Clean Slate

by Heidi Champa

  I struggled to get the trash bags up the stairs. Sam was still chatting away in the other room, and I tried not to bump into too many things on my way out the front door. After setting the garbage on the curb, I hesitated before going back inside. The sun was warm, and after spending the better part of the day in a musty basement, it was nice to get some fresh air. I could still hear Sam talking when I went back inside. Taking one last look at the list, I realized there was nothing else he wanted me to do that day. I carried the paper with me to the kitchen and scrawled a quick note to Sam on the back before I washed my hands. I’d just ripped a paper towel free when his voice made me jump.

  “I’m so sorry, Wes.”

  I turned and saw him leaning against the counter, an apologetic smile on his face.

  “For what?” I asked, even though the question was completely ridiculous.

  “Abandoning you down there. With your pants down, no less. Very rude of me.”

  I laughed it off as if it were nothing, despite the fact that there was a dull ache in my balls from our aborted tryst.

  “It’s okay. Work comes first. I get it. No need to apologize. Besides, there’s always next time.”

  He walked closer to me but stayed a few steps away.

  “I had no idea the guy would go on that long. He can really talk.”

  “Like I said, it’s fine.” Before he could say anything else, I went on. “I finished with the list, so I figured I’d call it a day.”

  He raised his eyebrows, my businesslike manner confusing him. I didn’t know what else to do.

  “Um, well… I don’t know. But you don’t have to go just yet, do you?”

  Sam wrapped me in his arms and put his lips to my neck, exactly in the same spot they’d been before we were interrupted.

  “No, I guess not. But I’m all sweaty and gross. I don’t think you want to touch me right now.”

  He pulled back a bit, looking me over.

  “I can think of a way to fix that.”

  “Really?”

  He nodded slowly and started leading me up the stairs. I followed him to the bathroom in the hall, and once he closed the door, he started pawing at my clothes. I couldn’t help but laugh as he tossed my sweaty T-shirt aside, opening my pants and shoving them down my legs as far as they would go. He turned and flipped on the taps in the huge glass shower while I took care of the rest of my clothes. I’d just stripped off completely when the sound of the front door made us both freeze. Sam looked at his watch and quickly turned the water off.

  “Shit! It must be Maya. I forgot she said that she wasn’t going to Kelsey’s today. You have to get dressed. Right now!” The panic in his words was clear as day.

  “Sam, I’m—”

  He shushed me before I could say anymore, and I took the hint. Scrambling to get myself together, I tried to be as quiet as possible. Sam’s face was ashen, and I could tell he was freaking out. He whispered almost right in my ear before he disappeared.

  “Wait here. Don’t make a sound.”

  I heard him run down the stairs, and then I heard their voices. I was glad I’d parked my car on the street. Hopefully, Maya hadn’t noticed it when she got off the bus. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and the dread hit me square in the stomach. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Casual hookups weren’t supposed to be this complicated.

  I heard Sam’s and Maya’s voices getting louder, and I cowered in the corner, as if they could see me through the door. I listened intently, trying to make out what was going on. My heart pounded in my chest, and I attempted a deep breath, but it was no use. After the sound of a door closing, Sam reappeared, a scowl on his face. He grabbed my wrist without a word and yanked me down the stairs. My elbow bumped the wall and he glared at me, the noise like thunder in the quiet house.

  He turned the knob to the front door gingerly and then shoved me outside.

  “Sam, I’m….”

  The door closed in my face before I could say anything more. I stood, stunned for a few moments, my eyes fixed on the door, waiting for it to reopen, for him to come back. But it quickly became clear that wasn’t going to happen. In an instant, anger washed through me and I raised my hand to knock. When he opened the door, I could unleash on him, causing a scene that wouldn’t easily be forgiven or forgotten. It was one thing to keep me a secret; it was another thing to treat me like shit.

  It would be the perfect way to end things, to nip whatever was happening with us in the bud. There’d be no coming back from it. It would be a more spectacular fuckup than anything I’d ever done before, one for the books. I curled my hand into a fist but got no further.

