Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  She walked over to my mom and whispered something I couldn’t hear clearly. I decided sleep just might help after all. Maybe I could wake up and all of this could just have been a nightmare. I was almost back to sleep when I heard the sweetest sound.

  "Did I hear the nurse at the desk say Sadie woke up?" He was at my side immediately. "Can you hear me, girl? Can she hear me?"

  My mom answered him with, "Yes, she can, she just can't speak right now. Her throat is too sore."

  "Hello then, princess. I missed you. Please get better for me. I need you." Then he kissed my forehead and I fell asleep again without even wanting to this time.

  The next time I woke up, my head didn’t hurt as bad as it had. Do not get me wrong, we are still talking Mack truck running you over kind of pain here. It was just better than it was. When I attempted to open my eyes, it was blurry, but I could see forms. Tears were falling again. You have no idea how much you take your sight for granted. I felt a thumb graze me cheek and then, "Don't you cry now, woman. We are almost in the clear." Ash pressed his lips to my hand and said, "Sadie, you scared me to death. I thought I was going to lose you. When I found you, I have never been so scared. Oh Sadie, I was so scared." I squeezed his hand. When I tried to talk this time, it was not as gravelly. Ash got the nurse, telling her I was trying to talk again. Rhonda came back in with a cup of water. She sat me up and had me take little sips. It hurt at first but the rocks seemed to wash away. When I finished the water, I handed her back the cup. I tried again, this time it was like Janis Joplin was speaking through me. But hey, I was talking.

  "Ash, where is my mom?"

  He shot up out of a chair and said, "Let me go find her for you.”

  "That's very good, Sadie. Don't talk too much at first but very good. You will be better in no time." She patted my leg and walked away.

  They must have given me some medicine because my head was really starting to feel better. My mom came rushing in. I could tell that blur from anyone.

  "Hi Mom."

  "Oh my God, Sadie girl, I have never wanted to hear your voice so much in my life. You scared us to death. Why did you drive after you had the accident? What did you hit and why didn't you call the police or one of us? Ash had to find you unconscious in his bed. Do you know how scared he was when he called us? You put us all in hell, girl."

  "Let’s not make her feel bad or make her talk right now. I want her to get better as fast as she can."

  The accident. That's why I was here. Shit. I was going to be in so much trouble. Did they know I was drunk when it happened? Poor Ash, to have to find me like that. I had so many questions and no way to get answers without telling them the truth. Everyone was going to be so disappointed with me.

  My dad walked in and broke my train of thought.

  "Sadie girl, I have never been so grateful for prayers being answered. Thank God almighty, for your health."

  "Dad, I'm sorry I worried you."

  "Oh sweetheart, none of that matters anymore. You’re safe and going to be okay. That is all that matters."

  Tears started to form again. My God, Tony was right. I am a cry baby. I blinked and they fell.

  "Sadie, it’s all going to be okay. Don't worry anymore. Mom and I will make it all okay. We already have your car in the shop. It will all be fixed."

  "Thank you, Dad."

  "You’re so welcome, honey. I'm going to take your mom to go get some dinner but we will be back soon, alright. Ash, if anything happens or you need us, you have my cell number."

  "Yes sir, I do."

  "Alright then kids, we will see you soon."

  My mom leaned over and kissed my forehead. Then they both walked out the door. I looked in Ash’s direction and said, "Does anyone know I was drinking?"

  "No. By the time I found you and the ambulance came, your blood alcohol level was normal. Sadie, I didn't get home until the next night. Do you know how fucking awful it was? What were you thinking? I am not mad at you, I promise, but I need to know why you would drive after you drank. You know better. I called you frantic when I didn't hear from you. You never answered. I had no choice but to think the worst, which wasn't even the worst. I thought you and Colt.... I never thought you would be at my house the whole time."

  "Ash, I'm so sorry."

  "It’s okay. You’re okay. That is all that matters to me. I love you more than you will ever know."

  "I love you too."

