"I didn't know," she said, sobbing harder. Her words came out in pitiful hiccups. "I thought it was extra and that my pa needed it more than we did." She covered her face with her hands, too ashamed to look at him.
"I see." Carter's sighed. "That's not for you to decide, honey. You know that."
Nalin continued weeping, her face still in her hands.
"Come to me so I can comfort you, Nalin love, or go to bed and cry it out. Those are your two options. I'll not have you standing there bawling in the kitchen a minute more."
Nalin couldn't decide which to do, so she remained in the same place. She felt too unworthy of Carter's comfort to seek his embrace and too devastated not to. Carter strode to her after a couple minutes. He pushed her back into the bent position over the table, tossed up her skirts, and slapped his palm across her flaming behind.
"No, wait! I'll go to bed," she cried.
"Yes, you will. After another spanking."
The swats rained down at a steady pace during his lecture. "That wasn't a suggestion, young lady. I gave you an order to come to me or go to bed. You will listen to my words! You will obey when I speak them. And you'll do so without delay. Disobeying gets you punished. Dawdling also gets you punished. You're to be especially biddable following a spanking, to show me that you've learned something and are of the mind to be obedient going forward. Am I making myself clear enough, or do I need to take off my belt again?"
She reached back with both hands to clutch her bottom. The sting from his slaps after the belting was intense. She hopped from one foot to the other, practically running in place. "It's clear, Carter," she cried. "Please no more."
The swats ceased. He pulled her into an upright position by her shoulders and turned her in the direction of their bedroom. "Now, young lady, you take your dawdling little ass to bed, and think about what you've done. Remember the smarting you feel now in case you're tempted to disobey me in the future." He spanked her one more time. "Git!"
Nalin walked at a quick clip to the room. Once inside, she undressed. Her bottom throbbed. She crawled naked into the bed and lay on her stomach, where she planted her face into the pillow. The soft quilt that covered her felt like sandpaper against her tender posterior. She had never felt so punished or so remorseful.
She hated lying in bed after a spanking without first receiving Carter's comfort. She felt unsettled. A sad thought struck her. It was unlikely Carter would take her to the suffrage convention in Dallas. If he was worried about affording food, he wouldn't be willing to pay for hotels. The familiar feeling of failure came over her, giving her a new reason to cry. Again she had failed as a wife. Again she would fail as a suffragette. She didn't know how much time passed before she was finally able to stop crying. It was pitch black in the room. Carter hadn't come to bed, and she was sure it was quite late.
Hissing as she maneuvered to the edge of the bed and her bottom came in contact with bedding, she stood and pulled a nightdress over her head. She opened the door and peered into the darkness of the cabin's main room. She couldn't see or hear a thing. Nalin felt her way to a lamp and lit it, bringing a soft glow to the room. She looked around. Carter wasn't there.
She found him outside sitting on the porch bench, smoking his pipe. He looked up when she walked out. "Trouble sleeping?"
She nodded. "I didn't mean to betray you, ohpitsa. I mean it when I say I'll never go behind your back again, and I'm sorry I did. I'm sorry to have caused you worry."
"Aw, honey," he said, leaning back in his chair and taking a puff of his pipe. "I know you're sorry. Thank you for saying it. Everything's going to be okay."
"Why haven't you come to bed?"
"I've been doing some figuring in my head, trying to think of how to pay for things. I figured out a way I can still take you to that convention in Dallas."
"No," she said sadly. "Don't worry about it, Carter. I know I don't deserve to go."
Carter patted his leg. "Do you want to try and sit on my lap?"
Nalin wanted nothing more. She sat down gingerly. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his chest. Nalin breathed in his masculine scent combined with cherry tobacco and the soap he used on his face. She immediately felt comforted and loved.
"I believe I've already punished you soundly, haven't I?"
Nalin nodded into his shirt.
