Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  "That was priceless, Sadie." He was laughing at me.

  "Not so much. I wanted to look good when you got here, not like a freak screaming her head off."

  "You are breathtaking in your sleep when you’re not even trying. Anything beyond that is a bonus."

  I looked at him and gave him the stink eye.

  "Too much?" he said.

  "A little"

  "I'm going to have to work on that."

  "I kind of like you just the way you are."

  "Well, that's good to know. You ready to get out of here?"

  "Whenever you are. Where do you want to go?"

  "Have you eaten anything besides the cupcakes I brought up earlier, and don't lie to me. I know how girls are. I have a sister."

  "You have a sister?"

  "Yes. Her name is Kate, she's older than me by four years."

  "No kidding? I'm an only."

  "That explains a lot. Now, are you hungry?"

  "Starving"

  "I was hoping so. Then we are going to my place, if that's okay?"

  "That works for me. Do you just want to pick something up?"

  "Nope, I've got it covered."

  "Should I ask?"

  "No again. Let me surprise you."

  "I'm getting excited."

  He grabbed my hand and said, "Good. Let’s get going then."

  We walked into Ash’s house and the whole place smelled delicious. My taste buds were in overdrive. He took my hand and led me past the kitchen, through the family room and into a candle lit dining room. I gasped for a breath. Everything was in warmers to keep fresh, or I guess in case I didn’t want to come here. Thank God, I did. This was more than anyone has ever done for me. He led me over to a chair and pulled it out for me until I sat down. Then he pushed me in like a gentleman.

  "This is all so amazing!"

  "I'm so glad you think so. I was expecting some smart ass comment about the fact I'm trying too hard."

  "I wasn't going to go there, but since you opened the door, are you?"

  "Not even close. Sadie, this is just the beginning. But I always want you to be honest with me. I never want to overwhelm you."

  "Too late"

  "Shit! Really?"

  "I can't imagine this is how you treat every girl you date?"

  "Well, you're right there. But it’s been over two years since I truly dated someone. Booty calls and one night stands I'm not willing to count."

  "I really don't want to go here but I have to ask. So, then what category does Cindy fall into?"

  "You're right. You don't want to know."

  "That's what I was afraid of."

  "Sadie, I'm not going to try to pretend like I'm some kind of saint because I'm certainly not one. But I want you to be different. And these warmers are not going to work forever. Can we please start to eat? I'm starving. Do you have any idea how hard it is to cook all this and not get to eat it right away?"

  "YOU cooked all this?"

  "I did. Is it that surprising?"

  He took the lids off and the smell magnified. I was looking at chicken parmesan covered in a mushroom based marinara with angel hair pasta, Caesar salad and homemade garlic bread. It looked delicious.

  "Yes, it is. This is amazing, Ash."

  "It’s just dinner, Sadie." And he meant it. The look on his face showed this was not to impress me. It was for us to have dinner together. That in itself impressed me, whether he was trying to or not. He served me a portion way too big but I wasn’t going to complain. I was going to try to finish every bit of it. Once I tasted the first bite, I was hooked.

  "Ash, this is fantastic! You really did a good job on this. Thank you for inviting me."

  "Thank you and you’re very welcome. I'm glad you came."

  We both stayed quiet while we shoveled food in our mouths. When I finished my plate, oh yeah I finished all right, I helped clean up the mess. We sat in his media room to watch The Hangover. He and I laughed when we picked it at the same time. Cuddling next to Ash felt good but I could not help but think of Colt. At the same time the guilt I felt for being here in the first place was slipping. Ash was fun to hang out with. I didn’t think about it lasting, just that I should enjoy the moment I was in. His laugh was contagious. We had both seen this movie enough to quote phrases yet he still laughed as hard as he could. When the movie was over, Ash was willing to take me back to my car without a fight. I thought he would be eager for me to stay the night. So needless to say, it shocked me when I said that I probably should get going and he agreed. When we got back to my work for my car, I wasn’t sure how to handle the goodbye. I thanked him again for a great night, leaned over and kissed him and then got out. What I didn’t expect was that he would get out also. He walked around his car to end up right in front of me.

  "Sadie, tonight happened for a reason. I wanted to show you that I want more than just sex from you. I wanted to see for myself that we could have fun together with the sexual part taken out. I realized I like you more for just being you. Don't get me wrong, you’re the sexiest female I have ever laid my eyes on. And for that reason alone, there is no fucking way I can let you out of my sight without feeling those lips on mine." He grabbed my face firmly and took my mouth like he owned it. I whimpered which only fueled his quest. I had no control over my hands as they ran up his arms and down his chest. Then I released him, only to start back at his bulge and up under his shirt to his abs. I wanted him so bad. He pulled back and rested his forehead to mine looking me in the eye.

  "There is no question in my mind that when I finally have you, fireworks are going to go off."

  "Is that because we will have waited so long the world will want to celebrate?"

  "I'm just waiting on you, girl. Biding my time to shine."

  He pulled back to peck my lips and rub his nose back and forth against mine in the sweetest manner. Then turned and walked back to his car.

  "I'll see ya around, Sadie."