  The truth hit me like a sucker punch to the stomach. I didn’t want to blow things up with Sam. Not really. Sure, I was angry but more than that, worse than that, I was hurt. And embarrassed. Sam was more afraid of letting Maya know I was even in his house than he was of hurting me. Lowering my arm, I turned away from Sam’s, my whole body tense.

  I felt lower than I had in a long time. The walk to my car felt more like a walk of shame than any I’d taken before, even though nothing had happened. As I pulled out of the cul-de-sac and stopped at the traffic light, my phone buzzed. I looked at the screen and saw Sam’s name. I thought of not answering, but I pressed Accept anyway.

  “Hello?”

  “Wes, I’m so sorry.”

  I sighed, hoping he didn’t hear it. I was in no mood to make him feel better. But I knew if I didn’t let him off the hook, I’d just feel worse.

  “It’s okay, Sam. I understand.”

  “You do?”

  “Of course.”

  At that moment, the last thing on earth I wanted to do was talk about what had just happened. There was silence on the line and I was desperate to hang up, but I was sure he wasn’t done with the conversation.

  “I can’t believe I forgot Maya was coming home on time today. If I’d remembered, I never would have invited you upstairs,” he said, matter-of-factly.

  “I told you, it’s okay. Really, Sam, it’s fine.”

  Even as I said it, I could feel another wave of anger wash over me that I wasn’t expecting. I really had no reason to be mad, but I was. I just didn’t want Sam to know that.

  “Thanks for being so cool about this,” he said.

  He let out a breath, the relief so clear in his voice.

  “No problem, man.” I kept my tone light, even as my stomach clenched.

  “I promise, next time I won’t leave you hanging. That was very rude of me.”

  He laughed, but I couldn’t bring myself to join him. The light changed, and I slowly eased my foot off the brake. I didn’t want to think about the next time I’d see Sam, but I knew there was still work to be done. So I focused on that.

  “We still on for next week, for me to finish up the basement I mean?”

  I heard him clear his throat and stutter a bit before he got the words out.

  “Um, well, yeah, sure. How about we stick with our usual routine and go with Wednesday?”

  I hesitated, knowing that I should make him pick another day. Any other day but that Wednesday. I had planned to spend that day hiding from the whole world. But I decided to stuff the past aside and treat it like any other day. Probably for the best anyway.

  “Sounds good. I’ll talk to you then.”

  I hung up on him before anything else could be said. When I went to his place next time, I wasn’t going to give in. I wouldn’t let him get me into bed. I would keep things professional.

  CHAPTER 13

  WHEN WEDNESDAY came around again, I was never more thankful to find a house empty upon my arrival. There was another note from Sam, with the instructions for the last of the basement cleanup. There was also another apology for what happened when Maya had come home, which I skimmed but didn’t really take in. We hadn’t exchanged a word since last week, and the last thing I wanted to do was relive it. I’d done enough of that when my mind wandered. For a week, all I could think abo
ut was Sam and the possibility that I’d actually let myself fall for him. I tried to rationalize it all away, but it got clearer and clearer every day. I liked the guy. Really liked him. The mere idea scared me to death.

  When I got to Sam’s, I worked with single-minded focus, desperate to be done before there was a chance Sam would show up. I didn’t stop to eat or even take much of a break. As I dropped the last trash bags on the curb, I let out a sigh of relief. Sam’s basement was finally finished. Which meant we would be too. After washing my hands, I set Sam’s key on the counter and made sure the door locked behind me. I got in my car and put it into reverse to leave, when I saw Sam’s SUV appear behind me. Trapped, I sighed and put the car back in park. So much for my best-laid plans. As I got out of the car, Sam smiled at me, but it was difficult to return.

  “Hey, I didn’t think you’d be done so soon,” he said.

  I shrugged, having a hard time looking him in the eye.

  “Yeah, well, things moved a lot faster than I expected.”