"I don't wish to punish you further. I want to make this trip happen. I'm not going to lie, we'll be in debt for a bit. I'll have to use credit to pay for the hotels and to pay my foreman extra while I'm away, but I have a good history with the bank. They'll trust me to pay it off."
"Thank you," she said, touched by her husband's kindness and ashamed that she hadn't done anything to earn it. "It was rotten of me to give my pa money behind your back."
"How did it come about, Nalin?"
She sat up straight so she could look at him. "He said he desperately needed it. He said he was going to get ousted from his room at the hotel and that he hadn't been able to buy food for a week. I took pity on him."
"And you thought he needed three hundred dollars? Do you realize twenty would have solved that problem for him?"
Nalin looked down at her hands. "No. I thought hotels cost a lot more."
Carter took another puff from his pipe. "I've scolded you enough, but I think it bears repeating that you need to consult me about money matters. I'm the man. It's my job to know these things, not yours. When it comes to business, you're at sea." He sounded exasperated. "You don't even know the cost of living."
Nalin continued to stare at her hands. "I won't interfere again. You're right I don't know about business. It's not anything I'd be good at."
"Can you see how confusing it is to me, then, that you insist on fighting for women's equal participation in all things government and business, which are activities best left to men?"
Nalin felt distressed by his words, which she didn't know how to argue against in that moment. She felt bewildered and sad, and she wondered if perhaps he was right. Maybe the women's rights movement was nonsense after all.
Carter seemed to sense her distress, and he pulled her back into his chest. "Forget what I said, Nalin love. I'm just thinking out loud." He redirected the conversation. "You know I don't care much for your father, but I wouldn't let the man starve. You only had to ask. I would have helped him, just like last time, if only for your sake."
"I know, but he didn't want you to know about it. He said it would hurt his pride to ask you for money to buy food, and I wanted to spare him your scorn."
The tone of Carter's response was heavy with the very scorn she'd wanted to protect her father from. "So that was his excuse to get so much money for drink and gambling. He thought nothing of bamboozling his own daughter into thinking he was a proud man desperate for a meal. He's a disgrace." He paused for a moment, then conceded, "I know you love him, though. There must be some good there that I don't see."
"I do love him," she agreed. "Sometimes I don't know why, like right now, but I can't help it."
Carter gave her a squeeze. "I can't fault you for loving your own pa. I just wish he deserved it."
"Thank you for forgiving me, Carter."
"I love you, Nalin, so I always will."
Nalin sat up again. "Love and forgiveness don't always go hand in hand. I've never forgiven my pa for the hardship he caused my ma, but I still love him. I worry sometimes that you might love me, but not forgive me for something. I worry that you may resent me for not being a good wife or that you may sometimes feel disgusted that I'm not woman enough to carry your baby."
"Disgusted? Nalin, what absolute hogwash. Careful what you say."
She knew that speaking badly about herself would displease him. She also knew that he wouldn't be so cruel as to spank her again, so it felt like a good time to bring up her feelings.
"I know what you're thinking, Nalin, and I can always find a different way to punish you. I'm very creative."
Nalin smiled in spi
te of the seriousness of the conversation. He read her mind so often.
Her smile brought one from him before he cleared his throat and became serious again. "You can't forgive your pa because he hasn't apologized and he's still a scoundrel. You're a good person and make decisions with the right intentions, so I can easily forgive you. As for not feeling like you're a good wife or woman, will you please at least try to believe me when I say I feel like the luckiest man alive to be your husband?"
Nalin smiled broadly, moved and comforted by his words. "Thank you for saying that, Carter. I'll try to believe it."
"Try hard, honey," he said, with a bit of danger in his voice. "Try very hard."
Chapter 6
The Decision
Two months later, on the morning they were to leave for the women's suffrage convention, Nalin felt nauseated and threw up. Her period was six weeks past due. Although her cycle had always been irregular, the vomiting indicated that she was almost certainly experiencing the early stages of pregnancy. The timing enraged her, and she tried to convince herself she'd eaten something that had gone bad.
