Mourning Sun

by Shari Richardson

  "I carry with me the memory of every face from every donor on whom I've fed. I see them in their last moment and I hear their screams. It has taken nearly a century of practice to inure myself to them, to the screams, but what wretched slip of soul I may still have is wracked with guilt over each and every one of them. If there were another way, I would do it, but only human blood allows me the shadow of a life I have. If it would mean I could live my life at your side, I would gladly starve in order to refrain from doing something I can see repulses you and is taking you from me even now."

  "I wouldn't want you to starve, Mathias."

  "But you would not have me feed in the only way I have been able to for a century."

  "Not if it means people will die," I said. "There is no other way?" "No, Mairin. No other way. I have done everything I could think of to suppress the blood lust that rises when I feed and there have been times when I have been successful, but so far nothing I've tried has been a surety. Too many times I remember the taste of the blood and awaken to the dead weight of the donor in my arms.”

  I shuddered. Mathias was calmly explaining how he murdered people despite attempting to leave them alive. I didn't know what to say or do. Part of my brain screamed, "Run," but the part of my soul I'd already lost to him kept me rooted in place. I couldn't leave until I was certain leaving wouldn't destroy me. "Tell me what to do, Mathias," I begged. "Tell me how to be OK with that...to be able to live with murder as a part of my daily life and I will happily stay and love you until the end of time."

  "You must do as your conscience dictates, Mairin. I am, and can only ever be, who and what I am. I could wish I were not a monster, but wishing will not change my fate...or yours. Though I do not believe I will ever stop loving you, I meant it when I told you that you always may do as you please when you are with me. I would never hurt your or your family. To do so would be to further damn myself to an eternity of pain. But if you wish for me to leave you..." he swallowed hard, pausing to pull in one long breath. "If you wish for me to leave you, I will go."

  "That's why you wouldn't kiss me," I said, sudden realization dawning in my foggy brain. "You didn't want to risk infecting me." "There are many things I would wish to do with you, Mairin. Touching you is a joy I never believed possible. Breathing your scent makes my head spin. Seeing your every thought and emotion as it passes through your eyes is a gift of which I am not worthy. But to taste you, any part of you, is to tempt fate to such an extent that even my selfish heart will not allow. I have never wanted anything in my very long life as much as I want to taste your lips. Even my thirst pales in comparison to that desire, but I will not jeopardize your immortal soul to fulfill my selfish desires."

  I leaned back hard in my chair, suddenly aware that as Mathias had spoken, I'd edged closer and closer to him.

  "You talk to me, about me, as though I were something more than girl," I whispered.

  "You are so very much more than a girl, Mairin. From the moment I heard your voice, you became my heart, my sun, my reason to continue in this existence." "This is too much," I said. "I don't know where to begin to wrap my head around all of this, Mathias."

  "I understand, Mairin. I've had nearly a century to come to terms with what I am. You've had a few hours at best. I have all the time in the world to await your decision."

  I looked at him, this boy to whom I had already given my heart, and realized I could not tell him to leave. If he left, he would take a part of my soul with him, a part I could not live without for long. But if he stayed, could I accept that he remained a killer? I didn't know how to reconcile these thoughts into something I could live with, something that wouldn't eventually lead to the destruction of my own humanity.

  "Why are you able to restrain yourself with me, but not with your donors?" I asked. "Don't you want to...to drink my blood, too?" Mathias jerked back as though I'd slapped him. "Don't even think....Mairin, must I say the words for you to understand? I love you. Your death would mean the end of my existence. If I were the cause of it..." He stopped and plunged his hands into his hair, pulling it back so tightly, I could only imagine how much it must have hurt.

  "If I were the cause of your death, there would not be a deep enough pit in hell to which what remained of my soul could be banished." "But why is my death so different from your donors? You said you connect to them. Why isn't that connection enough to keep you from killing them?" I didn't say that I knew he felt guilt over their deaths, that I had seen his anguish. I couldn't understand why that wasn't enough to keep his donors alive.

