Full Throttle

by Chelsea Camaron

  My colleague, Chad, enters my office, bringing me out of my thoughts. He is looking sharp in his gray suit and blue shirt. Chad is tall, well over six feet and well built, reminding me of Ryder in a lot of ways. He has chocolate brown hair that always has that finger run through spiked style. His crystal blue eyes draw you in with their depth, like being lost in the ocean sea. Yes, he is a fine piece of man meat.

  “Hello, beautiful,” he greets.

  “Hey Chad, how’s it going?”

  “Absolutely wonderful since you are wearing green today, my favorite color.” He smiles a devilish grin. “Some of us are going out for drinks Friday night, care to join?”

  “Sorry, I have plans Friday night. Maybe next time?”

  “Oh I see, your man returns and now it’s all work and no play.” He says with a slight laugh.

  “Are you seriously mocking me right now?” I chuckle

  “Would I do that?” He asks, feigning an almost innocent face. “And if I am, does that change your mind?”

  Now I am laughing. “No sorry, Friday is girl’s night for me and some friends. Next time, I’ll be there.”

  With a grin that screams trouble with a capitol T, he says, “I plan to hold you to that Kenna. And I expect you to wear green; it brings out those gorgeous eyes. Have a good day, beautiful.”

  He leaves as my desk phone is ringing, giving me no opportunity to reply. Chad is known to be a flirt; I try not to take too much stock in his compliments or desire for me to go out. He has never been so brazen with me before. I did go out with everyone from work a couple of times with this last deployment Jake was on. Going home to an empty house was just too much.

  I am finding it harder to send him off and count down for homecomings. It’s hard when I see wives who have whored around the entire deployment welcoming their men home. They have no respect for their vows, the sacrifice their men are making, and the damage they are causing to their relationship. Yes, I will admit, mostly I am just jealous; I don’t get the same updates they do because I am just a girlfriend not a wife. I will never get to hold that title. A title that they carry with no disregard for what it means. I would treasure a man that would love me enough to commit his life to be my partner, my lover, my confidant. A man who would be proud to share a home, a life, and his last name with me. They have that and stomp all over it. While I can only fantasize about having it with Jake.

  The workday passes quickly, soon finding myself pulling up to the garage. I have been so busy today it’s kept me from my frustrations with Jake.

  I park my red Mazda RX8 beside Dina’s Mustang. That girl seriously loves her cars fast and with a whole lot of flash. She has a passion for both old hot rods and new loaded machines. Me, I’m a girl that wants a sleek look, smooth ride, and a growl that echoes out of the exhaust. The comfort in all the amenities of a newer car keeps me happy. The escape of a good drive steadies my heart, calms my nerves, and speaks to my soul. To be lost on the pavement, with the hum of my engine surrounding me, brings clarity throughout my body and mind.

  Stepping out of my car, I begin to feel anxious about seeing Jake. Leaving this morning, the way I did, wasn’t right or respectful of my relationship with him. We have been together long enough I should be able to tell him how I feel. What I feel is the problem. I want to be married. I want to have the ring, the dress, the name, and the white picket fence, damn it. For so long, I thought this would be enough. Thinking of being in our thirties, forties, and fifties with no ring bothers me in a way it never did before.

  Dina greets me. Her smiles and happiness are always infectious. Immediately the tension leaves me and I am genuinely happy to be here. Jake comes around to the lobby area with a look of intense compunction. He wraps his arms around me, content to embrace me. His face is buried in my hair.

  “I am sorry about this morning, Angel, and the last few weeks. I just have so much going on. I love you.” He whispers in my ear.

  His remorse for the distance between us pulls at my heart, bringing tears to my eyes. Rather than speak, I cup his face in my hands, pulling him into me for a kiss. Letting my lips and tongue speak for me, I kiss him with all the love I can give. He brings his hands down to cup my ass, giving a gentle squeeze. I moan in pleasure. I want to be connected to Jake as one. This is one time I wish we weren’t in public. Brought out of our moment, by the sound of Ryder clearing his throat, we gently pull apart.

