Clean Slate

by Heidi Champa

  I didn’t know what to say. It seemed an innocent enough request, but the look of anticipation on his face made me wonder. I reminded myself that the girls were going to be there. I thought of turning him down, of doing the smart thing, but I just couldn’t make myself do it. I told myself it was just a way to get out of the basement for the night.

  “Sure. I haven’t been to the movies in forever,” I said, causing a shot of adrenaline to start coursing through my veins.

  “Great. I’ll see you and Kelsey on Saturday.”

  “Okay.”

  I stepped down onto the driveway and looked back. He was framed in the doorway, and I couldn’t help but stare. God, he was hot.

  “Have a good night, Wes.”

  “You too, Sam.”

  As I drove away, I was suddenly hit with a wave of panic. I was going on a date. Sort of.

  CHAPTER 7

  I THREW another shirt onto the bed, the reject pile growing bigger by the minute. Nothing I put on seemed right. I wanted to look casual, but not like I just rolled out of bed. As I searched through the piles of my clothes, I saw it. The sweater Nick had called about. It was lightweight cashmere, in pale gray and black argyle. It was perfect. I’d have to remember to dry-clean it before I sent it back to Nick. Although, when I slipped it over my head and saw how good it looked on me, thoughts of giving it back were summarily dismissed. Maybe what Nick didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him. What was one more horrible deed from a guy like me?

  I jogged up the basement steps and went to the kitchen. Tina eyed me from the dining room table and started to chuckle.

  “Nice sweater, Wes. That can’t be yours.”

  “It’s not. It’s Nick’s. He called about it a few days ago.”

  “You gonna return it?”

  “What do you think?”

  I grabbed a soda and passed it back and forth between my hands, hyper energy crackling through me. Tina laughed again, closing the magazine she’d been reading.

  “You’re nervous, aren’t you?”

  I scoffed, cracking open my soda.

  “I am not. It’s a movie. It’s no big deal. At all,” I said, even though I didn’t believe it.

  “You are such a bad liar. I know you think Sam’s cute. Admit it. Hell, I think he’s freaking adorable. Believe me, all the single moms in town were disappointed to find out he was gay.”

  “I’m sure they were,” I said, admitting nothing.

  She stared at me, and I started to feel uncomfortable. It was a parent trick I’d seen her and Daniel use a million times before. They didn’t say a word until you cracked and told them what they wanted to know. I was starting to buckle under the strain of the silence. It was an amazingly effective tool.

  “Fine! I think he’s hot. Are you happy now?”

  She rested her elbows on the table, a smug smile on her face. “Yup. I really am.”

  “You can’t tell anyone else I said that.”

  “Who am I gonna tell?” she asked.

  “Uh, duh. Daniel.”

  She rolled her eyes and shook her head.

  “Oh, please. He’s clueless about this stuff. The real question is why are you acting so weird about this?”

  “I’m not acting weird.”

  “Yes you are. He’s a nice, successful, gorgeous guy. Is it possible your standard’s a bit too high?” she asked jokingly.

  Not surprisingly, Tina didn’t get it. It was beyond me to try and explain it, but I knew I had to try if I wanted to save face.

  “That isn’t it.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “It’s complicated, okay?” I said, trying to put her off.

  “I doubt it. Just try and put it into words.”

  I gave up trying to evade and sighed.

  “He’s not my type, okay. I mean, he’s even more out of my league than Nick was. Besides, me and dating don’t exactly play well together. It’s just not something I’m looking to do. Ever again.”

  Tina frowned, and I waited for her motherly lecture to start. “That’s not true.”

  “Uh, yeah, it is. And, more importantly, this is just a movie. There’s no way on earth this guy would ever be into me. He’s way too… good. So don’t go getting any ideas. I said yes to be nice. That’s all.”

  Tina seemed unconvinced by my argument.

  “I think you’re wrong,” she said.

