by Kip Nelson
He skulked through the jungle and listened for the chattering of the Vietcong, trying to keep his orders straight in his mind. The heat was sweltering, and the terrain was as much of an enemy as the opposing soldiers. It was as though the whole country wanted to chew them up and spit them out, and make them sorry they ever dared to encroach on it. But no day was as dark as when they had been told about a village of enemies who were stockpiling weapons. It was the enemy’s base and they had to go take it out, but there were also civilians living there. When the order had been given Pete had seen uncertainty in the eyes of his comrades, but none of them dared speak against their commanders. Each of them had been broken by the ordeal, and just wanted the war to be over so they could go home and carry on with whatever fragments of their life they had left.
Pete long had lost faith in the things he had held dear, and didn't know what life he would be returning to. In Vietnam he was isolated from the world he knew. They got news snippets, but it wasn't enough. He didn't know what people would think of him, or if they would be proud of him for serving in the army, for fighting this evil. Ever since he had been over there he wasn't sure what evil he was fighting. He spent so many sleepless nights wondering about the past, and if the venerated soldiers who he had so envied for fighting in World War II had felt the same when they were in the throes of battle. Perhaps it only made sense when it was all over. He hoped that when the dust settled he would be able to look back on his time and be proud that he had done his duty. However, he had a sinking feeling that he wouldn't. Especially not when he was asked to attack civilians, and to be told that the greater good forced us to undertake a lesser evil.
That day all happened in a blur. He walked with his fellow soldiers, but he felt as though he was walking alone, and all the things he did made him feel less than human. It was as though something else had taken over his body. He was doing all these other things, things he never thought he would be capable of doing, and he would have to live with the memories of them. Even now, walking into battle, he was being transported back in his mind toward that fateful day. That day when the flames burst forward, engulfing the village. That day when the shells had been dropped, sending dirt and shrapnel flying through the air. His ears had been filled with the people’s deafening screams. Whether they were innocent or not, the sound of them was bloodcurdling and they shook Pete to his core. Fire licked the buildings and scorched the ground. After they were done with it the place would not be habitable again. It just would be a smoldering ruin.
As he walked through the area in the aftermath, Pete could smell the burnt bodies. He had to look at the charred flesh on the ground, at all the destruction he and his fellow soldiers had wrought. He was an angel of destruction and he had done all of that. He had killed, he had wounded, and the worst thing of all is that among the dead bodies, among the skin that quickly was turning to ash, were those of children as well. He didn't know how he was going to live with himself.
“I'm a monster,” he said.
Despite all the thoughts raging through his mind he only could mutter a few words. Everything else was too big for him to talk about, and he didn't want to share those things with Adam. But having the gun in his hands, feeling it against his body, took him back to that time when he had been a monster, when he had caused so much death. He didn't want to go back to that time. He shouldn't have had to go back.
“What do you mean? Pete, please, tell me,” Adam said.
Pete wanted to tell him, but he just couldn't form the words. He remembered how he had returned home. There had been so much controversy about the war that he had been blind to. In truth, he didn't much care for it because he had his own demons to worry about. He was morose for a long time, more like a shadow than a man, and he didn't know how he ever was going to reclaim his humanity.
Then he had met Evangeline. It had been completely by chance, but he knew his life never would have been the same had the two of them not met. For a long time, he had tried keeping her away from the monster inside him, but when they began spending more time together and sleeping together she heard him sob and felt him writhe from the nightmares. He had to tell her or face losing her, and he definitely didn't want that. So, he confided in her. He told her every dark secret, every fear, every piece of self-loathing, and she accepted it all. She listened to him and loved him and held him, and that is exactly what he needed, and over the course of their relationship he had managed to find some semblance of peace.
But then she had gone, leaving him alone. Perhaps that was the punishment that had been due him all these years, for the universe had to be balanced and every sin had its price. Over time the ghosts of his past had come back to haunt him. His mind was filled with the whispers of all the men, women and children he had killed, coming to him in the dead of the night. There was no way to escape them. He had promised them so many times he never would do the same thing again, had sworn to God he never would take up arms against anyone. Yet, now he was walking into another war, breaking all the vows he had made.
Pete became more agitated, and the more he thought about the past the more he just didn't want any part of this war. He didn't care if he died, or if he slipped away into the night and disappeared. It was just too much to handle. All he wanted to do was throw away his gun and disappear. But as he went to toss it to the ground he felt Adam's hands upon him, keeping the gun pressed close. In that moment, he thought of the other things in Vietnam, about the other soldiers around him, and how they all strove to keep each other sane.
“You can't do that, Peter,” Adam said.
“I know this is crazy, and I don't know everything that happened to you, but whatever did happen I'm sorry. I wish things were different and that we didn't have to go into this war, but we're here. I can't let you throw away that gun because if you do, you are dead. It might be selfish of me to say this, but I've come to rely on you as much as anyone else in this world. If you die, I don't know what I'll do. I owe you my life, so I'm not going to let you throw yours away.”
