Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  "They are my favorite! You’re pretty awesome, you know that."

  "Then my job here is done. I told you I could satisfy you."

  "I don't believe satisfy was the word that was used. And if by that you mean with food, you nailed it."

  "I believe I nailed something else too last night."

  "Would you just stop?" I was laughing my ass off and so was he.

  "When's my food going to be ready? Smelling all this is making me so hungry."

  "Always so impatient, the greatest things in life come to those who wait. Ever heard that one?"

  "Then I will be waiting forever."

  "You never know. Something pretty great is right in front of you. You just have to open your eyes." He placed a plate of freshly cut cantaloupe, bacon, sausage, and an omelet that looked to die for in front of me.

  "You’re right, this does look pretty great."

  At least I hoped he was talking about the food. The other option, I already know, is great. If only he could hear his own words and direct them at me.

  I finished everything in record time. It was like I hadn't eaten in days. We all know that was not true after the feast I consumed last night, but this was good! Colt sat across from me and watched me practically lick my plate while he was barely touching his own.

  "Are you not hungry?"

  "No, I am. It’s just nice to sit and have breakfast with you after having you all night. It feels good. Does that make any sense?

  "I understand completely. And if you keep making me breakfast after every time I sleep over, I might never leave." Did I just let that fall out of my mouth? How do I get it back? Oh my God. Can I try to play it out like it was some kind of joke? Colt interrupted my thought.

  "Sounds like a plan"

  "What?"

  This time it was Colt who looked like he wanted to put his foot in his mouth.

  "Oh, you know I was just kidding with you. Neither of us would want that, now would we?"

  If he only knew, it wasn’t like I would want to move in with him or anything. But if I could see him every day, it would probably make my life better than it had ever been. But of course, I can’t say that. I was getting pretty good at playing this game.

  "That would be a big Hell no! That would mean I would have to get my own toothbrush. Why would I want to go and do a thing like that?"

  At first he looked offended, and then he laughed. A belly laugh I had only had the pleasure of hearing a couple of times. That only made me feel better about what had just happened.

  It was my turn to watch Colt eat. He was not too happy when the attention was solely on him. When he was finally done, I stood and collected the dishes. It was only fair if he cooked, I cleaned. He wouldn’t allow that though, so he helped. But then he let out, "You look good in my kitchen. I could get used to this."

  (What the fuck is he doing) is going through your head right now, right? Cause it was definitely what was going through mine.

  I don't think he realized how I took what he said to me, so I ignored that comment. After we cleaned up, I knew it was time to get back to reality. I had a job and he had tons of things he needed to do. I collected my clothes from the bedroom so I could change. He was standing at the door watching as I put my underwear back on, before I grabbed my dress. Colt had himself leaning against the door jamb, taking it in like a peep show.

  "Do you like what you’re seeing?" I had to tease him a little. If I didn't find it funny, the way he was being could border on creepy.

  "I will never get enough of that sight."

  "You really do have a sexy response for everything I say. Does that only happen with me or is it like that with all of the other girls too?" I can't figure out if I was on a suicide mission or what. It was like I was suffering from diarrhea of the mouth and I needed to recover fast. I walked over to him, still in just my panties and bra. I walked slowly to make sure he understood that I was the sexiest bitch he would ever have. I took my pointer finger and placed it on his chin to bring his face down to mine. He knew I was up to something.

  "Don't answer that. Just know that I never want you to tell me about them, I never want to see them and I will always be the best you can get. One more thing, I'm here until I don't want to be anymore." With that finally coming out of me, I got up on my tip toes and kissed him to make a lasting impression. Then I turned back to the bed for my dress. I wanted to high five myself. I needed him to know that I was not stupid. I knew what was happening and I accepted it. I just hoped he would accept it when it was my turn.

  Colt walked over and sat down on the bed facing me.

  "Sadie, does it bother you that..?”

  “Stop! The point was for you to know that I understand the arrangement here. I'm not some clueless girl. I've had my fair share of sex with.."

