MisStaked

by J. Morgan

  "They might have won the battle, but the war ain't over with yet,” Brogan assured her.

  "Yeah, yeah, but we got another little problem,” D'brea said.

  Brogan and Luna turned around to see Stud standing alone in the center of the clearing. They looked around for the ghost but couldn't find her. They had almost given up, when Stud began to speak.

  "Looks, like I've reached the edge of how far I can stay away from my body. Lucky for me, the chimp was nearby,” Stud said calmly, using D'brea's voice.

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  Fifty One

  After doing this for a while, you'll realize there are just some things you don't want to know, or have to see.

  "What's the matter? Never seen a woman in drag before?” D'brea/Stud said, as she hiked up her leg to scratch his butt.

  "Stud?” Luna asked, the words sounding more human. The wolf side of her nature was giving way to the human. She didn't know if the shift in the status quo was a good thing, but was grateful for it. She couldn't prove it, but swore she was catching fleas from being close to Stud.

  "He's in here somewhere, but damned if I know where,” D'brea answered, flippantly.

  "Don't listen to the crazy-ass bitch! She's got me chained up in here,” Stud's voice shouted from the other side of his mouth.

  "Shut up, you monkey! It was either this or I went back in my body,” D'brea told the chimp, which was weird because the two voices started fighting.

  Two voices shouting at each other from the same mouth was a little more than Luna could take. “Both of you shut up."

  The chimp's body snapped to attention.

  "Now, D'brea. What have you done to Stud?” Luna demanded. “And Stud be quiet. I want to hear this from her, not you."

  "Don't get all snippy. Do you think I'd do this, if I didn't have to? I felt my spirit slipping away. For a second I got scared. Then, something you or Breathred said, I can't remember which, got me to thinking. Maybe I could jump into another body,” D'brea explained.

  "Why not just go back to your own?” Brogan asked.

  "You saw those goof-balls. Would you want to go with them? Besides, I thought if I was in somebody else, they might not be able to bring my body back."

  "But, why me?” Stud interrupted her.

  "You were closest. I didn't have much time to think about it. I just did it. It wasn't like you weren't thinking about getting in my pants. I just went one better."

  Luna's thoughts kept going out to Breathred. Every minute they stayed here, the vampires were carrying him further away. Who knew what they were doing to him? “So, what do we do now?"

  "We follow them,” Brogan said.

  "In this storm that won't be easy."

  "Well, I can do something about the storm,” D'brea replied.

  "What do you mean?” Brogan snapped.

  "I did start it after all. Even in this body, all I have to do is snap my fingers and poof no more storm,” Stud's face smiled. “See?"

  True to her words, she snapped Stud's fingers and the snow stopped.

  "Can you do anything about the radio interference?” Brogan prompted.

  "Sure thing,” she said with another snap of Stud's fingers.

  Brogan didn't even wait for her reply. He ran straight to the radio tent with the rest of them following close behind. He dashed over to the radio and clicked on the handset. It buzzed to life in his hand. Finally, Luna was happy to see something was going right.

  "Agent Brogan, report. Again, report. Over,” a voice crackled over the long-dead line.

  He winked at Luna. “HQ this is Brogan. Over."

  "Good. Thought we'd lost you there. Received unconfirmed report from Eh Ya Campgrounds about vampire invasion. Can you confirm?” the voice demanded.

  "Report, affirmative. We have vampire contact.” Brogan waved the others away from the radio, as they huddled around him.

  "Do you have coordinates of hostiles? Repeat, send coordinates for immediate wet work,” the voice crackled.

  "Negative, hostiles have bugged out. Over."

  The voice on the other end paused. Luna felt like grabbing the handset from Brogan and banging the receiver against the table. She noticed he wasn't too happy with his bosses either. His fingers were digging grooves into the thin plastic. She hoped he remembered the radio was their only way out of this.

  "Affirmative on hostile location. Anything else? Over,” the voice finally said.

  Brogan gave her a thumb's up. “Need ETA on extraction."

