Obsession: Warm Bodies, Cold Hearts

by Rice, Rachel E.

  “I don’t know. They are use to him being away, and I didn’t want them to be more screwed up than necessary, so I didn’t tell them.”

  “What did you tell them about Danny?”

  “The children think they have two fathers, Danny is number one and Phillip is number two.”

  “What about Robert? Sean knew Robert.”

  “I never talk about Robert.”

  “Sean is the oldest, how does he feel about Danny?”

  “I told him in the beginning that he is his father, and that he had been ill and very soon he will come live with us, and we will live happily ever after like in the fairy tales. Sean saw him frequently before Phillips death. Phillip would fly him to where ever Danny was. ”

  “Oh no you didn’t, talking about fairy tales, you are in one now.”

  “I had to do something Steven, stop asking me all these questions!”

  “I’m sorry. I know you had a hard time. I don’t know how you do what you do.” Steven tried to comfort me when he realized that I was fragile, and not the person he once knew.

  “Steven, when are you coming? Heather just left, but I still need someone.”

  “As soon as you get off this phone I can start packing. I’ll get a flight out tomorrow.

  I finally let Steven go, but it was unbearable being alone. I needed the company of a familiar voice to keep me together. I decided to get out of the house, to be in the open with people surrounding me. I needed the comfort of numbers, where I could rid myself of my unhappiness.

  The next day I walked with my children and looked at the giant sunflowers. We stopped for pizzas and then I bought the frozen ice cream the children loved. They were happy again, and I’m happy again.

  I decided to make a game of looking for Danny; the children would point out anyone who resembled him. Sean pointed to an artisan festival where a large group of people gathered, and where different artist displaying their works were in little tents. After exhausting the children, I soon realized that I had to meet Steven. Sean enjoyed when Steven came to town. He was kind, and childlike. Sean thought of him as a big brother.

  I arrived just in time to collect Steven from the airport, and he greeted me with hugs and kisses, and baggage for three months.

  The excitement of being in Italy was written on Steven’s face. He admitted that he had never gone to Italy. I thought a man like Steven, educated with disposable money, should have ventured beyond the U. S., but he barely left New York, except for every other weekend. He fell madly in love with the country, and talked about moving and living the rest of his life here.

  Steven talked continuous for hours, as if holding every secret for years. A dam couldn’t contain the floodwaters of his gossip. He started his favorite conversation about Danny, because he knew I was hopelessly in love, no matter how I tried to hide my true feelings.

  I needed a diversion from my sorrow so I listened while we prepared dinner. Steven chopped the vegetables for the salad and cooked the pasta, as I cooked the meat sauce. Attending the local cooking school allowed me to cook some special dishes.

  We sat on the terrace to have dinner. The children were in bed. We sat entranced by the moonlight, with both of us wondering what went wrong, and why couldn’t we be with someone we loved instead of each other. We looked at each other as if reading the other’s mind and gave out a crazy, loud laugh.

  Sean excited to have a man around, helped Steven unpack, and brought him slippers. He wanted a man about the house and he was especially happy that it was Steven if he could not have Phillip or Danny.

  Life took Phillip and left my little family empty and suffocating. I didn’t know how to give my children what they needed to make them whole again, but I would try to put my life back together piece by piece.

  I let Steven in on my plan over a second glass of wine, and he agreed it was a good plan over his third glass.

  I stumbled to bed after making it through another night without Phillip. I had become dependent on Phillip, because he knew the right things to do if I had a problem big or small. He had the right answers to brighten my day. Now I felt lost.

  I never knew how much time it took to dress, feed, and carry the children places. I always had help, whether from Phillip, or a housekeeper. Now Phillip was gone and I gave the nanny and housekeeper off for a month.

  Phillip loved my children and they adored him. I guess that was the only lucky moment in my life. I met men who loved my children and loved me equally. Phillip left my children his fortune when he died, and always treated them as if they were his.

  The newspapers worldwide reported how Phillip had finally found love and had children, and that he died happy. There were pictures in the newspapers, our wedding pictures and pictures of the twins and us when they were born. All the children were for Danny, and he never knew.

  The map of Scotland written all over their faces, with their striking green eyes and elegant nose, and he never knew. The whole story was clear, but no one took time to notice, not even Danny.

  The next morning I was up early and Steven was nursing a hangover. I made coffee for Steven as the children slept. I poured him some of the Italian coffee, knowing it would keep him up for hours, even after jet lag. I had to get Steven talking and talk he did.

  “Steven, where is Danny?” I said without embarrassment.

  “I heard Danny had been working on picture after picture. Some close friends in the business say that he has been working hard since he won the Oscar. There was talk that if he did not stop he could collapse. He takes all these action pictures and asks to do his own stunts. It is as if he is trying to kill himself.”

  Steven saw the look on my face, and decided to change the subject. He must have known I couldn’t take any more death stories.

  “He’s going to be in Venice at the film festival next month,” Steven blurted out.

  “No, don’t shit me Steven. Is he really going to be in Italy?” I said with my heart racing.

  “Yes, I’m serious Sydney,” Steven said pouring another cup of the potent coffee.

