiled as the stunned looking boys.
“Um, who are you here to see?” The lady asked.
“I'm Sam Baker and I'm here to see my brother Ryan Baker. Oh, and this is my friend Kade... he came with me.” I informed. I felt like my every word bounced off the walls of this place and ju
mped around the room. The place was so quiet and eerie. I looked down at the cupcakes I held. Kade and I had gone to a lot of trouble to get cute little custom made cupcakes from this expensive new bakery in town. I'd saved for a little while to get the nicest ones there. I knew Ryan had a sweet tooth. I was so excited.
“He's in room 309 down the hallway.” The lady said jerking her head lazily in that direction. Kade and I both nodded our gratitude then started down the long narrow hallway. The cheap lights on the wall flickered with our every step. The floorboards moaned beneath our weight and I figured this might just be the cheapest place in all of Tennessee. My excitement was dying with every step toward that door. Something deep down told me I wasn't going to get exactly what I was anticipated today. I gently lifted my shaky hand to knock on his door. I didn't know why I was so nervous, I mean he was my brother. There was really no need to be tense, but it was hard to relax in such a disturbing environment.
“Do you want me to wait out here?” Kade asked, interrupting my deep thoughts.
“Yeah, could you? I kind of want to talk to him in private.” I replied.
“I completely understand. I'll be in the lounge, alright? If you need me I'm here.” He said. I nodded. I was glad I had him here with me.
The door swung open to reveal my brother with a goofy grin on his face. I threw my arms around him. It felt so nice to be in his arms again. I wasn't the touch feely kind, but this moment was a wonderful one. I had desired his embrace for so long. His arms were strong and his grip tightened around me. I inhaled deeply. He smelled like smoke. I pulled back and looked at his face. His eyes were dimmed and glazed over. I drew in a shaky breathe and looked at him. He was ridiculously skinny and his pants sagged off his body. His hair lay on his shoulders in two big tangled clumps and a headband was pushing his shaggy locks away from his face. He looked awful. I wondered if he was even sober. I was about to find out.
“Ryan?” I said quietly.
“Sam! How's my wonderful sister?” His words slurred and he couldn't seem to focus his eyes on me for more than a few seconds. I was infuriated. He was supposed to be here to sober up, not have an all you can smoke dope buffet. I bit my lip trying not to saying anything that might upset him. It was especially to anger him when he was in this state.
“Ryan, are you okay?” I asked cautiously.
“Yeah, never better.” He said, swaying a little. I clinched my teeth together and set my jaw tightly to control my tongue from releasing a string of accusations.
“Sit down.” Ryan offered, pulling out a chair. I slowly and hesitantly was seated across from him. I set the cupcakes on the table beside him.
“That's nice.” He said, nodding toward the cupcakes. I forced a smile. I decided I would ease into the conversation and not explode him with everything I wanted to say. There was so much I wanted to tell him and so little time.
“Ryan, are they good to you here?” I asked. I felt like I was speaking to a small child or a dog. I had the voice of a master training his pet. Ryan nodded deeply and lazily, his head tossing his one side as he did.
“Have you been sober?” I questioned further.
“Yeah, the people here are nice.” He said. I sighed. That wasn't the question at all.
“Hey, I wanted to ask you something.” I said slowly.
“Fire away, sis!” He said, taking a swig from his bottle. I jumped at the sight of it. Just the image of anything alcoholic made me want to be sick. Ryan had scarred me for life. I would never drink a drop of it as long as I lived. I had made a vow to myself and to God. I didn't want to end up like this fool, throwing away everything that he ever cared about.
“Ryan, you're not supposed to have that.” I said, angrily. I tried to stay calm, but I could feel my body heating as anger surged throughout me.
“Oh, calm down. It's just a little gift from the boys.” He said, licking his lips. I inhaled deeply trying to keep control of myself.
“I got a list of things I need. If you visit again I want you to bring them.” He said shoving the list toward me. I took the list calmly in my hands.
“Visiting you again isn't very likely.” I muttered.
“What was that?” He snapped.
“Nothing.” I said quickly. I glanced at the lists. The first thing on there was cigarettes... yeah, like that was going to happen.
“Um, anyway...I wanted to ask you if you really wrote this.” I said, taking a note from my purse. The note was a letter to my father. It said how sorry he was and how much he'd changed. It went on to say how much he loved my father and cared for him, how he couldn't wait to show the new him off to the family. But the letter seemed full of lies now. Ryan looked anything but changed.
“Therapist made me write that.” Ryan said, swigging from his bottle again. My jaw dropped practically to the floor. All the excitement I had been feeling before was suddenly sucked out of me and drained from my system. My entire body froze and he continued downing the rest of the liquid in his bottle.
“So...the letter you wrote me was fake as well?” I asked quietly. Ryan just stared at me blankly. He might as well have ripped my heart out, thrown it on the ground, and stomped it a few times. I had received a letter earlier that said how much he couldn't wait to see me and how he treasured me. The letter had actually made me cry which was a very difficult thing for me to do so I was deeply touched. Now I find out that every bit of it was lies. Every. Single. Word. I had never been so disappointed in my entire life. I thought he meant it. I thought he loved me I don't even know why. How could I have possibly been so stupid? Why did I even come here anyway? It wasn't worth it. None of this was. I traveled so far and worked so hard to get here. I spent my time and money on him and what did I get? A drugged, little bum that would never amount to anything, drool and make drunken conversation. A fire starting in me.
