Mourning Sun

by Shari Richardson

  I could see she was going to worry no matter what I said, but she nodded and left me alone so I could finish getting ready. I stood in front of the mirror I rarely used and refused to acknowledge that I was taking far more time getting ready than I normally would have because I wanted to look good for Mathias. Better that vanity delay me than the fear of learning the truth.

  A little voice kept whispering, "Why bother. He's a vampire and if you live, after today you'll never see him again." I squashed that voice again and again, but it kept returning.

  The drive to Mathias' home took me past The Astral Plane. Shock and apprehension stabbed deep as I passed the shop and saw the East Hampton football player from the night before stepping out the door onto the street. He looked up, locking eyes with me as he had at the stadium last night, and then he turned away. My heart lodged somewhere in my throat, and I continued though our quiet town and out the beach road to the house I'd dreamed of visiting since childhood.

  Mathias met me at the door to what was the grandest house in Highland Home. As a child I'd always wanted to see what the inside of this house was like. The outside reminded me of some of the homes I saw on television when they did shows about what the stars lived like. The inside was even more breath-taking than I had imagined

  "Welcome to my home," Mathias said, bowing slightly as he stepped aside to let me in. "I always wanted to see the inside of this house," I admitted. "When I was a kid, I used to imagine a prince lived here and that he'd rescue me from...well that he'd rescue me." Leave it to me to blurt out that the prince of my childhood fantasies would always rush to rescue me from monsters. Thankfully, the filter on my words that usually shut down the moment I was near Mathias, was working. I couldn't bring myself to say the word "monster." Not now. What if my prince turned out to be the monster?

  "Would you like a tour?" "No, not now. I think we'd better talk first."

  "As you wish. Can I offer you anything to drink?"

  Mathias' formal tone made my heart stutter. The chasm between us widened ever more. "Um, sure. Ice water would be great." The back wall of the house was floor to ceiling glass, giving us an uninterrupted view of the ocean. The rolling waves held my attention while Mathias got my drink. I'd always loved the sound and scent of the ocean. Those things were a couple of the very few advantages to growing up in Highland Home. I sipped my drink a few times, unsure how to begin.

  Mathias sat down at the breakfast table and watched the ocean, waiting patiently for me to speak. He was so still, so reserved, my heart broke a little more each time I glanced at him.

  "I...I don't know-how to start," I admitted, finally sitting next to him and reaching across the table for his hand.

  He slowly drew his hand away from mine, settling it in his lap. "The beginning is usually a good place," he said. His smile was endlessly sad. I swallowed hard against the lump that rose in my throat. How could I speak the words that would doom me to a life without this boy. Did I really care if what Tawnya said was true? Did it matter that this magnificent boy wasn't human? Would that fact change how I felt about him? My nightmares played in a silent loop, showing me the faces of those who had died beneath Mathias' teeth. Nameless faces of men and women long dead rose up, each begging for their own justice. Sadly I realized I could dismiss them all, save one. Kathryn's wide green eyes stared out of my subconscious, accusing me of being careless with my life by loving the boy whom she too had loved. I knew I was in love with Mathias but if he had taken the life of the woman he loved in his quest for blood, what would stop him from doing the same to me? I had to know the truth or live in fear so long as he stayed with me.

  "Tawnya had an interesting theory to share with me when I got home last night."

  "I thought she might."

  "But it can't be right...her theory. It's too ridiculous."

  "Perhaps you should share her theory with me, so I can tell you if it is ridiculous." I looked at him, sitting so still and stiff, as though bracing himself for a blow and I felt the tears well in my eyes. No matter what, if I said the words waiting on the tip of my tongue, there would be no going back.

  "Promise you won't laugh," I said, trying to lighten the mood.

  "I'm certain whatever Tawnya told you is no laughing matter, Mairin."

  "No, I suppose not," I admitted. "She...Tawnya...thinks you're a vampire."

  "And what do you think, Mairin?" When he didn't immediately laugh and deny my accusation, hope trickled out of my soul.