  Luna wasn't stupid. She knew as well as he did CAPP SAT probably didn't have anything close to them. Unless Elvis came waltzing in here on a UFO in the next twenty minutes, they would lose any chance they had of gaining on the vamps and Breathred.

  "We're looking at a thirty minute window,” the voice stated.

  "If that's the best you can do, we'll be waiting. Over.” Brogan slammed the receiver on the table.

  "We'll never catch them,” Luna moaned.

  "Sure we will, Darlin'. You heard Leopold. They won't do anything until they get back to Seattle. We'll get him back. I promise."

  "That's right, sugar,” D'brea/Stud said, wrapping his arm around her neck. “Those goobers didn't look like they could blow their noses, let alone bring me back. They probably can't even prick his finger without an owner's manual to tell them how."

  "Hell yeah, Luna! We're going to kick their blood-sucking butts,” the Stud half chimed in, drowning out D'brea.

  "You really, think so?” Luna wanted to believe, but the odds were against them. She wasn't a fool. If they didn't catch the vamps, Breathred stood a good chance of dying. She just had to have faith.

  "You have my word on it,” Brogan assured her.

  She looked up and gave him a tearful, silent thank you.

  "Hey I just thought of something!” D'brea exclaimed.

  "Don't tell me, you've figured out a way to get to them before the extraction team gets here,” Brogan said, hopefully.

  "No, I got a weenie. I always wondered what it'd be like to have one of those.” D'brea pulled out on the elastic of Stud's pants to peek below. After a confused minute, she looked up with a strange look on Stud's face.

  "What is it?” Luna giggled at the face she was making.

  "Somehow, I hoped it would be bigger than this."

  "Bet you aren't the only one,” Brogan laughed, evoking a round of laughter that erased their fears for a moment or two.

  * * * *

  The dented U-Haul pulled out onto the highway and headed south. It was a little after two in the morning. Lewis eased the pedal to the floor and shifted the truck into a grinding fifth gear. The vehicle lurched and took off, throwing up a spray of cold gravel in its wake.

  In the back of the moving van, Breathred and Jessica were being thrown around. He had long become tired of Jessica's constant griping. If he were her, he'd be glad to ride in back. Breathred might like D'brea, but the idea of sitting beside her mummified corpse while it rode shotgun in the front gave him the willies.

  Breathred took the tumbles in stride. With his hands tied behind his back, there was little he could do to stop it, anyway. He eased into a corner and watched Easily. Even in the gloomy light of the shaking box, Breathred could tell she was upset.

  He tried to look on the bright side. True, it was hard to find a bright side when you were about to be sacrificed to a dead vampire queen, but Breathred was doing his best. That wasn't exactly true. He was still bothered by the fact Jessica was trying to kill him. She was his friend. Friends didn't try to kill you. They got mad at you and didn't talk to you for a week, but killing you seemed a little harsh.

  He had brooded over the fact ever since they threw him in here. Breathred had been trying to find the right time to broach the subject with her, but her constant grumbling had told him to wait. Considering he didn't have much time left, Breathred wondered how much longer he could afford to sit here being patient. He might not be growing any younger, b
ut it didn't look like he would be getting any older either. So, he might as well try.

  "Jessica, I think we need to talk,” he said, tentatively.

  "About what?"

  "Well, we could start with why you want to kill me and go on from there.” Breathred really didn't think she'd talk to him, but he had to try.

  "Breathred, you are truly clueless,” she said.

  "I might be, but I'd still like to know why you betrayed us to Leopold.” When it came to women, he was clueless. Maybe, he could get a book that would explain it all to him.

  "Because, you thick Gomer, you jilted me,” she shouted into his face.

  "I did?"

  "Damn, right you did. Not once, but twice,” Jessica spat.

  "Are you sure? I don't remember doing it.” Breathred was sure he had never jilted anyone. You had to have a girlfriend to do that. So, unless he forgot having one besides Luna, he couldn't have.

  "Thirteen years ago we were dating, and just when I thought we might have a future together, you up and disappear. Does that jog your memory?” Jessica demanded.

