Mourning Sun

by Shari Richardson

  The question surprised me. "I don't think so. I just remember you were there at Daddy's funeral." "You were so tiny the first time I saw you," she said. "I've watched you grow and I've loved you as if you were my own. I loved you because I loved your mother, but also because of who...what you are."

  "I don't understand. What do you mean, 'what I am?'" Tawnya waved me off, continuing her tale in her way. "I've been with you since before you were born. I was supposed to leave you with Loraine and Dick and go back to Heaven, but I couldn't. I couldn't leave you. I knew you were going to be a most extraordinary child...woman...and that you would need my help. And then I fell in love with Loraine and I knew I couldn't ever leave. I gave up my wings to stay here with you, your mother and your sister. I've never regretted a moment of my time here. How could I regret the love I have because of that decision?"

  "You were supposed to go back to Heaven?" The room tilted as what Tawnya was saying sank into my over stressed brain. "You're an angel?"

  "Not anymore," she said with a small smile. "When I return to Heaven, after you and your mother and sister have lived your lives, I'll be an angel again."

  "And that's why your aura is gold, isn't it?"

  "Yes." Tawnya let me digest what she'd said, watching me closely. I could tell by her expression she believed I would freak out at any moment, but actually what she said made an awful lot of sense. The day of my father's accident, he was supposed to be taking me and Kerry to a dentist appointment, but Tawnya kept us home. She was in every memory I had of childhood and she never changed. She took my dreams and now my ability to see auras as a given rather than a curse or an indication that I was strange or freakish. In all, her acceptance of weird was definitely on the high side. It made sense that she accepted the weird things that filled our lives because she was one of those weird things.

  "What does any of this have to do with Mathias?" I asked finally. I was determined to get to the bottom of her issues with him. I could deal with Tawnya the angel later. It wasn't like knowing what she was really changed anything between us.

  "I can see what he is, Mairin." she said with a deep sigh. "The undead can't hide from the beloved of God."

  My jaw dropped and I sat back hard enough that my chair rocked. "The what?" I gasped.

  "He's not human. Not anymore at least." Tawnya sat down next to me, taking my hand and pleading with me. "That's why you have to stay away from him."

  I felt the tremors begin deep in my gut and spread over my whole body. I was trembling from head to toe when Tawnya reached over and hugged me hard.

  "He's not human." I said. "What do you mean by 'not human?'" "I'm not entirely certain, but I believe he's a vampire," Tawnya said, rocking me slightly in her arms. Her calm voice set the tremors in motion again. How had Tawnya reached into my subconscious and pulled out the single most terrifying possibility of Mathias' existence that lurked there? How could she sit here, so calmly, and tell me that this wonderful boy who had turned my life upside down was a vampire? How had she known what I'd dreamed?

  "Why aren't you certain?" I asked, clutching at the last straws of doubt which would allow me to keep Mathias in my life. "He was with you in the daytime, Mairin. That's usually a pretty good indication that someone isn't a vampire, but there's something about Mathias that...I don't know how to explain it other than by saying his energy tastes like the vampires I've encountered in the past."

  "And how many have you met?" It startled me to realize that if what Tawnya said was true there might be more vampires in the world. Sure I'd read about vampires in novels since I was a kid, but I'd never thought of them as part of my reality.

  "Seven over the millenia. There are more here on earth than those I've met, but most shy away from me. They can sense that I'm angelic and most don't want to get that close to an angel. Didn't you notice how he didn't shake my hand today in the shop?"

  I had noticed that Mathias seemed unwilling to touch anyone but me, but I'd passed it off as a personality quirk. Surely he hadn't avoided touching Tawnya because he knew she was an angel. But he hadn't offered his hand to my mother either, I realized. And when Stephanie had touched him in the cafeteria, he'd jerked away from her. He only seemed to want physical contact with me, and then only on a limited basis and on his own terms.

  "Why would a...Mathias be unwilling to touch people in general?" "I don't really know, Mairin. I think most people would be uncomfortable touching a vampire. They'd know the creature wasn't human, even if they weren't sure why they didn't like it."

