A Silent Prayer

by Samreen Ahsan

  “You didn’t sleep, Adam?” I speak with my face in his shirt.

  He pulls me away and holds my face in his hands. “I couldn’t. When I thought I lost you, I almost died, so after I found you, I couldn’t close my eyes for a single minute. I still can’t believe God actually heard my prayer. I didn’t even know how to pray, but He still listened to me.” I see the appreciation for my life in his eyes. “He does care about me, Rania. I never knew I was so important to Him, that He would listen to my silent prayer. But how did you escape the fire?”

  “I don’t know how I escaped from there, Adam. I woke up to hear the fire alarm. First I thought I was having a dream, but when I saw the fire outside my bedroom, I couldn’t believe it. My mind was a blank. All I could do was wrap myself in the sheet. I still don’t remember how I got out of the building.” As I speak, I see him closing his eyes to hide his pain. His hands start to tremble on my face. “When I was trapped by the fire, I thought I’d lost everything, and this was the end. I never valued my life, until I saw death in front of my eyes. I thought I would never be able to…” I thought I would never be able to tell you how much I love you, Adam. I realized it last night, when I saw my life being taken away from me and believed I’d die with no love in my life. “I thought I would never see you again.” I change my words; I don’t have the courage to confront my feelings for him.

  He hugs me tightly again. “Please don’t say anything more. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise.” I feel he is experiencing everything with me, as if he was there at the time of the fire. “I want you to relax now. Everything is going to be fine. Take anything you like to wear. It’s all yours. I’ll see you outside.” He kisses my forehead with quivering lips and escapes from the closet. I remember him kissing me passionately last night, all over my face, when he found me under the tree. I also remember him telling me he loves me, but he hasn’t said that again. Did I imagine it, in my traumatized state, or was it something he actually said? And even if he did, am I ready to hear it?

  I flush my mind of all these wild thoughts, realizing Adam must be waiting for me at the breakfast table. I am pretty sure he hasn’t eaten anything today. I search for normal clothes, but all I see is expensive apparel. I finally pick up a pair of jeans and an ivory-colored DKNY blouse. The Chantelle undergarments fit me so well, it’s like I shopped for them myself. The ivory blouse looks awesome, when I check myself in the mirror. I look expensive and worthy. He is making me feel worthy. I step out of the closet to brush my hair at the dresser. It is a beautiful white French antique dresser, with a very few items on the top. What surprises me is I see my perfume and basic makeup on it. He even knows the shade and brand of the lipstick that I use every day. I see the exact same brush that I had. Everything is the same, like a replica of my own dresser, but in another room.

  I don’t know how long has he been noticing these details and memorizing them. It makes me feel really special. I step out of the room, barefoot, to look for Adam. There is a large wide passage, with multiple white doors on each side. I imagine myself wandering in an enchanted castle from Beauty and the Beast, where Belle is lost and completely captivated. I walk slowly, ignoring all the closed doors, till I find stairs at the corner of the passage. He has a double-story apartment? Is it really an apartment, or is it a house? I clearly remember entering through an elevator. I go down the very wide heated marble stairs, and see Adam talking on the phone in his living room, walking back and forth on a thick deep blue-and-white-striped rug.

  “She’s doing okay, Mom… no, I can’t ask her… I don’t think she’s in a state to attend a party. I’ll stay with her… okay, I’ll let you know.” He looks at me and hangs up the phone. “You look… beautiful.” He observes me from head to toe. I look down at my feet shyly, but manage to smile at his appraisal.

  “Thanks to you. Anyone would look nice in this blouse.” I pass my hands over my waist to feel the soft fabric. He smiles back at me and shakes his head.

  “Come. Let’s have something to eat.” He takes my hand and leads me to the kitchen, where I see an Asian lady working. She turns around when she hears our footsteps.

  “Hello, Miss Rania. How are you doing this morning?” Do I know you? I look at her quizzically, and then at Adam.

