Obsession: Warm Bodies, Cold Hearts

by Rice, Rachel E.

  Maybe he lied to be able to live again. I know I did.

  Phillip arranged for Danny to see Sean and since Danny thought the twins were Phillips, the two remained civil on and off. The twins were now one and walking. Phillip adored them and took fatherhood serious, I was lucky because all the men I met after Mike were good fathers, even Robert. When Robert committed suicide over the Galaxy Oil scandal, I was sad. The sadness for Robert lasted longer than I expected. He had so much promise. He had the misfortune of loving the wrong women.

  “Sydney, the car is coming soon.”

  “Don’t worry Phillip I’ll be ready,” I said putting on my lipstick and glancing into the mirror.“Are you wearing the dress I selected?”

  Phillip purchased a beautiful dress from Oscar de la Renta, the gown was made just for me. The dress is yellow, my favorite color, and the diamond earrings were made for me as well. He paid more than two million dollars for them. I would have preferred to get them on loan.

  I put on the diamond bracelet Danny gave me from one of his trips to Italy. Was I sending Danny a message?

  I was being dishonest with Phillip, but the heart is fashioned to be indiscrete and full of lust. My dishonesty to Phillip was in thought, but never in body. I have been faithful to Phillip throughout our marriage. Phillip is an honest and caring man, and he showed me, and my children, more love than I could ever hope to obtain from most men.

  However, I never gave Danny a chance to express the scope of his love.

  “I’m ready Phillip,” I walked into the room where Phillip was dressing and his eyes followed my body. He looked at my hair, eyes, lips, and his eyes settled on my breast.

  “My God, you are beautiful, and I don’t know if I want the world to see you. I can imagine the knives in my back after this night, or some poison in my drink, to get rid of me so they can have a chance at you.

  “Come on Phillip, no one will notice me. You are the star and you are too handsome for words.”

  “Let’s go sweetheart, the car is here,” Phillip said as he grabbed my hand and holding it then kissing it lovingly.

  “Sydney, you have made me what I am today—a happy content man, I’m nothing without you.”

  “You will always have me. You are the kindest man I have known. I love you very much Phillip.”

  “What about Danny?” Well that threw me for a loop.

  “What about him? I said. Phillip you have never mentioned him in the years we have been together, why now?”

  “We may see him tonight.”

  “I know, but it’s over Phillip.” I don’t know why I choose to lie, maybe convenience. Lies have a way of visiting you on the most inopportune occasions.

  Well what was I going to say? I’m never going to love another man the way I love Danny, not even you, you handsome good-looking great husband, great father, great lover—so I lied!

  “I know Sydney, I’m just nervous.”

  “If I lose tonight, it will not matter, because I have what I’ve wanted all my life.” I looked at him and held him close to me, because we both needed reassurance this night.

  “You will not lose, don’t even think that way, you’ll send a negative wave into the universe.” Phillip smiled broadly with his usual confidence and stride.

  The limo driver prompt and quite elegant stepped out and held the door open as I entered first. Phillip reached for a drink after he settled down. I knew Phillip wanted to win one more Oscar, only because he was competing with Danny. Two alpha males competing, it could get ugly.

  The evening, calm and cool had the feel of low expectations and high drama. I had a lingering question I harbored deep in my soul. How can I separate myself from Danny?

  As the limo eased up to the Kodak Theatre, all the stars exited their cars to walk the Red Carpet; the circus began. The fans are collectively enthusiastic about the night’s gala. The hype and publicity about Danny and Phillip hit a fever pitch, because everyone in the country knew of the rivalry that first started at Phillip’s beach house in Malibu. Tonight would be the night that they are meeting like gladiators in Rome. Only one left standing. No one cared or took notice of the other nominees, the focus stayed on Danny and Phillip.

  When Phillip stepped out of the car, the crowd screamed and shouted his name, while immediately I heard another resounding uproar, and there strode Danny.