The last time she became pregnant, even after all her previous miscarriages, she felt hopeful. This time, though, she felt betrayed by her own body. Finally, she'd found something to look forward to that didn't involve starting a family, and her body mocked her for it, reminding her of her one, true unfulfilled desire.
She knew she shouldn't travel. The doctor had told her that due to how difficult it was for her body to carry a baby to term, she should confine herself to bed the minute she learned of her pregnant state. But the doctor's admonishment felt hollow to her ears. He had recommended the same for years, and all of her efforts to save the babies resulted in the same loss. This new baby would die too. She felt that she might as well attend the conference in Dallas to gain some joy to counter the certain sadness.
Carter whistled as he packed their things into the back of the buggy. He brushed Thunder, the horse who would pull it, and gave him extra grain. He took an empty sack to the apple tree and filled it with red apples to bring along in addition to the cheese and bread Nalin packed for them.
Nalin threw up behind the barn out of Carter's range of hearing, then rushed to the cabin after to rinse out her mouth and splash water on her face. Taking a deep breath, she walked outside toward him and the buggy.
"Ready to skedaddle?" Carter asked her with a smile.
Nalin smiled back in a way that she hoped didn't appear as weak as she felt. "I can hardly wait."
Carter clasped her around her waist and swung her up to the seat playfully, which almost made her hurl again. He climbed up after her.
"I'm happy to be doing this with you, darlin'. I'm looking forward to the convention because it means I get to be with my girl nonstop for days."
"I'm looking forward to the speeches," she replied with sass.
Carter laughed. "You are such a brat, I swear."
After six hours in the buggy, Nalin felt sore and unwell. The jolts of the seat beneath her seemed more violent the longer they traveled. She concentrated on not vomiting, and Carter noticed she was quiet.
"You all right, honey? Tired?"
"I'm fine, just a bit peckish," she said, which she immediately regretted because Carter reached into the sack and handed her an apple. She didn't want to eat it. She stared at the fruit like it was foul-tasting medicine.
Aware that he was watching her, she took a small bite. "That's good," she said, though she meant the opposite. She chewed slowly and took another bite. Carter seemed satisfied and looked ahead.
Halfway through the apple, Nalin realized she wouldn't be able to hide her nausea any longer. "Stop, Carter. Stop now!"
"Whoa," Carter said, reining the horse to a sudden halt.
He pulled up the brake as Nalin clamored down and almost fell off the step. She dropped the apple in the dirt and rushed to the edge of the path, where she bent over and vomited into the bushes. Carter strode to her side.
"Don't watch me," she hissed at him before heaving again.
"Aw, honey," he sighed. "Okay, I'll be a few steps away."
Nalin heaved time and time again, until she was shedding her guts. There wasn't much food in her stomach, so it felt agonizing. When she finally stopped, she strode past Carter without looking at him, wiping away the tears that streamed down her face from the exertion. Taking the canteen from the back of the buggy, she rinsed out her mouth and angrily spat into the dirt. She stepped up to the seat and settled into it with a straight back, hands folded in her lap and head facing forward. Though she knew it was next to impossible, she prayed Carter would ignore what had just happened and continue in the direction of the convention. They would soon reach the town of Bartow, where they'd planned to stop for the night. After that, there were only eight more hours of travel time before they reached Dallas. They had almost traveled halfway, and turning around would feel like a horrible waste of effort.
Nalin felt Carter climb in and sit next to her. She turned her head slightly to the side to avoid meeting his eyes, which she knew were fixed on her. Carter said nothing. He released the brake and clucked to the horse. They continued toward Bartow. She allowed herself to feel hope that their plans weren't ruined and that Carter had not just figured out she was pregnant.
"We'd like a room," Carter said to the innkeeper. "Just for one night."
"No problem, sir. I'll just get your key. Will you and the missus be needing a bath drawn?"
"Yes, thank you," Carter said.
