Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  I cut him off by grabbing his ass and pulling him into me. I was sure, positive, whatever word he needed to hear. I wanted what he was now giving me and it felt amazing. He made sure he got me off three more times (Three more times, people!) before he finished himself. We lay in bed for a long time panting and trying to catch our breath. Tony got up at one point and went to the bathroom to throw away the condom. He came back in the door threshold and rested his arms above it on the frame. I was getting self-conscious. I started to pull the covers over me when he leaped across the room and onto to the bed. "Oh no, you don't. Don't go getting shy on me now. Sadie, you are unbelievable. I no longer feel the need to worry about you. You will be just fine. If that mother fucker doesn't catch on quick to what he's got in front of him, I will be right back here to swoop you up."

  "Really, that's how you are going to spin this?"

  "There's no spin to it. You are not mine. Probably never will be if Colt is still around. I am no fool. I would have to be one to think sex made your heart change its feelings. But you did make me set my bar a hell of a lot higher when it comes to women. I am not settling for anything less than what that just was."

  "Good luck with that. I'm one of a kind, don't you know?"

  "Oh, I know. Are you going to think I'm the biggest prick on the planet if I still ask you for that ride?"

  "Not at all. Let me find my clothes and then we can get out of here."

  After we got dressed, I drove Tony home. No awkward kiss goodbye or anything like that, just like he promised. He got out and said, “I will catch you later" then he shut the door and was gone. As I pulled out on to the street I thought, I hope he didn't mean anything by "Catch me later.”

  CHAPTER 24

  The next time I talked to Colt was a week after the road trip. I had texted him, but got no response. Finally he called me asking if I could pick him up from the airport. I had just pulled up to the pickup area when he came walking out, luggage in hand. I was not trying to be a bitch, but if he couldn’t respond to my texts, I was not getting out of the car to welcome him. I popped the trunk and waited for him to get in on the passenger side. He opened the door and plopped in leaning over to give me a kiss. Really? Of course I kissed him back. Did you forget who I am? Then he said,"How was your week?"

  "Mine was great, aside from the fact you can't answer a simple text or thirty? But I'm not worried because clearly it works, being you were able to call me when you needed something." I was still pissed obviously.

  "I'm sorry, Sadie. I went to visit Maddie and just needed some space. Not from you so much, but from everything. Life is just getting fucking crazy and I needed to just breathe."

  "You came back from a weekend road trip and needed to get away but I can't possibly think it was because of me. Doesn't that come across as bullshit to you, because it does to me?"

  He stayed quiet for a minute. Long enough to let me know I hit the nail on the head. Did he know about Tony? You know what? It doesn’t matter if he does. I know about tons of girls. I have never asked him once to be faithful to me. That would be a pointless endeavor.

  "I love hanging out with you. You make me happy. I just needed time away is all."

  "Time away from me?"

  "No. Just time away."

  "If that’s all you’re going to give me to go on, then fine, I will leave it alone for now. But sometime soon I would like to know what's going on with you."

  "You will, I promise. So anyway, how was your week?"

  "Well, the guys left to go home. Shawn is doing well. I went up to ‘51’ to see him on Wednesday night. Heather and Jason are good as ever. Mike and Tony have been MIA all week. What else is there to tell ya?

  "I asked how your week was. Not everyone else's."

  "Forgive me. I worked, came home, worked again, went out, came home, work..."

  "Smart ass. I get your point. Well, my week was great. Maddie loved the Tweety bird you got for her. She told me to tell you thank you."

  "Aw, tell her you’re welcome from me."

  "I will. Are you hungry? I could buy you lunch or something for picking me up."

  "I could eat. What sounds good?"

  "A juicy burger. What about you?"

  "Always, I love a good burger. So can we go to Lone State, they have a bubba burger that is awesome?"

  "Whatever you want, beautiful."

  We ate lunch and then I drove him home. I went inside with him and still couldn't get past all the locks it took to get through the door. When would be a good time to say, ‘Are you going crazy?’ There really isn't one. He walked through the place inspecting it for anything out of place. What could be out of place and who could have gotten through the wall of locks he has on the door? Again, how do I ask? I just stood in one spot until he was done. Then as if it was me losing my mind he looked at me and said, "Why are you just standing there? Have a seat. You know you are always welcome here. What is going on with you?"

  Me? Really? I just walked over to the couch, sat down, grabbed the remote and started flipping channels. Colt came over to sit down with me. He told me about Jamie getting a new job and how he was hoping that now he wouldn't need to send so much money. That she could start paying some of the bills since he paid double for here and there. Maddie started gymnastics. He showed me pictures of her in her leotard. She was so cute. She looked nothing like her dad, but I couldn’t vouch for her mother. Colt had no pictures of Jamie on his phone. He talked about his parents. They weren’t close. His dad was a jackass, so as Colt grew up they grew apart. At least he still talked to his mom every once in a while. It was getting late so I was going to just go home but Colt asked me to stay with him.

  "Aw Colt, you want me to have a sleep over. You know that requires a great breakfast, right?"

  "Anything for you, Sadie. I would do anything for you."