“You're a little liar!” I yelled. He jumped back a little as I continued to scream.
“You lied to Mom, and Dad, and me! We gave you everything!” I hollered. He shot off his seat.
“You gave me nothing. Mom hated me.” He said.
“YOU LIAR! SHE LOVED YOU AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE SAYING!” I shrieked. Tears started forming in my eyes as anger continued to boil inside me. He stood there watching me burn and didn't care. My tears didn't face him. He didn't know how hard it was to start a water show with me.
“GET OUT!” He screamed back, slurring a little.
“NO! You're nothing but a no good, lying, backstabbing, selfish, bratty, stupid, drunken, drug-dealing, waste of air and I hate you. I will never stop hating you. You lied to us. You let us think you cared after we gave you absolutely everything. You don't know how much I've cried over you and honestly you don't care. I will never cry for you again. I hate you.” I said through clenched teeth. He didn't react much. He just took another sip from his bottle. Now, he's done it. I swiped the bottle from his hands and threw it as hard as I could against the wall. I hated that bottle. I knew he loved that bottle much more than he could ever love me. He screamed like I'd just shot him. He shoved me hard and I fell down. I quickly shot to the door and stumbled to my feet. I fumbled with the knob trying as quickly as I could to get out of there. I felt his hand grip my shoulder and I thought I was about to get hit. Kade burst in just then and him away from me. Ryan hiked back an arm and punched him right in the mouth. I screamed as he did.
“STOP! DON'T TOUCH HIM!” I shrieked. I tried to pry Ryan off him, but he gave me another hard shove and I went flying in the other direction. Kade tackled him to the ground and they rolled around punching and hollering words I didn't want to hear. Kade gave him a hard punch in the nose that made me slide down the wall in the corner, covering my ears, and praying. Ryan shoved Kade against the wall and Kade kneed him hard in the stomach. Ryan coughed, sputtered, and then fell to the floor. He gasped to get his breathe back. Kade took advantage of the moment. He took my hand and sprinted out of the house. He practically carried me
down the creaky old stairs and didn't stop running until he reached the car. He shoved the keys into the ignition and peeled out of the parking lot. But not before I saw a limping Ryan shuffle into the lounge and give out my expensive, hard earned cupcakes. I think he wanted me to see that. He wanted me to know that he'd never eat anything I'd touched and he in no way was interested in accepting my peace offering. He didn't want peace. He hated me now and I apparently hated him too. I burst into tears. I was so disappointed, and hurt, and embarrassed. I was indescribably angry and embarrassed for letting myself be so stupid. I wept bitterly right in front of Kade and at the moment I didn't care how much of a baby I looked like. The pain was just too much for me to bare at the moment. Kade pulled the car over once we were a safe distance away and opened my door. He pried me out of the car and into his open arms. I sobbed into his chest and I just didn't care. I didn't care if anyone saw us, or if they took pictures. It just didn't matter. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. He rubbed my shoulders as they shook up and down with my every sob. He whispered comforting things and my ear that I could hear over my muffled cries. He swayed a little soothingly and I honestly wished he'd never let go. I pulled away and looked at him. There was still blood on his face.
“Oh, Kade! I'm so sorry. I never thought you'd get hurt-” He started.
“Shh, it's alright. I'm fine.” He assured as he pulled me back into his arms. I still held my face to my hands as he held me to his chest. I didn't want him to see my tears. I wanted him to still think of me as a strong individual. I stared at the tattoo on his forearm that read “strong” and the sight comforted me. He pulled up his shirt sleeve a little and peered at it.
“That's you.” He said, lightly tracing the word with his finger. I smiled a little and reached into the car. I pulled some napkins out of the glove department. They were left over from our icee and I had placed them there. I wiped his face gently and he flinched a little when I did.
“Are you okay? Does it hurt?” I asked. He shook his head and let me wipe the rest of the blood away. He had a scab by his mouth and his eye was slightly swollen. I looked at him and anger surged throughout me again.
“I can't believe he did this to you.” I said through clenched teeth. He traced my jaw lightly with his fingertip.
“It's okay, I did it for you. He was no match for me anyway.” He said with a laugh. I laughed as well and it felt nice.
“He's not worth your pain or my tears.” I said. But as I said it the pain still welled up inside me and I broke. The tears flooded again and embarrassed me once more. Kade pulled me into his strong arms again and I let him. I cried and cried. I cried for the love that I'd never obtain, I cried for the thoughts wasted on him, I cried for my mother whom he never loved, I cried for my father that he could never accept, I cried for all the times I had been envious of that perfect family, I cried for always thinking I had done something wrong to make him this way, I cried for being so stupid to believe he loved me, I cried because that bottle was worth more than I was, and I mostly cried for the best big brother I never had.