  “Of course you do. Because you want him and me to walk off into the sunset together. But I can tell you right now, it’s never gonna happen.”

  She walked to me and put her hand on my shoulder.

  “I said the same thing when I met Daniel.”

  “This is different.”

  “Why?”

  I knew I should come up with a better answer, but I didn’t have one. So, I went with an old reliable one. “Because it is!”

  “Why?”

  I sighed, knowing I could explain myself all day and never get through to someone like Tina. Normal people just didn’t get it. They never did.

  “Trust me,” I said.

  Just as the words were out of my mouth, the doorbell rang. My throat seized up a little bit. I drank some soda as Tina giggled her way to the front door. Sam walked in behind her, Maya taking off up the stairs. It was really hard to keep myself from staring at him. He looked amazing in his jeans and striped shirt. There was an extra button open at his neck, and the triangle of exposed skin made my mouth go dry. So I drank more soda.

  “Hey, Wes. How are you?” he asked, casual as you like.

  “I’m good. You?”

  “Good. Nice sweater, by the way.”

  “Thanks.”

  Tina went back to her magazine, but I could tell she was listening to everything we said.

  “Did you decide between the action flick or the other action flick?” he asked, like he didn’t really have a preference.

  I honestly didn’t care which movie we saw as long as I got to sit next to him. Maybe there was no chance he’d ever be into me, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t enjoy the view along the way.

  “I’m fine either way. They both seem to have enough explosions to be really great,” I said, hoping I didn’t sound too eager.

  “Agreed. We can decide when we get there.”

  “Okay,” I said, not knowing what to do with my hands. I set my empty can down on the table in the foyer and slipped my fingers into my pockets.

  He looked at his watch and tapped his foot.

  “We should probably go,” he said.

  Tina jumped up and summoned the girls from upstairs. Maya and Kelsey came bounding down the stairs, the cloud of laughter and perfume assaulting my senses. Once we were in the car, Sam and I fell into silence as the girls prattled on the whole way to the multiplex. We purchased the tickets, and after the girls disappeared into their theater, Sam and I made our way to our movie at the opposite end of the complex.

  “So how was the rest of your week, Wes?”

  “Pretty good. I helped a lady in Daniel’s neighborhood clean out her garage.”

  “Sounds fun,” he said.

  “Oh yes. It’s a glamorous life,” I said with a chuckle.

  I followed him up the stairs in the theater, and he looked at me over his shoulder.

  “How did you get into professional organizing, if you don’t mind my asking?”

  We sat down in the second to last row, the theater mostly empty. Sam munched from a bag of popcorn, his giant soda in the cup holder between us. I opted for candy but didn’t open it yet.

  “Well, I worked for a junk-hauling company right after college and one of the companies that hired us to do cleanup was looking for someone to work with clients. I got the job and I’ve been doing it ever since.”

  It sounded sad, even to me. It was certainly not a story I told to impress people. Having no idea what Sam thought, I kept quiet as he formulated his response.

  “You’re good at it,” he said.

  “Thanks. I guess.”


  He paused as he chewed some popcorn.

  “I meant that as a compliment. You seem to have the ability to balance the practical side with the sentimental side. A lot of people can’t do that.”

  “I’ve been told it’s a gift.”

  “I think it is,” he admitted.

  “And I think it’s because I really don’t have a sentimental side.”

  “That’s not true. I don’t believe you’re as cynical as you appear.”

  He offered me some popcorn, which I gladly accepted. His smile was so beautiful; it was almost hard to look at.

  “I think you give me too much credit,” I said.

  “I think you don’t give yourself enough.”

  His voice was so serious, I had to lighten things up.

  “Agree to disagree, then.”

  I ate more popcorn, hoping he wouldn’t ask me any more about my job, so I wouldn’t have to bring up Nick. He changed the subject all right, but not in the way I hoped.

  “So… you never did tell me why you and your ex broke up.”

  I nearly choked on a piece of popcorn and started coughing uncontrollably. Sam patted me on the back and offered up his soda. After a few moments, I could breathe again.

