The Cowboy Soldier

by Roz Denny Fox

  “Oh? Are you being considered for the study?”

  “Alexa, I had to come back. This is one of the few places where I can really breathe.”

  He realized he hadn’t answered her question. She wouldn’t like him being evasive. At least Compadre was happy to have him back.

  “Do you think you can just pop in without warning?” she asked.

  “No. I…hoped for starters you’d let me continue training Esperanza.” Rafe decided this was not the time to mention the possibility of being partners. “Hell, I’ll even feed your goats.”

  HE HATED THE GOATS. Alexa took a closer look at Rafe. His eyes were dull, and his face more gaunt than she remembered. If he’d come back full of spit and vinegar, she would have turned him away without a thought. After all, he’d practically thrown her out of Sierra’s the last time they’d been together. Maybe that’s what made him uncertain about her reaction. As much as she’d like to say yes, she waffled. “I’ve got lots to do to prepare the ranch for winter.” It was the same excuse she’d given her mother for staying home instead of traveling to Houston for Thanksgiving. Really she’d moped about, hoping to hear from Rafe.

  “I can help,” he said, sounding eager.“Well, the horses are getting shortchanged. Jim Buckley still wants Esperanza for his daughter. He came by last week, and was pleased with all you’d done with her.”

  “Great! So, is that a yes I can stay, or a maybe?” The news about Buckley obviously bolstered Rafe’s ego.

  She eased out a rough sigh. “I suppose we can try it for a while.”

  Was he hiding a smile? Alexa wondered. “Shall I go stow my duffel in the room I had before?” he asked.

  “It’s as you left it. Compadre, go with Rafe.” Alexa gave the dog a hand signal he understood and the two took off. Instead of going straight back to unloading bales, Alexa narrowed her eyes and stared after the retreating pair. What had gone on at Sierra’s, or the VA, she wondered? Rafe was acting so contrite. But he walked with the old confidence. She sighed and decided to let him talk in his own time. Donning her gloves, she threw her muscle into emptying the pickup.

  IT TOOK THE REST OF THAT week for Alexa to get back into the work routine she and Rafe had established before he left. Erratic storms forced them to spend more time indoors, and Rafe carved endless animals.

  She swept up the piles of shavings herself. Although Rafe spoke with her as they went about their day, she sensed something was bothering him and was reluctant to push him in any way.Alexa took advantage of their time indoors to mix potions from her dried herbs and pour candles for the winter months. She also canned the last fruit she bought at the store. As the week progressed, she noticed Rafe did more aimless pacing. She sealed a final jar of pears, and then washed up.

  “Rafe, we can go to the hot springs even in the rain. It’s covered and I have umbrellas for the walk there.”

  “No,” he said, clearly testy.

  Alexa noticed he hadn’t brought up the subject of additional treatments. She wondered why. “Last night I mixed a new batch of oil with patchouli and sandalwood, guaranteed to relax you. Or, are you interested in trying another acupuncture treatment?”

  “I’m not here for doctoring, Alexa. I guess I didn’t make that clear enough.” He fidgeted, looking uncomfortable. “I…ah, had in mind to invest in your horse training operation. I was thinking maybe we could expand into the quarter horse trade.”

  That stunned Alexa. He didn’t want any more treatments from her? Maybe his visit to the VA had convinced him Ms. Holmes had spoken the truth after all. A pain stabbed through her.

  “Why would you think I need a business partner?” she said curtly. “In case you hadn’t noticed, I get along fine on my own. It looks as if the rain’s let up. I’m going out to release the great horned owl.”

  She walked over to get her rubber boots and a raincoat, and Rafe followed her, putting a hand on the door so she couldn’t leave. “Alexa, I don’t want you to be my doctor.”

  He’d made that clear already. “I understood that. Now let go of the door. I said I’m going to release the owl.”

  “Another owl? I thought you let the big one go the day Sierra came and brought that Holmes woman from the VA.”

  “Same owl.” Alexa would be darned if she’d admit to Rafe that his leaving had shaken her faith in herself and her ability to heal. “It was too early then. He’s a beautiful, gentle creature. I needed to be absolutely sure he can hunt on his own, but I have to do this now—before really bad weather sets in.”