  “She’s my housekeeper, Julianne,” Adam whispers in my ear.

  “I am good. Thank you, Julianne.” I sit down on the bar stool next to Adam. Julianne is in her early forties. So she is the one who keeps this place so organized and tidy? Everything is so neat and clean in this apartment that I feel like I shouldn’t touch anything, in case I get it dirty.

  “Mr. Gibson mentioned this morning that you like pumpkin bread. I have baked some for you. Would you like to try it?” She places the warm bread in front of me. I smile back to Julianne and pick up the bread. She places tea in front of me and offers Spanish omelet and buttered toast to Adam with his coffee. She exits the kitchen, leaving the two of us in privacy.

  “Thank you for everything, Adam. I didn’t know you knew so much about me. You even know…” I try to find the right words. “. . . very personal details.” He smiles from the corner of his lips, still looking at his plate. He looks up at me and brushes my hair off my shoulders.

  “You should acknowledge your presence in my life. You are precious to me.” His words are filled with passion, melting me deep inside.

  “I know. Thank you.” I avert my eyes and look down at my lap.

  “And you should give me some credit for spending time in your closet. I got to know a lot about you from there.” He winks at me mischievously. “I never mentioned it, but I have memorized everything about you. How you eat, what you eat, what you wear, everything. If you want to call it obsession, then yes, I admit I am obsessed with you, but I call it passion.” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment. “The only thing I couldn’t find is your heart. But someday, I will.” Why do I feel so uncomfortable every time he declares his feelings? Why do I feel like hiding, or burying myself somewhere? Why do I feel his feelings will fade someday, just like my fantasies? I ignore his passion and turn to face my plate.

  “You were talking to Grace, when I came down?” I change the subject. He frowns at me for avoiding his declaration. “Yes, she wanted to know how you are.” He takes a bite of his toast.

  “That’s very sweet of her. I will thank her, when I see her tonight.”

  “We’re going?” Adam looks at me, surprised.

  “We’re not going?” I fire the negative question at him.

  “No, I mean… I thought… you might not feel like—”

  “Adam, I’m fine. What happened, perhaps it was written in my fate. Those things were never mine, I guess. And Grace has planned this evening for quite a long time. She wants all her kids to be there. I know if I don’t go, you won’t either, so we will go together.”

  I see utter contentment on Adam’s face. “Thank you so much. I’ll let her know.” We continue our breakfast, until he breaks the silence again. “Oh, by the way, Mike called. He wanted to know how you are. He will be flying back on Christmas morning.”

  “Why is he coming back? I thought they decided to stay with Uncle Joe, till New Year’s.”

  “That’s what people do when they care. Also, the apartment was under Ben’s name, so he has to come back to make his insurance claim.”

  “How did you get to know about the fire?”

  “My company built it. I have to make sure that the fire didn’t have anything to do with the construction.”

  “You built that building?” I am surprised to know that. He smiles shyly at me, as if it is not a building, but just a piece of paper. “I didn’t know that.”

  “That’s because you don’t take any interest in what I do.” He smirks at me in a teasing way.

  “I have no interest in your money, Adam. You know that very well.”

  “
Yes, I know. But you should know what I do for a living, so that you stop complaining and arguing with me when I get you something.” His tone is very serious.

  “I am not interested, Adam, and I don’t need anything from you. I didn’t accept your friendship for your money, so—”

  “I know that very well, Rania. I don’t think you’re greedy, but all I want to ask is that you stop arguing with me, if I want to give you something of my own free will. So please, get used to it. Try to accept the fact that whatever’s mine is yours.” What kind of confession is that? Why would I take his money?

  “Adam, you have earned your money with hard work. If all of a sudden I come into your life and consider your money as mine, that’s not fair to you.”

  “You’re not taking it. I want to give it to you. Why don’t you understand the difference?”

  “But why do you want to give it to me? I don’t need it,” I argue again.