  “You two need a minute, or a room?” He says jokingly. Dina is giggling beside him.

  Jake and I both laugh. Relief washes over me as I enjoy this time with my man and our friends. Dina spreads out the Chinese take -out containers as we all got comfortable to eat in the lobby. We have done this a couple of times now since the boys have put in so much time at the shop in Brayden’s absence. It’s easy to fall quickly into our regular banter now. This started not long after Jake returned. Brayden and Ryder were disagreeing about stuff and Bray took some time off. Jake and Ryder were stuck with some tough deadlines, which meant a lot of late nights. Dina and Ryder, being in a new relationship, started having dinner up here to have a little time together. Soon after, I started joining in. Dina and I are now close friends and I love having this time with the four of us together.

  Jake

  Looking over to see Kenna relaxing brings a peace to my heart. We have had a rough few weeks with the distance between us. Having her here at the shop, hanging out with my childhood best friend makes me smile.

  When I first met Kenna, she immediately brought me into her group of friends. In Wilmington, she made sure we made friends we could all hang out with. Knowing that she and Ryder can get along is a comfortable feeling for me. I want Kenna to be a part of every aspect of my life, and having her get along with the only other person that knows my history means a lot. Dina and her becoming friends is the icing on the cake, making it even better.

  Dina stays busy being in business for herself. Kenna has a pretty straightforward eight to five, Monday through Friday work week. The two of them don’t get too much time together but when they do, they enjoy it. Maggie, who works for Dina, comes along most of the time too. She hasn’t been around much since she ended things with Brayden. He is in rehab now and I know she is trying to sort things out. Her brother Harrison moved up here recently and has started working at the shop.

  Harrison is a good guy once you get to know him. He jabs at me all the time about being a reservist. He was in the Marine Corps; you know the saying, ‘once a marine, always a marine’. He suffered a career ending injury during his last deployment to Afghanistan. He was living in South Carolina doing construction, or something, before coming here. He doesn’t talk much about is past. Guys don’t sit around sharing our bullshit anyway. Harrison is a sarcastic prick at times, but he is as straightforward and loyal as they come. He looks mean, tall and built like a tank, tattoos on his forearms, long hair now that he is out, and a glare that quite possibly could cause some men to cower. He finally came out from under the hood of the 1970 Plymouth Barracuda he is working on to join us for dinner.

  “Hey Dina, Kenna, looking beautiful as always,” he greets them as he winks at me and Ryder.

  “Dude, really? In my face, you’re going to flirt with my woman.” I laugh.

  “I’m not flirting I’m speaking the truth. Kenna is beautiful as always. Put a ring on that finger and you wouldn’t have to be so uptight.”

  “Ha-ha. I’ll get right on it.” I respond as my chest tightens so much I feel I can’t breathe.

  “You’ve had years, Jake, I wouldn’t say you’re right on it.” Dina chimed in, sarcastically.

  Kenna is swirling her food around, she has stopped eating. With her head dropped, I can’t tell what she’s thinking. I don’t know what to say. I am thankful when Ryder changes the subject. The ring is mere feet away in his safe, but the thought of all of this makes me nauseous. Just when I feel like I can get back on track, I get derailed. Luckily, Kenna and I are sitting on the couch in the lobby. I pul
l her over closer to me. I keep my arm around her, both to claim her and to find my own security in having her by my side.

  Leaning over I whisper in her ear, “I love you, Angel.”

  She looks up at me and I see her eyes glistening in unshed tears. Oh damn, this is not good. She wants the ring, the wedding, the marriage, the happily ever after. It’s written all over her face, clear as a sunny day. Before I can compile a coherent thought, Kenna excuses herself to every woman’s hideaway, the bathroom.

  “Thanks a lot for bringing up the ring. Now she is upset and I don’t know what the hell to do. Damn it.” I say as I begin cleaning up our plates. “Ryder, I can’t stay tonight. I’m sorry man, but I need to have some time with her. I got back and things have been crazy.”