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem,” he said, his hand still resting on my back. “You didn’t have to choke to get out of answering the question. You could have just said you didn’t want to talk about it.”

  He withdrew from his touch, easing back into his seat. I looked at him for a long moment and, in spite of my better judgment, decided to take a chance that he would understand the truth; that it wouldn’t ruin any chance we might have to be friends. Since that’s all we were ever going to be. I took a deep breath and bit the bullet.

  “I… well, I kind of tried to move out without telling him. I packed up all my stuff while he was away on business, but he caught me before I could leave,” I said, just above a whisper, as if the volume would make it less terrible.

  Sam’s face dropped and his eyes turned to the screen, suddenly interested in the trivia nonsense flashing in front of us. He slowly ate popcorn without a word, but it wasn’t hard to figure out what he was thinking. The same thing any decent guy would think about a guy like me. I was willing to bet a guy like Sam would never dream of being so callous to a boyfriend.

  “That’s not what I expected you to say,” he said finally.

  I quickly shifted into damage-control mode. Even though I knew I shouldn’t care what Sam thought, I did. My life was short on people I could actually talk to. I didn’t want to lose one more. Not yet.

  “It was a mistake. I was being selfish and childish before the breakup, hoping if I messed up enough, he’d dump me. When that didn’t work, I took what I thought was the easy way out instead of being a grown-up about it. Things weren’t working, and instead of facing it, I did a stupid thing.”

  He still wouldn’t look at me, and I sat back in my chair, an uncomfortable silence falling over us. I shook my head and wished I could go back in time and think of a lie, any lie. The advertisements on the screen blathered on, and I tried to come up with something to say. But there really wasn’t anything that would change his new opinion of me. Sam cleared his throat and finally turned his eyes back to me.

  “Wes, we all make mistakes. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

  I didn’t believe him, of course. He said it in a way a father would tell their child they were proud, even if they weren’t. He was humoring me. Part of me loved him for it, but it didn’t make me feel any better.

  “Doesn’t it?” I asked.

  “No.”

  “Well, you’re the only one who thinks so. I have it on good authority that I’m the worst person in the world.”

  I tore into my candy box and ripped open the bag. Shoving a piece of chocolate into my mouth, I tried to tamp down the storm brewing inside my stomach.

  “If everyone who’d ever made a bad choice was a bad person, there would be no good people left in the world.”

  He smiled at me, and I recalled something he said to me a few days before.

  “It’s sweet of you to let me off the hook,” I said with a grin.

  “It’s not me who has to. You should forgive yourself.”

  Boy, he said a mouthful without even knowing it. What I’d done to Nick was just the last thing on a very long list of things that I needed to forgive myself for. Too bad it was a list I was sure I’d never actually get around to looking at.

  “Yeah, I’m still working on that. That might take a while.”

  He put his hand on my arm, and I fought the urge to yank away from the armrest.

  “Trust me when I tell you, beating yourself up doesn’t accomplish anything. We can’t change the past,” he said ruefully, as if he spoke from experience.

  I knew he was right better than anyone, but it did little to ease my guilt. The lights dimmed and the previews began. I was happy to put an end to the conversation, but I was disappointed when he moved his hand away. The movie was mindless fun, and when the lights went up, we made our way to the lobby, where Maya and Kelsey were waiting, phones in hand, the two of them laughing and texting. Once again, Sam and I didn’t say much in the car, content to let the girls fill the void. Sam pulled up in front of Daniel’s house and put the car in park.

  “This was fun,” he said to me. Maya and Kelsey muttered in the backseat, and as much as I didn’t want the night to end, I knew a quick exit was the best idea.

  “Yeah. Thanks for inviting me.”

  “No problem,” he said.

  I gave him a quick smile before I averted my eyes and opened my door, Kelsey right behind me as I hit the sidewalk. She bumped her hip against mine as we walked to the door, my key already in my hand. She whistled an off-key tune and went right back to checking her phone.