  "You stop. First, you didn't let me finish. I wasn't going to talk about the parts of my life you’re not involved in. I was asking if it bothers you that we seem to be getting close. If I'm confusing you, I'm sorry. As for you being clueless, I have never thought you were anything less than perfect. But let’s make something clear right now. I don't want to know what is happening when I'm not with you either, understand?"

  As he talked, I pulled my arms through the dress and started to wrap the sides. Colt took the ties and secured them for me. By the time he was finished talking, I was dressed and ready to go. I leaned down and got so close to his lips I'm sure he thought I was going to kiss him.

  But instead, I said, "Understood."

  CHAPTER 16

  It almost seemed like Heather was avoiding me. I wasn’t having that, so I made her promise me she wouldn’t make plans tonight. I even went to the grocery store and bought everything I needed to make my mother’s famous spaghetti. I have been cooking the sauce for the last two hours and it was finally time to cook the pasta and bread. As I was placing the angel hair into the boiling water, the front door opened. She was home and I was ready for the interrogation to begin. She walked in the kitchen, set her purse down and went to the fridge to grab a beer. Beer and other alcohol could be stocked in our apartment easily now, being Heather turned twenty one three weeks before I was going to, which is tomorrow. I tried to plan a huge party for her, or at least a small get together with our friends, but she was always either working or too busy. At least, that is what she told me. See, I am not paranoid. I really do think she was avoiding me.

  "Hey, chica! I hope you’re hungry. I made a ton of sauce. We will have left overs for weeks."

  "Sadie, you’re awesome. You know how much I love your mom’s spaghetti."

  I drained the pasta. Then I put the bread in the oven under the broiler. Just a few more minutes and we could eat. Heather sat down at the table and let out and exhausted sigh.

  "I'm so tired. I feel like this is the first time I've sat down in forever."

  "I can understand that. Feels like forever since I've seen you, other than the coming and goings of our regular day."

  The timer went off which meant the bread was done. I pulled it out, sliced it and started to make the plates. I walked over with them both placing one in front of her and taking a seat myself. And that's when I lost it.

  "Heather, what have I done? If it’s that I haven't been able to be here for you, then that makes me feel like the worst friend of all. You have been there for me through everything I had to put up with James, me trying to get past it, well you know, it was a whole lot of shit. But now, I feel like you won't let me return the favor."

  "Oh Sadie, that's not it at all. It’s just all been one big cluster fuck. Do you remember the morning after everything happened when Jason was here? Well, at first he was all like, Heather, I'm so sorry I overreacted, I'm so glad to hear that nothing happened, I love you and I want to make this work. He even told me about the ring! Then at the hospital he told me police had been to his house and wanted him to come in for questioning. Now he's blaming me for everything again. You know his brother, Tony, is a lawyer, right?" I shook
my head and then she continued, "Well he is, and he went to law school with the prosecuting attorney. He's trying to pull every string he can to get them to drop the charges. Right now Tony is saying that they will allow it all to fall on Shawn. Meaning, if he doesn't want them to pursue it, it could all go away. But that's where it’s really fucked up. Am I a terrible person for feeling like Shawn has every right to press charges? Jason went fucking crazy on him, Sadie! I'm not even sure I trust his temper after watching him that night. He was crazy!"

  Holy shit! She has been in the middle of a sand storm all by herself.

  "Heather, you are an amazing person, don't question that. This is fucking crazy. I'm not sure what Shawn will decide, but leave it up to Shawn. Jason did that to him, not you. I can see where Jason could scare you. You know full well I don't like tempers. That part is your decision. But Jason has never given off the vibe that he could be abusive to me. After James, I trusted men about a far as I could throw them. Mike, Jason, Dave, Bryan, and Shawn, they all made me feel safe, not scared. That's why I pretty much wrapped myself around them. But you have to go with your gut."