  I grabbed Steven, hugged him, and felt that there was one more light burning to lead me out of this darkness. I couldn’t hold back my happiness. I shouted. “Yes! Yes!”

  In that moment, I began to plan how I would piece together my life and myself with Danny. I made no consideration for others in his life or my own. I finally knew what I wanted, and I became determined to get it at any cost!

  “Sydney, Sydney, come back to earth. I have been talking for hours and you didn’t hear a word I said.” Steven shouted waving his hand near my face and saying, “Is anyone home?”

  “I was listening Steven, it’s just so hard. I have nothing. I have all this money and I have nothing until I have Danny. I have been under this cloud and it never stops raining pain.”

  “I heard that after you drove Danny to the rehab clinic he never took a drink or drugs again.”

  “I’m happy for him, and I want to see him. I want to see him as he was when I first met him.”

  “No one stays the same Sydney, you know that.” We both took another cup of coffee.

  “I meant I want to see him sober.”

  After Steven decided that it was useless to try to sleep to get over his jet lag, we set out on a drive with the children along the countryside. Taken with the beauty of Lake Maggiore, he declared that he was going to buy himself a summer home next to mine. The only thing he had to get use to was the shops that closed in the middle of the day. Steven said that he and Italy were one, and he knew somewhere in his other life he had Mediterranean in his blood.

  * * * *

  The art festival had wonderful food that Italy is famous for. We walked to a nearby restaurant and ordered. Steven ordered a pizza to make a comparison with the Italian pizzas in New York, none could compare to the pizza we wolfed down that day.

  I walked to the door, started out the door, when I heard loud cheers. The men sitting on the outside café were rating the wom
en as they left the restaurant. I took the cheers to signal that I still had it. And indeed I did, all those men can’t be wrong, so I left with renewed courage to find Danny.

  I wanted paintings for my home, so I asked Steven to help me shop and carry the paintings. I walked from booth to booth and suddenly I saw what I wanted. The paintings were watercolors of Scotland. The first to catch my eye, a field of grass, hills with waterfalls, a stone bridge, and a forest. Landscapes of the Highlands, paintings of Lochs and Glens spoke to me and stopped me in my tracks. I paced back and forward trying to capture the essence of Scotland. I had to get just the right paintings.

  “Are you interested in my paintings, beautiful lady?”

  I glanced up from the canvas because the voice sounded familiar. I turned, our eyes met, and I couldn’t say a word. I was lost. My heart skipped a beat. My body tingled. My faced glowed. It was the tell tale signs of physical attraction.

  His devilish young smile, his intriguing blue green eyes, and rugged good looks are the mirror image of Danny. I thought it was him, but it wasn’t. How was this possible? How does a thing like this happen to one person in a lifetime? Steven stood in the corner beaming as if planning his outline, where he would write the next chapters to my life story.

  “You are a beautiful interesting looking woman, and I would like to paint you. Do you live around here?” He questioned as he stepped closer to me.

  I could not talk. I looked in his eyes, in his mouth, at his hands. “Yes, I live…,” he cut me off.

  “You are an American.

  “Yes I am.”

  “If you give me your address I will make you a deal. I will give these paintings to you if you allow me to paint you, but the paintings of you are mine.”

  I thought for a few seconds and no more time was necessary to make my decision.

  “My name is Sydney.”

  “My name is Jeremy McCloud.”

  “Do you have a brother name Danny McCloud?” I asked.

  “Yes, I guess you would know him, he’s in America, and you are an American. He’s a famous actor. I haven’t seen him since we were teenagers. I hear he’ll be in Italy soon, and I’ll try to catch him then.”

  I thanked Jeremy and left with Steven. Steven turned to see Jeremy staring at us as we walked down the path to the car. We stopped to watch the young boys and girls dance to some old rock and roll tunes of the sixties and seventies. I saw freedom in their dance. I realized that I had lost that freedom, and now I wanted it back.

  I had to straighten out my life so I could get some stability. The more I tried to unravel the confusion, the more entangled I became. It’s like trying to escape a spider’s web when you are a fly. The web wasn’t created for escape; it was constructed to prevent escapes, struggling to get out brought you in again.

  “Sydney, do you believe what just happened?” Steven said, with a grin you could drive a truck through.

  “I was wondering how long it would take you to say something.”

  “I can’t believe how much they look alike,” Steven said shaking his head.

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know? Steven keep your eyes on the road.”

  “Are you going to tell him about Danny and the children?”

  “I don’t know. I have to think.”

  “Did he say when he was going to bring the pictures?”

  “I didn’t ask him. I was enthralled by his face and eyes.”

  “Oh Steven it’s starting again. I’m in a whirlwind and I don’t know what to do.”

  “I see you have two choices, tell him about his brother and you, in which he will not make any advances at you. On the other hand, you can tell him later, and see what happens. I know you are attracted to him, but you may not be his type. No, that is not quite right,” Steven said, trying to figure things out. “People say when you have a twin and they are identical, they feel the same things. Can you believe this Sydney, what are the odds?”