  "I don't know," he roared. He shoved away from the table and stood as far from me as he could. "I don't want to be the monster I am. Especially when I see the fear in your eyes, Mairin. Tell me what would take that fear from you and I will do it. I would make any sacrifice you demanded if it meant I wouldn't lose you."

  I was stunned by his passion and his pain. "I need to go home. I have to make dinner for my sister." I knew I was grasping at the mundane to keep my mind from settling on the macabre truth. The man I loved was a killer. "Will you allow me to drive you home, Mairin? For my own peace, and for your safety?"

  "I'm OK to drive," I said, knowing I lied. Mathias considered the lie for a moment before nodding.

  "As you wish," he said. I heard the finality of his words and my heart broke further.

  "I need time to think, Mathias. I know I'm not rational right now and I have to have distance and time to be able to decide what to do."

  "Of course, Mairin. I would not wish for anything more." His voice was so dead it gave me chills.

  "There are a lot of things I can live with, I think," I said, grasping for a way to tell him the one thing I was sure I couldn't live with.

  "But a killer is not one of them," he said, finishing my thought neatly and finally.

  "No," I whispered, tears slipping down my cheeks. Mathias caught one tear as it lay trembling on my cheek and lifted it to his lips. His eyes closed and his beautiful face broke into an angelic smile. Hesitantly, he leaned into me, brushing my forehead, my cheeks and finally my throat with his lips. The cool feel of his breath jerked a deep sob from my throat and he pulled me into his embrace, rocking me until the tears slowed.

  When I could, I pulled away from him slowly. I didn't want to hurt him any more than I already had, but I needed distance. He let me go, though part of me prayed he would hold me longer.

  "I have to go," I said.

  He walked me to the door and held it open for me.

  "Will you..." he stopped. "No, I have no right to ask anything of you." "What were you going to ask me?" "Will you allow me to stay in Highland Home for a time? Until I can settle my affairs and move back to California."

  I knew that hadn't been his question, but I let the lie pass. "I can't ask you to leave, Mathias. For more reasons than I'm ready to deal with, I can't ask that of you. All I am asking for right now is time and distance. Let me find my path. Don't interfere while I'm searching."

  He nodded once and then slowly closed the door between us.

  Chapter 7

  I sat in the Nova for a long time before the tears slowed enough for me to see. My mind wouldn't let go of the image of Mathias slowly closing the door. It was so final, as though he was more certain of my future than I ever would be. Certain of a future that didn't include him. I tried to imagine that future, but there was only the crushing darkness of my dreams. I could no longer see even the mundane future of college and the career I'd always planned for. It was as though Mathias had closed the door on my entire future, not just the one which included him.

  I drove slowly through town, stopping at the grocery store to get the things I needed to make Stromboli for Kerry. Part of me still stood on the threshold of Mathias' house, waiting for him to open the door and laugh; to tell me it was all a terrible joke. He wasn't a vampire. He wasn't a killer. He wasn't a monster. I knew better, but I couldn't let go of the hope.

  I stood next to my car, struggling to control
my emotions, knowing it was a lost cause. In my entire life, the only time I'd ever had complete control of my emotions had been at Daddy's funeral. I never cried for him where Mom or Kerry could see me. Any other emotional upheaval I'd ever had poured out of me and onto everyone and everything in my life. I knew I couldn't go into the store until I had better control over myself. Too many people would see me and tell Mom or Tawnya. It would be just another scandal for the Cotes. I couldn't let that happen.

  "Hey, are you okay?" I looked up into the pale green eyes of the East Hampton football player who had stared at me and Mathias. I jerked back, startled and more than a little afraid.

  "Um, not really, but it's just girl stuff," I said.

  The boy held out his hand and I took it reflexively. "I'm Xavier Meyers. I saw you last night at the pep rally."

  "Yeah."

  "Look, I know you're probably kind of freaked out right now, but I needed to talk to you. Can we maybe sit in your car or something?"

  "I don't think that's a good idea."

  "Mairin, this isn't a conversation you want to have in public." The echo of the words I'd spoken to Mathias that morning shook me. The tears began again in earnest leaving Xavier watching me, obviously unsure what to do.