  “So, it’s all done, then?” he asked.

  I nodded, shoving my hands in my jean pockets. He stepped closer to me and I moved aside so he could get to his front door. But he stopped.

  “Why don’t you come in and I’ll get you your check?”

  There was no reason for me to refuse, so I followed him, keeping a safe distance in case he thought of ambushing me with a kiss or something. I stood near the door while Sam scribbled out my payment and tore the check from the book. He held it out to me and I reached for it, but he grabbed my wrist and pulled me close instead. I retreated immediately, not wanting a repeat of the other day.

  “Don’t, Sam.”

  “Why not?”

  He tried again to get me in his arms, but I resisted.

  “I don’t know. I just don’t want you to, okay?”

  Sam put his hands up in surrender and backed away.

  “Okay.”

  We stood silently and looked at each other for a while, before Sam cleared his throat.

  “You’re still mad at me about the other day, aren’t you?”

  I shook my head in objection.

  “No, I’m not still mad.”

  “But, you were mad, weren’t you?”

  I couldn’t stop a laugh from coming out of my mouth. I really didn’t want to deal with it, but it looked like I had no choice.

  “Jesus, what do you expect me to say here? That I liked being thrown out of your house?”

  “Look, I’m sorry it happened the way it did.”

  “But you’re not sorry it happened,” I said with a bit of an edge to my voice.

  He opened his mouth but hesitated. I’d caught him and he knew it.

  “What else could I have done?”

  I looked at the ceiling and tried to keep calm. Refusing to get worked up, I measured my words carefully.

  “Oh, I don’t know. Have me sneak back to the basement and act like I was here to work. Which I was. That could have solved the problem better than making me skulk away like a criminal.”

  His face fell, and I could tell the thought had never even occurred to him. I took the check from his hand and moved to the door.

  “I’m sorry, Wes.”

  “Yeah, I know. And, like I said, it’s fine. But I have to go, okay?”

  I didn’t get very far before he stopped me, pressing me against the door with his body. He kissed me before I could stop him, clearly not giving up.

  “I meant what I said, Wes. I’m sorry,” he said, his lips just a few inches from mine.

  As gently as I could, I pushed him back and tried again to get away.

  “I know. And I meant it when I said it’s okay. But I can’t deal with this today.”

  “Why not?”

  “I just can’t.”

  Sam seemed to relent and backed away from me. I sighed with relief, not caring how it sounded to him. I turned and opened the door when he spoke again.

  “If you want to talk about it, I’m happy to listen.”

  I smiled, but it didn’t last long.

  “That’s okay, Sam. We don’t have to do that.”

  Sam reached for my hand and I let him take it, even though I knew I shouldn’t.

  “It’s okay, Wes. We’re friends, remember? Friends can talk to each other. Especially when they really need to.”

  I shook my head at his twisting of my words, not willing to let him get the upper hand.

  “Not about this,” I said, shaking my head.

  “Okay, then maybe we don’t talk. But how about I help you take your mind off whatever’s bothering you. I’m pretty good at that too,” he said.

  I laughed and pulled my hand back. I appreciated the effort Sam was making, but it didn’t change anything.

  “I really have to go. Maybe another time, okay?”

  That seemed to make him give up, finally.

  “If you’re sure,” he asked.

  “I’m sure.”

  “Okay.”

  My feet hit the front porch and I stopped. I felt like I owed him something, a least a bit of an apology of my own.

  “I’m sorry if you were expecting more today, Sam.”

  “Don’t be. I mean, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t spend all morning thinking about you. I rushed through my work so I could get here to see you.”

  He joined me outside, but we didn’t stay there for long. I let him pull me back inside. My thoughts of leaving were slowly being replaced by a vision of myself in Sam’s arms. It was stupid; it was the last thing I needed. Which made it exactly what I wanted. What was another mistake on top of all the other ones I’d made lately?

  “Well, when you put it like that,” I said, my fight leaving me.