  "I think...I think you're the most wonderful person I've ever met."

  He smiled sadly. "That isn't all you think," he said. "Ask me, Mairin. Ask me the question that makes your eyes shine with tears."

  "Are you?"

  "Am I what? You have to say the word or you will never believe my answer." I took a deep breath and looked into Mathias' eyes. I wished I could drown in the black pools staring back at me. The eyes I had come to love so easily were so blank now, icy and closed to me. What had I done? Realizing I'd already gone too far to turn back, I blurted out, "Are you a vampire, Mathias?"

  He never blinked nor shifted his eyes from mine. "Yes."

  ***

  "Mairin, open your eyes, please." Mathias' voice broke through the darkness, calling me back to the light.

  "Tell me I dreamed it," I said stupidly.

  "I promised I would always endeavor to tell you the truth, Mairin, so I cannot tell that lie."

  "Oh God," I moaned. "You really are a...a...."

  "A vampire. Yes." I realized I was cradled against Mathias' chest and that we both sat on the kitchen floor. The cool electric current that jumped between us made me want to cling to him and run away at the same time.

  "Were you planning to tell me anytime soon?" I asked.

  "Not this soon, no, but I knew eventually I would have to be open with you." I pushed at his shoulder, struggling to get up. Mathias silently released me, remaining on the floor while I backpedaled to the kitchen table. He rose slowly and backed away from me, his arms outstretched.

  "I won't hurt you, Mairin," he said softly. The pain in his voice snapped my head up from my contemplation of the table top. I could see his attempt to be nonthreatening was costing him.

  "I know that," I said. "I just need some space. I need to think. I need..."

  "Of course." Distance, as icy as it was deep, flooded into his voice. The ache in my chest blossomed and I clutched the edge of the kitchen table until my arms shook. Why was he always so reasonable when I was emotional? How could he remain so calm when I felt my world shattering around me? "I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. What do you do when the person you love says, 'Oh by the way, I'm a vampire,'?"

  "Most sane people would say goodbye, Mairin. I certainly wouldn't blame you if you did."

  "No."

  He lifted an eyebrow. "No?"

  "No, most sane people would still be passed out on the kitchen floor, not standing here having a perfectly reasonable conversation with you."

  His laugh was abrupt and bitter. "Yes, I suppose that is true." I sat down at the table and watched the waves for a few minutes. Mathias was a vampire. Did that mean every one of the dreams I'd had of the past had been his memories? Could his life really consist of nothing but the hunt and the crushing remorse? And what did this revelation mean for us? My soul still cried out in agony each time I considered leaving Mathias. How could I walk away from a love like this and survive? And would he let me go? Could he let me go? Did he feel for me the depth of love I felt for him? Would it destroy his soul as it would mine to be separated from me? I had too many questions, but no answers. I had to have answers. When I turned to find Mathias, he was sitting next to me.

  "At least tell me it's not as bad as all the movies and books make it out to be," I said. "I wish I could, but I cannot tell that lie either." Mathias lay his hand on the table next to mine, neither close enough to touch nor far enough to discourage me should I want to take it. "There are some very real and horrifying facts of my l
ife which make me a monster, Mairin. I should never have allowed myself to become a part of your life, but I could not resist you once I saw you. Would you care to hear my reasons for staying, for putting you in danger every moment you are with me, or should I see you to your car?"

  I thought about his offer. I had so many questions but I was afraid to ask them. "Tell me," I said finally. I tentatively lay my hand over his. Mathias covered my hand with his, sighing heavily.

  "I told you I was selfish. That I had never been denied anything I truly wanted. That is the sad truth of my life. I was seventeen in 1922. My family was wealthy in a way that doesn't really translate now. We had everything we could ever want or need, but we worked hard for it all. I was a man poised to get everything I'd ever wanted. My father was turning our shipping company over to me and I was engaged to the most beautiful girl in the county. Her name was Kathryn." I started in surprise. Did this revelation confirm that my dreams were his memories? I shuddered at the thought.

