A Silent Prayer

by Samreen Ahsan

  “Now everyone come to the table, please,” Mike says. “Lasagna doesn’t taste good if it’s cold, and my beautiful friend has put lots of effort into making it for us.” Luckily, I have a table for four, so we settle down with the men sitting on either side of me. Everyone is quiet. I see Adam controlling his frustration, but I have no idea what he is thinking right now. All I see in his eyes is too much worry for me. Why can’t he trust Mike?

  I’m sure Mike will handle the situation in the best way. Finally, my best friend breaks the heavy silence.

  “Mmm…” Mike says, as he takes a bite of lasagna. “Where are your hands?”

  “Huh?” I look at him quizzically. Mike takes my hand and kisses it gently.

  “Never miss an opportunity to kiss a woman who cooks for you. You are the best cook on this planet. God! I love this dish.” He takes another bite, like a famished beast. I giggle at him and look at Adam, who is looking daggers at him. Mike totally ignores Adam’s gaze. “Will you pack this up for me—I mean, the leftovers? Then I can have it for lunch too.”

  Adam observes us, quietly. He looks as if he feels like a fish out of water—not part of the conversation. What’s eating him?

  “Don’t you like it, Gibson?” Mike asks him innocently.

  As I take a sip of my juice, Adam looks at me and speaks. “I know she’s a wonderful cook. She made me lunch today, but I have other ways to thank and praise her. I will do it my way, once you leave.” With that, the juice gets stuck in my throat and I start coughing hard. I will do it my way. What the hell does that mean? Adam rubs my back and tells me to look up at the ceiling. Does he have any idea what he just said in front of Mike? What is he going to think of me? Mike doesn’t say anything, but I easily get the message from his eyes. I look down at my plate. Luckily, Mike changes the topic and shares a story about a woman who accused her man of having relationships with other women. His stories lighten up the atmosphere, making it easier for all of us to breathe.

  With some of the jokes, I see Adam’s lips curving at the corners, bringing his beautiful smile to his face. I see the tension leaving him. I have Mike to thank for that. If he weren’t here, the situation could have gone out of control. How well he handled Adam, and me. He is definitely a true friend. We all finally start to talk about different topics, other than us.

  “Have you ever thought of becoming a professional chef, Rania?” Adam asks me, out of nowhere. I scan Adam’s expression, wondering if he’s kidding. “I would like to finance something in the food business. How about I open up a fancy restaurant and you be the head chef. Hire your own staff, train the people the way you cook. What do you say?” I blink at Adam’s unexpected question, not sure what to say.

  “That sounds awesome. I’ll be the first customer,” Mike interrupts with excitement.

  “I haven’t thought about it, Adam.” I look at both of them, back and forth. “I cook for pleasure. Never thought of it as a profession. I have no degree—”

  “You have got flavor in your hands, baby. You know how to charge a taste bud and make someone crazy over your food.” Mike compliments me in his own way and looks toward Adam. “I agree with you, Adam. She should pursue this as a career. She is wasting this talent feeding us.” Mike winks at me. “Stop working with Dad. This is a real business. People won’t stop eating till the world ends.” I laugh at Mike’s witticism. Adam watches me intently, and they both wait for my response.

  “Are you guys serious?”

  “I am always serious with you, Rania. What makes you think I was joking?” Adam’s heated gaze penetrates through my eyes, down to my stomach, giving me hard knots. There is no biological connection between eyes and stomach. How does he do it? Damn it!

  “I never thought about it. But thanks for appreciating my dinner to that level.” I take a sip from my glass and smile at both the men for being so encouraging to me.

  “Did you ask Ben about the holidays?” Adam changes the topic suddenly.

  “No.” I look at Mike, and then back to Adam. “I didn’t get a chance after you left. I will ask him later.”

  “Any message for Dad?” Mike looks at me with concern.

  “No, thanks. I will speak to him myself,” I say in a low tone.

  “Let him tell Ben. That’s fine.” Adam faces Mike. “Rania and I are taking off for two weeks. You just tell your father that she’ll be back to work after Christmas.” He takes a sip and continues. “Anyhow, she hasn’t taken a vacation in years.”

