Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  "I need to go apologize to Cindy. She.."

  "No need to hurry. She left."

  "I am so embarrassed. I think I am going to get out of here myself."

  "You are not driving anywhere. Steve took Cindy home. If you want to go, you can wait for him to come back and get you."

  I couldn’t argue with the fact that I shouldn’t drive, so we walked back out to the kitchen. Everybody was awesome about not bringing up what had happened. We just sat around and talked, laughed and drank. These were good people. I think I found another avenue to fill my time. With Heather going MIA on me, Tony being better and Colt acting the way he is, I had plenty of it. I started to get tired so I walked over to her couch and sat down. A while later I thought I heard my cell phone ring, but I was too tired to care. Sleep was calling me and I was answering it willingly.

  I was uncomfortable enough to toss and turn but not to come out of the sleep I was in. Most refer to it as being passed out. But then my dream state moved directions and I heard Colt say my name. He was trying to wake me up to get some and I was still pissed off at him enough to deny him. He continued to nudge me until I slapped his hand hard and said, "Not a chance in hell tonight. Leave me alone." What I wasn’t expecting was the laughter that followed. Then again it happens in plenty of my dreams. Haven't you ever had one where you’re trying your hardest to do something but it won't work and everyone is laughing at you? Well that was happening right now. Every time he nudges me, I keep slapping him harder and harder and then the laughing got louder. I was beyond pissed when finally Colt picked me up. Bad idea. I punched him. Then I realized it was a bad idea on my part when he dropped me on my ass and I heard, "Ouch." Oh shit, not again! Could this night get any worse?

  "Listen here, Rocky, no more throwing punches do hear me?" As he picked me up again. "Thanks for letting me know where to come and get her guys. It was nice to meet you."

  I grabbed a hold of his shoulders around his neck and nuzzled in to my comfort spot. I still was half out of it so I let him continue to carry me out to his car. When he got me in to my seat and strapped the seatbelt in place I said, "Colt? Is it really you?"

  "Yeah, beautiful, it’s really me." He closed the door, walked around the car, got in and drove off. I was back asleep in no time.

  The next thing I knew he was carrying me up the stairs into his apartment. Once we were inside, he took me into his room and set me down on the bed. He removed my shoes and pants, leaving me in my shirt and panties. Once he helped me take my bra off, I was curled up in a ball ready to sleep the night away. I heard rustling around the room and then Colt was in the bed with me. He pulled me to my spot and wrapped his arms around me. I was almost asleep when I heard him say, “I've got you now, go to sleep."

  "Please don't ever let me go." Came out of my mouth without permission, I just didn’t have the strength to take it back, but to be honest, I really didn’t want to.

  I woke up in Colt’s arms. The whole night before came back to me instantly. Having fun, throwing up, and punching Colt. What does alcohol do to me? I sat up and stretched realizing I still had my shirt on. That's a first. I have never woken up in Colt’s bed with clothes on.

  "What are you thinking about over there?" He never pulled his head from the pillow as he spoke. How did he know I was thinking anything?

  "Just about last night."

  "Which part? The part where you punched me?"

  "That and the fact I puked all of over some girl. Although at the time I shouldn't have felt bad about it."

  Colt sat straight up, looked at me and said, "You threw up on someone?"

  "Sure did. How did you know where I was?"

  "I called your phone. Now back to you puking on a girl. How did you manage that one?"

  Did I really want to go there again? Well, if I was supposed to be past this, it should not bother me anymore to talk about it. So I went on to tell him how she kept telling me how I was not shit and how she fucked around with James and then threw it in my face. Then I told him how James had treated her. How my stomach was turning with every word she spoke and when the name came out, I lost it. Colt’s response was, "That mother fucker needs his ass whooped. And it sounds like the girl was being a bitch. She got what she deserved"

  "I completely agree."

  "Now, why did you punch me?"

  "Maybe because you haven't called me or given me anything other than a ‘how was your Valentine's Day’ text. You deserved worse."

