Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

I got up and he threw me over his shoulder and ran down the hall. The stairs scared the shit out of me again. He actually walked down those this time. Ash didn’t put me down until we reached the concrete counter tops that he set me on, and they were freezing on my bare ass cheeks. He laughed and told me, "With those size cheeks, your body heat should have that warm in no time." My jaw dropped to the floor. He grabbed the sides of my butt with his hands and shook it back and forth wiggling it. Can you say mortified?

  "Stop! I hate you."

  "But I really like you." He nuzzled in to my neck. "And I'm getting really hungry."

  He killed me truly when he started getting out flour and yeast, or whatever it’s called, that makes crust.

  "You mean really make pizza? Not frozen?"

  "My mother is Italian. She would hit me if I even thought about a frozen pizza. Come help me. It will be fun."

  I got down and walked around to the counter as he spread flour across it.

  "It looks messy."

  "Really?" He slapped my cheeks with flour covered hands. "Don't be afraid to get a little dirty, Sadie" this time he slapped my other cheeks with it, "I like my girl a little dirty."

  He is so unbelievably sexy!

  "You'll get your dirty girl. I promise you that. Now let’s get this pizza made. Wait a minute, do we have to still make the sauce? I can make it, but my mom’s way takes hours."

  He walked over to the fridge and grabbed a ketchup bottle.

  "Ketchup pizza? No thanks." I walked over to his phone and said, "I will order..." he slapped my hand away.

  "My mother stocks pizza sauce in my fridge. Ketchup bottles just make it easy. Now get over here and knead this dough."

  I went to stand in front of him and we together kneaded the dough. How he could make something so domestic so much fun was beyond me. But I loved it.

  Eventually we were able to pull out a pizza (that I felt the need to take a picture of) that smelled and looked perfect. He actually has a pizza oven. Not an oven for everything like I have. He has one of those too. When it finally cooled, Ash sliced it and then fed it to me. It was incredible. The best pizza I have ever eaten.

  "So what do you think?"

  I wanted so bad to tell him the truth, but I had to play with him a little more.

  "It was really good. It tastes just like Imo’s."

  I shocked him stupid. He truly was speechless. I reached over and kissed him.

  "I’m kidding. It is by far my favorite of all time. Although, I do like to dive into some Imo’s every now and then."

  We ate almost all of the pizza. Ash put the rest in a container for me to take home.

  "How am I getting home? I didn't bring my car."

  "You can stay in one of the guest bedrooms and I will take you to your car in the morning."

  "Oh, okay. That will work. Thanks."

  I started to walk up the stairs when Ash grabbed me and body slammed me on the couch.

  "Under this roof woman, you will sleep nowhere but in my bed with me. Understand?"

  "Nope. I didn't hear you ask once?"

  "I'm sorry. Sadie, will you please let me rub on you tonight."

  "Absolutely you can."

  This time he and I both went up the stairs side by side. He walked me to a closet that held tooth brushes and floss, towels, soap. Everything you could possibly need. I reached for a tooth brush and for the first time, thought of Colt. After the crap night I was having, it ended up perfect. I was not going to let a tooth brush bring me down.

  "What's taking you so long? Come to bed, woman. I can't wait to feel you next to me all night."

  I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Then I walked into his room. We never did put clothes on and somehow I got to the point that I had forgotten they were gone. Not anymore. He was laying there in his boxers and I wanted him just as bad as I did earlier. I leaned on the door frame and just watched him. He never took his eyes off me, but I could see the tent raise.

  "What are we going to do about this?"

  "We are going to do this right, that's what. Now come to bed."

  The lights went off and we just laid there. Eventually he pulled me into a spooning position where his elbow rested on my stomach and his hand cupping my boob. My nipples could cut glass and he was hard as a rock. I thought sleep would never come. But slowly it did. Ash flipped to his back, I fell in the nook of his arm and that is all it took.

  "Good night, Sadie."

  "Good night, Ash."

  It might have taken awhile to find our niche, but we found it and sleep came finally for the both of us.