  Mike looks at me quizzically, searching for the truth in my eyes. “Are you guys going somewhere?”

  “Yes and no.” Adam smiles, but looks at me. He takes my hand and continues. “Rania has promised to give me two weeks of her life. We’re not going out of town, just spending time with each other, to get to know each other better. Right, babes?” Babes? Is he doing this on purpose for Mike’s benefit? I see Mike’s jaw dropping with shock. He wasn’t expecting this. “So with all this trouble and tension, I guess this is the best time to escape and relax. What do you say, Rania?” Adam smiles at me with warm indulgence.

  I have no other choice then to smile back at him hesitantly. I know Mike wants to talk to me in private, but I don’t know how it is going to be possible. Adam doesn’t plan to leave tonight, and I don’t want him to go either. I’m as addicted to him as he is to me. I can’t even name this feeling. After Mike takes his last bite, he looks at me.

  “Do you have anything for dessert?” He questions me like a child. I shake my head.

  “Then let’s go for an ice cream.” He flashes his smile at me. I smile at Mike and then look at Adam for his answer.

  “You already had lots of ice cream last night with Eva.” So is that a yes or no? I look back to Mike and he mouths silently, control freak. I purse my lips to stifle my laughter. I don’t want Adam to feel we are talking about him, in front of him.

  “It seems like some people have calorie issues here.” Mike leans back in the chair. His phone rings, and he answers it. “Yes? Okay… hmm… all right… I’m on my way.” He ends the call and looks at me. “Duty calls, my love.” His look is annoyed. “I have to go, but you still owe me dessert. I’ll stop by one evening and we’ll go out.” He ignores Adam and kisses my forehead.

  “Wait. Let me pack the lasagna for you, Mike.” I go into the kitchen with the dish, and Mike follows me.

  “You didn’t tell me you were going on vacation with him.” Mike’s voice is just above a whisper. “He is a total control freak. How can you stand him?”

  I look back to him, while taking out a storage box from the cabinet. “He’s a nice guy.”

  “Hell yeah! Maybe he is, but don’t let him control you, Rania. He’s acting like your master or something.”

  I laugh at Mike. “Oh God! You sound like it’s a BDSM relationship.”

  “It looks like it to me, and I still don’t believe that he hasn’t touched you. He eats and drinks you, Rania.” He passes his fingers through his hair. “If he ever hurts you, will you let me know?” He takes me by the shoulders to get my attention.

  “I will never hurt her, Mike,” Adam interrupts. He’s standing at the corner of the kitchen with his arms are crossed, leaning against the wall. Shit! How long has he been listening? “And I will not control her against her will.” Adam stands here calm and composed, watching both of us attentively. Mike moves away from me and picks up the storage box of leftovers.

  “You better not. I have my eye on you, Gibson.” He looks keenly at Adam and then proceeds to the door. I ignore Adam’s gaze on me and follow Mike to say goodbye. He gives me a hug. It is always nice to hug him and feel the warmth and security of his arms.

  I shut the door and head to the dining room to clear everything from the table. Adam still stands there, at the entrance to the kitchen, eyeing me speculatively. He finally moves, helping me clear the dishes. I load the dirty dis
hes into the dishwasher and clean up the mess. As I start to leave the kitchen, he blocks my way, looking at me in a very strange way. Mike is right; he is looking at me like he is drinking me. I avert my eyes from him, but his gaze still penetrates me as he moves closer. He cups my face with his hand, caressing my cheek with his thumb. Why do my knees always feel so weak when he touches me like that? Why doesn’t my body obey my mind? Damn me!

  His touch makes it hard to breathe. He looks at me keenly, his green eyes burning like fire, ripping my existence apart, peeling off my clothes, tearing through my flesh and bones directly to my soul. He touches my lips with his thumb, rubbing my lower lip gently, sending hot threads of desire along every nerve.