  “You don’t know how important you are in my life? Do you want me to go through it again?” I see his expression. “You’ve been taking care of me since we met. You helped me confront my own demons, pulled out all the thorns from my life. Buying you clothes is nothing. And if it bothers you, consider it as a very minor way of showing I care. Okay?” There is no point in arguing with Adam. He is always in the winning position. He has different ways of showing he cares, and I’ll have to accept him the way he is. After finishing our breakfast, Adam gives me a tour of his apartment—or, I should say, his magical kingdom.

  On the main level, I see the living room again. Everything, from the art, to the décor, to the furniture, is perfect. The room is tastefully furnished with pastel blue suede couches that complement the deep blue-and-white-striped rug I noticed before. There is a huge silvery white mirror, just above the antique console table, and the walls are very light blue.

  I am actually awestruck by his kingdom. The entire room gives me a cozy and warm feeling, very serene, as if I am in some country cottage by the lakeside. I always expected Adam’s place to be decorated in dark colors, but it turns out to be totally the opposite. He opens a large sliding door, which takes us to a grand dining area. The dining table is dark mahogany, with room for twelve people, holding a beautiful centerpiece that catches my attention as soon as I step inside. The walls are honey-colored, giving it a very warm and inviting feeling. After the dining area, he takes me to the terrace or patio or garden, whatever it is. It is a huge space, with beautiful patio furniture and a fire pit, not to mention a state-of-the-art barbeque grill and a huge swimming pool, which is enclosed in a glass wall. I am cold outside in this temperature, but this sight and Adam’s enthusiasm is making me warm. The view from his terrace is awesome. I can see the whole Toronto skyline from here.

  “It’s beautiful, Adam. And I can’t believe you have a pool on your terrace.” He is actually enjoying showing his work to me.

  “I haven’t shown my place to anyone. You are the first one to come here, Rania.”

  “Really? I am honored, then. So how high are we?”

  “The building has thirty-five floors. You can see we are on top.” He looks at the view proudly.

  “Are there others living here too, in this building?”

  “Oh yes, each floor has ten apartments. It’s a residential building.”

  “And you own the whole building?” I ask, surprised. He nods in silence. “And you are occupying the space of ten apartments, on one floor?” He smiles again at me, in affirmation. Holy Shit! If all the apartments are rented, how much money is he receiving every month—from this building alone? He smiles shyly at my weird look. Then he grabs my hand in excitement and takes me up a spiral staircase.

  “Come on, let me show you something.”

  When I reach the rooftop, after five minutes of spiral steps, I am astonished to see a helipad. Adam is excited to show me everything he has designed. I totally believe him when he says I’m the first person he is showing it to. The excitement in his eyes makes it clear. In the face of his elation and charm, I don’t feel cold, even barefooted.

  “This is my baby.” He shows me his helicopter with pride. “I will take you for a ride. I hope you’re not scared of heights.”

  “No, I am not. I would love to ride in your baby.” I start to rub my arms, to warm myself.

  “Shit! I didn’t notice you’re not wearing anything warm. You will catch cold.” He takes my hand, but rather than traveling back down the spiral steps, he takes another door, which leads us to an indoor passage. We both stop to catch our breath, after running in the cold weather. He takes me to an elevator and we head down two levels, back to his apartment.

  “Oh my God, Adam. It’s breathtaking. Everything is so amazing. You have your own private castle, up in the clouds, just like in Jack and the Beanstalk.” He laughs at my remarks. We enter his apartment once again and he shows me the rest of the lower level.

  Besides the gigantic living room, warm dining room and ultra-modern kitchen, there is a huge private study. He opens the door and announces, “This is my favorite room, where I spend most of my time.” I feel pride in his voice. The ambience of the study is completely different from the rest of the apartment. I feel like I’m stepping back in time. The décor is much darker, with wood paneling and dark wooden furniture, just like a typical study from the eighteenth or nineteenth century.

