MisStaked

by J. Morgan

  Breathred didn't even struggle when Leopold handed him off to Lewis. There was no need to fight it. He had to trust D'brea had reached Luna and had something planned to help. He hadn't seen her in almost an hour, so could only assume she was with them. If not, he was on his own and didn't like the thought. Didn't like it at all.

  Lewis made short work of tying him up. Once he was deposited on the floor, they set to work on removing D'brea's body from the sarcophagus. Despite his reluctance to their tampering, Breathred was glad to see Jessica was overseeing the project. Somehow he doubted D'brea would appreciate a broken body when she made it back.

  "Damn right, I won't,” D'brea whispered in his ear.

  Breathred mumbled something understandably incoherent through the gag.

  "Shut up. It's not like I can hear you through that piece of rag,” she ordered.

  He continued to mumble. “Blubby whubber rrr doo?"

  "Bit daft, aren't you? They can't see me. I'm invisible. I had to come back and reconnect with my body. I was beginning to feel lost."

  "Whubber rrrr du udders?"

  "They're outside waiting for you to come out. Brogan has a plan. Don't worry, we'll have you free in a jiffy. Now, be quiet. The young one's looking over here. I have to go."

  Breathred turned his head to see Lewis was giving him a strange look. The vampire's reaction didn't surprise him. If he were looking at himself, he'd be giving himself a strange look, too.

  They had removed the body from the sarcophagus while he had been talking to D'brea. Jessica was already wrapping the body for transport. Doing a good job of it, too. He'd forgotten she'd spent two years studying ancient burial techniques. When Easily was finished, D'brea's body could survive just about anything. Breathred smiled when he saw her do a secondary wrap with waterproof cloth to end the job. Jessica might be a low down dirty traitor, but she knew how to treat antiquities.

  Jessica wiped a sheen of sweat from her brow. “All finished, Leopold. The body is ready for transport."

  "Good. Then let's head ‘em up and move ‘em out. I always wanted to say that.” Leopold beamed.

  "Leopold, what about them?” Lewis pointed to Dr. Grayson and Truehart.

  "Leave them, as they are. No sense carrying around anymore dead weight than we need to."

  "What about Petrifunck?” Jessica asked.

  Leopold dismissed her question with a wave of his hand. Instead, he walked over to Breathred. Bending down, he pulled Breathred's head up by his chin.

  "You will be a good boy. Won't you? I have to untie your legs so you can walk. Just understand, it doesn't give you license to run away or play the hero. I'm going to pull this dreadful gag out of your mouth, so you can answer."

  "You won't get away with this,” Breathred said.

  "I feel it redundant to say I already have, but I have. So there,” Leopold mocked, adding an uncharacteristic raspberry to his statement. “Your friends are tied up. There is no one else to stop me."

  "D'brea will stop you."

  "And who is this new figment of your imagination?"

  "If you don't know, I pity you, because you're more ignorant than I thought you were.” Breathred looked for some sign D'brea was still around but the woman was nowhere to be found.

  "Ew! Lewis, tie his hands behind his back and put the gag back in. I will not be called ignorant by a virgin,” Leopold ordered, drawing a giggle from Jessica. “You stow it before I have Lewis gag you, as well. Virgin smack is bad enough without having to take it from the vindictive slut contingent."

  "Bastard!” Jessica shouted.

  "Bitch!"

  "Oh, I am sorry to have offended you with my name calling,” Jessica said in a sickeningly sweet voice. “Sometimes I forget what kind of man you are."

  "That's more like it."

  "What I meant to have said was DRIED UP OLD BITCH!” she shot back with a furious howl.

  Leopold dabbed his nose with a purple handkerchief. “We do know the scent of our own kind, don't we?"

  "Kiss my ass."

  "It's not like I couldn't find it in the dark.” Leopold laughed.

  "Are you saying I have a big butt?” Jessica fumed.

  Leopold did a passable rendition of the Cabbage Batch. “And I cannot lie."

  "People, aren't we forgetting a little something, like getting out of here?” Lewis intervened. “And stop doing that, Leo, my man. You're making me regret giving you a copy of Monster Booty for your birthday."