  "Sadie, I don't think I could have picked a worse time for this, but with everything that has happened, I just can't lose you. I want you with me as much as I can have you. Will you move in with me? You don't have to answer me now. Hell, I should have waited. Don't answer at all. Just think..."

  "Yes."

  "What?"

  "Yes, I will."

  "Oh Sadie. You couldn’t have made me any happier than you just did. What a great day. You’re going to be alright, and you’re going to live with me."

  He leaned down and kissed me so softly, as if I was going to break. Then he grabbed my cheeks and said, "I just love you so much."

  "I love you too. And I'm so sorry."

  "Everything is going to be just fine. Heather has been blowing up my phone, by the way. The hospital would only allow one person at a time, so your mom, dad and I have been taking turns. Tell me when you’re ready for visitors and I can let her know."

  "Right now I just want to sleep."

  "Then good night, my angel, I will be right here when you wake."

  The next time I opened my eyes I could see a lot clearer. Things were almost back to normal. Rhonda came in to check on me and remove my catheter. Ouch! No wonder I felt pressure down there. She explained that my sore throat was because of the IV fluids. I had been under for four days with no true liquid on my throat. Four days! How did I do this to myself? Ash was there just like he said he would be. He held my hand and did anything I asked. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved him more now than ever.

  Pretty soon, I was ready for my friends. They lifted the ‘only one in the room’ rule, so that let everyone come as they wanted. With my sight back to normal, I was looking forward to getting the hell out of there.

  Heather and Jason were my first visitors. She was balling her eyes out before she got to my room. When they turned the corner, my heart broke. I have never seen her so upset.

  "Hey chica, I'm okay you know. Don't cry."

  "We almost lost you, Sadie. Don't you ever do that to me again. Do you understand me?"

  "Yes ma'am. Never again."

  "Hi Jason."

  "Heather’s right. That was awful. We love you, girl."

  ""I love you too. Where is Tony?"

  "Oh he's a mess. You think Heather is bad, wait to see him. He's going to kill you himself."

  "Great."

  "Yeah, good luck with that."

  "Guys, leave her alone. She's been through so much already. Sadie, I will talk to Tony also. I don't want anybody doing anything but making you feel better."

  "Ash, I appreciate that but I'm not made of porcelain. I don't break that easy. These are my friends. I can take it."

  "I agree with Ash. Jason you talk to Tony too. Nobody needs to upset Sadie.” I don’t think I can remember Heather being so serious.

  "People! I'm a big girl who fucked up big time. I deserve the riot act."

  Ash looked down at me and said, "You will get it. I promise you. But not now. You need to rest and get better so we can go home."

  "Home?" Heathers brows perked. She caught that.

  "Yes, home. Sadie is moving in with me when she gets out of here."

  "That's great news! I will miss you, but it's not like it used to be anymore anyway."

  "Thank you. I'm very happy about it."

  I was getting very tired again and it showed. Jason and Heather said goodbye and then I was sound asleep again.

  The next time I woke up, I heard Mike and Tony. What was so sad is that I didn’t want to see Mike. I know Colt staye
d with him that night and probably told him everything. What if he says something? It was a drunken mistake. I couldn’t lose Ash now or ever. I didn’t want to open my eyes, so I pretended to be still asleep. It did not last long before Tony called me out on it.

  "Are you awake, girl? I saw your eyes flutter. Open them for me, please. I need to see for myself you’re okay."

  How could I not? This was Tony, after all.

  I opened them and looked right up into his gorgeous face.

  "There you are."

  He grabbed me into a hug. When he let go, I looked over at Mike. He came over and hugged me even tighter.

  "Good to see you again, Sadie. You scared all of us to death."

  "I'm sorry."

  "As long as you’re okay, that's all that matters."

  "Thank you guys for coming. It means a lot to me."