  I wrapped my arms around his back and kicked the door closed.

  “Does that mean you’ve changed your mind, Wes?”

  I nodded and let my lips touch his. The pain of what the day meant, the weight that had been hanging around my neck seemed to disappear. Maybe an escape was exactly what I needed. That seemed fair. And very logical.

  “What can I say? You convinced me, Sam.”

  “Well, I’m a pretty persuasive guy.”

  “I’ll say.”

  I STARED at the ceiling of Sam’s bedroom, the sheets tangled in a mess. His arm was draped over my chest, his face nuzzled against my neck, his leg over mine. Sweat still clung to my skin, things between us slowly cooling down. My mind was quiet for the first time all day, at least for the moment. I knew that, soon, the questions would start swirling again, and the guilt at what I’d just done would creep back in, but I tried to keep it at bay as long as I could. I felt his lips run along my skin and my stomach clenched.

  “That was amazing, Wes.”

  I never knew what to say in response to words like that. Saying them back always felt disingenuous, but saying something glib seemed silly.

  “Yeah, it really was,” I said as sincerely as I could.

  He pulled back and propped himself on his elbow, looking at me.

  “So, you glad you stayed?”

  “Absolutely.” I took a quick glance at the clock and saw the time, a kick of panic making me sit up. “Shit. I didn’t realize it was so late. I should go before Maya gets home.”

  He laughed, easing me back to the mattress.

  “She’ll be at Daniel’s place until six. She thinks I’m still at work. I made sure.” He waggled his eyebrows and my pulse slowed a bit. “So, that means you can relax. We have the rest of the afternoon.”

  “Oh, okay.”

  Sam pulled me close again, his breath hot on my skin, the vibrations of his laughter tickling me.

  “Don’t sound so thrilled, Wes.”

  “I didn’t mean it to sound that way,” I said, still a bit edgy.

  He looked in my eyes, and I felt another surge of adrenaline but for a completely different reason. I was still reeling from my revelation that I might actually have feelings for Sam. At that moment, in his arms,
in his bed, it was really hard to remember that he didn’t want anything more. But he didn’t. I kept repeating that to myself. Plus, I told myself that I could like Sam, but that didn’t mean I had to act on the feeling.

  “I’m just messing with you, man,” he said coolly.

  “I know.”

  He stared at me for a long moment, and I was once again overcome with a desire to talk to him, to open up. Thankfully, he spoke first and gave me a chance to rein it in.

  “You thirsty?”

  “Yeah, actually. A drink would be nice,” I said.

  “Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be right back.”

  I closed my eyes and tried to picture a conversation with Sam where I told him I liked him, that I wanted more than just a friends-with-benefits arrangement. In every scenario I ran through, the talk ended in disaster. It could never work. Even if we managed to get past all my bullshit, how on earth would he ever be able to explain me to Maya? Come to that, how would I explain it to Daniel, Tina, and Kelsey? The stakes were way too high to even consider taking things any further. I knew, intellectually, the feelings would pass. They always had before. I just had to wait it out and not let myself get carried away. I heard Sam return and sat up, shaking the delusions of happily ever after from my mind. I took the glass and drank most of it in one gulp.

  “Thanks,” I said.

  “My pleasure.”

  He looked at me as I sipped the rest of my water, and I started to feel uncomfortable.

  “What’s up, Sam?”

  “Nothing. I was just admiring your pretty face.”

  I elbowed him gently in the ribs.

  “Thanks, I guess.”

  He drank from his glass and cleared his throat.

  “Actually, I was wondering if you changed your mind about wanting to talk. I meant what I said before. Whatever is bothering you, I’m here if you want to talk about it.”

  I looked into his eyes, so lovely and kind. I desperately wanted to confess. There was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to tell him what was going on with me, why it was such a bad day. It wouldn’t be that hard. If anyone would understand, Sam would. It was something I hadn’t even shared with Nick. How could I possibly tell a guy who wanted to keep things casual something I thought too intense for a boyfriend to hear?