  “You know, Rania, you are like a fire.” He flicks his index finger gently on my face. My eyes close at his touch. “Open your eyes, Rania, I’m talking to you.” His voice is like a whisper, but heavy on my ears, breaking down my barriers, revealing the real woman in me. How can I open my eyes, if he keeps on touching me like this? I manage to look at him. “You are a fire,” he repeats. “I feel your warmth and compassion when I’m close to you, but when I touch you…” He pauses for a moment, touching my trembling lips with hunger, then continues, “When I touch you… I burn.” What kind of revelation is that? I don’t know what he is talking about. “You’re making me change my beliefs on worship. I am worshipping a fire. I enjoy the comfort, take the warmth; I obey this fire, but I can’t feel it because whenever I try to… I burn deeply and no one can see the scars. It’s so strange, isn’t it?” His lips move at the corners in a small smile. “You told me that only Jinn are made of fire. Though I truly don’t know if they exist or not, I know you’re not one of them. Who are you, then? Why do I burn, Rania?”

  I look to the side, to avoid his consuming gaze. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Adam.”

  “You know bloody well what I’m talking about.” He rests his forehead on my shoulder. I am sure he can hear my heart, pumping so hard. He inhales. “A sweet intoxicating fragranced fire.” He speaks into my neck, making my whole nervous system shut down. His eyes are heavy. I haven’t seen this look before. I don’t know what he intends, but I’m getting frightened. “I know you feel what I feel. Your body responds to my touch, but your soul…” He nuzzles my neck, passing currents through my body. “I know you feel it, Rania, but I also know that there is something else blocking us. Something I can’t see. I feel the heaviness between us, every time I get close to you, as if some invisible force is pushing me away from you.” He closes his eyes for a moment, then continues. “I have a feeling you know what it is. Why won’t you trust me?”

  Adam’s words diffuse in my blood like a drug. I feel my body crumbling into millions of pieces.

  “I do trust you, Adam.” I look into his eyes with seriousness.

  “No, you don’t, Rania. Not completely, the way it should be.” I realize Adam is miraculously turning all the hidden switches in my body. He has found the passage in my heart that I’ve never let anyone open. A passage that leads directly to my soul. Adam’s way of declaring his feelings is a bit different, but I know he is talking about the concept of soulmates. His soul is searching mine. And my soul… I don’t know where it is. I lost it a long time ago.

  His eyes and his words tell me that he will find my soul someday, but it’s impossible for me to believe that he can ever be my soulmate. I didn’t think God created a soulmate for me.

  “You should go home, Adam.” I put my hand on his shoulder, pushing him away, but I don’t have the courage to look into his eyes and say it.

  “This is my home, Rania. My home is where you are. I find peace here.” His voice is still full of warmth and passion. He speaks so low that I can hardly hear him.

  “I mean your apartment. We need to get up early, if you want to see the museum. I have some work, too. Laundry and then prayers—”

  “Are you kicking me out? You can do all that with me here. Do you really want me to leave?” I hide my face to avoid all the feelings crowding me. I know he will read everything from my face. I fall down on my knees, with my face hidden in my hands. The burden of his feelings is impossible for me to carry. He is holding my heart in his hand and there is nothing I can do about it.

  Nothing.

  He embraces me tightly and gently rakes his fingers in my hair, soothing me with his tender touch. “I’m not going anywhere. Like it or not, accept it or not, but I’m going to be your shadow, Rania. A shadow that doesn’t disappear at night.” He kisses my hair softly. How can I tell him that I love his touch so much? How can I tell him how I feel about him? He understands everything, without me saying a single word. He picks me up in his arms and takes me to my room. I feel my head resting on my pillow. He tucks me under the warm comforter and moves my hands away from my face. I close my eyes, avoiding his questioning gaze. He wipes the tears from my face and kisses me softly on the forehead.

  “At least, now I know you need me as much as I need you.” His tender speech lets my eyes open. “You can tell me or not, but I sense there is a barrier between us. I know I almost push you over the edge when I try to find it—I’m never sure if you’re going to fall down or fly up, but sooner or later you need to go off that cliff.” He leans back on the other pillow and closes his eyes. “I don’t know what this feeling is, Rania, but it’s very strong.”