  Tony grabbed my hand. "I wouldn't have let anyone keep me away. You’re very special to me. By the way, I don't know why you went to Ash’s, but thank you for that choice. Had you gone home, it could have been a different outcome. Who would have found you and how much more time would it have taken?"

  That thought never occurred to me. I just wanted Ash. That was all that kept going through my head.

  "I just needed him. That's all I kept thinking."

  Ash came over and kissed me.

  "I need you too."

  Mike never did bring up Colt, thank God. He and Tony stayed for a couple of hours laughing and joking around with Ash and me. I mentioned something about moving in with Ash and Mike's head popped up in question, but he never vocalized anything. They left a little while after, making sure they gave me kisses and hugs before they went.

  A different nurse that came in said I needed to go have some final tests run. A CAT scan or MRI or both, I'm not sure anymore, they had run so many. I said goodbye to Ash and my parents and then was wheeled off. I asked the nurse if the tests came back normal, would I be able to go home. She said it would be up to the doctor. Great! I just wanted to go home.

  After the tests were run, they wheeled me back to my room. Ash and my dad were gone, which left only my mom.

  "How did the tests go? Can she come home now?"

  "Ma’am, the doctor will read the results and get with you as soon as possible. I understand your eagerness to leave, but it is Sadie’s health we are most concerned with."

  "Are you insinuating my daughter’s health isn't important to me?"

  "Mom, stop. They weren’t saying that at all." Then I looked at the nurse and said, "Thank you very much and I appreciate all your help." She looked away from my mother, then at me, then walked out of the room.

  "Mom, calm down. I will be released soon. There was something else I wanted to talk to you about also. Um, Ash and I are moving in together when I get out of here."

  "Really? I didn't realize you wanted that yet. What about Colt?"

  "What about Colt?"

  "Are you really done with that whole thing? He looked so upset the other day that..."

  "Wait, what? What about the other day? When did you see Colt?"

  "I saw him here. He came in to see you."

  "Was Ash here?"

  "No. I had sent him home for a shower. Little booger fought with me over it too. He didn't want to leave your side."

  "Colt was here? In this room? Did he say anything?"

  "No. He just cried. It was very sad to watch. As much as he cares for you and I know you cared about him, are you sure of what you’re doing? That's all that I'm asking."

  "Do you think I'm making a mistake?"

  "Do you?"

  "No, I really don't. I love Ash. So much Mom. It feels right." Not to mention Colt will never be ready to commit. I don't need to commit to anybody but I want to with Ash. That's what matters.”

  "Well then, Sadie girl, your dad and I will help you pack. We will always support you."

  "Thank you, Mom. Ash is a great man."

  "Yes he is, and you are lucky to have each other."

  "That we are."

  "That we are what?" My dad walked in the door, followed by Ash.

  "Losing our daughter to this man here. He stole her heart it seems, and now they are going to be living together."

  "Oh, I knew that. He asked for my blessing. Good boy he is, Sadie."

  "I know, Dad, believe me, I know."

  "Alright, you all are killing me over here. Stop being so nice, you’re making me blush and I'm a man for goodness sake."

  We all laughed. He was a very good man. I was proud to call him mine.

  That night the doctor came in to give us the results. Everything read good, but he wanted me to stay one more day, just to be sure I didn't overdo it. My parents were hoping for better news because they wanted me released yesterday. I, on the other hand, was okay with one more night. I was anxious to get my stuff over to Ash's and begin to call it home but I knew my health was more important. If the doctor believes I need one more night, what is a night? I have a lifetime ahead of me with Ash. He wouldn’t leave by the way. He slept in the hospital bed with me the whole night. As soon as he climbed in and held me as only he can do, I was out.

  CHAPTER 46

  Do you have any idea how much fuss can be made over one person? This was ridiculous. My parents wanted to do everything their way, Ash wanted to do everything for me. Tony wanted them to let me do it myself, and Heather didn't want anyone doing anything.

  Once I was released from the hospital, I decided I wanted one last month with my girl in the apartment. Heather thought it was a great idea, so she left Jason's for one month. We did everything we could together. Hands down, it was the best 30 days we ever had with each other.