  "That is, if Jason will ever get over me not telling him to begin with. He says if I was honest to begin with, none of this would have ever happened and I agree with that. "

  "Bull shit! If you would have said that you slept with Shawn, because that's what you convinced yourself must have happened back then, he would have tracked him down and done the exact same thing. You didn’t want to lose him. That's why you didn't say anything. I would have probably done the same thing."

  "It all still makes me feel awful. Shawn gets to have his wires removed next week. It’s been great to at least be able to communicate by paper, I just can't wait for him to look like him again."

  "Me either. Heather, I'm so glad we finally got to talk about this. It makes me feel better about you not doing this by yourself."

  "Believe me, Sadie; it feels a lot better talking to someone finally. You are the best friend I have. Don't blame any of this on yourself for me not telling you. I just needed time."

  I got up and hugged her. I love this girl something fierce. After dinner we cleaned up and decided to chill back and watch some TV. We hadn't caught up on the Housewives of New Jersey in forever together. It was pretty damn funny watching those women, who are supposed to be ladies, act like little spoiled brats. DVR recorders are the shit. It allowed us to catch up on old seasons in their entirety. I think it was about three season’s worth of shows before we were ready to call it a night. There is definitely something to be said about your best friend being your roommate. It doesn't get better than this.

  The next morning when I woke up, I opened my eyes and had a euphoric feeling that brought chills to my whole body. I was officially twenty one today! There was absolutely no part of me that wanted to lounge in bed. Today would be one of the most significant days in my life. I jumped out of bed and immediately took a shower. The house was empty already so after I was done getting dressed, I decided a trip to see my mom and dad was essential.

  The drive to their house was only thirty five minutes away. I really should make this trip more often, but with work keeping me so busy and the fact that I want to stay close to my friends, I don't. Pathetic, isn't it? I pulled up into the driveway of the home I grew up in. Every time I see it, it just makes me smile. I had a great childhood and I have two amazing parents to thank for it. When I walked in the door, I was greeted by their boxer, Tyson. He was eighty five pounds of an adorable dog. I don't think he could stop wiggling his butt when he was excited if he tried. I went to the kitchen in search of my mom and I found Heather there as well.

  "What is going on? And where is your car?"

  "Well, hello to you, too" came from my mom as she grabbed me into a hug and then showered my face with kisses like she did when I was five years old. "Happy birthday, Sadie girl"!

  "Thanks, Mom, but I really don't understand..."

  "Is that my Sadie girl I hear?" My dad came in to the room with a smile. He grabbed me from my mom and squeezed the crap out of me.

  "Hi, Dad. You know, you’re killing me slowly here, right?"

  "You’re always so silly, Sadie. So did Mom tell you about your party..."

  "Bill! Shut up!" It was crazy how that came out of my mom and Heather’s mouth simultaneously. What party?

  "What party?"

  My mom spoke first, "It was supposed to be a surprise but Heather and I wanted to take you on a spa day. Your father, for some reason, keeps calling it a girl party because he can't go."

  Yeah right! Or, maybe? That does sound like my dad.

  "Dad, I came out here to see you too. Maybe we could meet up for dinner? By the way, Mom, how did you know I was coming out so early to have planned a whole day at the spa? And Heather, how did you get out here?"

  "Sadie, what's with the twenty questions? Let me try to tackle these in order. Your mom called me last week about taking you to the spa for a special surprise. We planned on picking you up. No one knew you were driving out here. And I went by my parents’ house before I came over here. I only live three houses down. I walked over. Why are you being all suspicious?"

  "Because, you all are being shady about something, I can just feel it."

  "For once, your gut is wrong. So, are you ready to go get pampered, Miss I'm twenty one?"

  "I just got here."

  "We know this, honey, but Heather and I would have left five minutes ago to come get you. Our first appointment is our facials and we need to be there on time or it will mess up the whole day." My mom was always a worry wart.

  "Okay. I just feel bad about Dad. Are you sure he doesn't want a massage or something? He could come too?"