  “Can I tag along?” Rafe shrugged into the raincoat he’d brought with him, the kind cowboys wore with a split up the back for riding in the rain.

  His company was the last thing Alexa wanted, but it would be downright mean to tell him that. However, she didn’t have it in her to be mean just because he didn’t trust her to doctor him. “Remember, Compadre has to stay here. Owls are nervous creatures so you’ll have to keep back until I see if he makes the effort to hunt.”

  “How will you do that?”

  “I have some field mice I bought for this purpose.”

  “You’re sacrificing defenseless field mice?” Alexa knew he was teasing by the grin on his face.

  She jabbed his ribs with a sharp elbow, a little harder than she’d intended.

  “Hey, I was kidding, okay?”

  Inside the small barn, she carried the owl’s cage to the door. “Weeks ago I removed his wing splint. Oh, aren’t you the most beautiful bird,” she crooned, still reluctant to open the cage. “What if he hasn’t mended well enough to survive on his own?” she muttered.

  “Softie,” Rafe teased. “You can speculate forever, Alexa. You won’t know for certain if his wing is healed until you open that cage door and watch him fly away.”

  “It’s time.” The night air felt thick with the increased humidity as they walked outside.

  RAFE FINALLY HEARD the creak of the cage door. His cheeks were fanned by a rush of air as the bird lifted off. Rafe didn’t stay back but moved in behind Alexa and put his hands on her shoulders to steady her because he couldn’t miss the catch in her throat

  “He flew up into a tall cedar,” Alexa told him. “Okay, it’s time to release the field mice.” She grabbed a small cage. “I always give them a fighting chance to hide. There they go! Uh-oh, I think he spotted his food. No, I can’t tell where he went. The clouds dropped. I can’t see him,” Alexa said plaintively.Rafe turned her and pulled her against his chest. She was still holding the cage and it banged his hip, but he didn’t care. “Do you see any movement?” he asked her, feeling her lift her head. In the night gloom he couldn’t make out any shapes.

  “I’m afraid it’s gotten too dark,” Alexa said unhappily.

  “Why didn’t you wait and release him in the morning?”

  “This is an owl’s prime time to hunt. They see best in the dark.”

  “Unlike me,” Rafe quipped, hoping to break the tension.

  “Rafe, I’m sorry. I know you live day and night in the dark.”

  “It’s okay.” He raked a kiss across Alexa’s hair. “I never want you to hold back saying anything on my account. It’s bad to keep things bottled up. I know—I speak from experience.”

  “You mean because you don’t talk about the war?”

  “Partly. I meant…” He seemed to scrabble for words.

  Alexa locked the barn then came back to stand beside him. “If you don’t trust me with your insecurities, that’s okay, Rafe. But you should talk to someone. I can truthfully say I felt better after I told you about my ordeal with Bobby and his parents.”

  As they started toward the house, Rafe slipped an arm around Alexa’s waist. “I know that wasn’t easy, Alexa. When I think about losing my friends Joey and Mike, something inside me shuts down.”

  “Believe me, I hear you. Bobby was my very best friend, remember.”

  It was time for Rafe to unburden his conscience. “People say I’m a hero, Alexa, but I didn’t act l
ike one with Mike and Joey.”

  “I know that’s bogus,” she said. “I read the reports from your men. You did everything you could to save as many of them as possible.”

  “I’m not sure about that, but I’ve been a coward since I’ve come back. Their folks practically adopted me. Mike’s mom asked to visit me when I got Stateside but I refused. I couldn’t face her, Alexa. Or Joey’s parents and his wife. Joey’s mom wrote me a letter. I had a nurse return it unopened. If that doesn’t make me lily-livered, what does?”

  “It makes you human,” Alexa said, squeezing his hand and laying her head lightly on his shoulder. “But, one day, for your own sake, you do need to talk to them.”

  “I’ve thought a zillion times about asking Sierra to take me down there. If nothing else, they probably need to know if the account the army gave them was true. Alexa, you said Bobby’s parents blamed you for his death. I’m not sure I could handle it if Joey and Mike’s families think I didn’t do enough. Maybe they’ll resent me for not dying.”

  “Rafe, no parent would think that. Bobby’s folks never liked me. I’m sure your friends’ parents just need closure. So do you.” She paused at the kitchen door. “It’s a huge step, Rafe, but if you want, I’ll drive you to Terlingua anytime. Catch your back.”