  “Did you have fun on your date, U Dub?”

  “It wasn’t a date.”

  “Sure. Right. Whatever you say.”

  “You think you’re so smart, don’t you?” I asked, knowing what she’d say.

  “Yup. And awesome.”

  She tore up the stairs, and I found Daniel and Tina at the table, both smiling like loons. I thought of heading straight to the basement and avoiding their prying questions, but I was afraid they’d just follow me. Daniel jumped in first.

  “Well, how was the movie?”

  I decided to have a little fun before the interrogation started.

  “It was okay. Highly unbelievable. I mean, the plot was ridiculous, but the effects were good.”

  “That’s not what I meant, smartass.”

  “I know,” I said, enjoying winding him up.

  Tina smiled and winked at me, coming at the question another way.

  “Did you and Sam have fun?”

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  She sighed and threw up her hands.

  “God, you really are useless.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you two, but I don’t think he and I are going to be falling in love anytime soon.”

  They looked at each other, and after allowing time for more inquiries that never came, I retreated to the basement. I started clearing my vetoed outfits from the bed when my phone rang. It was Sam.

  “Hello?”

  “Wes, hi.”

  I had no idea why Sam was calling, so I went with the most obvious reason.

  “Did Kelsey leave something behind in the car?”

  He chuckled, and I sat down on the edge of the bed, the discarded shirts all but forgotten.

  “No, nothing like that. I just wanted to say again how much fun tonight was. We really didn’t get a chance to talk much in the car with the girls going a mile a minute.”

  I was shocked but tried to keep it out of my voice.

  “Yeah, it was fun. It’s been a while since I’ve been to a movie. My ex wasn’t really a fan. Unless it was a foreign film—those are the worst.”

  “I feel the same way. Maya made me go to on
e a few years ago, and it was terrible,” he groaned.

  There was silence on the line. I had no idea what to say next. Sam finally spoke up and kept things going.

  “I also wanted to apologize if I got too personal. About your ex, I mean.”

  “No need to apologize. I mean, sure, it’s not my finest moment, but….” I trailed off, not knowing what else to say.

  “I wanted to make sure you didn’t think I was prying. Because I wasn’t trying to. I guess I just wanted to get to know you a bit better. You seem like an interesting guy, Wes.”

  I couldn’t believe my ears, and my first instinct was to downplay his words.

  “Trust me, I’m pretty boring.”

  “I doubt that. If anyone has the boring market cornered, it’s me. I sell insurance, for God’s sake.”

  “You don’t seem that bad, Sam.”

  “You say that now. You barely know me,” he challenged.

  “I’m sure you’re not nearly as boring as you think you are.”

  I could hardly believe what was happening, the whole night taking an unexpected turn.

  “I’ll prove it to you.”

  I knew I shouldn’t ask, shouldn’t take the bait, but I did anyway.

  “How?” I asked.

  “Have dinner with me, and I’ll show you how boring I can be.”

  I was stunned silent, my mind was swirling, and before I could open my mouth, he cleared his throat and went on.

  “Or not. I was just kidding. You know what? Forget I asked. It was stupid. We don’t have to have dinner.”

  “No, no… I’d love to have dinner with you. I guess I just wasn’t expecting you to say that,” I said.

  “I wasn’t expecting to say it either.”

  We laughed, the tension broken. At least, most of it.

  “See, I told you you’re not as boring as you think,” I said, still a bit breathless.

  “Thanks. So how does Thursday night sound?”

  “Works for me.”

  “Great. How about we meet at that Italian place on Fifth? Around seven?” he asked. There was only one answer I could give.

  “Sure. Okay.”

  “Cool. See you then, Wes.”

  “Yeah. See you then.”

  He hung up and I stared at my phone, unable to comprehend what happened. I trudged up the steps and found Daniel and Tina right where I’d left them. When they saw me, they stopped talking.