  Danny glanced at the crowd with his wondrous smile, then he waved at his admirers. I turned to my right and those eyes of his flashed like a light house in a storm to warn ships—don’t come near, there are rocks and a shipwreck is eminent. That mouth with those wonderful polished teeth, which made me lose my being, gathered me up, and sent me on a journey in my mind—he hadn’t lost his magic.

  My mind took me to his arms, caused me to daydream, picturing how it could and should have been me on his arm at this ceremony. Pale and speechless, breathless, I did all I could to compose myself. My legs weakened, I needed to sit before I faint. I smiled, my heart raced, and I could not still my beating heart even if I tried. I’m lost again, I admitted, and this time, I may never return from this fantasy.

  Years have passed and I thought I was over Danny, and here he is plaguing my thoughts like a bee sucking nectar from a flower. One taste of him and I’m on the merry-go-round again for life.

  I came to my senses in enough time to notice that he was not alone. There beside him nudged close to his muscular arm, rest a woman.

  I recognized her as a starlet. Her name is Rachael Warner, one of the most desirous women in Hollywood, and she snared my Danny. She had every actor in Hollywood vying for her attention, and every actor young and old wanted a piece of her.

  The tabloids stated that she requested him for her movie and there the affair began. The word around is that they are engaged. The look on her face told me about her. She was after money, fame, and Danny, not necessarily in that order.

  Rachael wore a lovely, demure, ingénue, girlie gown to play down her age, or convince someone, maybe Danny, that she was an innocent young thing. I saw through that frilly gown, and the expensive diamond pearl earrings, and her worldly woman demeanor to pull out the real Rachael—just an alley cat cruising for her next meal.

  Heather and Steven kept up with the gossip in the states, and warned me about her. What was I to do? I was married to a wonderful handsome man and a well-respected actor. I relinquished my rights to Danny when I didn’t accept his marriage proposal. I chose to marry Phillip. I have to live with my decisions!

  Danny developed into a wonderful man and a great father. He spends all his time with Sean, even bringing him on locations to make up for the lost time. He even forgave me for the craziness I brought into his life, and he credited me for saving his life.

  As Danny passed, the cameras zeroed in on Phillip and me. I’m sure the media will create some image they can manipulate.

  Phillip turned to see Danny, and waved, “He’s with Rachael, that’s interesting.”

  “Do you know Rachael Warner?”

  “Yes, she and I were in a movie together when she was a teenager, and I was in my thirties. She had a crush on me. When she won her first Oscar she ask for me for her next movie, and I turned her down. Danny took the part and now he has a nomination.”

  “Why did you turn her down?” I said leaning to hear.

  “It’s complicated and I didn’t want anything or anyone to ruin my marriage.”

  “It was that serious?”

  “I think you are jealous?” Phillip began to laugh and Sydney laughed because she couldn’t figure out whether it was Phillip she was jealous of, or Danny.

  “No I’m not jealous. I just want to know about your ex girl friends.”

  “Trust me Sydney, she wasn’t an ex girlfriend, she was a nineteen year old spoiled brat. You are the only woman that made me want to do something like get married. No one but you. Let’s go over and speak to Danny and Rachael. It’ll make good press.”

  “I don’t know Phillip? I don’t thi
nk it’s a good idea. What about the paparazzi?”

  “That will give them a chance to see that we are on speaking terms.”

  I gave in, so we walked over to say hello. I could see the look in Danny’s face. He was delighted, and not at all the resentful man I imagined him to be.

  He smiled and held Rachael’s hand. As we neared the area where the press set up shop, each were talking to separate interviewers. I looked to see the ring on her finger, and she caught me looking. It was not as big as the ring Danny gave me, but it was expensive.

  “Hello Danny, great seeing you under different circumstances,” Phillip said shaking Danny’s hand.

  Danny and I looked at each other and that was all it took. It was a signal, the kind where animals find each other in the dark. It was active sonar, where feelings reflected back.

