Finding Solace

by Speak, Barbara

  "Colt, I can't believe this is happening. You have always felt this way? Why didn't you say anything? Why did you leave?"

  "I never wanted to make you feel like you didn't have a choice. By not admitting my feelings, I knew you were with me because you wanted to be. Every minute of every day we were together, it was because you wanted it. As far as me leaving? Ash is the answer to that. I knew about him. I wanted you to see that life with someone else was different than what we have. I couldn't stay here and bear witness to it though. I asked you to come visit me so I could tell you everything and beg you to stay. I want you there with me. When you didn't respond to my message and then Bryan came in town, it was the perfect opportunity. That night I didn't force you to choose. We came together like we always have. Because we just fit."

  "Colt, I have always wanted this to happen. Having an US was always my dream. This is just too hard to process all at once. I have Ash now. I just don't know what I want anymore, is that wrong?" I sounded like a blubbering idiot but I just couldn’t process all of this happening to me.

  "No, beautiful, it’s not at all. I was of course hoping that it would be easy, that you would throw yourself in my arms and scream "YES" at the top of your lungs. But that's not real life. I didn't give you all that time to force you now to make a decision. You have every right to think about this. Take your time; just know at the end of the day, I will be here waiting for you, always."

  He grabbed me and kissed me with more passion than he ever had, and then turned and walked out the door.

  I fell to my knees in the same spot I had been standing. What was I going to do? I loved both of them. What kind of person can I be if I was in love with two different men? How could this be happening to me? I sat on the floor making a pros and cons list in my head. It was the only thing that I could think of to help me make a decision. Childish, I know already! I just could not make up my mind. This should not have been that hard. Which one did I want to be with? The tears never stopped flowing. Time never stood so still. One second it seemed Colt was walking out my door. The next, Ash was walking in, finding me on the floor balling my eyes out.

  "Sadie, honey, what happened? What's wrong?"

  I just looked up into his perfect eyes. The eyes I imagined so many times seeing in my forever after. What could I possibly say to him? With my silence he said, "Please, talk to me. Did something happen?"

  "I'm not sure I can move in with you, Ash."

  Where that came from, I do not know. Was that me making a decision involuntarily?

  "He found you, didn't he?"

  "Wait. What? Who?"

  "Colt, you saw him today, didn't you? You don't have to answer me, I already know."

  "How could you have known?"

  "Because he is the only person that could make you doubt what we have together. I saw the texts from that night on your phone. When I had them collect your car from my house to get it fixed, I got everything out of it. I wasn't trying to find what I found, I swear. I have always trusted you. I was looking for anything that might help me understand why it all happened. Then I came across his texts."

  "I didn't see any when I got my phone back."

  "I deleted them. I have felt like shit ever since I hit delete thread. If there was a go back button, believe me I would have used it. It wasn't my place or my choice to make. I know you were with him that night. I also know you changed your mind, left him and came to me. I felt with that, you had made your decision finally and you chose me. All this time I knew you never got the closure you needed. If you had him in front of you and still wanted me, then why would you need to see texts saying he's sorry and that he loves you. He should be sorry! He let you go!"

  "Ash, I need time. Can you give me that, please?"

  "I can and will. But everything in me is telling me not to walk out that door. I love you more than I will ever love anything in my life. From the moment I met you, I have pictured a forever with you. I need you to know that. You own me. I want a chance, Sadie, a chance at sharing my life, with you."

  He picked me up and hugged me until I stopped crying. Then with one final peck he walked to the door. He turned around one last time and said, "It is my time to shine." And then turned back around and closed the door behind him.

