Full Throttle

by Chelsea Camaron

  Jake

  I was in the sandbox, on another deployment, when I found myself emailing the jeweler for Kenna’s ring. In all the years we have been together, I have never bought Kenna a ring; I’ve bought her everything else, necklaces, bracelets, but never a ring. In fact, when I go into any jewelry store, I avoid looking at rings. I always try and make sure that I never lead Kenna on, where marriage is concerned. I shun the ring department all together, just to avoid any angst.

  At first, I told myself I was ordering the ring because I missed her so badly. Then all the guys around me were talking about getting home to their wives and kids. To be able to claim Kenna fully means something. Referring to her as ‘my live in girlfriend’ doesn’t seem to do justice to the love I feel for this woman. Feeling like I wasn’t being fair to our relationship, I sent the email, not sure if what I was asking would be possible.

  Emailing Ryder, after I received a reply from the jeweler, was harder than buying the ring. Keeping it short and to the point, I asked him to pick up a gift for Kenna and store it in the safe, until my return. Without one question, Ryder followed through with my request.

  Maybe, I acted a little rashly by buying a ring. It was the first time I was able to even think of calling Kenna my wife. When I purchased the ring, I hadn’t planned to actually propose or get married; I just felt I needed a ring for Kenna, even if I never gave it to her. Man, I am messed up in the head. After being home these last few weeks, my thoughts are a little more open minded on the topic.

  Dina is right, Kenna does have her own dreams. I haven’t been fair to her or our relationship. I guess the first step was buying the ring; now I have to face the first thoughts of actually getting married.

  Can’t Sleep

  Jake

  The last two hours are full of tossing and turning. Since the sandman seems to have abandoned me tonight, I get up.

  “Babe, what’s wrong? Where are you going?” Kenna asks, with the sleep very evident in her voice.

  “Nothing Angel, I am just going down stairs for a snack. Go back to sleep.” Gently leaning over, I kiss her temple, and run my fingers ever so slightly through her hair before going downstairs.

  I head to the kitchen to grab a sandwich and a beer. In the corner, by the door leading to the garage, is my military gear from the last deployment. When I returned, Ryder needed me back to work fast. I have been so busy at the shop that I have yet to put my gear back in the garage.

  First, I was there to cover for Ryder while he was in Colorado with Valerie. Ryder returned, immediately getting into a fight with Brayden, which caused Brayden to leave. A heavy work load remaining with just two men to cover it. Brayden is going through some serious issues of his own and I am not sure when he will be back.

  My chest tightens as I glance at the gear once again. Kenna is so strong through the deployments and trainings. She remains upbeat and supportive no matter what. To be back home, alone, waiting, and wondering what I am doing, hoping I am safe would drive me crazy. Kenna handles it with complete grace and strength.

  Kenna has a heart of gold. She not only takes care of me but the other guys in my unit as well. Once we get settled into wherever we are currently deployed to, Kenna always asks me to tell her right away who doesn’t have support from home. Within a few weeks, she mails them all care packages. Kenna always takes care of everyone around us. I can’t help but wonder, am I giving the same consideration back to her?

  Every girl, at some point, if only in childhood, dreams of her wedding day, she is no different. I have taken that dream away from Kenna. I am such a selfish bastard. She deserves better than this, better than me. Why is it so difficult for me to get over my hang up on being married?

  Always With Me

  Kenna

  I wake up to an empty space beside me. Jake never came back to bed last night. We always sleep together, even with his nightmares, or when we are fighting. After all the time spent apart with the deployments, we treasure the little things more, like being wrapped up in one another. What is going on with him that he didn’t want to sleep beside me?

  I shower and dress for my day, trying to tame my irritation. I descend our stairs, reaching the bottom; I stop and stare. Jake is asleep sitting up on the couch, empty beer bottle still in his hand. This gorgeous man is snoozing away in his boxer briefs. Watching him breathe in such a relaxed state, I take in the man before me.