  "Don't be a kiss ass now. You can save that shit for the morning when I ask for the most kick ass breakfast you can make. It’s my favorite meal of the day by far."

  "Oh. I know. Do I need to go to the store tonight or do I have what you're going to want already here?"

  I got up and saw eggs, bread, bacon, sausage, vegetables, cheese, and fruit, everything that I would like.

  "Hey Colt", I called from the kitchen, "Is any of this food still any good from last week?"

  "Yeah, it will be fine."

  The next afternoon I was sicker than a dog. The food was not fine. He was laying right there on the floor in his bathroom with me. We had food poisoning and it was awful. While we threw up, we were there to support each other. When it came time for the other end, we gave much needed space to each other. One bathroom and two sick people was awful. Hours had gone by and it was only getting worse. Dehydration was a serious factor at this point. I was getting scared. Because we were not contagious, I conjured up all the energy I had to dial Heather’s phone number. I begged her to buy the whole damn drug store if it could make us feel better. When she finally showed up, she had Jason in tow. They stood over us laughing to their heart's content. Somehow they found it funny. How could this be funny? I was dying slowly and they were laughing at me.

  "Sadie, honey? (Laugh) You don't have any pants on. (Laugh) Where are your pants? (Laugh) Or your underwear? (Laugh)

  Remind me to kill her when I am not dying.

  "I shit my pants, okay?!" I barely got that out I was so weak. Jason and Heather were practically hyperventilating. I hated them and wanted God to strike them dead right there in front of me. Colt hadn't opened his eyes or said a word. I could see he was breathing, or I really would be panicked that this was the end for me also. I was spent. I couldn’t even lift my head to tell them to fuck off. I needed to throw up again. I don't know how. There was nothing left inside me. I used everything I had and all I got was halfway across Colt before it started coming out. I was puking on my boyfriend’s (or whatever you want to call him) head. I didn’t want to. I just couldn't move again to get any closer to the toilet. He wasn't even movin
g to get away from me either. He just let out a groan. Jason must have just caught on because I heard, "oh shit!" And then he grabbed me and carried me to the toilet so I could continue to get sick. The two of them eventually left and it was back to just Colt and me. Sleep came in waves. We never left the bathroom floor. It was the following morning when I woke up. Everything hurt. I got up and climbed into his bed. I probably am a terrible person for leaving him on the floor, but I just didn't care. When I woke up again, Colt was in bed next to me. I guess he figured it out too. I fell back asleep. It was the afternoon when I finally felt like I could get out of bed. I went and brushed my teeth first thing. Poor Colt, now he really did need a new toothbrush. I made it out to the couch with a bottle of water, grabbed a blanket and turned on the TV. I didn’t really care what I watched. I was channel surfing when I came across a movie with Kate Hudson and Jason Lee. It was her role as Penny Lane that made me love this movie. I was half way through it when Colt crawled out onto the sofa with me. He said he had never seen the movie. It was great reliving the first time I saw it through his eyes. When it was over he turned to me and said, "That was so stupid.”

  "What? That is one of my favorite movies of all time."

  "Then I feel sorry for you. That was terrible."

  "I'm so not speaking to you. You poison me and then hate my movie! I didn't ask for either..."

  "Shut up, Sadie."

  "What did you just say to me?"

  "I love ya but you need to just shut up! I still don't feel good and I don't want you to yell at me right now. I can't handle it."

  "Okay, I'm sorry. Did you want the remote?" I handed it to him and then laid back down under the covers.

  "Sadie?"

  "Yeah?"

  "Were Jason and Heather here yesterday?"

  "Yes."

  "Did you shit your pants?"

  "Yes"

  "Okay. Just checking."

  I wanted to die all over again. Somebody just kill me now. I was never going to hear the end of this, and it wasn’t even my fault. He poisoned me! I could be juvenile and say ‘did you say you love me’ and make him answer, but I didn’t. I just laid there and watched Step Brothers with Will Farrell.

  We stayed on that couch all night. Good thing his flight came in on a Monday. I would have had to work today. How would I have explained that to my boss? Neither of us felt up to eating dinner. So we just watched more TV until someone knocked on the door. It was ten o’clock at night and no one called to see if he was home, so it must be Jason or Heather coming to check on us. I got up to go with Colt to the door when he asked me if I could just stay back. Why? But I thought it might be one of his girls and how awkward would that be if I were standing right there. I tried as hard as I could to hear what was being said. But the other voice wasn't who I thought it would be, not at all actually. It was a man. I heard something about picking up a package and then Colt said he was sick and the guy needed to come back tomorrow. The door closed and then he was back on the couch like that didn't just happen. No way was I letting that go.

  "Who was that?"

  "Just a friend."

  "Well, does just a friend have a name?"

  "He sure does. Do you want me to hook you up with him?” He was smiling. I wasn’t.

  "Colt, he said something about a package. What's going on and please don't lie to me."

  "Sadie, I don't want to have to lie to you, but this is personal, and I don't want to get you involved."

  "I'm already involved, Colt. I'm here."

  "No, you are here but you are not, nor will you ever be involved."