  I melted to the floor all over again. What was I going to do? I was no closer to making a choice than I was five hours ago. Hearing Ash explain the texts I wondered, if I had read them would it have made a difference? Then I remember running from them. My accident was stemmed from trying to reach for the phone to shut it off. Would they have made any difference at all? I wanted Ash. He was right. I had Colt in my arms and I left. When I was hurt and scared, I ran for Ash. Nothing felt as good as hearing Colt confess his feelings finally, but hasn’t Ash been doing that all along? Then again, Colt had reasons I knew now and understood. I loved them both so much. Colt and I have been through so much. He helped me see myself with value and helped me build self-worth. He did not do it for me. He forced me to do it myself. He always brought out the best in me. I did truly love them both. I made my decision right then and there. I also knew someone was going to get hurt. Truthfully, I knew it was going to kill me to let him go. But I had to go with my heart. Now was the moment I had to find him and tell him.

  I texted him that I needed to talk. I didn't say anything leading him to know my choice. I got in my car and drove to where he said he was. As I drove I could not help but think. Could I do this? Did I ever really give him a chance? Would he understand that I needed to see if my dreams really would end up coming true? Or would he hate me for leading him on. For falling in love with him even though I was never willing to give it a real shot. After I got out of my car and got to the door of ‘51’ I paused. "I can do this. I have to do this. I can't do this. I can't hurt him. I have to."

  When I opened the door, he was sitting at the front bar. Flashbacks of us sitting right where he was hit me. So many memories I have of this place with us. A smile spread across my face. What ever happened, this man gave me some great memories.

  "Hey girl, that didn't take long."

  "Colt, I had my decision made a long time ago. I just didn't know it until you came to my house today. I have loved you for so long. Through the good and the bad, I have loved you. I will always love you."

  "Why does this sound too good? Like you’re about to break my heart?"

  "Because I am about to break your heart. Colt, you are so amazing. You’re everything I thought I wanted. That's even wrong. You’re everything I needed at the time. You were my support, my rock, my best friend, my sex God. There wasn't anything you weren’t, except for mine. We made a foolish agreement. For two years. That is a long time. Even then, the last time I slept with you Colt, with that stupid agreement intact, I know you were telling me you loved me. You let me feel everything you had in you. And you still left. Why wouldn't you have asked me to go with you then? I would have. I'm not trying to say that this is your fault. Do you have any idea how many times I thought about confessing my feelings? I failed too. I'm not saying we couldn't have worked. What I need you to understand is that I have to see where Ash and my story goes. He and I deserve a real chance. He loves me, Colt. You told me I would never find what we have, and you were right. What I have with Ash is so different, but it is just as special. I owe it to Ash and myself to give it my best shot. Can you understand that it’s not because I don't love you, but because I'm in love with him?"

  He grabbed my hands, looked in my eyes and said, "You really were never mine, were you?"

  "You held my heart, but never claimed it as yours. So the answer has to be, no, I wasn't. But I always felt I was."

  "Sadie, please think this over? You and l have always been perfect together. I could make you never think of Ash again. "

  "You’re right, you could. And I could be making the biggest mistake of my life by choosing him. If it turns out to have been a mistake, then it was my mistake to make. I love him, Colt, so much. I never wa
nted to hurt you and I'm so sorry that I did."

  "You need to do whatever you think is the right choice. Don't worry about hurting me. Paybacks are a bitch tenfold. I'm just kidding, girl. I wish things could have turned out different, but I knew it was a long shot right now. I still feel like you will one day be mine."

  "Don't hold on to the hope, but remember, what's meant to be will be."

  "Corny, Sadie."

  "But very true!" I leaned over to him and kissed him. Not anything crazy, just a soft, gentle kiss. Then I pulled back and said, "I need to go find Ash. I'm sorry, Colt. I love you, always will."

  "I love you too, beautiful and I am never giving up. When he screws up, and he will, you come find me."

  "If that day ever comes, you will always be the first person I think of."

  One last hug and I was out the door. I got in my car and sat there. Did I, Sadie Warren, really turn down a wedding proposal from Colton Jennings? I did. Now I was going to find the man I am going to love forever!