  Mathias waited silently, pausing in his tale and reaching to touch my face. "She had lovely red-brown hair and green eyes and she loved me. I loved her, too. Loved her enough to die for her."

  "The fiend that changed my world found us walking near the docks. Kathryn often met me at the ship my father was currently unloading so we could walk in the evenings before she had to return to her parents' home. We were to be married only days from my last night as a human."

  "I heard the monster coming and shoved Kathryn out of the way as it charged us. Kathryn was able to run as I held it and let it sink its foul teeth into my arm."

  I shuddered. I could hear the Mathias from my dream scream, "Kathryn, run. Don't look back, just go!" Mathias smiled softly, stroking my cheek again. "It drank until I could no longer see anything but a dark tunnel. I saw my own death in that last moment and I welcomed it. I knew Kathryn had escaped. That was all that mattered. And then I heard the watch running down the alley. Kathryn had sent them back for me. Would that she had not, I could have died in that fiend's embrace rather than become what it was. Instead of finishing me, it dropped me and ran, leaving my diseased body behind."

  My heart was thundering in my chest as I listened to Mathias speak. I could almost hear the watch running on cobble stones and hear Kathryn screaming for him. Screaming for him as I would have screamed had I witnessed the horror he described.

  "Kathryn sat with me for the several days during which I lingered at death's door. She refused to believe that the doctors my father sent for could not save me. Perhaps if she had let them lead her away...if she hadn't been there...but she was."

  I could see the lovely woman from my dream silently praying for Mathias, mopping his brow, and waiting for him to be well. My mind refused to move past that moment in my dream, to move on to what I knew was the outcome before Mathias spoke the words.

  "The moment my eyes opened after my heart finally gave up its battle, I could think of nothing but the scorching thirst that burned my throat. I didn't recognize my Kathryn until she lay still in my arms. Pale, still, and very dead. I ran. Coward that I am, I ran rather than face the rightful punishment for my evil. I hid like the base, cowardly monster that I was until the thirst drove me out."

  A sob slipped between my lips. Mathias looked at me, wonder in his eyes. He didn't know that what made me cry out was his own anguished face, the chaste kiss he'd left on Kathryn's lips, the promise he'd made to mourn her for eternity. Such love, so much more than I believed I was capable of, couldn't exist in an evil creature. It couldn't be allowed.

  He shook himself, coming back from his past to join me in our present. "For too many years, I wandered the night, hiding in alleys, taking life in order to sustain my own existence. Women flocked to me, walked into the dark with me as though they could not see the evil in my heart. I walked the night and I mourned the sun."

  Each word he spoke brought with it the visions of my dreams. I had walked those alleys with him. I had seen the death he brought to those women. I had mourned the sun with him. For the first time in my life, I cursed the gift I had been given. I didn't want his memories, their details sharp and horrible. I wanted to continue to be able to doubt his words so I could stay with him, love him.

  "It wasn't until decades later that I met Alfred. It was he who shared the secrets of our existence with me. How home soil allows us to live in the light. How our venom makes more of us. How if I were careful, if I could control myself, I could take blood without killing or turning my donors. It was only with his teaching that I was able to step out of the sewers and return to the human world. But even then, I was still a monster, still a killer."

  "I count meeting Alfred as my third birthday," Mathias said. "My first was when my mother brought me to this world, the second when my Kathryn left it." "And even though I'd found ways to be reborn into the light, the light of my mortal life haunted my every moment. There has been a gaping hole in my chest from the moment I realized what I had done, how my selfishness had taken Kathryn from this world. I vowed I would never be that selfish again, that I would never again allow my desire to live in and be surrounded by the light to endanger someone I loved."

  Mathias smiled at me. "But I cannot be anything but what I am."

  He held my hand to his lips and watched me so intently and silently that I couldn't bear it any longer.