  “I should go,” he mumbled as she opened the door and Compadre charged out. “If I leave loose ends I’ll never move forward with my life. The neurologist made that point on my last VA visit.”

  “This is one hurdle I’d be glad to help with, Rafe.”

  He had to act fast before he had second thoughts. “Can we go tomorrow?”

  “I’d be honored, Rafe. We can leave right after I feed the animals.”

  “It’s going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done,” he admitted. “I’ll probably try to back out, Alexa. Don’t let me.”

  “If you back out you’ll have to feed the goats.”

  Rafe let a minute tick past. Compadre trotted back and they all went inside. “I thought maybe you hadn’t noticed. Nothing gets by you, I guess.”

  “I know the smell of goats takes you back to a place you’d rather forget. That’s a head issue, Rafe. Visiting Mike and Joey’s families is an issue of the heart—a whole different matter. Although, come to think of it, I’m not great at dealing with either.”

  Rafe wondered if she was still talking about Bobby. Sobered, he took Dog and went to get ready for bed. How would Alexa react if he told her the reason he had to face his friend’s families and rid his heart of pain was so he could make room to love her? One thing at a time. But, he’d have to get around to that soon.

  THE SUN CAME AND WENT behind fast moving clouds on the drive to Terlingua. The nearer they got to Rafe’s childhood town, the more nervous he grew. He kept rubbing his sweaty hands over his denim-clad thighs.

  “You’re going to wear out the fabric of your jeans, Rafe,” Alexa said.She didn’t miss a thing, Rafe thought, ducking his chin to avoid Compadre’s wet tongue.

  “Even the dog knows you’re upset today, Rafe. Hey, we’re at the address you gave me for Mike Herrera’s parents. There’s a car in the carport.” Alexa pulled her pickup into the driveway then turned to straighten Rafe’s collar. “I don’t mind going in with you,” she said quietly.

  “I’d appreciate that,” Rafe said, trying to calm the quaking that seemed to be overtaking his big frame.

  But his fears were unfounded. He knew Mike’s mother was a short round woman with dark eyes and dark hair, and when she opened the door, she grabbed him close, smothering him in hugs, her tears dampening his shirt. “The army told Big Mike and me you’d lost your sight, Rafe. We knew you must be having a tough time when you didn’t come to Mike or Joey’s funerals. I tried to visit you once, but they turned me away.”

  Rafe’s throat tightened and he couldn’t speak, but Alexa took over for him. “We brought small flags to place on the men’s graves, Mrs. Herrera. I’m Alexa Robinson, by the way.”

  “Oh…Alexa, I can’t thank you enough for bringing Rafe all this way.”

  “It was Rafe’s idea, totally,” Alexa injected.

  The woman held on to Rafe. “Your unit’s colonel gave us Mike’s medal. He told us what a terrible ambush you all got caught in. Last time Mike was home on leave, all he could talk about was how you three finally got to be together. Mike loved being a jeep gunner. He said he couldn’t ever come back to live in Terlingua. His dad and I felt he was saying goodbye one way or another. That’s why I tried to see you. I…wanted you to know that, Rafe.”

  “Thanks, Mama Herrera.” Rafe enveloped the stout woman in a bear hug. “Nothing has hurt me more than losing Mike and Joey.” Tears spilled down his face. “God, I would have changed places with them in a heartbeat.”

  “I know that. So do the Verdugos. Don’t know if anyone’s told you Joey’s wife had a baby girl after Joey died. The two of them live with Chuck and Marta. In a lot of ways that’s made it easier for them to bear Joey’s loss, but…”

  Rafe could tell by her voice that she couldn’t continue. “Joey flashed around pictures of his wife,” he said. “He was crazy in love. I can’t believe he didn’t brag about being a dad.”

  “Joey never knew, but I should let them tell you. Getting in touch was harder from Afghanistan than when you boys were in Iraq. When the army gave Maci Ann Joey’s personal effects, there were two unopened letters that she’d written to tell him the news. They both arrived at your base camp after you left to go on that last patrol.”