  Jake is built lean like a swimmer. When standing, he is five feet ten inches tall. He has a trim build with broad shoulders. He is not overly muscular but he is toned everywhere, especially in the definition of his chest and abs. He has dusty brown hair with deep green eyes. For me, he is a perfect fit, and the sexiest man I’ve seen.

  As I take in the steady up down rhythm of his chest, I am drawn to the angel tattoo. She is moving with him with his every breath, as he inhales and exhales. This movement pushes the words around her, causing them to practically scream out to me. I get teary eyed remembering that specific ink experience.

  It was right before his first deployment to Iraq. He said I have always been his angel, saving him from himself since the day we met. The angel on his chest was designed to resemble me in her facial features. The script seems to dance around her.

  ‘Watch over me, carry me, bring me always safely through to my loves waiting arms’

  Mentally, I have got to shape up. Jake does not need me as a distraction with all that is on his plate at the garage. Dwelling on the marriage that will never occur isn’t going to help either of us. I am Jake’s love, as he is mine. I wait when necessary for the next opportunity to hold him close, and always carry him in my heart.

  I see Dina with Ryder, knowing their day is coming soon. The desire for that level of commitment is evident in the way they look at each other. Maggie has made it more than clear to Brayden (and everyone else) that she expects a proposal sooner rather than later. Both of these couples are so in love and on the path to wedded bliss.

  Jake and I are still head over heels in love with each other. Despite all the years together, I continue to get butterflies when I see him. The honeymoon phase has never ended for us.

  Seeing our friends so happy and in love is wonderful. I truly am overjoyed for them. This whole wedding thing, where Jake and I are concerned, shouldn’t bother me so much. Yet, it does. What am I to do about it now?

  Jake

  When I wake up, Kenna is gone for the day. It’s strange. She always wakes me, no matter what, to say goodbye. Concerned and confused, I send her a text.

  Sorry I fell asleep on the couch. Have a good day angel. I luv u.

  As I wait for a response I decide to take a shower. The water cascades over me as I get lost in my own thoughts. With the way I acted last night, Kenna probably realizes that something is going on in my head. I have certainly backed myself into a corner this time. After my shower, I check my phone. Kenna’s text is waiting.

  Okay see you tonight.

  That is not her usual reply. Shit, she knows something is awry. One thing with Kenna, she does not tolerate me shutting down communication. She believes whole heartedly in honesty in it’s most raw, forward form.

  When we first got together, I was not willing to divulge anything about my family, my past, or my situation with her. Her patience with any shit from my stress induced moodiness and unwillingness to confide in her only went so far. My refusal to open up pushed her to almost break up with me on more than one occasion.

  Once, in our early days, she told me in all her sassiness, “Jacob James Thompson, I can put up with any shit you choose to dish out as long as I am not left in the dark about what’s going on. You want to be a jerk because you won’t trust me with your secrets and feelings? You take that mess somewhere else. That I will not tolerate. So either tell me what your problem is or I am done with us.” Hands on her hips, brow creased in frustration, she was sexy as hell.

  She is the only person, other than Ryder and his grandma, who know about my family. Peo
ple have asked about my mom over the years and my answer has always been “she’s not around.”

  Kenna has always been accepting and understanding of me: the good, the bad, the difficult. I have never experienced the kind of unconditional love she has for me.

  As I am drying off I look down at the angel inked on my chest. My angel, my Kenna, there isn’t a better woman out there for me than her. Even our bodies come together, like two pieces connecting in a jigsaw puzzle; we are made for each other.

  Unlike Ryder and Brayden, I am not over six feet tall. I am just shy of that, to where Kenna’s head lays perfectly in the nook of my shoulder and chest. My girl has amazing curves. Kenna is gorgeous, not too much just enough. Her ass is plump and round, and I love the little jiggle it does when I smack it. Kenna’s breasts are enough to fill my hands perfectly. Her stomach is perfectly flat in the middle of those amazing curves. It’s like the valley between the two mountain peaks. Having her ass pressed up against me when I pull her close each night, as we sleep, is a little piece of heaven here on Earth just for me. She has curly brown hair that falls just past her shoulders and hazel eyes that light up my life.

