A Chieftain's Wife

by Leigh Ann Edwards

  Killian never left her side, he tried to talk to her though he was uncertain if his words got to whatever place her mind and heart were now. He’d had Rory ride to Castle O’Brien to fetch Alainn’s mother, in hopes Mara might heal her and, in the event she couldn’t be healed, to allow her to look upon her daughter once more.

  When Mara arrived she looked weary and disheartened, but she readily embraced her son-in-law and then went to Alainn’s side. She appeared distraught when she touched her skin.

  “She’s nearly on fire! Sure ’tis childbed fever, I must send everyone away momentarily so that I might assess her condition.

  Even Killian left them alone and when Mara came out of the chamber, she wore an expression of hopelessness and gloom.

  “It is childbed fever, as I suspected. Her body has become most purulent, the fever rages because of it, and the damage is most severe. If she survives this which I confess, I believe is perhaps doubtful at best...” Her words trailed off and Killian finished for her.

  “She’ll not carry a child again.” He said in a pained tone.

  “Aye, ’tis unlikely. And I believe if my daughter had the slightest will to survive it would be most helpful, for I believe not only does she not care to survive this, she does not intend to live through this! There are some herbal remedies I might employ to assist with the fever and the purulence, but I tell you plain, I cannot hope to heal her by way of my magic if the young druid healer isn’t able, for his abilities now far surpass my own.”

  “What can be done then; what can I do, Mara? I have talked to her both before and after she fell unconscious. I have told her how much I need her to come back to me; that together we can survive this tragedy!”

  “But have you told her you forgive her?”

  “Forgive her, why ever would I need to forgive her?”

  “She blames herself entirely for your son’s death. I hear it even now in her muddled and desperate thoughts.”

  “You must come quickly!” It was Mary who beckoned them back into the room.

  Alainn’s body was twitching violently. Danhoul appeared to be attempting to calm her, but to no avail. Killian’s heart ached, but his anger flared as well. He put his hand on her cheek and he pulled it away in great alarm.

  “Christ, ’tis true, she’s burnin’ up! We must cool her down somehow.”

  He thought of the frozen ground outside. For ever since they’d arrived back to their castle an unusual coldspell had hit, and the ground had been covered with bitter frost each morning. The pond near the north solar had been covered with ice this morning. He startled everyone in the room when he took Alainn in his arms and started carrying her out of the bedchamber.

  “What do you intend to do, Killian?” Mary asked.

  Mara said nothing, but she followed close behind. Soon Danhoul was striding beside him as well.

  “What are you doing, Killian?” He questioned with concern in his voice.

  He answered no one, but continued on with determined steps. When he reached the pond, he saw the ice had melted, but it was surely still severely cold.

  He startled everyone further when he walked to his knees within the frigid water and then immersed Alainn beneath the ice water and held her there. Danhoul attempted to dissuade him.

  “The extreme temperature difference may very well stop your wife’s heart!” He sternly warned. “You’re liable to kill her!”

  “Aye, well I suspect she’s on death’s door now, at any rate!” Killian raged.

  Mary was crying fitfully. Mara stood by and waited, for she knew well enough what he was doing might be necessary and perhaps even beneficial.

  Killian’s voice was filled with anger and exasperation as he began to speak to his young wife. “You want to be dead, then I’ll appease you woman! You long to go to the beyond and leave me to mourn the death of both of you; so be it!” His voice came out in ragged sobs.

  “Killian O’Brien, you horrid man; leave her alone, this is unforgivable and unthinkable!” Mary hollered as she stood on the edge of the pond.

  He turned and blared at her. “This is unforgivable; if you recall it was only weeks ago you wished Alainn dead, Mary O’Brien!”

  The words hit her as surely as if the man had slapped her in the face and she stepped back in dismay.