  “Wow! I feel like I’m stepping back centuries.” I look around his library. “I never knew you read.” I gently touch his lavish collection of books.

  “They are mostly architecture and designing books. Not the kind you read. But let me know if you want any books, and I’ll get them.” He looks at me tenderly, rubbing his lower lip with his finger. There is a huge, solid wood study table, with his papers and designs scattered over it. Behind his chair are floor-to-ceiling windows that open onto the terrace, and the marvelous view of the Toronto skyline. I turn around and notice a large framed copy of the picture of our first dance together. I blink at him with surprise. I wasn’t expecting to see this picture in his house. It’s placed where he’s facing it every time he sits in his chair.

  “I told you, this is my favorite room. Now you know why.” He smirks at me innocently. “When you’re not around, I look at this picture and talk to you.” I see fire and passion in his eyes. At this very moment, I truly feel he is drinking me in.

  “And when are you not around me, Adam?” I roll my eyes, with a smile. “Since we have met, you are always with me.” I move to the other side of the room and open a sliding door, where I find a huge game room with a pool table in the center. “You play pool?” I look at him, astonished.

  “Not really. I told you, no one comes here. It was just part of the design. I know how to play, but I think you need to have a good partner. I have played with Ali, a couple of times, when I used to work late on my designs.”

  “Are there more surprises in this castle?” I grin at him with amusement.

  “Castle?” He laughs and shakes his head. “Come on, I’ll show you the rest.”

  He slides open a glass door from the study, which leads to the pool that I saw earlier from the terrace. I marvel at the number of marble stones inlaid around it. It has a separate hot tub, to blissfully enjoy in any weather. He presses a button and in a blink, the glass ceiling opens to the sky. I gawk at the perfection of the work that has been done in this pool area.

  “It’s always good to swim under the warm sun. We only have a few months to enjoy that weather.” He smiles innocently and I try my best to capture this moment, the twinkle in his eyes as he proudly shows me his home. I walk to the other side of the pool and notice a huge canvas resting on a large easel, but the canvas is covered with a sheet. I look toward Adam, who comes up behind me and removes the sheet. I gape at it, completely astounded to see an oil painting of my face.

  “You are etched in my memory, Rania. I can sketch you whenever I want.” H
is raw voice sends my body to the crest of desire. I turn around, seeing his heated gaze bore into me, as if he actually is memorizing my features. “But someday, I’d like you to pose for me, so that I can make sure I’m not missing any fragment of the beauty that God has blessed you with.” I blink at his words several times, not sure what to say in return, though I’m pretty sure he is not expecting anything back from me. He knows what he has said has left me dumfounded and speechless.

  We return to the living room and he opens another door. It is a theater, with a huge collection of movies and an immense projection screen with multiple black leather recliners in front of it. The walls are painted deep purple. It’s a real theater.

  “You never told me you have a cinema in your home,” I say. “Why’d you choose to go out, when you have this?”

  “If I had asked you to come here and watch a movie in this room, would you have agreed?” he asks innocently. Oh, he knows me so bloody well. I purse my lips to hide my smile.

  After that, he takes me upstairs. The walls along the passage are decorated with beautiful artwork; whoever designed his place must have very good taste. The first room on the right is the state-of-the-art gym.

  “So that’s the secret of your perfect physique.” I wink at Adam.

  “You think so?” he asks, while closing the distance between us. “Do you ever get attracted to me, Rania?” His eyes are so intense; it’s a miracle I’m not melting. I try to look anywhere other than at him, but it’s hard to avoid his burning gaze. Where do I go? Where do I run?

  “How about the other rooms, Adam?” I change the topic to avoid the awkwardness here. I know I always spoil the moment. I just don’t want to give him false hopes. If I tell him everything about me, I know he will run away and I’ll never see him again. I am too scared to imagine my life without him. He closes his eyes and rakes his fingers through his hair.