  I finish getting ready and head into work. I am running a little late this morning but Ryder won’t mind. As many hours as I have put in since my return, I honestly don’t care if he does mind. I will get there when I get there and work my ass off from the time I arrive to the time I leave.

  I get to the shop. All the boys seem super distracted today. Where is the farmer’s almanac? Is a full moon coming? Guys aren’t like women; we don’t get our periods at the same time.

  Boiling Point

  Kenna

  Adding to the headache that began at work today, I arrive home to an empty house. Checking my phone, I see a text from Jake saying he will be working late and not to wait up. Another night alone in bed for me, and not because my man is off serving our country.

  Insecurities begin to crawl around in my head. Did he really have to work late? Is he avoiding me? I’ve never felt disconnected from Jake like this before.

  I contemplate calling Dina to find out if Ryder is working late as well. Brayden has been known to use the garage as a way to dodge Maggie; I can’t help my curiosity. Before I get the chance to carry on with my thoughts or calling Dina, my phone rings.

  “Maggie, what’s up girl?” I answer

  “I need to go out. I want to get shit faced and forget that men ever existed. You free Friday night?”

  I pause. It’s been forever since I have gone out with my girlfriends.

  “Sure, I could use a night of silliness while getting wasted. I’ll pick you up at ten.”

  Brayden and Maggie have been going through a lot lately. Maggie obviously needs a distraction. Given the last few days with Jake, I, myself, could use a night to be lost in alcohol.

  ******

  I don’t know what time Jake actually got in last night. I went to bed around eleven pm, alone. It’s now six am, the bed beside me cold, empty, and untouched. He’s home because his belt is on the dresser. My anger and hurt at his obvious rejection are both at their boiling point.

  Seeking the comfort of a hot shower, I head to our bathroom. Releasing the anger, frustration and hurt as I scrub my body in an attempt to send the negative down the drain with the water. My feelings are hurt, my emotions all tangled in knots. Jake is bothered by something and he’s closing me out.

  The soap bubbles being sucked down the drain remind me not to allow this situation to suck me away as well. I resolve, then and there, to give Jake the space he obviously needs. No nagging, no temper tantrums (yes, I have been known to throw one a time or two even as a grown up), and no fighting; when he is ready he will talk. Until then, Kenna Jean Farnsworth will be calm, cool, and collected.

  Jake

  The sound of water alerts me that Kenna is indeed awake. Shit, I was hoping to be gone before she got up.

  When I finally got home at two this morning, I knew Kenna would already be in bed. I went upstairs and showered. As I was drying off, I caught myself watching her sleep. She is beautiful and peaceful lying there in one of my t-shirts. Kenna’s facial expression changes showing some sadness and distress. Finding myself wondering what she is dreaming, I immediately feel the need to escape. The walls feel like they are closing in. Does Kenna dream of the ring, the dress, the church, the vows, and the kiss?

  Thinking of the ass I am for crushing every girls childhood wish, I grab a beer and head to the couch. Damn, just thinking of a wedding in a dream version has me anxious as hell. No way am I really ready for any of this.

  Knowing I can’t make all of my lovers dreams come true, there is no way I can lay in that bed beside her. So here I sit, downstairs, pondering my situation. Do I love Kenna enough to let her go? It’s time to get real. When our current status isn’t enough for Kenna she is going to leave me for the future I can’t give her.

  These thoughts consume me; I lose track of time, drifting in and out of a fitful sleep. I’m in the kitchen making coffee when I realize the exact time. My plan was to be at work by now. Gone now, is the idea of avoidance.