  "Yes, you will. Good night, Ash, and thanks again for an amazing night."

  I got in my car and drove off with a huge smile on my face. I could get used to this.

  When I pulled in my parking space, the last thing I thought I would see was Colt standing on my porch. I got out and walked up to where he stood.

  "Hey there, handsome. Want to come in?"

  "That would be great."

  I unlocked the door and opened it for him to walk in first. He waited for me, like a gentleman, so I went inside. He closed the door and sat down on the couch while I put my purse on the counter. I walked around to the kitchen and asked if he wanted a beer while I was getting one for myself.

  "I would love one."

  I walked back into the room and tossed it to him.

  "So what did you do today?" He looked like he was just making conversation with the question but it threw me off guard.

  "I worked and then went over to a guy I know, Ash's house. What about you?"

  "I packed mostly. It’s crazy thinking about leaving for good."

  "It’s awful if you ask me. I'm going to miss all of you like crazy."

  Colt came over to me and brushed the hair off my neck.

  "Is it wrong for me to be here?"

  "Why would you ever even ask that?"

  He leaned in and kissed me softly once.

  "Being with you the other day made me not able to think about anything else after. I didn't know how you felt about me coming here to see you." He kissed me again softly.

  "Colt, I told you, I miss you. I hated not having you."

  "So it bothered you?" His kiss deepened this time. "Can you show me how much?" When he took my lips again I was gone, lost. Transported back in time where nothing had ever happened to tear us apart and we were whole. I missed this so much. He grabbed me and laid me down on the couch hovering over me. His lips, oh those lips, they were so soft and tender. He cupped my head, rubbing his thumbs back and forth on my forehead. He took his time making sure he sucked on my lips unti
l they were good and swollen. When he lifted himself slightly he said, "Sadie. I can't believe that this could be the last time I get to have you. I want to do this right this time. Can you let me do that?"

  At first I didn't answer him. It wasn’t like I had any doubts what so ever about having sex with him. It was accepting that this might be the last time that was killing me.

  "Colt, I didn't think I would get this chance again. I would do anything in this world to feel you inside of me one more time."

  That was all it took. He pulled my shirt off and undid my bra. He slipped my pants off and then my thong. I was naked and dripping wet at the sight of him. He had taken off his clothes and the man standing before me was the man that held my heart. He scooped me up and carried me upstairs to my bedroom. He sat on the bed and had me wrapped around him. We continued to kiss. His hands massaged every part of my body. When one of them brushed the inside of my thigh I shivered from the chills I got. Colt caught on pretty quick. His other hand massaged my inner thigh higher and higher. I rocked to give him the idea of what I needed.

  "Remember, beautiful, my way."

  I stopped and let him show me the way he wanted things to go. I was just so happy to be in his arms again. He kissed me down my neck, licking along my collarbone and then down further to circle around the weight of my breast. Teasing and taunting me. I was dripping wet and felt I could do nothing. His tongue stayed on my chest but his fingers found their home. Colt slid back and forth until I was about to explode from frustration. He knew it too. Then he was stretching me for what was to come and I couldn’t wait. His mouth started to travel lower and then lower still until he was where I truly loved him to be. His tongue knew my body like a road map he had memorized. It did not take long before I was shaking uncontrollably from orgasm. Colt came back up to kiss my neck and said, "Now you’re ready, aren’t you?"

  "I need you. I really need you."

  That was all he wanted. He was inside of me seconds later. He felt incredible! All of me squeezed around him as if I were welcoming him home. Colt reached down and grabbed me to pull me in firmly. He stayed in one spot pulsing inside of me. He may have gotten himself worked up but I knew he was not finished. He just needed to gain more ground. When it seemed he was ready again, this time a sense of softness took over the whole atmosphere. He looked me in the eye and at that moment I was ready to confess it all. He never let his eyes stray. It was just Colt and me. No problems. No regrets. It was only us in our purest form, just as close as God would let us be. His hips moved in slow circles making sure they were hitting exactly where they needed to. He was in this for me, I could tell. We had been together enough times. You learn what the other person likes. Colt has always been good, but never had he taken this much time to ensure my pleasure and he was coming at me with everything he's got. And then it hit me. He was saying goodbye. I started to cry and I saw the look in his eye. He knows I know.

  "Don't say anything, beautiful. Let this be what it always is for us, okay. Let me make you feel good."

  I just nodded my head. Words would not come to me. This was the most heartbreaking thing I had ever gone through and having pleasure connected also, I didn’t know how to process it. Every time he pushed and pulled it felt more like it was connected to my heart. I couldn’t let him go. I reached out and grabbed his arms and then I pulled him down to me. He put his arms underneath mine wrapping them around me. In all the time I have been with Colt nothing had ever felt like what I was experiencing. I never wanted this to end. But that's not life. All good things come to an end eventually. I realized this as my body started tensing up. I was building up to a high that I don’t think I have ever felt. Every muscle in Colts body was as taut as it could be. I knew we were both almost there. He rocked in me a few more times and then we both exploded. Both of us were gripping on to the other as if we were afraid to fall. But wasn't that just it. We were falling. Whether it was falling in love or falling from grace it was falling just the same. And it hurt. The tears never stopped running down my face. Not from the second I realized what was happening. As we laid there in the aftermath, Colt just held on. I looked at the clock and realized from when we started this, two hours had passed. How is that even possible? It had only felt like ten minutes. There would never be enough time and I just realized that also. Now would be the point where I could confess my heart, confess it all and there would be nothing to lose. Knowing he was leaving in a matter of days really confirmed to me, there was also nothing to gain. I had missed my opportunity just like everyone had been telling me. Colt never spoke a word, therefore neither did I. I was home but I felt like it was burning to the ground all around me. We laid there together holding on for dear life, until sleep found the both of us.