  "I deserved that comment also." He grabbed me and pulled me into a straddle position. "I'm sorry, Sadie. You didn't deserve any of what's been happening to you lately, other than what Tony did for you. That was exactly what you deserved."

  "Do you think we could use the word deserve any more than we already have, seriously?"

  He grabbed me and pulled me down so he could kiss my neck seductively, "You deserve that," his kisses stayed where they were until he sat me up to pull my shirt over my head. That's when he pulled me back down enough to put my breast in his mouth and for his tongue to run the length of it. He removed his mouth just long enough to get the words "You deserve this" out. This little game of "Deserve" went on until he managed to kiss every, and I mean every, part of my body. In the end, I never thought I could use the word again in my life without thinking of this moment.

  After our play time, I got into the shower. My head was pounding from lack of Advil. I heard Colt come in and brush his teeth, but thankfully he let me take this shower by myself. When I got out I smelled breakfast. Maybe that will make me feel better? I went to his room to grab my clothes from the night before. After I got dressed, I went to the kitchen to find him setting the table. Syrup was involved this time so I knew pancakes where in the mix. Yum! I took a seat at the table and waited. I could act as if I was ready to let it all blow over but I wasn’t. I had a lot of questions.

  Colt carried the stack of pancakes to the table and served me two. He then put butter and syrup on them.

  "Did you confuse me with Maddie there for a second?"

  "What? Why would you say that?"

  "Duh, you just made my plate for me."

  "Can't I do something nice without being made fun of?”

  "If you would like to do something nice, tell me where you were for eight days."

  "The last thing I want to do is fight with you, Sadie, maybe we should just talk about something else."

  "Or, maybe not."

  "Okay. Since when do I have to check in with you or give you my whereabouts, you are not my..."

  "Don't! Don't go there, Colt. It’s about respect. It’s about alleviating some of the worry that built up when you came back acting strange. And speaking of strange, you haven't given two fucks about me and then you swoop in like my knight in shining armor last night. What the fuck, Colt?"

  He didn't even acknowledge that I spoke. He just walked out of the room. I stayed in my seat until I boiled over and went to find him. He was sitting on his bed when I walked in.

  "So this is how this ends? You can't even give me an answer?

  His face dropped to his hands. When his head came back up, he looked me in the eye.

  "I was in Macomb. Western has offered me a coaching position after I graduate. We have a little less than four months before I am out of here. It's something I don't like to think about when it comes to you. Sure, I need to figure out my future, but not about leaving you."

  Wow. EIU rivals WIU. I wonder what the other coaches think about Western Illinois trying to bring in one of their own. Most importantly, what about going home? What about Maddie?

  "What about your daughter? Are you not going home when you’re done here?"

  "I told them no. I thanked them for the offer but declined. I have to go home. There is no choice in that."

  "Yeah, you’re right about that. She needs her dad."

  "Sadie, I didn't mean to avoid you. Actually, I did. I couldn't spend Valentine’s Day with you. I am not your boyfriend. I don’t want you get
ting the wrong idea. I am leaving."

  "I know. I have known this from the beginning. Why feel the need to drill it in now. Or run? I can't say I'm looking forward to graduation, but you are not the only one I'm losing. Dave, Bryan, Geoff, Shawn, Angie, Ashlee. You’re not the only one leaving Colt. With the little time we all have left, can we enjoy it? Not avoid it?"

  "I didn't think that way. Of course you’re losing all of us. I just want to make sure you are going to be okay?"

  "Do I seem that broken to you? That I'm going to lose my shit when you guys leave? I will miss you all, but my life is here." I have no idea why these words are coming out of my mouth. It’s going to fucking crush me when he leaves. I would follow him anywhere if he would ask me. These are the lies. All lies. But I won’t let him see me as weak.

  "My beautiful Sadie, you were never broken. You may have viewed yourself that way but you are one of the strongest, most amazing people I have ever met. Don't question how I see you. I know you will be just fine." He grabbed me but his kiss was soft, sweet. When he pulled back he said, "So what is your plan for the day?"