  Leopold turned on Lewis with his fangs bared. Breathred took a nervous step back, glad he was standing behind the younger vampire. He kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, hoping the two vamps would take each other out, saving his friends from having to rescue him.

  "Lewis, you are quite correct,” Leopold said, retracting his fangs.

  "Glad, you noticed.” Lewis smiled.

  "Don't get all smug. You're still lugging the Mother out of here. Easily, if you would take please keep Breathred in hand, I think we can depart."

  Breathred couldn't help but notice the evil smile play over the woman's face. He still couldn't understand why she would betray them to Leopold. Breathred knew she could be domineering at times, but this went way beyond being cranky or bossy. A rough shove ended his confusing thoughts. They were off.

  Breathred hoped he would have time to talk to her. Maybe, he would have an opportunity to speak with her before they got around to killing him. Breathred did so hate to have people mad at him. If he actually was going to die, he hated to think he would die without giving her a chance to get what was bothering her off her chest. He was stupid like that.

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  Fifty

  Boffrend's accepts no responsibility for any wrongful death suits your career as a vampire hunter may bring about.

  Exiting the tomb, Leopold flinched, as the first snowflake hit him. He turned around to make some comment on the event to Lewis. Remembering his fellow vampire was burdened with the Mother, Leo grumpily clamped his mouth shut. Why was everyone busy when he felt the need to rant? He could have told Ms. Easily about the matter, but the thought of putting up with another of the woman's verbal barrages was more than he could stand.

  Instead, he would store the comment for later discussion. It was a long trip back to Seattle and would need something to talk about to break the monotony of his brooding. Over the course of his life, Leopold had discovered being broody on long trips was the best way to avoid unwanted conversation. If he managed it right, he could get what he wanted to say out, then make some stray remark from Lewis appear more dire than it was and bypass any of Lewis’ bland reminiscing of the good old days when pimps were pimps and women could bring in enough to afford the finer things in life, like gold lame and crystal pumps.

  Leopold pointedly ignored the grunts that announced Lewis exiting the tomb. If he couldn't talk about those things he wished to, the vampire saw no need to speak to the man at all. He wasn't being petty. He was just being practical. Besides, conversation might distract Lewis from the job at hand. All they needed was for the clumsy oaf to drop the Mother in a pile of snow because the younger vampire couldn't listen and walk at the same time.

  Perhaps he should have had Petrifunck assist dear Lewis. No, it would be too risky. Petrifunck was obviously unbalanced. It was the only explanation for the man's outrageous claims about talking to the Mother. The very idea the Mother would converse with a lowly human was ludicrous. Leopold was certain someone as powerful as the Mother would only talk to well-dressed people of discernable breeding who shopped at only the finer upscale establishments. Neiman Marcus sprang to mind, but he wasn't one to drop names willy-nilly.

  Leopold topped the mound of the dig that had, until recently, covered the tomb. The flurries were flying even harder above the tomb. He flipped up the collar on his jacket, hoping it would ward off the majority of the icy flakes. Leopold moved away from the edge before he was enlisted by Lewis to aid him in his extraction from the gaping hole
. Propriety dictated he remain aloof from such menial endeavors. To that end, the vampire stared blissfully at the sky until he heard his party stagger to rest beside him.

  As Leopold opened his mouth say something particularly snide, Brogan launched his attack. The first snowball struck Leopold full in the chest. The second one caught him in the face. The stinging projectiles sent him sailing back into the other three. He screeched, as three more snowballs slashed into him on his downward descent.

  "I have been violated by Frosty the Snowman,” he howled, frantically wiping snow from his face and chest.

  "That's right Buster! If you don't want to meet his throbbing icicle, hand over Breathred,” Stud shouted from the darkness.

  "Don't forget about me,” D'brea whispered in Stud's ear.

  "Yeah, and the moldy corpse, too."

  "You really are an unpleasant little creature. Do you realize that?"

  "I call ‘em like I see ‘em, Sugar Dumpling."

  "You two, shut the hell up,” Brogan hissed from across the cluttered area.