Pete held onto his gun and looked down at Adam's hands together with his. Adam was right, and Pete in turn relied on Adam. This wasn't just about Pete anymore, or his conscience. It was about Adam and Diana and Annabelle. All of them had shown him kindness. It was them he had to fight for, not some kind of righteous cause, and not Lisa. He nodded and smiled at Adam.
“Thank you,” he said, finally calming down.
The memories and the trauma always would be there, but at least he would be able to handle it, as long as he remembered he had people to live for. He wasn't alone anymore. Evangeline still would be there waiting for him even if he wasn't going to die today.
“Stop!” Lee said, and the army halted.
They looked at a camp that was much like their own. It was night, so they had the advantage of darkness, and a hush descended upon them. Lee moved through and gave the instructions in cold whispers. They stayed behind a building, but they could make out the city’s high walls by the silver moon, which cast an ethereal glow upon the city. The air was cold, and their breath swirled in front of them as they waited for their orders to march. Pete's hand tightened around his gun and he breathed deeply. He was going to war again. Although this time he wasn't doing it for his country, he was doing it for the people he loved. He was going to make damned sure that when he saw Evangeline again she was going to be proud of him.
“I am so not ready for this,” Adam said.
“Neither am I,” Diana replied.
Pete sensed the army’s mood and felt a familiar feeling. Many of them would not return that night, but he was sure he, Adam, and Diana would. They were survivors. But more importantly, they had to get back to Annabelle, because all of them loved her and they were not going to let her suffer.
Chapter Three
While Adam, Pete, and Diana all were part of the force that had ventured out from the camp to wage war against the enemy, the camp still was filled with people who had lives to lead. While most o
f the able-bodied people had been sent off to fight, many were incapable of fighting, such as the children. Then there were those who needed to look after them. Annabelle hated to see the others be dragged off, especially when she didn't know when, or even if, she was going to see them again. She had been taken to the classroom with Tara and the other children where they stayed and had extra lessons. Some of the other children didn't much like that, especially the younger ones. They were crying out for their parents. Annabelle watched Tara try comforting them. It seemed almost too much for one woman to handle.
Over the course of her young life Annabelle had become used to looking at adults and seeing how they behaved. She had been whip-smart for her age and, as a result, many people underestimated her, much to her chagrin. There had been a point when her parents had had to sit her down and tell her that some people just wouldn't give her the chances she deserved because of how young she was. So, she often took in the world around her and learned how adults behaved. She could tell Tara was worried. It was in the way she kept chewing her lip, and how her eyes darted toward the door. She was struggling to keep her composure, when usually she was able to handle the children well.
This only made Annabelle more concerned about her friends. She'd been with Diana a long time, but she was worried about Adam and Pete, too. They had come to mean so much to her and she didn't want to see them get hurt. She knew it was a fact of this world that sometimes people disappeared and you'd never get to see them again. Yet, she wasn't ready to say goodbye to them, and although there were some nice people around, such as Tara, she didn't feel safe. Not with Lisa. The old woman had made her feel uncomfortable from the very start. Annabelle’s every instinct was telling her she was trouble.
Annabelle was sitting at her desk while Tara was trying to stop the toddlers from rolling and crawling away. While she was doing this, some of the older kids were taking advantage and playing with things they were not supposed to, and generally wreaking havoc. Annabelle went over and scolded them for misbehaving. Tara heard her and gave her a thankful smile. Annabelle was glad she was able to help. She always had been the responsible sort. In the Girl Scouts she often had been tasked with helping out the younger kids, and she wanted to help now.
She hated feeling useless, and although it had been scary, she loved going across the city with Diana and the others. It made her feel like something again. One thing she always hated was how adults would prevent her from doing things she was quite capable of, simply because of her age. Diana never had been like that. She never had tried to hide the horrors of the world and always had been honest with Annabelle, which she appreciated. So, the fact that Diana didn't insist on Annabelle coming with her made Annabelle see this was deadly serious. That gave her a knot in her stomach.
In this classroom she could afford to be comfortable, but she knew what the wider world was like, unlike most of these kids. From what she gathered so far, most of them had lived in the camp ever since the world had gone dark, with a few of them having spent some time in the city. Still, none of them were like Annabelle. None of them had seen their parents ripped from her. None of them had wandered the world alone. Annabelle thought back to those first few days, when she had been isolated from the rest of the world. She had been so afraid she never would see anyone else again. Then through the fog and the mist she had seen Diana. It had been scary, but Annabelle knew the worst thing would be to give into fear. There were always opportunities, that's what her father used to say. No matter how bad things got, as long as you were still breathing you still had a chance.
But now she didn't know. She didn't want to think of what life would be like without Diana and the others. She didn't want to stay here like these kids. She had a feeling Lisa wasn't making the world into a good place, not like Diana and Adam wanted. Annabelle didn't know what would happen if she told the old woman she wanted to leave. Were people even allowed to leave this place voluntarily?