  Kenna enters the kitchen in a black skirt, a sage green shirt with the matching peep toe heels. Damn, her legs look amazing in those shoes with that skirt. She has her hair in a sleek bun, looking like business. She is so hot, I feel my body stirring. It’s obvious I am giving her more than a once over.

  My gaze meets hers in a glare so serious, I shiver a bit. I am pretty sure that look has to do with me and not because she is getting ready for work.

  “Good morning, Angel. You look beautiful.” I greet her.

  Responding in a forced tone, “good morning, Jake.”

  This feels awkward and foreign. Things have never been this strained between us. Now I see why Kenna has always harped on and on about good communication. Yet, even admitting that, I can’t bring myself to tell her what’s on my mind.

  Kenna silently packs her lunch for work, makes her to go cup of coffee, and takes out some chicken to cook for dinner. I glance over and make a quick decision. I put the meat back in the freezer.

  “How about you come to the shop tonight for dinner? I know I’m going to be working late, so there is no need to cook. Dina is already planning to bring dinner for Ryder. I will have her get us something too.”

  She is quiet for a moment. Her voice is barely above a whisper when she replies.

  “Are you sure you want me there? You don’t want to be around me here.” She shrugs, turning away from me, looking defeated.

  Those words cut me deep. I’m such an ass. I make my way to her. Pulling her close, I just hold her for a moment.

  “Yes, Angel, I want you there. I know I haven’t been myself lately. Working so much has made me tired and sore by the end of the day, I can’t seem to relax enough to fall asleep. You have your own schedule to keep and need to rest. I haven’t wanted to keep you up. I’m sorry, baby.”

  Not wanting to fight, and needing her to feel the want I have for her, I decide to take action. Before she can respond further, I kiss her with everything in me. Passion and need consume me. Quickly, I push her skirt up and release my erection. Lifting her up, I wrap her legs around my hips and I push her panties aside as I lean her against our countertops. I enter her hard and fast. I’m full of blazing fire, desire, and need for her. I can’t slow myself down as I pound into her. Too many mixed emotions are running through me as I explode inside her. Not my best performance, but damn, I had to have her. She hates when she feels like I am using her body as a distraction. For me, communicating physically, with my body connecting to hers, makes me feel like I’m saying more than I could with mere words.

  She is smiling at me with a shit eating evil grin as I pull out. She smooths out her skirt as I set her shaking legs down.

  “Nice distraction, champ. I’m not buying what you’re selling about the sleep. I know something more is going on. You want to be an ass and shut me out? Fine, so be it. Until you d
ecide to open up don’t expect me to be all smiles and laughter. I will be there tonight because I would love to see Ryder and Dina.” She says as she gathers her things and leaves.

  Oh hell, she is pissed. No line of bullshit is going to get by her. How do I tell her? No one would want to hear ‘yep I thought I wanted to get married for a hot minute. I even bought you a ring. Now though, I realize I just can’t. Marriage would suffocate me. Sorry, I got confused for a while. I took it out on you for no reason because the end result is we still won’t be getting married.’

  All In a Day’s Work

  Kenna

  I should’ve resisted him this morning. Now all those bitter feelings I sent down the drain are back to the forefront. Thanks to that selfish bastard, I’m left with an ache that he was too quick, in his release, to fulfill and in a bad mood. Since he is working late tonight, we certainly won’t be revisiting our earlier kitchen scene. This calls for a stop to the store for batteries. I am so tense, and my body is crying out in need of release. Bob ( my battery operated boyfriend) to the rescue.

  Once I get settled into my day, I easily become absorbed in the numbers before me. When you are in accounting, you see everything in black and red, positives and negatives. Math is math, numbers add, subtract, multiply, and divide to the same answer always. One plus two equal’s three; two plus one equals three, no matter which way you turn it. The answers to the equations are the same regardless of the positions of the numbers. People, however, do change. Their positions change, sometimes causing emotional changes. Can Jake and I survive the changes concerning our future? I find myself wanting to be married, something Jake is not willing to give me.