  The next morning I woke up alone. Somehow I knew I would. That was his goodbye. I gripped my pillow and let out a wail, "NO!" How could I let this happen?

  It took a while to drown myself in pity before I could even function. As I laid there all of the memories we had shared came back to me. With them, came the clarity I needed to move past this. I was not the same girl who met Colt almost two years ago. I have always known he would leave, that was the deal we made. I protected myself by not telling him how I felt. It could have hurt a lot more to lose him that way. I was able to have him in my life the whole time he was available and I needed to be thankful for that. I heard a noise downstairs and jumped out of bed. Could he still be here after all? I grabbed some clothes and raced down to see. When I got to the bottom of the steps, Heather was in the kitchen making a bowl of cereal. My heart broke again. She looked up at me and said, "Hey girly, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever."

  It wasn’t that I was not happy to see her. I just couldn’t fake a smile at that moment.

  "Sadie, what happened?"

  Could I tell her? What was I going to say? That I knew it was going to end. She did too.

  "Colt came by last night."

  "Really, so you guys finally talked?"

  She really needed to come around more often. She was way behind.

  "Yeah, we met the other day and worked everything out."

  "So what did he say? What is he going to do about Maddie? Please tell me he’s going to sue that bitch."

  "No, he's not. It’s a long story, but the short version is that he's walking away. He wants support, not criticism, so don't give him trouble about it if you see him."

  "Holy shit! Okay. That's going to be hard to do. I think he's making a huge mistake."

  "Well, I kind of agree with you but it’s his mistake to make. He just wants what's best for her. And he's trying to do that."

  "Did you guys get in a fight? Your face is swollen from crying. So I would like to know what he did to hurt you, if you guys are supposed to be all good now?"

  "He didn't do anything wrong. There was no fight. He just said goodbye in his own way."

  "What do you mean? Did you tell him finally?"

  "No. And I never will. Heather, if it hurts this bad now, can you imagine if I threw it all out there how I would feel? There is no point anymore. He's leaving. I always knew this was coming. I just need to accept it. Life goes on right?"

  "Oh Sadie, why are you both so stubborn? You could’ve had it all if you just would have confessed."

  "Or I could have had none of it. I'm okay with my choices. I’ve got a ton of great memories to hold on to. That might not have been possible if I had listened to all of you."

  "I'm going to say the same thing I've been saying one more time. It’s your life and you make the calls. If you really believe that, then I have no choice to support your decision."

  "Thank you…. I think."

  Heather walked over and hugged me. It was exactly what I needed. She and I would always be the best of friends. No matter how little time we got together any more. Speaking of which...

  "Heather, do you want to move out? I won't be mad. It’s just...”

  "No! Why would you say that?"

  "Y
ou’re never here and I just thought maybe...."

  "No. I love being with Jason, don't get me wrong, but I only have a little while longer to have my own separate space from him before we are together for life. I may not be here often, but knowing I can come have a break from him is bliss sometimes."

  "Good. I kind of like having you here too."

  "I know this might be the most inappropriate time to bring this up, but I can't help but ask, where does the amazing man that goes by the name of Ash play into all this?"

  A smile crept up my face. Even in all my sorrow his name brought me to a happy place just like that. He kept saying his time to shine was coming. I don’t think it is coming. I think it has always been there. He makes me happy.

  "Your smile answered my question. Those flowers are unbelievable by the way. I can't believe they still look that good."

  "I know, right? He's a really nice guy, Heather. He treats me like I am a princess." Huh, maybe that's why he always calls me that.

  "That's what you deserve, Sadie girl. It’s nice to see your face light up again also."

  "Thank you. It is nice to have something to be happy about right now."

  "I don't mean to rush this conversation but I have to get to the clinic. Sadie, do me a favor? Focus on what you have, not what you think you have lost, but never really had in the first place."

  "I think I can do that for ya." She started to walk out the door when I said, "Hey Heather, thanks for being here when I needed you."

  "I will always be here for you, Sadie. I'm not going anywhere."

  She walked out and closed the door behind her. I walked over and sat down on the couch and thought, ‘things are going to be okay.’

  CHAPTER 40

  That night when I got off work, Ash was waiting next to my car. When I walked out the door, I saw him and wanted to sprint so I could get there faster. He started to walk toward me so we kind of met in the middle. He didn’t say a word. He didn’t really have time to. I jumped in his arms and kissed the shit out of him. When I had my fill I pulled back and said, "I wasn't expecting you to be here."