  We were both trying to hide in plain sight. We were both hiding our love for each other. I tried not to look him in the face. We were both hiding our eyes and trying not to see each other or let anyone see our soul. I don’t know what I would do if I could never see those eyes and lips again, I thought. I’m lucky, because I can see his eyes everyday in my son’s eyes and face. Did we fool anyone? I don’t think so!

  Danny shook my hand, “Hello Sydney, great seeing you again,” he stated in his Scottish burr. “It has been a long time.” He paused for a moment to get the words out of his mouth.

  “Phillip, Sydney, this is Rachael Warner my fiancée.”

  Well he finally did it. He finally figured out how to get to me. He’s announcing to the world that he is planning to marry the hot actress at his side. I had to hold my breath and keep from fainting.

  “Rachael, it’s great seeing you after all these years,” Phillip stated in a manner that he had known Rachael in the biblical sense.

  “It’s nice to meet you Rachael, I hope you and Danny have a wonderful life and please invite us to your wedding,” I said loathing my every word.

  “I don’t know how we can avoid not inviting you, because Sean is the ring bearer.”

  “Really, Oh how wonderful,” I stated, wanting to tear her clothes off and expose what she was hiding under all those frills.

  “We have a few more friends we have to visit before we are seated. Good luck Danny,” stated Phillip. Then he took my hand and we walked away from the love of my life.

  Phillip a fierce competitor didn’t want Danny to win, but he wanted to win at any cost. I knew why he wanted to parade me in front of Danny. He wanted Danny to know that he won after all, and has the woman Danny wanted to marry.

  * * * *

  A satisfied Danny got a chance to see Sydney even if it was for a minute. To look in her face was all he craved. He wanted to remember the days they made loved together. To see her hair, eyes, and figure—to smell her scent. He longed for those feelings even if it meant languishing in a bed of misery. When his eyes are closed, he is at the moment they first met, and the nights they laid in each other’s arms.

  The few times they shared were all he hoped for, and all he would ever want again. If only to see her and feel her hand he would have given up life for that moment, now he had it, and no one would take that away from him.

  Danny and Rachael walked hand in hand into the ceremonies. He felt lucky, this was a feeling he never felt before except for the time he met Sydney. That feeling never made its rounds until now.

  Danny has clarity of mind and spirit. His feelings of emptiness dissolved, this was his lucky day. He heard Michael Buble’s song, “Feeling Good,” dancing in his mind. “It’s a new day, it’s a new dawn and I’m feeling good.”

  Chapter 23

  When worlds collide, where do we run to hide?

  I knew Phillip was not the man I had dreamed of in my life. Life is never what we expect and people are not what they appear to be.

  I never expected Phillip to be a kind loving man, but he was. I didn’t expect Danny to want me, tolerate me, forgive me, and love me for as long as he did, and he did all of that.

  I expected Robert to be kind, understanding, and he wasn’t. I wanted Mike to be the love of my life, but he was the nightmare of my life. You see people are not what they seem.

  Phillip Cross gave me a life I didn’t find with Danny. I learned about men, and lived a lifetime in the last five years. I stood on the veranda of my beautiful villa in Stresa, Lake Maggiore, looking out over the lake. I thought how wonderful and peaceful my life had become, then I remembered how Danny described the countryside where he grew up in Scotland, the serenely quiet, rolling hills. I heard Danny’s voice in my head recite a stanza from “In The Highlands,” by Robert Louis Stevenson.

  O to dream, O to awake and wander

  There, and with delight to take and render,

  Through the trance of silence,

  Quiet breath;

  I was taking a quiet breath from my unfinished life.

  I expected a call from Heather to keep me abreast on the latest escapade of my once lover, Danny, and my friends. Danny was the talk of Hollywood now that he was an international super star.

  He won the Oscar and beat Phillip for once. Phillip has not been the same. He bought cars, Porsches, Ferrari, and began racing them to comfort himself for losing the Oscar to Danny.

  Heather planned a visit with me to take a break from her family. She had as many children as I had.