  When Alainn started coughing and sputtering, Danhoul spoke next. “Killian, ’tis enough, remove her from the water now!” When Killian continued holding her in the icy water, Danhoul threateningly rebuked him. “Killian, you must discontinue your present actions or I swear I’ll run you through with my sword, for strong as you might be, you’ll surely not be able to hold Alainn under the water and offer me much battle.”

  “Well perhaps you’d be doin’ me a kind favor at that, Danhoul!”

  There was unhidden anguish in Killian’s voice, but relief in his eyes when Alainn had finally started fighting him. She was slapping at his arms and although it was ineffectual in her weakened condition, it was enough to show him she still had some fight left in her, that somewhere deep within her, even in her despairing state and failing health, she maintained the will to survive.

  He pulled her out of the frigid water as she shivered and shook, but continued to hit at him. And he felt so completely overcome with emotion he passed his drenched and shivering young wife to Danhoul, and headed toward the stables where he could be alone with his own sorrow.

  He prayed she would truly survive this grave malady and fully recover. After all they had been through, he hoped that one day they would meet this unspeakable tragedy together and, in so doing, perhaps their once powerful and passionate love would be renewed once more.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  “This is reprehensible, Mara!” Mary offered her empassioned opinion, “In truth, it is ludicrous! I dinna ken why Alainn insists on spending all her days and nights in that dreadful tower. There are no windows, the bed is small and hard, she may as well sleep upon the stone floor, and the hearth is surely of an ineffectual proportion to the chamber. The pitifully small fire does not offer any comfort.”

  “Aye, well, ’tis certain the chamber was only intended to hold prisoners or to be used by soldiers during rare times of invasions by opposing clans. There are no windows as it was meant to keep out the enemy, only the narrow slits that would allow arrows to be propelled at oncoming invading armies. The tower was not built for comfort.”

  “Why does Alainn not sleep in her own grand bedchamber, and why do Killian and Alainn barely speak to each other? They should be sharing their grief and comforting each other. It has been almost a moon since they lost the bairn and nearly a fortnight that she’s spent in that damnable chamber. And why doesn’t Killian simply insist she come out of there? She just sits staring into nothingness; she won’t even speak to me.”

  “I am much aware, Mary, you are rightly concerned for her, for both of them, as am I. But grief is a lonely, desolate emotion and not everyone approaches it in the same manner. Alainn purposely chose the unpleasant tower chamber. I would suggest she is doing penance for the guilt she feels in losing the child. She blames herself, and Killian can’t come to terms with it, for although he feels guilt as well, I believe a part of him does blame Alainn. And she knows that well enough. Until he can forgive her, I doubt they shall ever make it through this. And Alainn has in no way begun to accept her grief. Killian tells me she has not yet shed a tear for her lost wee son. And, until she does, her heart will not ever begin to heal.”

  Mary dabbed her swollen eyes with her handkerchief and listened as Mara spoke on.

  “Alainn is also an empath which indicates she feels others pain. When in the presence of others who are saddened over the loss of the babe, she experiences their pain. When Killian is near her she endures his pain as well as her own, and it is an insufferable sorrow to bear. I believe she has begun to numb herself so she feels nothing. And you needn’t take it personally that she will not see or speak with you for Alainn has scarcely uttered two word
s to me in these weeks I have been here.”

  “Killian tells me you soon intend to journey back to Castle O’Brien. How could you possibly think of leaving Alainn? Do ye not think it would be best to stay until your daughter is healed?”

  “If I thought my being here was assisting her even in the vaguest manner, I would stay for as long as I was needed, but Alainn and I have never been close, not really. I have loved her with all my heart throughout her life, but she has not yet forgiven me for giving her to others when she was only an infant. I did it to ensure she had a better life, but no matter the reason, she feels I abandoned her. I know she was anticipating motherhood with immense joy. It saddens my heart beyond measure to know that she may never be allowed that great pleasure now!”

  “For certain, there’ll never be other children if she and Killian are seldom in the same room together, they won’t be sharing a bed any time soon. And they had such a grand passion for one another.”