  "We never dated. Sure, we had some classes together, studied together and went on a couple field trips, but never during the entire time did we date.” Breathred was more than a little shocked she would read so much into those innocent things.

  "That was dating, you moron. We passed notes in class. You told me I was the best after I helped you pass the Ancient Civilizations final. We held hands on the bus trip to Alexandria. If that's not dating, I don't know what dating is."

  "It's not dating. We were friends and that was all. The only reason we held hands on the trip was because I was throwing up the whole way, and you didn't want any on your shoes, so you made sure I was an arm's length away from you in case of over-spray."

  "Hey, you're right. You ruined a brand new pair of loafers. Man, the things you forget. I loved those shoes. They were pink with yellow striping across the toe. I don't know what you ate, but it burned the protective coating off those shoes."

  "Uh, Jessica can we get back to the killing me part of this conversation?” Breathred finally asked, after having to listen to a ten-minute flashback about parachute pants and fishnet vests.

  "Oh, yeah. So, we really didn't date. Why did I think we did?"

  "It might have been the fact you did date my roommate, Carl, for three months until he graduated and went to Prague."

  "That's right, we did. Man, talk about being wrong about a guy. He was such a butt,” Jessica said, thoughtfully.

  "So, does it mean we're friends again, and you'll help me get away?"

  "Of course you silly man, we're friends,” Jessica reached over and ruffling his hair.

  Breathred breathed a sigh of relief. “Good, I was afraid you were going to go through with this."

  "But I am going through with it."

  "How can you?"

  "Be reasonable. I'm almost forty. Things are beginning to sag. This could be the only chance I have to stop the ravages of aging without having to spend a fortune on plastic surgery. You have to see this from my point of view."

  "Jessica, they're going to kill me!"

  "Don't be a buzz-kill. Look on the bright side. I won't feel a thing.” She smiled.

  "There is no bright side. I'll be too dead to see the bright side!” Breathred shouted, trying to break through to her how serious this situation was. He didn't mind dying for a good ‘cause, but dying for her vanity was not his idea of a good ‘cause.

  Jessica jabbed her finger into his face. “You are such a man. Do you know that? A real man would be more than willing to die so I could be beautiful forever."

  Before Breathred could come back with a snappy retort—not that he had one, but he might have—the truck skidded to a stop, slamming them both into the side of the van. Breathred looked up, his consciousness wavering. A thin ribbon of blood ran into his eye from a deep gash ran the length of his forehead. He struggled to rise, only to fall back, groaning, to the hard metal floor. Blinking the blood from his eyes, he lifted his head to see if Jessica was all right. She might be crazy and trying to kill him, but it was the proper thing to do. His head throbbed from the effort. It took a minute for his vision to clear enough for him to make out anything in the flickering gloom. When the darkness cleared, Jessica was staring back at him a few feet away.

  Her body rested in a huddled mass against the wall adjacent to where he was lying. She was close enough for him to reach out and touch. Breathred thought it strange she could be comfortable with her head twisted around in such an unnatural position. Darkness swept over him, as his vision blurred again. Ah, well it must be a woman thing. Maybe, when he woke up, Jessica could explain to him how she did it. The U-Haul's back door rattled up and he knew no more. By then, it was too late to wonder. Something else was in control.

  [Back to Table of Contents]

  Fifty Two

  If you have a minute, it's time we talked about using protection.

  The helicopter skirted the tree line as it headed south toward America. Luna looked down at the racing landscape, wondering if by some remote chance she might spot Breathred below her. Knowing it was a stupid idea, she kept her eyes glued to the patchwork landscape. The first pink light of false dawn broke through the tinted window. Luna wrapped a blanket around her, as her body returned to its human form. Stud gave her a smug smile and handed her a bag of her clothes they had gathered before leaving the camp.

  Luna sat back in her chair, thoughts of changing the last thing on her mind. Reluctantly turning her face away from the narrow glass of the window, she had to face the fact Leopold must have reached Seattle by now. Despite all Brogan's assurances, they'd lost them. Her poor Breathred could be dead. No, she couldn't think like along those lines. It would have taken Leopold this long to even reach Seattle. He couldn't have done anything yet. If he had, D'brea would have felt something.