  "You’re scaring me. Why can't you just tell me? Is this the same reason you put all those locks on your door?"

  "Sadie, I'm done talking about this. Why don't we just go back to bed? We need the sleep after being so sick anyway."

  "Speaking of sick, we both need showers badly. I don't know if you remember or not but I might have thrown up a little on your head. As far as what's going on with you, we will be talking about this later. I'm just too tired to argue my point tonight."

  "You threw up on my head! No wonder I keep smelling puke. I brushed my teeth and still kept smelling it. That's fucking disgusting, Sadie. Why didn't you use the toilet like everyone else?" He got up to walk to the bathroom to take a shower. I would have joined him, but I was still trying to figure out what was going on with him so I just shouted, "Long story. Jason will fill you in, I'm sure."

  I did wait until he was out to get in. My whole body felt like it was beaten by a baseball bat. I washed every crevice and my hair, twice. The need to feel clean consumed me. When I got out I remembered I had no underwear, or clothes for that matter. I went to his room and just grabbed the same boxers that were now becoming mine and the tank I always used. Colt was already asleep when I walked in. I turned off the light, climbed over him into his bed and covered up. Instinctively Colt rolled to his side to grab me and pull me in to him. When his breathing rhythm returned to a sleeping pattern and I was certain he was asleep, it was only then that I had the guts to say, "I love you too."

  CHAPTER 25

  Summer went by fairly quickly. Colt went back and forth between home and here twice a month. Jason and Heather were still going strong. Mike was still Mike, being the hard core player that he is. That fight made him a celebrity on so many levels. Girls flock to him and he eats it up. Tony has been consumed by some important court case that we can't know anything about. Dave and Angie broke up, but are now back together. Shawn is even dating a girl he met at ‘51’. Her name is Ashlee and she is a blast.

  I worked as much as I could to save up to get the new Dodge Charger that came out and I had just picked it up. All the guys got back in town for school last week. Colt was up at the University workout facility working to condition the wrestlers already for the up and coming season. I was on my way up there to meet him when he was done and show him my new car. I pulled up in the back parking lot and turned my car off. I rolled down the windows and let the night breeze in. The wrestlers should have been done fifteen minutes ago, so after showers I was figuring in the next five minutes he should be coming out. He didn't know about my car yet and I couldn’t wait to surprise him. A couple of rows down from me was another car with another girl in it. My guess was she was a girlfriend waiting just like me. I am not an official girlfriend, but I feel like I am sometimes. And here they come all clean and fresh. I watched Colt walk out last and I wonder if it will ever get old. The chills I got, taking in the walk, the body, and the sex appeal, it just always seemed to get to me. But remember that girl in the car? She just ran up to Colt. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her. They talked for a bit, and by this point the parking lot had cleared out. Their voices were getting louder as they took in that no one could hear them anymore, except me, which they must not have paid much attention to. The girl was getting upset. She started to grab her stomach and I thought she was going to get sick. But then Colt started to freak out. They were loud enough that I made out the one word that I never expected to hear, "baby.” No way. No way was this happening. I couldn't do this right now. I wanted to leave, but I needed to hear what they were saying. Colt said, "Are you sure?”

  She said, "Three months." Colt said, "Paternity test." She said, "Not needed." I was done. I turned the car back on, put it in drive and left.

  I went to ‘51’, where I knew Colt wouldn't be coming. He changed his schedule to allow more time for coaching at the university. He was assisting, not the head coach by any means, but he loved it. I just needed a drink to process all of this. A baby? Did he not learn his lesson with Jamie? He was always so careful in the beginning with me. But then again, we haven't used a condom in months. What if that girl said she was on the pill? Would he believe her? He believed me. Holy shit! Dave was bartending again so I walked up and said hello. Then I ordered a shot of Jager. Dave instantly asked me what was wrong. I just said "stuff." Nice and blah, I didn’t know what to say. He poured the shot, but before
he handed it to me, he asked for my keys. If I was going to start the night with Jager, there was no way I was driving my new car. I handed them over. He looked at the key ring and said, "These aren’t yours."

  "Yes, they are as of today. I bought that Charger that I have been drooling over for a year."

  "No shit! That's awesome. Are you sure you want to leave it here over night? On second thought, if you plan on hanging out I will just call Angie and have her meet me at your house when I get off. That way you get home safe and I get to drive your bad ass new car. It’s a win, win situation, so drink up" he handed me the shot finally and it was gone in seconds. I ordered another one. When he brought that one over he said, “I don't know what’s wrong, but your problem might have just walked in." I looked over and sure enough Colt was standing there staring at me. He walked over and sat down on the stool next to me. “This seat taken?"

  "Nice line. Did you get that one from your grandpa?"

  "Ouch. Someone is crabby tonight. What happened?"

  "Did something happen to you tonight?"

  "No. Was there supposed to be something?"

  "Colt, I'm really tired of the lies. It is your night off. You wouldn't be in here either if there wasn't something wrong."

  "I came in to talk to one of my employees, not drink. You, on the other hand, have been slamming shots. So it’s your turn to fess up."