Carter had already taken the horse to the livery stable a few blocks down. Nalin looked forward to resting on a surface that wouldn't bump beneath her. She felt her husband's hand on the small of her back. He moved it up and wrapped it around her shoulder, and she leaned closer into his embrace. He kissed the top of her head.
The innkeeper handed Carter the room key. "I'll have my lad take up your pack. Won't be but a minute."
"Much obliged," Carter said.
They waited until the room was made ready for them and the bath was drawn. Once the innkeeper gave them the go-ahead, they entered together and closed the door. The room felt inviting. Black and white paisley wallpaper covered the walls, and the bed, which was donned with a thick white quilt, looked soft. Steam rose from the bath.
Carter unbuttoned the back of Nalin's dress. He hadn't said more than two words to her since she had vomited into the bushes, and he continued to say nothing. He helped her out of the frock, then lifted her shift over her head, baring her breasts and back. Next he pulled down her petticoat. She stepped out. She still wore her drawers as he lifted her and set her on the bed. He removed each of her shoes and set them aside, one at a time, then rolled her dusty stockings off her legs. Taking her hands in his, he pulled her to her feet, where he kissed her while pulling the ribbon to release her drawers, leaving her completely naked in front of him. He wore all of his clothes, even his boots and hat. The contrast between her undressed state and Carter's fully clothed state left Nalin feeling more exposed than usual while being naked in front of him.
He lifted her into his arms and settled her into the bath, where she closed her eyes in a moment of bliss. Never had water felt so wonderful to her. All of her aches from the bumpy journey felt soothed away by the hot water. Carter removed his hat, boots, and shirt. He moved a wooden chair next to the bath and sat down. Nalin looked into his eyes. She couldn't read his mood, but she knew something was wrong, and it almost certainly had to do with her throwing up.
"What is it, ohpitsa?" she asked. She ran her fingertips across the scar on his torso, which he'd received several years ago when he fell from a spooked stallion and was charged by a bull. Nalin reached for his hand.
He took hers and kissed it. "Let's get you clean, darlin'."
Finding the soap, he lathered it up and washed the lengths of her arms, then under them. He moved to her back and massaged her with his soapy hands. Next he washed her breasts and the areas around them in a tender, nons
exual way. Nalin thought this might be the first time he had touched her breasts without pinching her nipples or massaging them in a way that aroused her. His touch felt so relaxing that she allowed herself to silently enjoy it, despite the dread she felt about him knowing her condition.
He cleaned every inch of her. She marveled and blushed a little as he spent time between her legs, using his fingers to rub her clean around the folds of her womanhood. It felt intimate on a different level from sex. Her body was his to strip and clean. She looked at him, and he smiled at her in a kind way that let her know he understood how his touch made her feel. He washed her hair, kneading the lathered soap into her scalp, then rinsing it out with cups of water.
"Stand up, sweet girl."
She stood and stepped into the towel he held open for her. His ministrations continued. He rubbed her body dry, then rubbed her hair until it was damp and no longer wet. Opening their pack, he removed her nightdress and helped her slip into it. Next he guided her to sit on the chair next to the bath and brushed her hair, starting at the tips in downward strokes and working his way up through the tangles. Nalin looked longingly at the bed.
Carter walked to it and pulled back the quilt. He motioned for her to get in. She obeyed and he pulled the coverlet around her. A bed had never felt so good to her.
"I'll join you in two shakes," he said, and gave her a kiss.
He bathed in the leftover water, scrubbing himself quickly without pleasure, as the water had grown cool. Nalin watched him and felt powerful love for her husband. He didn't understand the importance of the suffrage movement to her, but he always put her needs first. She knew that not every man did that for his wife. His pa had not once shown his ma such kindness, and Carter showed her kindness every day.
He rubbed himself dry and shrugged into his nightclothes before joining her in the bed. She sidled up to him. He pulled her into his arms and she laid her head on his chest. Carter finally spoke the words she didn't want to hear. He said them gently.
The Submissive Suffragette (Lone Star Love Book 1) Page 5