  CHAPTER 38

  I woke up feeling like I got the best sleep I’ve had in weeks. Next to me was a sleeping God. We never did have sex last night, but I can't say we didn’t wake up and play around a little. Part of me really wanted to take him up on his offer. I would love to see where this could go. But in the back of my mind sits Colt. I need to finish this right if he really is letting me go. I always knew the time was coming. I guess I just lived in my own fairy tale universe thinking he would confess his undying love for me. Ash stirred so I knew my time to think was coming to an end.

  "Good morning, handsome."

  He popped one eye open and looked at me. "Best morning ever."

  He grabbed me and pulled me into him tighter.

  "There's nothing I want more than to kiss those swollen morning lips, but I have funk breath."

  "I completely agree on the funk breath theory."

  He jumped out of bed and said, "That is just mean. You’re not smelling like roses yourself, hotcakes."

  Now I was mortified. I followed him to the bathroom and we brushed our teeth in unison. The undies, as Ash would call them, were shed in the night, so we were standing there in the complete nude. Morning time was affecting Ash as it does any man, but wow is the best word I can come up with to describe what is right in front of me. He didn’t seem to notice the drool pooling at the sides of my mouth. He was superb standing there in all his glory. I couldn’t wait to have that all to myself. He eventually caught on to the fact I had paused mid brush.

  "You like what you see or something?"

  "Actually, I think you have a wart or growth on the side of it."

  "What?" He immediately grabbed his package and started examining it. I fell over laughing.

  "You think that's funny, do you?" He flung me over his shoulder and carried me back to the bed while I was kicking and screaming. He threw me down and jumped on top of me. We wrestled around laughing, until at one point I thought I was going to go pee right there.

  "Ash, stop. I haven't gone to the bathroom yet. I have to go."

  He kept tickling me and would not stop.

  "Oh my God, please." I was laughing so hard it was impossible to talk on a serious tone. I literally started to go. I could not hold it any longer, when Ash jumped off of me.

  "Holy shit. You weren't kidding." I was already in the bathroom by the time he finished his statement. When I was done, I came back out, walked over to the bed and said, "Don't you dare say a word. It’s your fault."

  "It’s my fault, you peed in my bed like a little girl? I don't think so. Now come here so I can punish you." He grabbed my hand and pulled me down across his lap. And then began to spank me. He rubbed me between each swat, so it didn’t really hurt but I screamed and kicked like a tortured child.

  "Let me go!"

  "Not a chance. This ass is too fucking sexy for words."

  "Now you’re into the whole spanking thing? Kind of kinky, don't you think?"

  "Never thought of it like that, but I'm beginning to get some good ideas."

  I twisted until I was free. Then I climbed on his lap.

  "You are a sick son of a bitch."

  "And you’re going to find out someday just how much you’re going to enjoy it."

  In a very screwed up way, I was kind of looking forward to it. What is wrong with me?

  "In your dreams you would get that lucky."
<
br />   "Oh girl, you’re already my dream come true. Now my life's mission is to make all yours happen."

  "A little sappy, don't ya think?"

  "That was pretty bad, wasn't it?"

  "You have to think about it?"

  "Leave me alone or I will truly show you what a spanking feels like."

  He pushed me off of him.

  "Aw, poor baby. Did I hurt your feelings?"

  "Keep going, Sadie, and you will be screaming my name for another reason."

  It was time to stop. I kissed him with enough I am sorry built into it, that words were not necessary. When I pulled back, it was for a reason I wish weren’t true.

  "I need to get going. I have to work today."

  "I'm afraid of how much shit I'm going to get for this, but I really am not ready to let you go yet." He grabbed me and pulled me back in.

  I knew what he was saying through his hold on me and I couldn’t make that promise yet. But I could say this, "I'm not going anywhere but to work, Ash. I promise."