  "How...how do you know my name?" I asked when the tears slowed. "Your mom and my grandmother know each other from the psychic community," Xavier's relief at getting a coherent question out of me despite the tears was obvious. "When I described you to my grandmother, she said you were probably the one I'd seen last night."

  I rubbed the tears from my face and eyes. Crying over Mathias wasn't making me feel better and I felt more than a little foolish bawling all over this stranger.

  "What did you want to talk about?"

  "Really, I think a little privacy would be better for this talk."

  "Oh fine," I snapped. "Get in." Xavier slipped into the passenger seat, turning so his back was against the door and he faced me. I kept staring at his eyes and his pulsing orange aura. The two features were enough to numb my already assaulted brain.

  "You kept staring at me last night." I said. "Yeah. That's why I needed to talk to you." Xavier shifted uncomfortably. "Look, I know what I'm going to tell you is going to make me sound like a lunatic," he coughed out a laugh. "But trust me, it will all make sense when I'm finished. Okay?"

  I nodded. It wasn't like I wasn't already overwhelmed by the bizarre. What was one more crazy story?

  "OK, so I was staring at you last night because of that guy you were with."

  I jerked. Why couldn't I catch a break? Mathias was going to be the death of me. I shuddered at that thought.

  "There's something you need to know about that guy. Something that makes him a danger to everyone around him."

  "He's a vampire." I said.

  It was Xavier's turn to be surprised. "You knew?" Revulsion warred with anger in his tone.

  "Not last night, no," I said. "I just came from his house. He...he confirmed what my mom's partner told me last night."

  "Then you know how dangerous he is, Mairin. He's a killer."

  "I know," I screamed. The vehemence of my response startled me. "I know what he is, Xavier."

  Mathias was the boy I loved. He was kind and compassionate. He was a protector of those he cared about and the people they loved.

  Mathias was a killer. The distance between the illusion of Mathias' humanity and the reality of his existence was like a sucker punch to the gut. Bitter laughter burst from my lips, quickly transforming into sobs.

  Xavier waited silently for me to get myself under control before he spoke again.

  "I have to say I'm surprised he let you leave his lair after you learned the truth." "It's a house, not a lair," I said. "Whatever," Xavier snapped. "The point is, most blood suckers would have killed you and destroyed your body. This one didn't."

  "What do you want from me? Do you want me to go back so Math...he can kill me?"

  "No, no. Of course not. But it does change my plans for him."

  "Why would you have plans for...him." I couldn't speak his name. It choked me with the weight of what my life was going to be without him. "Well let's just say part of my job is to keep the human world safe from blood sucking demons and other nasty creatures. But I can't act if the blood sucker hasn't demonstrated that he's an immediate threat. This one seems to have enough control to allow someone who knows his secret to leave without consequences. I'll have to wait for him to become a bigger threat."

  "You're crazy," I said. "You're just a kid. Who appointed you to the post of protector of the human race?" "It's not a job I wanted, I can tell you that. But I won't walk away from my duty." Xavier's bitter tone reminded me of Mathias' as he'd recounted his tale of becoming a vampire.

  "Look, Mairin, I'm sorry to jump on you about this today. Obviously you've had a tough day. But I need to know what you plan to do about the blood sucker now."

  "Stop calling him that."

  Xavier sighed. "Fine, what would you prefer I call him? Fiend of the night?"

  "His name is...Mathias." I pushed his name past the lump in my throat.

  "OK. What do you plan to do about Mathias?" "Why do you care?" "I'll be watching him. Making sure he doesn't start killing the innocent townsfolk of Highland Home. I need to know if I have to watch out for him turning townsfolk too."

  "Turning?"

  "Yeah, making more little blood suckers to decimate the human population."

  I tried to wrap my brain around what Xavier was suggesting. "You think I'd let him make me into a vampire?" "Well, it wouldn't be the first time someone thought they were in love with a blood sucker and let them end their human life by making them a hell borne atrocity."

  "Big words for a football player," I laughed bitterly.