  "What happened to Alfred?" I asked softly to break the silence. "Alfred and I recently parted ways. He travels extensively and unlike me, he does not seek to live among humans for long periods of time. He wanted to go to Europe and I wanted...I wanted some time alone."

  I wondered what Mathias had been about to say he wanted, but before I could ask, he continued.

  "Don't worry, Mairin, should he visit, I would insist on his word that he not hunt here. I would protect you and your family from me and mine."

  I shuddered. "He...he hunts?"

  "He does not hunt as much as he did when we met, but he is, shall we say, less civilized about how he obtains his meals than I am." My mind wouldn't grasp what Mathias was telling me. He could see my confusion and said, "Let me finish my tale, Mairin and I will answer all of your questions. Do you not want to know why I came to live in Highland Home so recently?"

  I nodded, not at all certain I really wanted to know what had brought Mathias into my life but unable to resist drawing out the story he spun. The longer he spoke, the longer I could stay with him. If only he were Scheherazade. A thousand nights could easily be a lifetime with Mathias.

  "I was drawn to this little town because I needed to replenish my home soil supply. Without it, I would have to live in the darkness, something I could not abide for long. Living in California I could soak in the sun and pretend to be human, but that lifestyle drained the power from my home soil so quickly. I came to take soil from the garden where my Kathryn lays buried and then I planned to return to California."

  It jolted me to realize the cobbled streets upon which Mathias had killed were buried under the asphalt here in Highland Home. He noticed my shock and kissed my hand.

  "But then I heard your voice, so clear, so pure, so much like my Kathryn's and that changed everything. You and your family were laughing together, coming off the beach after a day in the sun. I watched you from my Kathryn's grave and for the first time in almost a century, my heart sang. I knew I had to stay, that I had to meet you, to understand how it was that after so long, an insignificant human girl could reawaken my human soul."

  "And that is the base, selfish reason I endanger your life. You make me feel whole, Mairin and I'm too self absorbed to let go of that wholeness for your safety...unless you tell me I must leave you. If you tell me to go, I think I can do it, though I must admit I'm not at all certain of that."

  I sat, silent and still, trying to digest what Mathias had said. I had so many questions and didn't know where to begin.

  "I can see the questions you bite back, Mairin. I've told you the worst of what I am. I have confessed to you what I have held
in the secret vault of my heart for nearly a century. Nothing you ask me now can harm me, or you, any more than I have already done. Ask me your questions."

  There was only question to which I had to have an answer. Mathias didn't understand how deep my fear of his need for death was because he didn't know I had walked the alleys with him. I needed to know if those midnight plunges into the depths of hell were distant memories or part of his present and future. "Do you, I mean do you have to...to.."

  "To kill?" he said, finishing with the word I couldn't utter. Even on his lips, it was a bitter condemnation

  "Um, yeah." "Having to kill and being unable to stop myself are two different issues. There are ways to take blood that do not put the...the donor, for lack of a better term, in danger from my venom, but the blood lust that begins at the first drop on my tongue has often negated any steps I've taken to save those who give me their blood. Alfred has hypothesized that because I still connect so closely with my donors that I cannot separate myself from the blood lust. The taste of human blood is a drug to me, one I cannot live without and one that steals any vestige of humanity I may still posses."

  "So you still," I swallowed hard, "Hunt?"

  "No, Mairin. I don't need to hunt. There are many humans who find my kind irresistible and who are willing to put their lives in danger to fulfill a fantasy."

  "But you still kill your, um, donors?"

  "More often than not, I do. It is something I have tried very hard to combat, but I have not had a great deal of success." His voice was cold and emotionless, but I could hear his anguished cries as the Mathias of my dreams mourned each person he had killed.

  Chills ran down my spine and I felt myself sliding away from Mathias without a conscious thought that I needed to get away from him. His dark eyes were sad as he sat back, releasing my hand and giving me distance.

  "I don't know what to do," I said softly. "You're so calm. You can tell me you kill those who offer you blood without emotion. I need to know you feel something, Mathias."