  "Sadie, I'm a grown ass man. I am not going to a spa. But thanks for thinking of me. You sure have turned into one amazing woman. I am so proud of you."

  "Thank you, Dad" I gave him a huge hug and then turned to the boss ladies. "I'm ready when you are."

  The whole day was filled with being pampered from head to toe, just as promised. Speaking of my head, I had them put in honey colored highlights and they look amazing! We went to the mall also and my mom was adamant that she pay for the dress I picked out. Heather said it was a must have, even though I didn't know where I could ever wear it. It was not appropriate for work that was for sure. I did love it though. The dress seemed simple until I tried it on. It was black, strapless, skin tight and rested just above the knee. It had a gold zipper that ran the whole length of the back. I knew just the shoes to pair it with. When we got back to mom and dad’s house, Heather told me she had to leave. It was a great day and I couldn’t have imagined it being any better. I thanked Heather over and over again and told her I would see her later at home. I walked back in the house with my mom and told my dad all about our day. We decided to skip dinner because my mom was coming down with a migraine. She suffered from them periodically. So I kissed both of them, gave my favorite dog one last rub down and left for home with a huge smile on my face. What a great birthday it turned out to be.

  When I got back to the apartment I found Heather sitting on the couch dressed to kill. I wasn't sure if Jason was on his way to pick her up or what was going on. She just had this wicked smile on her face.

  "Where are you going so dressed up? By the way, you look fantastic! I'm glad you bought that dress today. It looks like it was made for you." It really did. Heather was tall. It was hard to find dresses that didn't look like minis on her with those legs she has.

  "You mean, where are we going with me so dressed up? Oh, and don't think I'm the only one dressing up either. Go get on the dress we just got for you. It’s time I introduced you to a real bar. Not one that you can a throw ball at pins."

  I did not see this coming, but I was so excited!

  "Seriously, I'm in! Just let me go change and it’s on! We are going to have so much fun!"

  I ran upstairs and hurried into my dress. The shoes I picked are gold strappy Manolo Blahniks.
They were my first big spend after I started doing hair, and they were worth every penny. I retouched the makeup I had done at the spa and was ready to go. Did I mention I was excited? I went back down stairs and Heather was standing there holding out a pair of huge gold hoop earrings that would finish my outfit off.

  "They are perfect!"

  "I know. That's what I'm here for."

  After I put them on, I went to the bathroom for one last look in the mirror.

  I liked what I saw. It felt like I grew up overnight. The woman staring back at me was not the girl who woke up this morning. I turned back around and Heather was already at the door ready to leave. I grabbed my clutch and followed her out. We got in the cream cruiser and cranked the radio as loud as that bad boy would allow it. I have heard of tons of bars and clubs around so I didn’t know which one we were going to. Heather had been texting all day, so I was guessing she was meeting someone wherever we end up. About five minutes later we pulled into a parking lot I recognized immediately.

  "Really, ‘51’?"

  "Yep, I am meeting Megan from work. She is crushing on one of the guys that work here. It’s kind of fucked up because she knows I know almost everybody and she won't tell me who she's been sleeping with. We don't have to stay if you are not having fun."

  "Megan is a riot. I'm sure we will have a blast wherever we go. It's only going to suck that for my first beer as a legal, I'm going to be surrounded by like twenty big brothers. Heaven forbid some hottie wants to dance."

  "Totally hear ya, sister, but I think all of them will be on their best behavior."

  We got out of the car and headed in. Heather stopped me to assess our appearances. When I gained approval, I opened the door to, "Surprise!"

  I looked around with my jaw dropped. In the center of the group of people, were my parents! Surrounding them were coworkers and some friends from high school, it was crazy. I walked over to my parents and gave them a gigantic hug.

  "So much for your migraine, huh?" She laughed and I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face as I took everyone in. I made my rounds and thanked everybody for coming. Mike snuck up behind me and did what you all know is coming. Yep, he scooped me up and scared me to death, as always.