  "Don't call Mathias a creature," I snapped. "You don't know him and I don't believe he's a...well what you say he is."

  "Vampire, Mairin. He's a vampire. The sooner you accept the truth, the easier it will be to walk away from him." Of course Tawnya couldn't know that I wasn't going to be able to walk away from Mathias. He was already entrenched so deeply into my soul that to remove him would be to remove something vital and necessary for my survival.

  I struggled to sit up and Tawnya released me. She watched me as though waiting for me to have hysterics. I knew that wouldn't happen, at least not yet. I was getting used to weird, but this was simply too much for me to deal with. I could feel my brain shutting down. Tawnya's guesses about Mathias were too close to home, too close to my own nightmares for me to accept.

  Then, like the light of dawn chasing back the terrors of the night, understanding blossomed. Tawnya couldn't be right about Mathias and I knew why.

  "You have to be wrong about Mathias," I said. "His aura is gold, too."

  Tawnya's eyes widened. "That can't be." "But it is. It's not the same color as yours, but it's definitely gold. And like you said, he walks around in the sunlight without bursting into flames. He can't be a..." I swallowed hard and then forced the word past my lips. "vampire."

  "It doesn't matter what color his aura is or that he seems to have figured out how to walk in the daylight. What matters is that he's dangerous, Mairin. I want you to promise me that you'll stay away from him," Tawnya pleaded with me. "I don't want to lose you. Think of what it would do to your mother, to Kerry."

  "Mathias won't hurt me," I said, though I couldn't say it with any conviction. Mathias had warned me earlier that he was dangerous, that I was putting myself in danger when I was with him. Was it really a good idea to doubt him when Tawnya was confirming his statements?

  "He is a vampire, Mairin. No matter what you think are the reasons why he can't be, he can't change what he is. He's a killer. A blood drinker. Every moment you spend with him brings you closer to your death."

  "I don't believe you," I said, shuddering. Hadn't Mathias hinted at that very thing earlier? I shoved away from the table. "I don't believe you and I won't stay away from Mathias. For once in my life there is a wonderful person who wants to be with me, no matter what the rest of this little town thinks of me and my family. I won't give that up because you're afraid he might be a vampire. It's ridiculous and I won't promise you anything."

  "Please, Mairin. Be reasonable. Think of your mother and sister. What will happen to them if he kills you? Or worse, if he turns you into what he is?" "I'm going to bed," I said, turning my back on her. "This is a ridiculous conversation and I'm not going to let you twist your fear into my reality. Mom doesn't think Mathias is dangerous. She says I can see him. You can't stop me from seeing him."

  Tawnya looked as though I'd slapped her. She stood, her hand reaching out to me and tears building in her eyes. I couldn't remember having ever seen her cry before. Something inside my chest cracked a little and I felt my conviction that I was right and she was wrong slip. But she had to be wrong, I rationalized. Mathias was not a vampire.

  I turned and stormed up the stairs to my bedroom, slowing only when I realized I'd wake my mom and Kerry if I kept up with my tantrum. I closed the door to my room and sank onto my bed, dropping my head into my hands. Tawnya couldn't be right. Mathias wasn't a monster. He wasn't a vampire. But there were doubts lingering in my mind even as I argued ag
ainst Tawnya's revelation.

  Mathias had told me himself that he was dangerous. He'd tried to warn me away from him. He wouldn't kiss me. Stephanie was terrified of him. Braden was more than a little interested in fighting him. Was it possible that Tawnya was right? And what about Tawnya? Was she really a former angel staying on earth with a human family, or was that just new age junk? Deep down, I knew I believed Tawnya was a former angel. It really did explain a lot of how she came to be part of our lives and why our lives were as sedate as they were despite the tragedies early on. If I believed she was an angel, why would I doubt what she said about Mathias?

  I knew the answer to that question was simple enough. I was in love with Mathias. It didn't matter that I'd only known him for a few weeks. I knew I would never meet another boy, or man, who would take his place in my heart. It wasn't rational, but when was love rational?

  "Why is everything in my life so complicated?" I mused aloud.