  “Steven you have just confused me more,” I said trying to make sense of Steven’s advice. I knew I was lost when I started soliciting advice from Steven. Steven has not been the same since the incident with Mr. X. Steven’s judgment is totally flawed.

  We arrived at my villa in time to tuck the babies in, and kiss them good night. Steven talked all night about our friends in New York.

  He revealed that Tracy married again and went back to England. She discovered her second husband was a homosexual. Tracy caught him in the act after coming home from Las Vegas. It must be something about the Las Vegas sun, Steven observed.

  Steven mentioned that he could have told Tracy her husband had sugar in his tank, and on the down low, but she never asked and he wasn’t going to ruin a marriage, well that’ll be the day.

  After offering to put the dishes away, I told Steven that the house staff gets upset when he tries to clean behind them. Therefore, the only thing left for him, rested on more questions.

  “Sydney are you going to see Danny in Venice?”

  “Why are you asking me this?”

  “I can’t believe you are considering not telling him about Jeremy,” Steven said in a mischievous voice.

  “Of course I’m going to tell him.”

  “I’m not trying to get in your business. I was just being a friend, Sydney.”

  “Well be a friend and let me go to bed.” I drifted away from Steven, with an unsteady walk, because of too much wine.

  I woke early, took a hot shower, dressed, walked to my terrace, held my hands to the side stretching, when I spotted a car cruising along the driveway, and in it sat Jeremy.

  He stopped the car at my door, walked to the back of the car and pulled three paintings out, walked to the door, then knocked. He paced in front of the door looking down, waiting for someone to answer.

  I saw the same stride I had seen with Danny. I saw a man that made my heart skip a beat, but I hadn’t seen this man in a long time. I came to realize that it was not Danny, and time had come to stop replacing men with what I wanted—Danny. I lived a lie throughout my life, and I couldn’t go into the next phase with deceit, lies, and vain existence.

  I ran to meet him in a handmade white cotton dress. I answered the door, and I smiled, and his eyes smiled at me. The children were still asleep. Everyone was asleep.

  “You are awake early,” I said in a soft voice.

  “I couldn’t sleep for thinking of you.”

  “Why are you thinking of me? We’ve just met.”

  “It is as if I’ve known you a lifetime.” I feared those words, but I made a promise. I had to tell him to free myself.

  “Do you know who I am?

  “You said your name is Sydney but you never told me your sir name.” He smiled once more and I thought that Danny was standing there in front of me.

  “My name is Sydney Benning.

  “I know your name from somewhere.” He thought a moment. “Yes, I heard my mother talk of you.” Jeremy said as he stepped inside and set the paintings down near the door.

  “Did she talk about Danny when she mentioned that name?”

  “Yes, now I know. That’s the same name of the woman they say Danny loved. The talk was she almost wreaked his life, but I said that if his life was wrecked, she did not do it. But you know how mothers are—always protective.”

  “Do you want to sit?” I asked.Jeremy found a chair looking into the garden. “I’m that woman,” I said in one breath.

  A strange look settled over his face, and he didn’t speak. One eyebrow raised as if wondering what next. He looked at me for the longest. I had seen that look once.

  People come into another’s life for different reasons. Why did he visit my life at this time? I wondered. “I hope I didn’t shock you, but I felt that I had to tell you the truth.”

  “It was a shock, but I’m use to bad news,” Jeremy admitted.

  “Well I have some more news for you. You are an uncle.”

  He sat up straight, “Th
at’s the best news anyone can receive. I haven’t seen my brother in fifteen years and now I can be a part of his child’s life, nothing can be better than that.”

  “Jeremy come in and sit with me in the kitchen, and I’ll cook you a Scottish breakfast.”

  “I’ll be interested in that lassie, because I thought American women didn’t cook because they ate out, or paid someone to cook for them.”

  “Well some of us cook,” I said taking his hand and leading him to the table.

  “We still don’t know that yet,” he said with a laugh, and I laughed with him. It was the first time I laughed in a year.

  Steven heard the noise and shouted that he would be down when breakfast was ready.

  “Steven is a dear friend. He came over to help me because of the death of my husband.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. Phillip Cross was your husband. I get the gossip magazines, because I wanted to know about Danny and it was always about you, Danny, and Phillip Cross.”

  “I haven’t seen Danny since mum left my father. She could only take one of us and she thought she could get Danny later, but me old man would not let her have Danny.”

  “Does Danny know this? I sensed something sad about Danny. I knew there had to be a reason why he stayed sad.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Sydney tell me something, why are you living in Italy?” Jeremy questioned.

  “I love the country. I came here to get away from everything. I met Phillip here, and we were married.”

  “I think you left something out.”

  “I don’t understand?”

  “You didn’t say that you fell in love.”

  There was a pause and a silence. I didn’t answer Jeremy. We reached for our cup of tea. We looked into each other’s eyes. We were struck with a feeling that could not be explained. The silence interrupted by the sound of Steven’s voice.

  “I smell food and …I didn’t know you had company.”

  “Jeremy, this is Steven, you met him last night.”

  “Great. Jeremy, anyone that can make Sydney smile is welcome and a friend of mine. I hope when I leave she will be in good hands.”