Clean Slate

by Heidi Champa

  “What’s wrong, bro?”

  I hated to admit it, but I had no choice. I needed help to make sense of it.

  “Sam asked me to dinner. And I said yes.”

  I PARKED and turned off the ignition. It was nearly seven, but I was paralyzed. My dinner with Sam had plagued my mind for nearly a week. I had a feeling he was already inside, waiting for me. Sam seemed like the kind of guy who was always early. He was responsible and steady, grown up and mature. This dinner was doomed from the start. But I still wanted to go through with it, if only to prove to myself and everyone else that Sam and I wouldn’t work. That a date with a guy like Sam was a huge mistake.

  Just as I suspected, Sam was already at our table. As I approached, I could see his face was flushed. After the waiter left with our drink order, Sam smiled before scanning the menu.

  “I’ve heard good things about the lasagna here,” he said with a nervous laugh.

  I pretended to be engrossed with the choices, but I was barely looking. It was sad that I’d basically forgotten how to talk to a guy. Nick and I got to the point that we barely spoke when we went out to dinner. It was like we were both seventy years old or something.

  “My ex was never a fan of lasagna.”

  I nearly winced after the words were out of my mouth. Why did I have to bring Nick up? We’d been at the restaurant less than five minutes, and I’d already broken cardinal rule number one. No talking about old boyfriends.

  “How can someone not like lasagna?”

  I shrugged, wanting to move away from more Nick talk, but I’d brought it up.

  “I’m not sure. Something about the carbs.”

  Sam nodded before going back to the menu. The waiter returned with our drinks and I pounced on my iced tea, my throat suddenly dry. We ordered, lasagna for him, penne with vodka sauce for me, and went back to our awkward silence. After a few moments and a big sip of wine, Sam spoke.

  “Wow, I guess I’m not very good at this. It’s been a while since I’ve been to dinner with anyone.”

  “How long has it been?” I was curious as hell.

  His face flushed further, his eyes darting to the left.

  “Well, remember what I said about being boring?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Let’s say I’ve been really boring for about five years.”

  I couldn’t help it when my eyes went wide.

  “Wow. That is a long time.”

  It was the last thing I should have said, and I immediately regretted it.

  “I told you,” he said, shrugging.

  “I get it, though. I mean, you’re a busy guy. You’ve had better things to do. Like hang out with your daughter.”

  He smiled, putting his napkin in his lap.

  “You’re really good at that, you know.”

  “What?”

  “Saying just the right thing to make a guy feel better.”

  I laughed, unable to stop myself.

  “What’s so funny?” he asked.

  “Nothing. It’s just, I’ve heard that before.”

  “So what? I’m not the only one who thinks you’re charming?”

  It was my turn to blush, his compliments getting to be a bit much.

  “Well, there’s my sister-in-law. I mean, she counts, right?”

  He laughed, and I swore I saw his shoulders drop an inch, the tension leaving his body.

  “Well, I hate to break this to you, Wes, but you’re pretty charming.”

  I looked down at my silverware and tried to pretend everything was normal.

  “Thanks, I guess.”

  “You should really learn to take a compliment.”

  “I’ll have to work on that. I mean, it doesn’t come up that much, so I’m out of practice.”

  Sam started to laugh as the waiter returned with our salads. As we made small talk between bites, it started to feel like a real date. Except I still wasn’t sure it actually was one. I decided to test the waters to see if I could get Sam to open up a bit.

  “So, tell me, Sam. How is it you haven’t been on a date in five years? It can’t be for lack of opportunity.”

  He squirmed at my question, and it felt kind of good to turn the tables on him.

  “Like I told you at my place, it isn’t really a high priority for me.”

  “Sounds reasonable.”

  I was hoping for more, but I also didn’t want to push. I was thankful he kept going, giving me a bit more to work with.

  “But, also, it’s the people I meet. None of them ever seem to be right,” he said, staring at his plate.

  “How do you know they’re not right if you don’t date them?”

  “I just know.”

  “You must be magic or something. I never seem to be able to tell until it’s too late.”

  He laughed and focused his eyes on his salad for a moment before meeting my gaze.

  “It’s not magic; it’s a defense mechanism. I don’t get involved so I can’t get hurt.”

  His words were so honest, and I could totally relate. Unfortunately.

  The waiter appeared with our meals, and we fell into silence for a few minutes as we ate. Something he said made me wonder. I needed some clarity.

  “If you don’t date, then what are we doing here?” I asked.

  He smiled and wiped away a bit of tomato sauce from his lips.

  “Like I said before, I just know.”

  His face was cryptic, and I squirmed in my seat as he stared.

  “So, what is it you think you know about me, Sam?”

  He gave a sly grin and continued to eat for a moment before he answered.

  “Not much, actually. That’s why we’re here. I’m curious. And it’s been a long time since anyone’s made me curious.”

  “So that’s why you decided to take a chance with me?”

  “Pretty much,” he said, as if it required no further explanation.

  His hand reached under the table and rested on my knee for a moment, until the waiter returned to check on us and Sam pulled back. I straightened up and pretended not to care, moving far enough away so he couldn’t reach me again.