  I went to his house and he wasn’t there. I drove by his parents, sister’s, Kaleb’s, even Tony’s. I didn’t want him to know I was coming. But how do I accomplish that if I didn’t know where he was? I went everywhere I could think of. I was on my way back home when I passed the firehouse and saw the Camaro. I loved that car almost as much as the man who drove it. I pulled around back and parked next to it. I had never been to the house with him. I wasn’t even sure it was appropriate to just show up unannounced. I walked around to the front where the doors to the garage were and heard a whistle. I was on a mission to find Ash, so I didn’t even look for the source. Then another one was heard. Then a couple cat calls mixed in with the whistles and finally, "Damn, let me get myself between those thighs, I could eat for days." Okay, I had had enough. I spun around and said, "Has anyone seen Asher Williams?

  No one answered me directly. I just got to hear, "Figures", "That explains it", "Why do the hottest girls go after the pretty ones?"

  "Have you seen him or not?" I was getting annoyed. I waited for any of them to answer and when I didn’t get one, I turned around and left. I began to cry again. "This day is the shittiest day ever!" I drove back over to Tony’s and ran into the house. He was on the couch in his family room watching TV. He looked up at me and said, "First things first. Knocking is something you need to learn how to do." Then he was off the couch and I was in his arms.

  "Aw Tony, so much shit has happened!"

  "Oh girl, Colt stopped by here. He told me to take care of you and make sure you were okay, and to call him if you weren't."

  "So you know?"

  "He pretty much gave me the short version. Men don't do details like you women do"

  "It was awful, Tony! I have waited forever for today. Then today comes and I turn it down? Am I crazy? I went to find Ash and couldn't so..."

  "Wait, Ash knows?"

  "He doesn't know every detail as you put it, but he knows Colt was here. I told him I wasn't sure I could move in with him and he knew it had to be because of Colt."

  "So let me get this straight. Your lease is up tomorrow and you told the man you were going to move in with, you can't. Then you told the man who proposed, no. Where are you going to live?"

  "I don't know. I tried to find Ash, but the guys at the fire house were assholes. His car was there but I never saw him. Tony, I need to talk to Ash. I need him to know I choose him."

  "I can't believe you did by the way. Not that I think you made a mistake, I just thought for sure Colt was the one you would have picked."

  "Why?"

  "Because for some crazy ass reason, you always put up with whatever he was willing to give you. Now that he finally has his shit together, you say no? Doesn't make much sense to me."

  I sat down on the couch and thought about what he just said to me. Had I always really just waited for him to determine how my life would turn out?

  "Colt was more than that to me. He always will be. He taught me so much about making hard decisions for myself. That was the hardest one yet. I love Colt and always will, but I'm in love with Ash and I need to find him."

  "Maybe you have finally grown up. I'm proud of you, girl. You do need to go talk to Ash. See what he wants. Then you have another decision to make."

  "My decision has been made regardless of the outcome. I want Ash."

  "Then why are you still here?" He moved over to me and took my hand. I was standing again and being led to the door.

  "If for whatever reason it comes down to you needing a place to stay, my house is yours for as long as you need it."

  I leaned forward and kissed him. I pulled him into one last hug. "Thank you. You’re the best."

  "I know. I know. Now go."

  I was walking out the door when I turned around and said, "How am I going to find him?"

  "Don't take no for an answer."

  "Good advice."

  "Now go."

  "Why are you trying to get rid of me?"

  "Because if I don't now, I might have you permanently here. Now go!"

  He was smiling but I got what he was saying. I blew him a kiss and got back in my car. Was I really going to go back to that firehouse? If it meant finding Ash, then I would walk through fire.

  I drove back over there and parked next to his car again. This time, I waited outside. One of the firemen happened to walk outside and noticed me. I felt silly just standing there. I hadn’t looked in a mirror in hours but I knew I was a fright to look at. He approached me and said, "Can I help you, ma’am?"