  “Jake, you need in the safe man?” He asks.

  “No, I don’t think I will ever need it with the way I’ve been feeling. Just drop it right now okay. Kenna and I need some time to be back to Jake and Kenna, the way it’s always been.”

  “What if the way it’s always been isn’t enough anymore, Jake?” Dina questions, with fury in her eyes.

  Has Kenna said something to Dina? I don’t get a chance to ask her because Kenna returns looking exhausted and heart broken. I pull her to me.

  “I’m not staying late tonight after all. I will meet you at home Angel.”

  She nods at me. Kenna makes her way over to hug Harrison and Ryder goodbye. When she and Dina hug a few seconds longer than the others, I can tell they are whispering to each other. What has Kenna shared with Dina? I walk Kenna out to her car.

  “I have to go get my tools put up, clean up, but then I will be home.”

  “Take your time Jake, I need to go for a drive. I love you and I’ll see ya later.” She says as she is climbing into her little sports car.

  “I love you, too. Please be careful. You know how I feel about this car.”

  This is not good. For as long as I can remember, when Kenna needs to make big decisions, clear her mind, or think things through, she goes for a drive. Kenna is known to have a lead foot; I’ve lost count of the speeding tickets over the years. They don’t make cars like they used to. All fiberglass and plastic materials now, compared to the heavier sheet metals in the good ole days. I always worry when she is in that death trap she loves to drive fast. Knowing I am the reason she is off contemplating her life on the highway, in this tiny car, eats at me. Thinking of what will happen when we are home alone worries me too. Kenna and I have never been in such an uncomfortable spot before. I don’t know how to make it right.

  Clarity

  Kenna

  Windows rolled down, radio turned up, just cruising. I have to get out of my head. Normally, I would turn off the radio relishing in the sounds of my engine. Right now, though, silence is an excruciating torture. Even the road noise, as the tires roll on or the gears changing as I shift up and down, doesn’t bring me solace.

  Momma always told me, “Never settle for less Kenna Jean.” Is that what I am doing with Jake? In all these years his stance on marriage hasn’t budged at all. Can I accept never having that?

  What about kids? Jake is and has always been adamant that he doesn’t want children. When we were in high school and college it was easy to agree with. I was so focused on my education and career goals, there was no way I could think of having kids.

  Now school is done and I love my career choice; Jake and I are financially stable. Thinking of a baby takes on a different thought process for me. To have a baby, that would be the true joining of me and Jake. A creation from the love Jake and I share doesn’t seem like a bad idea. A piece of me, a piece of him, always together, watching over he or she, raising the child together, always connected. Even if we never marry I would like to be called ‘mommy’ one day.

  Then I think to the name thing. By not being married, I wouldn’t share a last name with my kids. That is unacceptable for me. There it is, to have a baby, to be a family I do need that level of commitment from Jake.

  Finally having some clarity, I turn down the volume on the radio. It’s time to get real with myself. Yes, I want the whole shebang, the whole nine yards. I long to have the ring, the dress, the wedding, the name, the two point five kids, a dog, a goldfish, and the damn white picket fence.

  There is a freedom in being honest with yourself. Facing Jake with this, however, is anything but a free feeling. Am I prepared to lose Jake for my dreams of having a family of my own?

  Jake

  I hear Kenna pull into our garage. I have been dozing in and out of sleep on the couch for the last hour. Deciding I am not ready to face her, I pretend to be asleep.

  Listening as she enters through the kitchen, I make sure to slow my breathing to an even pattern. When she finds me on the couch, TV off, eyes closed, I hear her sigh. As she places a throw blanket over me, I hear her whisper.

  “Jake, I love you. I don’t know what the future holds for us though.”

  Once I hear her reach the top of the stairs I release the emotions I have been holding. Things are going downhill fast and my heart physically pounds a deafening beat through my ears. Damn, this is not good, not good at all.

  Why does the mere thought of being married suffocate me so much? I love Kenna, I don’t want anyone else, but I can’t get married.