  It was the last weekend of our sabbatical so packing it all up was a necessity. Who knew we could collect so much crap? Between Heather’s work schedule and mine, we never seemed to do it together. Ash bought out our lease, behind my back. I wasn’t mad like you would think, just irritated he wouldn’t let me do it myself. His need to take care of me had gone overboard. All of it was done with love though. It was his way of coping with the fact he almost lost me. I was the cause of that feeling, so I was doing my best to ride it out.

  My parents agreed with Ash's behavior, but went even more overboard. They insisted we get professional packers and movers. I put my foot down on that one.

  I made one huge mistake. I will never forgive myself for the stupidest decision that could have cost me so much more. Charges were never filed. I was sure somehow I would get caught, but I didn’t. Luck is not even descriptive enough of a word. What if I had hit another car? What if I hurt someone other than myself? Life took on a whole new meaning for me. I was blessed with a chance to make the right decisions from now on, and I was hell bent on doing just that.

  Tony was still disappointed with me. He knew the whole story from Mike. Nothing made it excusable. All it would have taken was one phone call to him, and he was right. So with that attitude, he wanted me to suffer. Not be pampered, as he put it. Don’t get me wrong, he still loved me. He was just always the more realistic friend I had.

  Heather, where do I begin? The closer we got to the end of our lease, the more she panicked. She wouldn’t pack. In fact, she would unpack when I was not home. I think it scared her that this part of our life was coming to an end. I understood and felt the same way. We were always together, even when we weren’t. I tried reassuring her that I would not let that part change. No matter what, she was my girl always.

  The plan was to have everything boxed, so that on the final big day we only needed to rent one truck. It was the day before the big move, so I had taken the day off. Whereas, Heather and Ash didn’t. That left it up to me to check every closet, cabinet and the basement for anything we over looked. I was on my final walk through of the basement, when I heard the door upstairs open. As I climbed the stairs I yelled, “So you decided to take off work and help me after all?" When I got to the top and turned the corner, I found someone I have never in a
million years thought I would see again in my house. Colt was in my kitchen.

  "Hey there, beautiful."

  "Uh. Hi."

  "So you’re really going to do this, huh?"

  "If by this, you mean move, then yes, I am."

  "Sadie, please don't. Please hear me out before you make this choice."

  "Colt, I..."

  "I love you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. You and me, we somehow together make sense. We always have. There is something between us that is special. You will never find it with him or anyone else. Not like what we have together. Trust me, I am older than you. I have met so many more people in my life. No one had ever made me feel the way that you do, no one ever could. You make me feel alive and so fulfilled." Tears were running like a flash flood down my face and his. "I didn't want you to not experience life. The one thing I felt I robbed myself of, was the one thing I wouldn't take from you. I wanted you to have those years to make choices and mistakes, to meet and experience other people. But in the end, I had faith that no matter how hard I pushed you away, what we had between us wouldn't break. It still hasn't. Sadie, I was there the night of your accident, remember? I was on the other end of that kiss. You can push me away and tell me you don't feel for me what you did, but I know you’re lying to me and yourself. I felt it. I don't know why you are so hell bent on denying that what we have is still real and alive, but it is. I'm so in love with you, Sadie. You will always be my girl, my everything. Let me give you everything. Let me make you the happiest girl in the world." He dropped to one knee and pulled out the most exquisite ring I had ever seen. "Let me make you my wife. I want to hold you in my arms forever. I will never let you go again. I will take care of you and give you everything you have ever wanted. I want to make babies with you. I want to have a piece of our love in my arms to hold. I want forever with you. Please, my beautiful girl, make me the happiest man in the world and be my wife."

  When I didn’t respond right away, he stood and walked toward me. I could not stop gasping for breath. I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. Everything I ever prayed for just happened. He loved me. I could be his wife. My happily ever after was there in front of me.