  It was Sunday, one of my days off. I really didn’t have any plans other than to swing by Tony’s.

  "I don't really have any plans."

  "Well, I would love to spend the day with you."

  "You’re on. What do ya want to do?"

  "Lie in bed and have you every way I want to have you, all day and night."

  "I think that could be arranged."

  CHAPTER 33

  Three weeks later Colt was going home for the week. Maddie was turning five and he wouldn’t have missed it for the world. I had just walked in to his house when I heard him say, "No, I will take her. I'm going to be there for five days, Jamie. Let me just do it. I miss enough." He looked over in my direction and a huge smile lit up his face. "Listen, Jamie. Sadie just got here. I'm on my way to the airport now. We will discuss this when I get there. Did you remember to pick up the package I sent? Good. Okay, I will see you in a bit. Alright, bye." He hung up the phone and came over to give me a kiss.

  "What happened?"

  "Oh nothing. Jamie is just being a bitch about me taking Maddie to the doctor. She says because I haven't been the one to take her, she might freak out or get scared. It's stupid. She's five now. She knows the doctor. I just think Jamie doesn't want to let go of the control. I normally wouldn't care, but Maddie asked me if I could be the one to take her this time. See what I mean, it’s nothing to be arguing about."

  I hated that he had to fight with Jamie over something as small as taking his daughter to the doctor. Unless there was something wrong with her.

  "Is there a problem? I mean, why does she need to see a doctor?"

  "That's the craziest part. This is her pediatrician. There is no problem. When you turn five, you go for a checkup and maybe a few immunization shots. Whatever, it’s my daughter’s birthday. I don't want to think about this crap."

  "Understood. Go celebrate! You can handle Jamie. Just have a blast with Maddie. If Jamie won't budge, just have all three of you go."

  "That's a genius idea. What would I do without you? In fact, you want to come? It would make it a lot easier dealing with Jamie, that's for sure."

  I stood there with my mouth open. Did he just ask me to go? Colt took in my expression and immediately corrected his miss use of words.

  "I wouldn't ever put you in the middle like that. It was a joke. Don't freak out on me, girl. You still have to get me to the airport." I was still a little stunned but recovered quickly with, "Like I would want to be a part of that mess. I have plans anyway."

  "Let’s walk and talk, I've got to get going."

  "Yes, sir." We walked out of the house with bags in hand.

  "I like that. You can refer to me as sir whenever you feel the need." He pinched my ass and then opened the trunk to put his bags in.

  "Only if you’re lucky, old man."

  "You are the lucky one. If I didn't need to be at the airport right now, I would have you spread eagle on my bed reminding you just what this old man can do."

  We got in the car and closed the doors. As I turned the ignition I said, "Nice cop out with the, I have to go speech."

  He grabbed me by the back of my head and slammed a kiss on me that made me see stars.

  "Don't tempt me, Sadie. Now get going. I have a little girl that wants her daddy."

  When we got to the airport and I dropped him off and kissed him goodbye. When I drove away I thought, ‘He does make one great dad.’ Why am I thinking about having children with him now? I am losing my mind when it comes to him.

  That night I swung by ‘51’ to check in with my friends. It made it easy to do considering all of them including Tony were going to be there. I walked in and Dave was the first face I got to see.

  "Hey there, good looking!" He hopped over the bar and picked me up in a hug. "It’s good to see ya, girl. Glad you came out tonight. You do know the management brought in karaoke. They said it would bring in a new crowd. Diversify, was the term they used."

  "It's not a bad idea. But I'm not getting up there."

  "We will see. Did you see Heather yet? She was looking for you."

  "Nope. I just got here. "

  "Well in that case, I think they are in the back."

  I gave Dave a kiss on the cheek and went off to find my other friends. I watched all the people out on the dance floor and thought, I've got some catching up to do. They were tearing it up out there. I was not paying much attention to where I was going and smacked right into Geoff.

  "Walk much?"

  "Are we back to this again? What did I do to you? I thought we moved on."