  ***

  I could see Mathias even in the deep black night that surrounded him. He was pale and luminescent like the moon.

  "Come to me, Mairin."

  I walked toward him, but in the way of dreams I never got any closer. My steps continued, but he remained out of reach.

  "Do you love me, Mairin?"

  "You know I do."

  "Will you stay with me forever?"

  "Yes." He was beside me then, taking my hand and pulling me close. His lips brushed mine before traveling down to the hollow between my neck and my shoulder. The pain was sharp and sweet. I screamed.

  ***

  "Mairin, wake up. Honey, please."

  Mom's voice cut through the dream and pulled me back to reality, but the trip was slow and confused. I opened my eyes, blinking in the bright light.

  "Mom?" "Oh baby, you've been screaming and I couldn't wake you. What were you dreaming?" I saw the fear in her eyes and the lie fell from my lips without hesitation.

  "It was nothing, Mom. Same as the last one." I could tell she didn't believe me, but for once she didn't press for details. I wondered what she and Tawnya had talked about while I had been with Mathias. Had Tawnya shared her theory with my mom? Did Mom believe her?

  "Are you okay now?" she asked. "Yeah, I'm fine. You should go back to bed. You have a big day tomorrow with the charity gig at the country club."

  "Are you sure?" I could tell she was battling with herself between letting the lie stand and making me tell her what I'd dreamed. I hugged her hard. "I'm sure. It wasn't a premonition, Mom. I promise." That much was true at least. It couldn't be a premonition because if it were, it would mean Mathias really was a vampire. I simply couldn't accept that.

  She looked at me for a moment before she stood. "Will you try to sleep some more tonight?"

  "Of course, Mom. I'll go right back to sleep."

  "Okay." She kissed me before leaving and closing the door behind her. I clutched my knees and rocked back and forth. I could still feel the pressure of Mathias' teeth in my shoulder. I was afraid to get up and look in the mirror. Afraid there would be teeth marks.

  My dreams were rarely as vivid as the one I'd just had without being prophetic. I didn't want to believe this one foretold my future in any way. If I believed in the future of the dream, I had to believe in the reality of Mathias as a vampire. I wasn't ready to do that without talking to him.

  I realized I didn't have Mathias' phone number. I had no way of reaching him without simply showing up on his doorstep, and I wasn't willing to do that in the middle of the night. Not if he was a vampire. Even if he wasn't, I couldn't just show up and expect him to talk to me about Tawnya's suspicions and my dream. I'd simply have to wait for him to call me, as he'd promised to do when he'd dropped me off.

  "Maire, can I come in?" Kerry called from outside my bedroom door.

  "Sure." I moved over and made room on the bed for Kerry to sit down.

  "It was a bad one tonight, wasn't it?" I nodded. "I'm sorry I woke you, sis." "I wasn't sleeping anyway. I heard what Tawnya told you when you got home tonight. I've been thinking about it and wondering how to convince you that she's right."

  "Please don't you start on that kick now," I said. "There is no way I'm going to believe the worst of Mathias. Worse than the worst even. He's a good person, Kerr. I know he is."

  "Mairin. I'm begging you. Please don't go anywhere with him alone. I don't want to lose you. I don't think I could stand to lose you."

  "You're not going to lose me, Kerry. Mathias won't hurt me."

  "You don't know that."

  "And neither you nor Tawnya know that he will hurt me. You're overreacting."

  "And you're rationalizing."

  We looked at each other, each certain the other was wrong, dead wrong. I broke the silence when I couldn't stand the pain in her face any longer.

  "I'll be safe, Kerry. I promise to be around long enough to annoy your grandchildren."

  I hugged her and pushed her off the bed. "Go back to bed, Kerry. Try to get some sleep."

  She stood next to my bed, watching me with an intensity that made me wonder what gifts she might be developing. "I love you, sis," she said.

  "I love you too." When she left, I curled up on my bed, hugging my pillow. I could feel the dream lying in wait at the edges of my consciousness, waiting for me to slip back into sleep so the horror could run free again. I fought it, jerking awake several times when I dozed before I succumbed. Finally, Mathias called my name and I went to him. I offered my neck and waited for the pain.