  Luna looked over to make sure the possessed chimp wasn't acting funny. The humor of the thought did not escape her, nor did it make her stop looking. She wasn't sure which of the two was in control, but if she had to guess, it had to be D'brea.

  Luna wondered what the woman thought about this new world she had wakened into. She could only imagine what was going through D'brea's mind. All these thoughts accomplished were to unsuccessfully distract her from worrying about Breathred. She didn't delude herself. The fears were still there.

  The door to the helicopter's cockpit whooshed open. Brogan stomped into the back, a hard grimace masking his face. Luna had hoped he would bring back some good news. From the set of his, face her hope had been in vain. She caught him looking her way. He shot her a half-hearted grin, but she didn't read anything into it.

  "Any news?” she asked, when he sat beside her.

  "Yeah, and none of it good. The Mounties found the U-haul abandoned at a small airstrip not far from the dig site. The tower said a plane filed a flight plan for a straight trip to Seattle. CACA contacted all the Seattle airports and, thirty minutes ago, the plane landed at another small airstrip on the outskirts of the city."

  "So, they made just before dawn?” she asked, not really expecting an answer, just trying to work it out in her head.

  "They wouldn't have had time to do anything, Kid. He's safe,” Brogan put his arm around her neck.

  "For the moment. In a little over eight hours though, he's dead meat."

  "Don't think like that. We'll get to him in time.” He swiped a tear from her cheek. “Luna, there's something else, but I don't want to upset you any more than you already are."

  Her heart ran cold. In spite of his assurances Breathred was all right, something in his tone said it wasn't.

  "Shoot,” she said, steeling herself for the worst.

  "They found Easily's body in the back of the van. Her neck had been snapped."

  "Couldn't have happened to a nicer bitch."

  "Luna!"

  "Well, what the hell did you expect me to say? Oh, the poor dear? Nobody de
serves to have something so horrible happen to them? Well, screw her! She betrayed us to Leopold and handed Breathred over to him without a second thought. God knows what she did to Doctor Grayson and Truehart, or did you fail to notice they never came out of the tomb?"

  "Uh, are you talking about those two tightwads that came in with Breathred?” D'brea asked, walking over to them.

  "Do you know what happened to them?” Luna had felt bad for not checking on them earlier, but so much had been happening she had forgotten about them until just now.

  "Well, I might have zombified them, but they're basically all right. To tell you the truth I forgot all about them,” she said.

  "Don't you think you should un-zombie them?” Stud grumbled. “Truehart might be an ass, but Grayson doesn't deserve to be a zombie. If you can't do them both, feel free to leave Truehart."

  "Wait a minute ... Okay, they're awake, but you might want to send somebody to pick them up. The one you call Truehart is freaking out,” D'brea told Brogan.

  "On it.” Brogan hit a button beside his seat, and relayed the message to the cockpit. “They've contained the tomb but somebody will retrieve them as soon as they show."

  "I feel sorry for Doctor Grayson. She thought this would legitimize her research. Not only does she sleep through it, but nobody'll ever find out about it. Will they, Brogan?” Luna asked.

  "Probably not, darling. CAPP SAT will clamp a lid over the whole thing. Once we deal with Leopold, this fiasco will be black-filed. If the doctor tries to publish any of her findings, she'll be painted to look like a loon, if not outright locked away."

  "They can't do that to her!” Luna shouted.

  "They can and they will. What do you think the public would say if they were to find out there really were vampires running around? They'd go nuts and see them behind every shadow. The world functions because the governments have agencies to keep the dark secrets locked away,” he explained. “I might not like it, but I can't change how the game's played."

  * * * *

  It was a somber group that stepped off the helicopter. Brogan's words had set a depressing tone for the rest of the flight home. Brogan instructed the pilot to take them to the same airfield as the one Leopold's plane set down at earlier. A team of investigators were already giving the vampire's plane a thorough going-over.