  He leaned back and smiled at me. It was then that I knew that was all the reassurance he needed. I got up and put my clothes back on. It felt strange. I had kind of gotten used to the idea of being naked when I was at Ash’s. I must truly be turning into a weirdo. When we walked back through the house, I took it in one more time. This place is truly magnificent. We walked out the door, into the garage and got into his car. He pulled in through a drive thru so that we could grab a quick breakfast. Too soon, we were back at my car.

  "I really had a great time with you, Ash, last night was a blast. Maybe we could do it again sometime soon?"

  "You bet, Sadie. I would love that."

  I leaned over and gave him a kiss goodbye. I intended for it to be a quick one, but Ash wanted to make sure that I remember exactly what we had together. Raw sexual tension is the best way that I could describe what I was feeling. There was no doubt in my mind I was going to find out exactly what it is between us. I wasn’t ready for it to stop but he eventually pulled back.

  "Will you get out already, woman?”

  "Funny guy. Alright Ash, thanks again and I'll talk to you soon" I got out, got in my car and just beamed a smile like no other. I drove off and was almost home when my phone dinged again letting me know I had a text. I just knew it was going to be Ash with another one of his quirky messages. I pulled into my parking space, got my phone out of my purse and was excited as all hell to hear what he came up with next.

  Ash: U LOOK GOOD IN MY HOUSE. I'M BACK HERE AND SOMETHING SEEMED 2 B MISSING. THEN I REALIZED IT WAS U.

  Me: I PLAN ON BECOMING A SUBTLE DECORATION THERE. WOULD THAT B OK?"

  Ash: MORE THAN JUST OK. BUT U SADIE COULD NEVER BE A SUBTLE ANYTHING. HAVE A GREAT DAY PRINCESS.

  Me: U 2

  I put my phone back in my purse and walked into an empty house again. I was wondering if Heather wanted to move out but felt bad about the rent. I was going to have to talk to her about that. I jumped in the shower and got ready for work. When I was leaving, Tony called to see how my night went.

  "It was so much fun. We made a pizza."

  "That’s so not at all what I thought you were going to tell me."

  "Me either, if you would’ve asked me when we got to his house, but we talked and decided it was best not to push anything yet."

  "Are you telling me you want to wait until it's special or some shit? Sadie, what happened to you? Are you okay?"

  "Don't be a smart ass. Ash told me I needed to straighten out what was going on with Colt first. He said he won't share me."

  "In all seriousness, I really like this guy, if I haven't said that already."

  "Yeah, me too."

  "So, what about Colt? Are you ready to walk away?"

  "No."

  "Then you have a lot to figure out. Good luck with that."

  "Thanks. I'm going to need it. I gotta go, but I will talk to you later."

  "Sounds good. Bye, Sadie girl."

  When I hung up, my phone still was blinking from a notification. I opened it up and saw another text. This one was from Colt

  Colt: WE NEED TO TALK

  That was all it said. Part of me wanted to ignore it, but the other part was excited that he was ready to get past all this. I responded to him with

  Me: SOUNDS GOOD. WORKING TODAY. WILL TOMORROW WORK?

  He immediately came back with

  Colt: YES. CAN WE MEET AT THE COFFEE SHOP?"

  Well, that's neutral ground if I have ever heard of one. Seriously? What was wrong with my house or his?

  Me: THAT'S FINE. 2:00?

  Colt: C U THEN

  And that was it. Why wasn't I looking forward to this anymore? It felt like a tsunami was going to take me out. I had a full day of work ahead of me so at least there was that.

  The next morning I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. How can someone dread meeting up with the person that holds their heart? It makes no sense to me. I forced myself to get up and shower. I got ready and still didn’t feel any better. Was I coming down with something? I waited until twenty minutes to two. I didn’t want to be early and wait. That would be awful.

  When I got there, he wasn’t waiting like I thought he would be. Great! I looked for an open table and sat down. I had bit every nail on my hands off by the time he walked in. I hurried and scooped them off the table and wrapped them in a napkin. I know, it’s disgusting. I couldn’t help it. My nerves were shot. He looked as good as he always did. Before everything went to shit, that is. Colt pulled the chair out and sat down across from me.