  "We did. You didn't. No, we're not, and it was a joke. Lighten up, pip squeak."

  "That made no sense but I will take it."

  "Let me grab you a drink. What's calling to you?"

  "That would be great. Red bull and vodka sounds good."

  "Done. I will bring it over to the table for you."

  "Thanks, Geoff."

  I continued to walk back until I finally saw the crowd. What I didn’t see was Mike sneaking up behind me. Soon enough I was in his arms.

  "What's your name, little one? Can I buy you a drink?"

  "You’re a dork. Put me down." He set me down so I could turn around and say," I drink for free, did you forget?"

  "Oh, the many perks of being Colt’s Sadie."

  "You got it." We laughed and played around until hands wrapped around my waist from behind. I knew those hands. They had definitely gained back their strength also. I spun around and threw myself in the arms of Tony.

  "Glad you came."

  "Me too."

  We walked back together and found the rest of the gang. I ended up on Tony’s lap due to the lack of chairs, but it was all good having the group together. Bryan was talking about how weird it was that Marissa decided to come here after all. He was going home and she would be coming here. I promised to watch out for her. So did Heather and the brothers. Geoff came back with my drink which I thanked him for. Shawn was telling us about how Angie asked him to move back with her, which made me so happy. I knew he didn't have much to go home to and now he would be taken care of. Dave brought over a round of shots and said he and Ashlee were going to try for the long distance thing and see how that goes before they decide on anything else. Heather talked about the wedding, which was in a year and a half. Everyone had already said they were coming back for it .I just do not think she could help talking about it sometimes. It seemed it was always on her brain. Tony told us all that he still is in the clear. It takes months, if not years, to declare remission, so he just takes it a day at a time.

  The shots kept coming as we discussed the trip Jason, Heather, Shawn and Angie went on over Valentine's Day. Mike would not stop bragging about how good he hooked them up. The more they talked about how cool it was, the worse it got. You could actually see his head swell. We all laughed and joked around. Everyone was having a gre
at time until the karaoke dude started. I was looking forward to laughing at the participants when he came on the microphone and said, "We have a very special lady in the house tonight. Her friend, Heather, has told me so much about this extraordinary talent that I can’t wait to hear her myself. So let’s get the night started off with Sadie!" No, she didn't?

  I whipped my head around but Heather was hiding behind Jason. Tony squeezed me and said, "It will be alright. Just get up there and do what you do, girl. You got this."

  No, I did not. Not a single song was in my head. Why people think that just because you can you should, is beyond me. I didn’t want to do it. Tony whispered in my ear, "Just sing from your heart."

  I got up and was walking over when a bunch of cheers started and I hadn’t even sung yet. I hoped I didn’t disappoint anybody. My song selection hit me as I got up to the karaoke guy. I grabbed the microphone and said, "This is a spur of the moment song choice decision so bear with me."

  Three Doors Down’s song "Here without you" started to play. My eyes closed once again to make it easier for the room to disappear and for it to feel like it was just me, all alone. With Colt gone and all of us discussing what is going to happen next, this song kind of jumped out at me. When it came to a close the room was quiet. I waited a few seconds and then I started to panic. I said into to microphone, "I warned you. Sorry I killed the mood. I can sing something more upbeat if you want? How about, "We can't stop" by Miley Cyrus." I looked over at the karaoke dude and told him to get a move on it, while he just stared at me. He eventually leaned over to me and said, "You don't have to sing again. It’s not that they didn't like it. You broke their hearts is all. That was beautiful."

  "Well, guess what? I don't want anyone's heart to be broken so, can you play the next song, please?" I was straight panicking. I didn't want to go back out there and face the crowd, my friends especially. What was I thinking picking that song? Stupid! Then music interrupted my thoughts and I had my out. "It’s our party we can do what we want" and then it was done. The panic, the worry, it was all gone. As I sang this song, people came out on the dance floor to dance. Others stood on their chairs. The place went from somber to having a blast. By the time the song closed and the last words were sung, I finished proudly and walked back to my friends.