  He gets up from the bed and heads to the washroom, leaving me speechless and bewildered.

  I hear him starting the shower. Maybe he’s trying to relax. I feel that for every person, there comes a moment in life when he wants to break all the barriers and trust another person with everything, including his own life. I feel my moment has arrived, but I’m not sure if Adam is truly the right person to trust my life to and rely on completely.

  What if I tell him and he doesn’t believe me, throwing my faith down the drain? How can I trust that he is actually the right person? And even if he is, what’s next? There can never be an us. We belong to different cultures and beliefs. Even if he believes my secrets, he cannot be my soulmate. It is impossible.

  I see him coming out in his pajamas and T-shirt. He has marked his presence everywhere in my apartment. Anybody would think that he is living with me here, and he resides in my heart too. I want to give him my heart, body and soul, but I am too afraid of the side effects. I know his soul is searching for mine, but it is my soul that is wandering alone in the darkness.

  He makes himself comfortable, relaxing on my bed, browsing his phone. He doesn’t look at me or talk to me, which I really appreciate. I guess he is trying his best to give me some space. I get up from the bed and prepare myself for prayers, asking God to open the doors for me to guide my life down the right path. When I finish my prayers, I see Adam’s eyes locked on me. He rolls over to face me.

  “Can you ask your God to help me too?”

  I smile at him. “He is your God, too. Why do you want me to ask, when you can ask yourself?”

  “Because you are celestial, when you pray. I can see you talk to Him directly, and I am damn sure He is listening to you.”

  “You called me fire, a few moments ago, and now I am celestial?”

  “Yes! You amaze me every time.”

  I ignore his comment and continue. “Why don’t you ask Him yourself?” I watch him getting confused.

  “Why would He listen to a sinner?”

  “Do you know the sin which makes you sad and repentant is more liked by God, than the good deed, which turns you arrogant?”7 He blinks at me. I take a deep breath. “Don’t praise me so high, Adam. I am nothing like what you think.” I get up and take off my scarf, and sit on the other side of the bed. He rolls over again to face me once more.

  “Do you think it’s a good idea to take public transport to the museum?” His sudden change of subject grabs my attention. “I mean, all the pictures and the news.”

  I sigh and l
ook at him. “Yes, you’re right. I will have to compromise on your luxury cars then.” I wink at him, and that makes him smile back at me.

  He pats my pillow. “Grab your book reader and lie down. I have one thousand nights left to share.”

  “You remember, huh?” I smirk at him and fetch my reader from my nightstand drawer.

  “Of course, you’ve suspended your execution. I can’t hang you till you finish your magical stories.” Adam is back in his playful mood now. I feel so complete when he is cheery like this. “Can I take you to the doctor tomorrow? You stopped taking your prescription abruptly. That emergency doctor told me you would have to go back to your physician.”

  “That’s all right, Adam. I am good without it.” I put my hand over his. “As long as my shadow is with me, I have no worries.” With my words, Adam pulls me toward him and settles me in the same position we were in last night. It is good I am not looking into his eyes. He tucks his head behind my shoulder and sniffs before he speaks.

  “You are celestial, Rania. Your fragrance is divine. And it’s not just a perfume. It’s your fragrance. Every time I breathe you in, I travel to another world.” He inhales again deeply. He rubs my arms with his warm hands, very gently, his raw voice sending encoded messages to my soul. It is truly a miracle that I am not melting here. “Thank you for Mom. Thank you for pushing me to forgive her. I was tired of living with a grudge. I don’t know how you’re doing this, lifting all the heavy weights from my soul. I feel so much lighter.” He takes my hand, entwining his fingers with mine, and touches them to his lips. “Thank you for completing me.” He kisses my hand again. “And thank you for being… mine.” My heart starts to skip once more, and I am dead sure it can easily be heard. He melts me with his words… every time. The air in the room seems to suck away, and my breath gets shallow. Focus! Focus! Focus! Don’t dwell in that world again, where his words take you.