Tara managed to calm down the toddlers with some stories and activities, but the teacher’s uneasiness rubbed off on her students. So, it was difficult for any of them to settle down completely. It was clear Tara's mind was on something else, so Annabelle stayed quiet in the corner. However, the more Tara kept talking about geography and telling various stories, and the more the kids were causing a racket and not listening to her, the more Annabelle grew frustrated. How could they be sitting there, talking about these inconsequential things, when there was so much else going on?
“Any questions?” Tara asked.
She was referring to the Nile river, but Annabelle had other things on her mind. Her hand shot up. Tara seemed relieved to see that Annabelle was engaging with the class, but she soon lost that feeling.
“Who are we fighting?” Annabelle asked. It was so unusual for anyone to ask that type of question that the other kids were silenced. They stared open-mouthed at Annabelle. Tara tilted her head, and looked defeated.
“I'm sorry. I don't know what you mean?” she said softly.
“You do know what I mean,” Annabelle said. She continued in a slow, deliberate tone. “The people who have left. They're going to war. I'm not stupid. We all know something is wrong. I've lived in this world. I've seen things.”
“I'm sure you have, but you know this isn't really the time or the place to discuss it--” Tara's attempts to placate Annabelle fell on deaf ears.
“I deserve to know! We all do!” Annabelle cried out.
Tara had a defeated look in her eyes. Her shoulders were rounded and there were bags under her eyes. She looked exhausted, and her skin did not have its usual glow. Annabelle did not look away from her, challenging the teacher. Tara met her gaze and then studied the faces of all the other children. Annabelle was right. Whatever was going on affected the kids as much as the adults. It was important to be honest with them, and prepare them for what was going to come. It wasn't doing them any good to hide the truth from them. Annabelle figured Tara wouldn't want to spend so much time with the children acting like this, when all they needed was some concrete information.
Tara sighed.
“All I know is what Lisa has told me. You know I'm not one of the people who deals with the outside world. My job here is to teach you, and that's what I'm trying to do. Now, sadly, there are some people in this world who do not want to be friends. Sometimes that leads adults to do things they'd rather not do. I know it's hard for some of you to understand. But in life there are going to be times when people come up to you and they'll tell you you're doing something wrong, or they'll try taking something from you. Then you have two choices. Either you can let them do what they want, or you can try telling them to stop. Now, if you let them do what they want, the chances are they're going to come back and do it again. Or else other people are going to see this, and they'll start treating you in the same way. But if you stand up to them and you tell them no, it might hurt at first, because they won't like it, but it will show them that you're strong.
“Now, I would rather suggest that everyone should talk about their problems, but sometimes people aren't interested in talking. So, we have to go out there and make sure people hear us when we say no. These people have taken our food and made it harder for us to live. So, if we let them take that, then they might start taking more and more. We can't afford to let that happen. There are a lot of people here, and we all must take care of each other. So, Lisa is just trying to make sure we all can make it through this alive.”
Tara spoke with a trembling voice, holding her arms across her chest. She looked frightened and cold, but the kind of cold that came up through the middle of your body and made you feel all sick and horrible.
The other kids were nodding and seemed to be understanding what Tara was saying, but Annabelle wasn't completely satisfied yet.
“Do you trust Lisa?” she asked.
She wanted to know where Tara fell, and if indeed Annabelle could trust her. She had a good feeling about Tara, but she wanted to know for sure. If the others di
dn't return, then Annabelle would need to know who she could and couldn't trust. As much as she hated it, she knew she needed the help of adults.
“I... I honestly don't know how to answer that, Annabelle. I'm tired, I'm scared, and I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where all these questions are coming from, but I'm just trying to do the best job I can at looking after you all.”
She seemed genuine to Annabelle, who nodded and went back to being quiet. She looked around at the children in the room with her. A couple of them were close to her age, although some were almost half her age. They had gaps in their teeth where their baby teeth were falling out. Then there were the toddlers, who gurgled and squeaked and made silly noises, and that was the entire class. It was unlike the other world, where Annabelle had been surrounded with potential friends. Although, in truth, she always had preferred her own company. Most of the other children liked playing with toys, but she always had preferred to learn things from books and lose herself in the worlds of stories. This stood her in good stead when the world went dark as she was used to being on her own. Her parents always had given her freedom and a lot of trust. So she had been independent from a young age...although she hated to think about her parents now.
Whenever thoughts about them flashed through her mind she felt her heart flutter and a bitter knot of anguish twist inside. Her eyes stung with tears, but she thought she was all cried out many nights ago. The nights were the worst. That's when she felt the loneliest, although it was good to have Diana and Adam to talk to and, to a lesser extent, Pete. Adam seemed to understand, and Diana was someone Annabelle could look up to. She wanted to be just like Diana when she grew up, so strong and badass (she rarely cursed out loud, but in her mind, she let them slip now and then). And while she sat in that classroom she tried thinking of what the two of them would do.