  Chapter 6

  "Mairin, are you going to stay in bed all day?" Mom said from my bedroom doorway.

  I struggled to open my eyes, shocked to realized that I'd slept at all after the dream I'd had the night before.

  "What time is it?"

  "Almost eleven."

  I sat up too quickly and the darkness bloomed across my vision. I never slept half a day away. I rarely slept more than six hours in any given night.

  "I'm up, Mom," I said, waving in her direction. "Why are you still here? Don't you have to be at the country club by noon?"

  "I wanted to be sure you were OK before I left."

  "I'm fine. I guess I needed sleep."

  Mom watched me for a moment before speaking. "Tawnya and I will be back late tonight. Can you handle dinner for you and Kerry?"

  "Sure, Mom."

  "Then have a good day."

  When I was sure she wouldn't see me wobble when I stood up, I got up and closed the door before flopping back onto my bed. There was definitely something wrong with me this morning. I was dizzy and still tired. I felt like I could probably go back to sleep if I closed my eyes. That was definitely not normal for me.

  I heard the phone ring and my heart jumped into an erratic rhythm. Mathias had said he'd call me today. Of course it was silly to think he'd know the moment I awoke. Surely it wouldn't be him on the phone now.

  "Mairin, phone," Kerry shouted.

  My heart leaped into my throat and chills ran down my arms. I snatched the phone from my desk. "Hello?"

  "Good morning, Mairin." His voice made me tremble. "I hope you had a pleasant night."

  "Morning," I said. "Kerry, I've got it." I waited for the click before I spoke again. "We need to talk, Mathias."

  "That sounds ominous," he said. I could hear the teasing note still in his voice.

  "Can I come to your house?" The silence before he answered was thunderous. "That might not be a good idea, Mairin," he said. "Perhaps we could meet at the coffee shop downtown? I feel terrible that I compromised your reputation by taking you to my home last night. I wouldn't want your mother to rescind her permission for my presence in your life."

  I smiled at the old fashioned notion of Mathias being able to compromise my reputation by taking me to his home coupled with the fact that he wouldn't even kiss me. Despite the pleasant memories the thought conjured, the fear that had slept as I did curled in my gut again. I had to know if Tawnya's suspicions were accurate. I had to know
if I was falling--had fallen already--in love with a vampire. "I don't think this is a conversation you want to have in a public place, Mathias."

  He sighed and I could picture the slightly frustrated look he was likely wearing. "Should I come to pick you up or would you prefer to have an escape route?" His tone stopped me. He sounded resigned and sad, not annoyed. If I hadn't known better, I would have sworn that he knew what I wanted to talk to him about. I could feel a chasm, so like the ones in my dreams, erupt between us, as though he were preparing himself for an inevitable and painful separation because he knew I wouldn't make the leap of faith to be with him. My heart clenched tight and hot in my chest at the thought of a separation. The not knowing was going to kill me, but what would the pain of leaving Mathias do?

  "I don't think I'll need an escape route," I said finally, "but I think I'll drive out to your place. No sense in you having to drive in circles."

  "As you wish. When should I expect you?"

  "Is an hour too soon?"

  "Of course not. I look forward to your visit."

  "Liar," I whispered. "I'll see you in an hour."

  I hung up the phone and dashed to the shower. I was drying my hair when Kerry knocked on my door.

  "You're going to him, aren't you?" she said.

  "Yes, I'm going to talk to Mathias, Kerry. I want to put this ridiculous thing to rest so we can all move on." "Promise me you'll come home." Kerry's eyes were wide with fear. After all the years in our family, the oddities of a mother who ran a metaphysical shop, a sister who had visions and an angel who lived under our roof, it broke my heart to know only my association with Mathias had ever put that look of terror and horror in her eyes.

  "Of course I'll come home, silly. I'll even stop at the store and get stuff for your favorite dinner."

  "I don't care about dinner, Mairin. I care about you." I hugged Kerry. We'd always been close, but my little sister had never been this emotional around me before. "I promise I will be home tonight to make you dinner, Kerr. Don't worry, please."