  “In time, I’m certain it will be restored.”

  “You ladies appear deep in conversation!” It was Killian who had approached them in the great hall and Mary started at his deep voice.

  “What do you have in your arms?” She questioned.

  “Tis a dog... a setter. McEwan’s bitch had a litter of puppies. I was wonderin’ if Alainn might care to see one. I know wee animals often offer comfort, and Alainn has always had such a deep affection for animals. I know how she’s missed havin’ a dog around since she lost Wolf!”

  “Since you stabbed it through the heart!” Mara stated in an accusatory tone.

  “Well it was goin’ to kill my wife; I had little choice!” Killian bristled.

  “Aye, so I’m told, but did my daughter forgive you for it then, for slaying her valued animal when she understood the reason for it?”

  “Aye, of course she did. It hurt her, but she did!”

  Realization dawned on his handsome face. “Are you comparin’ the loss of an old dog to the loss of our wee son; for if you are then I’ll not be wantin’ to carry on with this conversation, Mara, by Christ?”

  “I’m only talkin’ about forgiveness, no matter what the reason. ’Tis a most powerful inducement to the healin’ to be forgiven for what deeds a person feels entirely responsible for. What if you wife had caused you to feel guilty for slaying her cherished dog even knowing it couldn’t be helped, even knowing that you did what you felt you must?”

  “She had a choice, Mara. Alainn surely had a choice, and I’ll not discuss this further.”

  “And if she’d chosen differently, lest it be in the beyond, you’d not be discussin’ anything ever again, Killian O’Brien!”

  Killian’s rancor was evident on his face and he set the small animal down upon the floor as he marched angrily toward Mara.

  “Mary, I would ask you to leave Mara and I alone for a time, for sure you’d rather not hear the remainder of this discussion!”

  Mary’s brown eyes grew wide, but she obeyed and left the hall in great haste. Killian waited until he was certain the other woman could hear no more of what was being said. He towered over Mara as he stood beside her.

  “Do you think I’m not well aware Alainn saved my life; and the lives of a hundred men or more from many clans? Do you think I don’t know she willfully made the choice because of her great love for me? And do you know the guilt I feel in realizing the pain she is sufferin’ is actually because of me? And, in truth, I can’t make myself feel glad she made the choice she did. You might think me a callous, unfeeling man but, no, I can’t forgive her for it, not yet! For ’tis a man that is supposed to protect his woman, and sure ’tis up to a mother to keep her unborn child safe!”

  “Back at Castle O’Brien when my daughter was poisoned and dying and I asked you if I should administer the antidote knowing it would surely kill the child, you had no qualms giving it to her. You obviously held her life in higher regard than the child!”

  “Tis not comparable in the least, Mara! The child would have died either way, in that instance. I would have lost both of them!”

  “Aye, well, truth be told, I don’t think Alainn intended to live though this. I believe she thought if she lost the child she, too, would die, and then she would not have been made to live with the guilt she feels now, or the guilt you inflict upon her!”

  “I’ve never let her know I hold her responsible in any way. I’ve never even admitted it to myself, so I’m not sure why I’m declarin’ it to you this day.”

  “Because you need to speak aloud of your grief and loss as does Alainn, and if you can’t do so, if you aren’t able to soon work through it together, to mend your hearts together, the greater the chance you never will. And that would be a travesty, for the two of you share a love few lay claim to.”

  Killian was silent for a time as he tried to take in all the woman words when she spoke once more.

  “She speaks to your priest on occasion; I think she finds some solace in that! You might try the same, for I recall how your prayers aided you at Castle O’Brien when Alainn was near death.”

  “Aye, well, I don’t feel so inclined to speak with the priest or with God at the moment!”

  “So ’tis great anger you feel toward God and everyone, includin’ Alainn! Well, ’tis something I suppose, for Alainn allows herself to feel nothing bar guilt. She will need to embrace her own hidden anger, and then her deeply buried sorrow and sure you will be the only one who can ensure she is made to feel both. My presence here is not necessary, Killian O’Brien, for I can do nothing to heal her heart; that is entirely up to you.”