  There was a chill in the air, and the morning was cold. The kind of cold you find in San Francisco in the middle of summer. I was in deep thought, and didn’t hear the phone. The phone had been ringing for several minutes.

  “Sydney, where is Phillip?”

  “No hello first.”

  “Sorry Sydney.”

  “He bought a new Ferrari and he left early this morning to test it,” I said wondering why she was so concerned. She never liked Phillip—her favorite man was Danny. All Danny had to do was call her and she would spill her guts on everything he wanted to know about me, or anyone else for that matter.

  “Sydney, Phillip is…” and her voice choked in silence. “Phillip is dead.”

  I heard Heather and my mind dashed through the moments and memories of my life. I dropped the phone, and crawled and sat in a fetal position on the floor. The room moved, or I think it moved. I don’t remember. I don’t remember eating or feeding the children. Maybe I didn’t, because I remember looking up at Sean.

  “Mama, what’s the matter?” he said as he put his little hand to my face and brought his beautiful small face closer to mine. I looked into his eyes and I saw Danny and I began to cry. I cried for Phillip, I cried for Danny, and most of all I cried for my children and myself. I could not measure my happiness, but I could measure my pain, and it was unbearable.

  “Mama it’s going to be alright, don’t cry. I tried to feed the babies because they are crying like you mama,” Sean said as he brushed my hair from my eyes.

  “I forgot little Danny and Danielle. I had three children for Danny, children who never met their father. What a mess! Now I’m a woman with no father for my children.

  Phillip was the best man I’ve met in a long time. Danny was the best in so many areas of my life, and I couldn’t see it because of the darkness surrounding me. Now it appeared to be too late. He would be married soon and out of my grasp.

  I forced myself off the floor, with so much pain ahead in my life. I had to find the strength to take care of my children. I knew I was alive, because of the pain.

  I kept busy to get through the days, so I couldn’t think about my loss. I have lost so much in my life that I didn’t think I had any more to lose. However, I have my children, myself, and wonderful friends and family.

  Heather flew to Rome, and I met her, where she took over the funeral arrangements. Phillip never had children or family. Danny’s children, his family, were all Phillip had. The tabloids ran stories about Phillip, and papers sold in England and the U. S. for weeks. Then they threw me in for good measure, where there was a front-page story about his mone
y, his loves, his wife, and his children.

  I inherited his fortune, but I felt penniless. With Heather’s help, I picked myself up and staggered into the world like a drunken sailor on leave from the sea.

  I began to take my children for walks along the countryside and the beach. I was so entrenched in my darkness that I began to see Danny at every turn. I thought I saw him in a car passing on the road. It couldn’t have been him, I thought, because he would have said something. This person acted as if he didn’t know me. He never looked in my direction.

  His sightings became a game for me, and a pleasant ray of sunshine entered my mind and shone through the fog and rain in my life. It was the sun rising again. If it was Danny, I’m determined to find him. My children needed him and I wanted him to satisfy my frustrated soul.

  I called Steven in New York and as usual, he saw this as an opportunity for gain, either with a healthy dose of gossip or a respite from boredom. He was eager to help. He would even find the time to visit and help me search for the elusive Danny McCloud, as he like to refer to him. Steven minored in theatre in college.

  “Steven, have you heard from Danny?”

  “The last I heard from him was the day he found out that I gave gossip about him to the Tell All gossip web site.”

  “That was you Steven?” I don’t know if I can forgive you.”

  “I know Sydney, and I admit it was too stupid for words. Danny called me a bloody bastard, and those words were kind, the other words I couldn’t understand. He said something about me shagging someone. What’s shagging?”

  You know Steven the f---word.” I said laughing.

  “Oh, colorful language those Scotts have.

  “Steven, I thought I saw Danny.”

  “You couldn’t have. He’s filming in Asia. You’re probably having a depressive episode over Phillips death.”

  “Steven, now you’re a Psychologist. Where did you get your license, from watching Dr. Phil? “How are the children doing now that Phillip is gone?” he changed the subject.