  “How sad,” Alexa murmured, hurriedly taking Rafe’s hand. “Mrs. Herrera, we hate to make this such a quick visit, but we need to stop at the Verdugos and still have time to run by the cemetery, then get back to the Big Bend area before the weather turns bad.”

  Rafe couldn’t believe Joey hadn’t known he was going to be a dad. He knew Alexa had picked up on his grief and had stepped in to bail him out yet again.

  Mike’s mom hugged Rafe one last time. “You drive careful, hear? And if you get down this way again, plan to stay longer. Come back when Big Mike’s home. You boys spent so much time together, having you survive is like getting lucky with one of three sons.”

  Rafe blinked hard all the way to the Verdugos. There the scene was pretty much a repeat of Mrs. Herrera’s effusive welcome. Only Maci Ann Verdugo, Joey’s wife, asked the hard questions. “Why were Joey and Mike killed by the first rocket blast if you were their leader?”

  “They volunteered to ride point,” Rafe explained. “They did that a lot. It’s like asking why Joey rode bulls. He sought out danger. As their ranking officer, I brought up the rear in the last Humvee. The front of our patrol had rounded a bend. I…got there too late….” Every ounce of Rafe’s regrets hung heavily in the air.

  Joey’s mother, holding her granddaughter, deftly led Rafe and Alexa out of the house. “Rafe, I hope you excuse Maci Ann. She doesn’t know you like we do. She also feels guilty for not reaching Joey as soon as she learned she was pregnant.”

  “I understand, Marta. I swear if I could turn back the clock on that day, I would.”

  “I know, Rafe. And heaven can see you’ve got trouble of your own. We feel blessed to have our sweet little Jolie. You can’t see her, Rafe, but she’s the spitting image of her daddy at the same age.”

  A gust of wind skittered oak leaves across the sidewalk, the sound making Rafe uneasy. Once again Alexa seemed to pick up on his mood.

  “Mrs. Verdugo,” she said. “Rafe and I are going to put out flags at the cemetery. Please make clear to Maci Ann that Mike and Joey were like Rafe’s brothers. He lost his best friends that day.”

  Joey’s mother patted Rafe’s cheek. “Lordy, I know that. You take care of this one.” She leaned closer to Alexa. “Many a day I’ve thought the one left behind has it the hardest.”

  At the cemetery, Rafe knelt at each grave. He wept, and Alexa wept watching him. As they headed home, the sky opened and rain poured down as if in sympathy. Both Alexa and R
afe said little, lost in their own thoughts.

  “They’re nice people,” Rafe said as Alexa turned onto the winding road that led to her ranch. “Thank you for taking me,” he added. “It was a long-overdue trip. Cathartic.”

  “You’re welcome. I’m proud of you, Rafe. Most people aren’t aware that sometimes living is tougher than dying. Mrs. Herrera and Mrs. Verdugo know that.”

  “Not Joey’s wife.”

  “She’s young. It’ll take her time to heal.”

  “It must be tough being a young widow,” Rafe said sadly. “With a baby to raise alone.”

  “Not alone. Her baby has doting grandparents. She’s luckier than many.”

  Rafe ran a restless hand over Compadre’s curly coat and drifted back into silence.

  “WE’RE HOME,” ALEXA announced around a sigh. “You go on in. I need to check the animals. There’s been lightning off in the distance and I hear the first roll of thunder. These electric storms affect the wild animals more than the horses. It’s their instinct to burrow in and they can’t do that in cages.”

  “I get antsy, too,” Rafe admitted. “I want to help, Alexa.”They did their best to settle the animals by covering their cages and dashed back inside the house seconds ahead of the rain.

  A flash of lightning lit an otherwise black kitchen and Alexa clicked the light switch a few times. “Darn, the power’s out.” She was breathing hard and so was Rafe. In a way, the storm was a fitting end to a tough day.

  “Hey, the darkness puts us on equal footing,” Rafe said, teasing as he angled Alexa’s face up to his.

  Alexa felt as if the lightning had followed them inside. Her stomach quivered, and her heart felt electrified as his thumbs stroked back and forth across her cheekbones.

  “I can’t find words for what I feel, Alexa,” he said. “Uplifted. Humbled.”

  “I understand.” She ran her hands up and over Rafe’s wide shoulders. That’s when it really dawned on her. “Rafe, I don’t want to be your doctor now.”