  "Hi"

  "Hello. Sorry I was late. Did you order anything yet?"

  "No, I was waiting for you."

  "Okay, thanks."

  This was awful. He and I have never been like this. Talking to Colt was like coming home. I sat there for a couple of minutes taking in the situation and then I lost it.

  "Colt, what are we doing? You’re breaking my heart. I know this is not about me, but from my side it has to be. I have tried to be here for you. You pushed me away. You hurt me. I have had to deal with losing one of my best friends and the man that makes me feel whole at one time. I hate you for that. Can you understand what I'm saying? I know you have been in hell for the last couple of weeks, but I thought we were more than that. How could you push me away?"

  "Sadie, I don't know where to start..."

  "How about at the beginning."

  "Calm down and let me talk, okay? I hit rock bottom. Yes, I pulled away from you, but only because I was going to bring you down with me. How can you look past the last time we were together so easily? I never, never would have handled you the way that I did. I hurt you and you let me. I saw you crying and I still couldn't stop. It broke me more than I already was. I couldn't even fucking apologize to you the next day. What kind of monster could do that? I needed space to take in all that has changed in my life. I accepted the offer from WIU, did you know that? I am trying to find a place where I belong. You couldn't do that for me. Can you understand that?"

  "I can. And I could have all along had you given me the chance. I didn't blame you for what you did that night. You were dealing with everything and you lost control. It’s okay.”

  "See, that's what I'm saying right there. Quit justifying what I did! You deserve better, more. It’s not okay. I care about you enough to see that. You need to care about yourself enough to not accept it as okay."

  "I do. I know you’re not James, okay? I know you would never intentionally hurt me."

  "But I did anyway. I saw you the other night at the bar. You were so hurt and I did that too. I know that song was for me. The idea that I could hurt you that bad kills me."

  "You did. I can't justify that. But I still need you."

  "Sadie, I'm leaving in a couple of weeks. They want me there right after graduation."

  "I understand that. But can't I get what little time we have left?"

  "Are you sure you still want it?"

  "Do you even need to
ask?"

  "I am getting better but I'm not 100%. You'll have to bear with me."

  "I’m ready for whatever, but what about you? This has all been about me. How have you been? What's going on with Maddie? Is it safe to even ask that?"

  "I'm better. I needed that time alone. I know that isn't what you want to hear but it’s the truth. As far as Maddie, I've given up. Please don't tell me it’s a mistake. I have thought a lot about this. I have no doubt she will remember me. I hate that she no doubt misses me. But in my head I justify it with how much I am already gone. I hope that someday she will find me. Then I will be able to explain why. I mailed her a letter and had it sent by certified mail. Just for proof it was sent. I don't trust Jamie anymore, so I doubt Maddie will ever get it. But I need you to know, I'm okay with this. It took a while but I'm going to be okay."

  "That's all I care about, Colt. I need you to be alright."

  "I'm okay."

  The rest of the time we sat there, we talked and laughed like nothing had ever happened to break us. After a couple of hours, the staff was getting angry. I guess they wanted patrons that actually order something. We decided it was time to go and walked out together. I hugged him and told him thank you for coming to me finally. He thanked me for accepting his apology. We both walked back to our cars in separate directions but when I reached mine, I couldn’t help but look back at him. Colt was standing next to his own car with the door open. He winked at me and then got in. I opened my door and sat down in my seat. I smiled and thought to myself, "There is hope for us yet" and then drove off.

  CHAPTER 39

  Ash had come up to my work to surprise me and I loved it. All the girls gushed over how attractive he is. It didn't help that he brought cupcakes for all of us. When I asked him why cupcakes, he said, "Every woman has a sweet tooth, right?" He was right. At least all of the women at my shop did. I told him thank you and that if he wanted to get together later that night, I would love to spend some time with him. He agreed and said he would be back to pick me up at eight o'clock when I got off.

  It was seven forty five and I was done for the day. I went in the back to check my makeup and freshen up a little for him. He got there early and scared the crap out of me when I opened the break room door.