  "Bite me, Mairin," Xavier said. "I really don't care what your decision is. I just need to know how closely I'll need to watch you." I shook my head. "I don't know what to tell you. I haven't made up my mind about...about him, but I can tell you that I won't be letting him make me a vampire."

  "Good enough." Xavier stepped out of the car. "You should just stay away from the blood...from Mathias. Think of what your death would do to your family. And accidents happen."

  He was gone before I could think of anything to say.

  *** I tried to go back to my life, but I should have known it would be impossible. Meeting Mathias had changed something important in my makeup. I couldn't just walk away unscathed.

  I wouldn't talk to anyone about what had happened between me and Mathias. I stopped talking to Tawnya altogether until Mom shouted that she wouldn't let me drive away the woman she loved. After that screaming match, I put on my happy face and hid my true feelings from everyone. I wouldn't even let Kerry in close enough to share my broken heart with her. I still hadn't found a way to make a decision about Mathias and so I left him in the ether with me. Every so often he would look at me, a question in his eyes, but I ran from those moments.

  I wanted to find someone to blame for my pain and for Mathias'. The trouble was, I could find no one but myself to foot that bill. I had ignored my dreams and allowed myself to get involved with Mathias because I was dazzled by him. I had gone to him with questions and then blamed him when the answers were what I already knew to be true. I had let him close the door between us because I was too cowardly to stop him.

  I didn't tell anyone about the weird meeting with Xavier either. The whole episode seemed distant and unreal, like it had been part of someone else's life. From time to time, I'd see Xavier around Highland Home, but he never acknowledged me or spoke to me.

  I tried to avoid seeing Xavier rather than searching for him in Highland Home. To see Xavier was to acknowledge why he was there. To acknowledge that was to allow myself to be forcibly reminded of what Mathias was and how I was letting months pass without making a decision.

  Slowly, the painful days and horrifying nights blended into something smooth and easy to ignore. I dreamed of Mathias a
lmost every night. I screamed when his teeth sank into my shoulder. I cried when his lips brushed my forehead. It got so bad that Mom stopped coming to my room when I screamed. I couldn't tell her what I was dreaming and she finally stopped asking. I woke each day wondering what new hell I was in for.

  Eventually, though, my soul began to heal itself, even if that healing consisted of only a scab over the festering hole where my heart once lay. "Want to go with me to the mall later?" Cecelia asked. I realized she'd been talking to me for at least the five minutes it took to get from the cafeteria to French class, but I couldn't remember what she'd said.

  "What?"

  "Look Mairin," she said, irritation making her voice sharp. "I get it. He was wonderful and all that, but you told him to get lost. You gotta stop moping after a guy you said you didn't want. It's been six months. You have to move on, Chica."

  I looked at Cecelia, realizing I hadn't really seen her in months. She'd changed her hair and I hadn't noticed. I wondered what else I'd missed while I wallowed in self-pity. Shame settled deep in the pit of my stomach. "I'm sorry I've been such a terrible friend," I said.

  "You're not a terrible friend, doofus. But you're not the same Mairin you were before Mathias. I miss you and I wish you would let me help you feel better. You won't talk to me. You won't let me help you. Mairin, I don't know what to do."

  I flinched at his name. I'd spent so many months avoiding anything to do with him, including his name that when something came up, like now, I didn't know how to handle it. I saw fear and worry in my best friend's eyes and felt a drowning guilt. Cecelia was right. I wasn't the same girl I'd been before a vampire had turned my world upside down. I was, at best, a shadow of myself who was hurting everyone she loved. I suddenly realized I was a worse kind of monster than Mathias. At least he killed cleanly. I let my victims suffer and linger.

  "Speak of the devil and the devil will appear," I whispered. Mathias stood at the door to the French classroom, talking to Mr. Petrowski and pointedly not looking at me. I stared at him, drinking in his beloved features, ignoring the pain that bloomed in my chest. As though I were seeing my world clearly for the first time since Mathias had closed the door on me, I realized that he didn't look as I remembered him. He looked paler today than I remembered. In fact, he looked downright ill once I really looked at him.