  "My name is Sadie Warren. I'm looking for Asher Williams. This is his car. Do you happen to know where I can find him?"

  "Well, it is nice to meet you, Sadie Warren. I'm Mario, Ash’s Captain. He went on a run a while ago. House fire in the east block. I just got word that they got it under control a little while ago. The truck should be back within the hour. Can I get you anything while you wait or would you like to just come back then?"

  "Thank you so much, Mario. I will wait, but I don't need anything. I can just stay here until he gets back."

  "No, No. I insist you let me give you a tour at least. You can see how the real men live."

  "That would be great. Thank you."

  "My pleasure, follow me."

  I walked behind the Captain through the garage doors I attempted to go through the first time. The same men were there. The one with the foul mouth came at me again.

  "You come back to give me that snack?"

  I didn’t have time to think of a response. Mario grabbed him and said, "Would you like hose duty for a month, Simmons?"

  "No, sir."

  "Then keep your mouth shut. That goes for the rest of you assholes as well. This woman is my guest and you will treat her with respect. Her name is Sadie and you will address her as such."

  "Hello, Sadie." came out in unison.

  "Hello, boys." I waved uncomfortably. I wanted to run out of there, but I needed to stick it out if I was going to see Ash. Mario took my hand gently and led me through a break room where he explained that the guys would hang out there before or right after a call. Then I followed him up the stairs into a full kitchen, family room combo. The bedrooms were not what you would consider nice, but they were sufficient for sleep. The showers were what left nothing to the imagination. This is how the men that risk their lives for us are forced to live while on duty? It seemed sad. Mario asked me when he was done with the tour, "So, what do you think?"

  Could I answer him honestly? No.

  "I think it’s nice."

  "Nice would be the word I use to describe your comment. This place is a shit hole. But it’s our shit hole."

  A loud noise was coming from outside when he said, "Well, it looks like your prince has arrived earlier than I thought. Let’s go greet him, shall we?"

  I was suddenly very nervous. Would he be mad that I was here? Mario looked at me and could obviously tell I was not excited to go.

  "Sadie, you’re all he talks about. You ha
ve no reason to think anything other than a smile is going to come from that boy. Besides, he is one of my favorites, you just can't ever tell him I said so. He has more potential that most that come through here. I wouldn’t let you in here if I didn't already know what that boy thinks of you. You’re his heart. Just don't break it, okay? You break it, you break him. That just won't do."

  "I won't, Sir. He owns my heart as well."

  "Good to hear. Now let’s go surprise Ash and make his day."

  He walked down the steps and I followed with a half-smile. What if he thought more about it and decided I was too much to take on and not worth the risk. The last time I talked to him I was doubting my feelings for him. Why? I don't know. He really is everything I have ever wanted wrapped in one perfect looking package. When we got to the bottom of the steps, there were men dressed in full firefighting gear shuffling around everywhere. Soot covered them so it must have been one hell of a fire. Lots of eyes shifted in my direction. Surely because there was only one female in the mix and that was me. Not one of them made a derogatory comment this time. I was sure it was thanks to Captain Mario who was standing by my side. Each one filtered off and I never once saw Ash. That was until Captain tapped my arm and then pointed to behind the truck. Walking slowly toward me was a very leery Ash. He did not wear the smile I was looking forward to. He was as nervous as I was. I had never seen him look so sexy and he was covered in black smut. The clothes he wore looked heavy but he carried them well. No wonder he needed that eight pack. Everything in me wanted to throw myself in his arms but I needed to see if he was ready for that. I didn’t realize I was shaking until he took my hand, but his eyes never left mine.

  "What are you doing here, Sadie?"

  I did not know how to answer with a crowd watching. So I went with my heart.

  "I came here for you, to talk to you. Can I, please?"

  He didn’t stop looking into my eyes but his mouth or body never moved. It was like he was trying to read what I was about to say. Then he spoke.