  "If you humans are through, I feel it incumbent to inform you the virgin is mine.” Leopold grabbed Breathred by the neck and dragged him in front of himself. “I also feel it relevant to tell you if another snowball so much as grazes my person, I will rip his head clean from his shoulders."

  "You're bluffing.” Stud jumped from his hiding place with a snowball in hand.

  "Ah, the monkey.” Leopold jerked Breathred's head back sharply, revealing his pulsating jugular. “Try me."

  "Stud!” Luna screamed from where she sat beside Brogan.

  "Look, Vampy. All we want is Breathred,” Brogan said, before things got any worse.

  "Well, you can't have him. He's my virgin and I'm keeping him,” Leopold ranted.

  Luna jumped from cover. “He's my boyfriend and I want him back, now!"

  "If he wanted you, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Now, would we?” Leopold asked. “Perhaps he wouldn't be a virgin, if you actually had something he wanted."

  Leopold inched further behind Breathred as Luna took a step toward them. Not that he was afraid, but the girl did look quite upset, so no need to take chances. The Canadian reached for her, but she swept away his arm, the force of the blow staggering him back. Leopold wasn't sure but thought girls her size weren't supposed to toss men around like that, unless Canadians weren't as tough as their reputations reputed.

  He was about to point the observation out when he noticed the girl didn't look quite right. She didn't even look human, to be perfectly honest. Leopold was ready to think an outbreak of the premenstrual syndrome affected the women in the area when it dawned on him perhaps the girl wasn't human to begin with. Hair growing everywhere suddenly was a dead giveaway. After a few minutes she looked nothing close to human. The girl was something different. If anything, she looked like a giant Schnauzer.

  At least he wasn't the only one shocked. Breathred ceased struggling to get away. Leopold guessed the virgin was in shock after seeing his girlfriend turning into a Great Dane. The boy shouldn't be all too surprised. Leopold hadn't known her all that long and had already figured out she was a bitch. Now the outside just matched the inside.

  Leopold was old enough to know what he was seeing. He had never seen one before, but this creature could only be a Dushato. While vampires were children of the spirit world, the Dushato were creatures of the earth. That being the case, the two races had been sworn enemies since time began, or for as long as he knew. The vampire had long thought the creatures were nothing more than a myth the elders used to frighten newly-dead vampires. Seeing this one, he knew his assumptions were not the case.

  The Dushato's existence was not as shocking as who the Dushato was. The girl had hidden her origin well. Leopold had never suspected. As the girl approached, he tried to remember the Dushato's weaknesses. He couldn't think of any off hand, at least none that didn't mirror his own. They really were opposite sides of the same coin. If it might kill her, he knew it would surely kill him. It was the main reason why the two peoples tended to avoid each other. Avoided each other so well Leopold hadn't even seen one in his three hundred some-odd years of existence. Well, he was making up for the slight now, wasn't he?

  So, what should he do about it? He wasn't about to hand Petrifunck over to her. Virgins were hard to come by, and you didn't go throwing them away once you got one. It was like throwing out the chamberpot before the indoor plumbing was hooked up.

  "Vampire, let my man go,” Luna growled.

  Leopold could only watch as she made her way toward him with slow and measured steps, every muscle tensed and ready.

  Leopold, like Breathred, was slow to realize he no longer had a hand on the man in question. The vampire hastily reached out and grabbed Breathred, before the man could run off.

  "Why is the big doggie talking with Luna's voice?” Breathred asked, but Leopold chose to ignore him. He had bigger problems to deal with at the moment than a confused virgin.

  "I don't think so, Dushato,” Leopold said, regaining some of the confidence he had lost upon seeing her transformation.

  "Give him to me before I rip you apart.” Luna snarled. “Blood Drinker, you're holding my mate. Do you have any idea who you're dealing with? I'm a child of Coyote, not some pampered Pomeranian. Give me what I want or by God you will die."

  "Nothing has changed. If you try to take him, I will kill him,” Leopold stated, his voice telling her he wasn't lying.