  “So then what else do you want to know about me, Sam?”

  He sat back in his chair and messed with his napkin.

  “I’m not sure where to start,” he said.

  “Then maybe I should ask you a few things, you know, to keep it fair.”

  He drummed his fingers against the table, making the water dance in our glasses.

  “I might be willing to agree to that,” he said.

  I smiled as I put my fork down, relishing the chance to get a few more tidbits from Sam.

  “You sure?”

  He nodded and I rubbed my hands together, putting on my best devious face.

  “Okay… let’s see… when was the last time you had a boyfriend?” I asked, starting with something easy.

  He looked up at the ceiling and sighed. I had clearly hit a nerve, but I was dying to know. Sam was so cagey, it was maddening.

  “I’ve, uh, well… it depends on what you mean by boyfriend?”

  I paused. I’d never had to quantify the term boyfriend before. What were the standards? After a few seconds, I came up with what I thought was a good answer.

  “Someone you’ve dated for more than a few months; someone you saw a future with.”

  That seemed to satisfy him, and he rubbed his hand over the back of his neck before answering.

  “Oh, well, in that case, the answer is easy. Never.”

  I raised my eyebrows and tried to pretend I wasn’t stunned by his answer.

  “You’ve never had a boyfriend?”

  “By your definition, no.”

  “Well, what about by your definition?” I asked.

  He thought about it for a while, then shrugged with resignation.

  “I mean, there’ve been guys I’ve dated, but none of them were ever very serious. Most of them only lasted a few weeks. It’s hard to find someone that I like
and that I think is worth having Maya get to know. It really narrows the field. I mean, I can’t just think about me.”

  More of that responsibility and maturity. God, he was so good. Pragmatic and steady. It should have turned me off, but it did just the opposite.

  “Of course. That makes perfect sense,” I said, setting my napkin on the table.

  I opened my mouth to ask another question, but he cut me off.

  “So now it’s my turn, Wes.”

  I was wary, but they had been my rules, so I had to stick with them. I imagined the barrage of embarrassing questions Sam would pose, digging into my pathetic life. But fair was fair.

  “Okay.”

  He narrowed his eyes and rubbed his chin. I got worried and felt sweat start to form on my back. I started to think of ways to bend the truth, to keep myself from being too exposed.

  “There’s one thing I’ve been dying to know, Wes.”

  “What’s that?”

  He leaned forward a bit and put his elbows on the table.

  “What it would be like to kiss you.”

  If I’d had anything in my mouth at that moment, I would have spit it out. It was, literally, the last thing I expected to hear from him. He licked his lips, and the last of the air that was in my lungs disappeared. I tried to steady myself, but my words still came out a bit rough.

  “Um, well, we might be able to answer that a little later. If you want.”

  He smiled and leaned in a bit more, his voice just above a whisper. “In that case, do you mind if we skip dessert?”

  After Sam insisted on paying the check, we walked to the parking lot and I followed him to his SUV. He turned to face me, neither of us making a move. His hands were still in his pockets, and it seemed by the look on his face that he might be having second thoughts about wanting that kiss. I knew I had to let him off the hook, and not just because it was the right thing to do. It was the best way to avoid disaster. Better to end it now, before things had gone too far.

  “We don’t have to do this, you know,” I said as coolly as I could. The last thing I wanted him to know was how much I wanted him to kiss me.

  “I brought it up,” he said, his eyes on the ground.

  “So? It’s not like you can’t change your mind. I won’t be offended.”

  He stepped toward me, the gravel crunching beneath his feet. We were focused on each other, and I was surprised by how fast my heart was pounding. I tried to keep my breathing slow and even, but it was getting difficult to keep pretending I didn’t want him. He snaked his arm around my waist and pulled me close, our lips meeting awkwardly, our chins bumping a bit too hard. Before I could move my mouth at all, he pulled back and looked away.

  “Sorry. That was bad. This was a bad idea, Wes.”

  Not one to give up, I grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled him to me, pressing my lips to his as gently as I could. I moved slowly, taking my time, and allowed him to relax a bit. Once he did, he put his arms back around me, the kiss quickly turning from innocent to inappropriate for a public place. Without warning, he spun us around, easing me against the side of his car, our bodies pressed tight together. Sam’s tongue forced its way into my mouth, and I could tell how excited he was. A little encouragement seemed to be all he needed. But things were starting to get a little too heated, and I needed some air. He seemed surprised when I broke the kiss.

  “Sam, maybe we should slow down a little bit.”

  He smiled and ran his hands down my back.

  “I’ve been taking things slow for the past sixteen years. I’m tired of it.”

  “Okay, but….”

  I didn’t get to say any more, because his mouth was on mine, our tongues battling as his hands slipped under Nick’s borrowed sweater, which I’d trotted out again, as it was the only decent thing I had to wear on dates. Or whatever this was. Things were moving way too fast, and I knew I should try harder to stop him, but I didn’t. This was way better than any real date I’d ever been on. We managed to cut through all the boring getting-to-know-you crap and jump right to the good stuff, which was fine with me. I managed to pull away long enough to make a suggestion.