  Leaving Notes

  Jake

  Another nail in my coffin, I know. Leaving for work at o’dark thirty this morning to avoid Kenna is going to make things so much worse later. I can’t help myself. I’m not ready to face her. Going to work isn’t where I mess up; not saying goodbye is my mistake. I did leave a note, telling myself, that it should count for something. One can only hope.

  Being a mechanic, I love working to make something run more efficiently. To make it smoother, faster, cleaner, making an all-around improvement. Taking something broken to repair it, taking something that has seen better days to restore it to its prime. That’s what I do. I wish I could say I am doing something to make my relationship run better. Instead, I have the feeling I am tearing it apart, little by little, with no hopes of putting it back together.

  It’s just Harrison and I today at work. Ryder is preparing for his proposal to Dina. Since Harrison started working here, we have actually become good friends. We relate easily over military experience.

  “Damn Thompson, you are for shit today son. Stop staring at the rotors and get them in the brake lathe. They won’t turn themselves.” Harrison gruffly states.

  “Sorry Lawson. I’m for shit today is right.” Shaking off my thoughts, I respond to him.

  “You wanna talk about it man?” He asks, in genuine concern.

  “I’m fucking up with Kenna bad. It’s dumb. I love her. Shit, we are practically married. Why, then, can’t my ass even think of doing it for real?”

  He laughs at me when he replies. “Dude really? I can’t find a woman who wants me for more than a fuck buddy. Kenna’s a good girl. Why wouldn’t you want to marry her? You can’t tell me you’re a pansy ass to commitment because you two bought a damn house together and share a bank account.”

  Shaking my head, I try to explain. “This has nothing to do with her, she’s perfect for me. I don’t believe in marriage. It just doesn’t work.”

  “Thompson, you’re a bigger dumbass than I thought. Have you met my parents? Marriage works if two people are committed to fighting for it to succeed through the good, the bad, and the ugly.”

  I shrug. I know some people can make a marriage work; I don’t know that I can. Mulling over Harrison’s words I get back to work.

  Kenna

  “It’s Friday night bitch! Let’s go, time’s wasting, drinks are waiting.” Maggie says standing in my living room.

  Since Jake resorted to leaving notes this morning, I will too. My grandparents, on my dad’s side, would do this when they were fighting. Are Jake and I actually fighting? Well, we definitely aren’t communicating.

  I climb into the back of Maggie’s new SUV beside Sop
hia. Dina is driving us, as she doesn’t like to drink often and not at all when she is driving. Maggie seems pretty upbeat considering her break up with Brayden. She turns to face us in the back seat with a huge grin.

  “Girls this is my new theme song.” She states, turning up the radio.

  Full blast through the speakers is Hinder, Without You. Maggie immediately begins to sing to the opening verse.

  There is a line talking about something’s changed, I immediately think of Jake. He’s definitely been acting strange. Am I really ready to be without him?

  I’m quickly brought out of my musings by a now belting Maggie in the seat in front of me. I’m taking Maggie’s over expression of independence as a sign of her inner turmoil. After four years being committed to Brayden, I am sure this is all tough.

  We arrive at the club to a packed house. The bass thumping, bodies moving, time to get lost in alcohol, music, and good friends. I make my way to the bar to start a tab when my phone goes off. Checking it, I find a text from Jake.

  A note K. WTF? How long ago was girl’s night planned? Ry knew y didn’t I?

  Really? He’s pissed at me? Oh hell no, he left a note first. With that thought, I respond.

  U get what u give j

  With that I turn my phone off and decide to really let loose. Stew on that Jacob James Thompson. Childish, I know, but I’m a girl with mixed emotions.

  Girls Gone Drunk

  Kenna

  Tonight is getting wild fast. Sophia, Maggie and I rack up quite a tab. Its starts with Sophia taking a shot for men being assholes. Maggie adds a shot for each year she wasted with Brayden. That sparks me to wave the bartender over, line up five more shots to her four, for the years I’ve wasted waiting on Jake.