  Leopold watched the Dushato stop in mid-step, turning her nose into the air. He could tell she was sniffing for some sign of deceit on his part. Well she'd find none. He'd kill the virgin here and now, his finely decorated room be damned. She wouldn't risk the life of her mate with a foolish bid at saving him, especially if the attack meant his death. The scent of her frustration filled the air between them. Leopold smiled as her head snapped up and she let loose a howl that shook the entire clearing. When its last echoes faded into the night, she sank to the ground.

  "Hey, I think that doggie is Luna!” Breathred exclaimed.

  "Ya think?” Lewis said, right next to him. “Leopold, I didn't sign up to fight no werewolf. You de bad-ass. I'll be the chicken-shit in back. You can be the goofy white guy in front. Acting as the shield, dig?"

  Brogan ran up to the girl, a look of surprise on his face. “Look, Darlin'. This werewolf thing you got going is impressive, but the vamps ain't buying."

  "Yes, Girlie. We ain't buying, so peddle your doggie Avon somewhere else,” Leopold yelled.

  "We can't just let them take Breathred,” Luna growled.

  "Babe, you ain't in no shape to take them on and if we try they're holding all the cards. Do you want to see Breathred get killed?"

  "No!"

  "Then we got to let them walk. They'll slip up, I promise and we'll be there to kick their ass."

  Leopold listened intently while the two finished the rest of the conversation in hushed whispers, growing irritated he could not make out a damn thing they were saying. The virgin was getting twitchy, which made it all the more harder to concentrate. Finally, the vampire just gave up. The Canadian was right. He was holding all the cards. The only thing they could do was let them go. All Leopold had to do was wait for them to come to their senses and realize it.

  "Okay, Snaggletooth. Walk,” Brogan shouted.

  "Finally, a voice of reason in this motley crew.” Leopold applauded.

  "It doesn't mean I like it, Bub,” Brogan snarled.

  "I'm sure you don't but there isn't a lot you can do about it. Kindly, put a leash on your little dog, so we can get about our business."

  * * * *

  Luna growled, but her heart wasn't in it. She lifted her head toward Breathred. A soft whine issued from her trembling snout. Breathred pulled Leopold to a stop just short of her. With the vampire's hand gripping his arm, Breathred fell to his knees and reached out and gently stroked her tousled head.

  Luna looked up into his smiling face. “Don't
look at me, Breathred. I didn't want you to see me like this."

  "You're a doggie."

  "I know what you must think. You hate me, don't you?” She broke down into a sobbing wreck.

  "I like doggies,” Breathred swore. “But I love you."

  "You do?” she asked, not believing her ears. She lifted her head until their eyes met. All she could see was love staring back at her. “But I should have told you."

  Breathred stroked her tear-soaked cheek. “Yeah, but if you can put up with me, my weirdness—and let's not forget Stud—who am I to get all crazy just because you're a dog?"

  "Werewolf."

  "You're a werewolf? I thought you were a dog."

  "Does what I am change anything?"

  "Do I have to sniff your butt?” Breathred asked, a look of horror on his face.

  "Not, if you don't want to."

  "Then, I'm okay."

  Before she could say anything else Breathred reached over and kissed her on the end of her muzzle, letting out a giggle. “The prickly hair tickles my lips. It's sorta like kissing my Aunt Sue, only you're not my Aunt Sue.” He grinned.

  Leopold jerked him away, ending the moment. “Stop that! I will not have my virgin consorting with animals in my presence. What will the neighbors say?"

  "Breathred!” Luna howled, as Leopold dragged him away.

  "Down Fido,” Jessica laughed, stopping just outside of her reach.

  "Bitch!"

  "Well, if that ain't the pot calling the kettle black."

  Luna lunged at her but the woman dodged easily out of her way. Before she could make another try, Easily took off sprinting after Leopold and the rest of her party. Luna fell back to the ground. Her paws pounded the ground in frustration, sending up a spray of snow and chunks of frozen earth.

  "Don't worry, Luna. We'll get him back,” Brogan said.

  She appreciated the fact he was trying to console her but it wasn't helping. “How can you be so positive? They've won. They have Breathred and D'brea's body."