  “Maybe we should get in the car, then. So we can have a little more privacy.”

  He ran his tongue across my neck and planted a soft kiss right below my ear.

  “Sounds like a great idea.”

  He pressed a button on his key, which made the lights flash and a beep ring out into the night. He yanked the door open and practically shoved me inside. I was flat on my back in the huge backseat, and Sam climbed on top of me. He seemed like a different person, like our kiss had flipped a switch inside him. I liked the bold side of Sam, even though I knew it was most likely an act.

  “Now let’s get those pants open, Wes.”

  Even though I was more than interested, I knew things had officially gone too far.

  “What? Seriously?”

  “Oh, I’m dead serious.”

  He grabbed at my belt and made quick work of my button and zipper. His hand reached into my boxers and grasped my cock.

  “Oh, God,” he said, his words a choked whisper.

  He stroked me slowly, my dick getting hard despite my misgivings. I stared at the ceiling of the car, trying to make sense of what was happening. There was no good reason not to take advantage of the situation. I knew it would probably be my only chance to hook up with Sam. I had to take it. I thought again, just for a second, of stopping him, of restoring reason, but that thought flew out of my mind as soon as his lips wrapped around the head of my cock, his tongue circling and swirling. I couldn’t stop the words from leaving my mouth.

  “Oh, fuck.”

  He sucked me, and I propped myself up on my elbows so I could see him. It was a surreal sight, this guy I barely knew blowing me in the back of his sensible family car. It felt so good. If this was Sam out of practice, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle the well-experienced version. My hand settled in his hair, gently grasping him, keeping him in place. He caressed my balls, making me groan. I ran a palm over my face, trying to calm myself down, but it was no use. His mouth was unbelievable. I felt my composure slipping away, but I wanted to keep it a bit longer.

  “If you keep going like this, I’m gonna come.”

  I thought he would stop, but he increased his speed and wrapped his fingers around the base of my cock. My body started to quake and I shot into his mouth, unable to control myself for another minute.

  “Oh, fuck. Sam.”

  My hand unwound from his hair, my whole body spent. With a long swipe of his tongue, he released me from his mouth, and I struggled to sit up.

  “Jesus, that was amazing,” I said breathlessly.

  Sam pulled me into a kiss, another shock in an evening full of them.

  “You have a really nice cock.”

  He pressed his forehead against mine, my breathing returning to normal.

  “Thanks.”

  “See, that’s how you take a compliment,” he said.

  He eased my hand to the bulge in his pants and I could feel the impressive swell of his erection. I sighed before he kissed me, my salty taste still on his lips.

  “Maybe it’s time I gave you a compliment, Sam.”

  “I’m not gonna say no to that.”

  He opened his pants and placed my hand on his cock. I closed my eyes for a moment, relishing the feel of him in my hand. I’d never really screwed around on the first date before. If this even was, in fact, a date.

  “I have to say, this is so not how I saw this evening going.”

  “Shut up and enjoy it, Wes.”

  I WAS still feeling a bit light-headed when Sam walked me to my car. We hadn’t said a thing since we left his backseat. I was almost afraid to utter a word for fear of making things weirder. Sam looked off into the night, and I tried to think of something to say. It was clear, the guy from the car had disappeared and the real Sam had returned. I decided to tread carefully and try to keep things ligh
t. I was afraid he was going to start freaking out, regaling me with words like “mistake” and “drunk,” even though he’d only had one glass of wine. I picked something I thought was benign and inoffensive.

  “Tonight was fun, Sam. I’m glad you asked me to dinner.”

  “Yeah. It was nice.”

  His face was a jumble, and I had no idea what he was thinking. I was desperate to ask, but I was sure that would only make things worse. I was beyond confused, but I thought it best to keep that fact to myself.

  “So….”

  The syllable had barely left my mouth when he retreated a step, his hand up to stop me from continuing.

  “Before you say anything Wes, I think I should clear something up.”

  His tone was ominous, my stomach clenching at his words. Here it came. The speech I knew he’d deliver. Now that things were over, he wished it had never happened. I knew the words would come, but I also knew I needed to let him say them. Once again, I wished for a way to go back and stop us from getting carried away. Now all I could do was let him say his piece and chalk it up to another in a long line of memorable mistakes.

  “Okay.”

  He took a deep breath, and I joined him.

  “What happened just now, it’s not something I do. Ever. I really let myself get carried away. And I never get carried away. I honestly don’t know what came over me.”

  “It’s not my usual Thursday night either.”

  He smiled, but it was stiff. Clearly my attempt at humor had fallen flat. I clamped my mouth shut and decided to keep it that way for the time being.

  “I want to be clear about something. Despite what I hinted at in the restaurant, I’m not looking for a boyfriend. I mean, this was fun, and you’re great, but….”

  He gestured as if there was nothing else he needed to say. I wanted to know what the end of his sentence was going to be, but the thought of asking was too much to bear.

  “Okay.”

  “But I like spending time with you, and I think I made it pretty clear I’m attracted to you.”

  I nodded, for lack of anything else to do, and finally managed to formulate my thoughts.