  “Christ, I don’t begin to know how to allow my own heart to heal, what help can I be to Alainn?”

  “Just go to her and tell her you love her; that would be a tremendous beginning toward her healing.”

  He did not answer, but appeared deep in thought.

  “When was the last time you saw her, Killian?” Mara quizzed.

  He seemed disinclined to respond.

  “I’d suggest it has been days, and I’d wager it’s been a good deal longer since you actually looked at her. You might do that, for I fear you’d find her condition most disturbing!”

  “What do you indicate by that? Danhoul told me she was beginning to heal.”

  “Aye, her fever has gone, her bleeding has nearly stopped and the purulence seems to have lessened, to be certain. But you should actually let your eyes fall upon her and then decide for yourself if she is on the path to healing! And be warned, the fire must be kept constantly burning in the tower’s chamber.”

  Killian bent to retrieve the whining puppy who now sat at his feet. He noticed the many wet messes upon the floor.

  Mara observed them as well and commented. “Alainn is not yet ready or capable of caring for anyone or anything as she is not doin’ an adequate job of carin’ for herself at the moment, but it is hoped one day she will.”

  Killian was obviously deep in thought as he turned away from the woman.

  “Have you heard that Thomas O’Donaugh, your uncle’s physician, has proposed marriage to me?”

  He looked back at her as he responded. “No, I didn’t know that, Mara. So have you accepted then?”

  “No, I am thinkin’ on it, but in my heart I still love Alainn’s father and I still hold on to the far-off hope he might one day return. I know how foolhearted that must sound, when it has been past eighteen years he has been gone now. Part of me wants to have the presence of a man in my life, the warmth of a man in my bed, but I know within my heart, there is really only one man I’ll ever love. And I’m not sure I can do that to Thomas, to join our fates when I can’t love him entirely.”

  “Tis a difficult decision, I’m certain!” Killian’s eyes held some warmth and understanding as he looked at his wife’s mother.

  “You know the druid and magical healer, young Danhoul, has deep feelings toward my daughter? Don’t push her away and force her to seek comfort in his arms.”

  “She would not!” Kil
lian sounded appalled at the very suggestion.

  “Men seek comfort for broken hearts in the beds of other women most regularly. Don’t take too long to forgive her, Killian, for you would be loath to lose her, and she you!”

  “I’ll take that into consideration, Mara!” he said as he carried the yelping puppy out the door.

  The rest of that day, Killian’s thoughts were filled almost entirely with the conversation he’d had with Mara. She’d been correct about one thing for certain. He was angry! So angry, he felt ready to break into an uncommon rage most of the time. His temper was harsh and quick and he could barely bring himself to be near Alainn for his anger was not only directed at God and the English, but at her as well. And he was ashamed to think he couldn’t actually remember the last time he’d looked in on Alainn. Had it been days?

  Eireen and Mara diligently cared for her, and Danhoul had healed her to the best of his ability. He was aware Mary visited daily. But it nagged at him when he recalled Mara speaking of Alainn’s present physical state and finally, later that evening, he decided he would check in on her when he completed his ledgers. But, as he sat at his large table, as he worked at the many figures, drinking his whiskey, he found himself nodding off, and then he fell into an unusually deep sleep, the first time since their tragedy had occurred.

  Somewhere in the distance, he was almost certain he heard several loud voices shouting and the urgent pounding of fists upon doors, but he couldn’t seem to make himself wake up.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  As his head rested upon his arms, Killian began to hear a persistent tapping beside him. He felt some annoyance at this, for he simply longed to remain in this long desired deep sleep. And then he felt his tunic being tugged upon, his arm being repeatedly poked, and soon after his hair being pulled. With great difficulty, he was riled when he sleepily roused and was startled to see a spirit girl before him.