For His Little Girl

by Lucy Gordon

  "I never thought of it."

  "Then you'd better come with us."

  "Thanks, but I'm staying right here," he said firmly.

  Frank put an arm about Josie. "Come along, darling," he said.

  But Josie shook her head. "I want to stay with Daddy."

  "It's very late and you ought to go to bed," Frank said firmly. "Come along now."

  Josie's eyes filled with tears, and she looked at Luke, silently pleading.

  Please, please Luke… don't fight over her.

  He didn't know where the voice had come from. He could almost have sworn it was an external sound, but perhaps it had only echoed in his heart. Whatever the truth, it told him what he must do.

  "On second thought, I'm going back to the guest house," he said. He turned to Frank and Elly. "Maybe we all need to be together."

  It felt strange to be returning after all these years. The inside had been made over to look cheerful and modern, but basically it was the same place where he and Pippa had lived and loved, and lost each other.

  Susan, Pippa's assistant, was in charge now. She frowned when she saw Luke. "I'm afraid it's full up."

  "What about the room just down the corridor?" Luke asked.

  "That's a storeroom."

  "Can I see it?"

  "But it's full of sheets and pillows," she insisted.

  "I'd still like to see it."

  He found himself counting the steps down the passage to the room that had once been his and Pippa's. There were exactly eight if you took large strides, or twelve if you took short running steps because you were trying to undress each other at the same time.

  The room came as a shock. The walls were now lined with deep shelves on which were the house supplies, bedding, tins of food, detergent. The iron-ing board leaned against the wall, and a large sack of potatoes stood in a corner. Everywhere he looked he saw neatness and order.

  "It's very-tidy." It was all he could think of to say.

  "Ms. Davis is particular about tidiness," Susan assured him. "She says otherwise we'd never find anything."

  "If I can have a few cushions and borrow some blankets, I'll sleep here."

  "There's no need. You can have the sofa in the-"

  "I'd rather be here," he said quietly.

  Josie, who had slipped in after him, now darted away and returned with the sofa cushions, which she arranged on the floor. Then she took some blankets down and began to arrange them, too. From a cupboard she took a hanger, and indicated for Luke to give her his coat. Together they arranged it on the hanger, and he put it up on a peg.

  "Susan's making something to eat," she said.

  "I don't think I could-"

  "I'll bring you some here, shall I?"

  "Thanks," he said, gratefully. She'd known he wanted to be alone. Was that because of an instinctive understanding between him and his child, he wondered? Or because even she felt that he couldn't face things?

  She brought him some food, and watched while he ate it. He had no appetite and would have left some, but she said, "Finish everything. You've got to keep your strength up," sounding like a wise little adult. He did so.

  "Why did you want this room?" she asked.

  He smiled and stroked a stray lock of hair away from her forehead. "Guess."

  "You and Mommy?"

  "Yes. We lived in here. We used to pay part of our rent by doing some of the cooking. That was the only way we could afford to live. We didn't have anything-but we had everything."

  Then he broke completely, putting his head in his hands and sobbing without restraint. Pippa, who had made everything right, was no longer there, perhaps would never be there again. But there was someone else, someone who stretched small arms around him as far as they would go, and kissed him. He put his arms around her, and they clung together, saying nothing, because it was too terrible for words.

  At last Elly came to put her to bed, but Josie set her chin. "I want to stay with Daddy," she said.

  "Why doesn't Daddy come and put you to bed?" Elly suggested.

  She agreed to this compromise, and they all went up to the room Josie and Elly were to share, with Frank in a Box room across the corridor. The events of the past hours had left the little girl worn-out. Despite her fear for her mother she was half-asleep by the time she was ready for bed. She kissed Elly, but it was Luke's hand she clung to until she fell asleep. He gently disengaged his fingers and leaned down to kiss his sleeping child. When he looked up, he found Elly watching him kindly.

  "Thank you," he said, and she nodded.

  Back in the storeroom the night seemed to close in on him. Restlessly he began to rearrange his few items of furniture. He couldn't put the makeshift bed in the same place as the old one, because the shelves were in the way, but he managed to get it at the same angle. He didn't quite know why he'd done that, except that anything else seemed wrong.

  He lay down and closed his eyes, and at once she was there, snuggling up against him, her tousled head on his shoulder, one arm about his neck. He opened his eyes again and sat up. Why had he returned to this room, where so much had once been his, so much that he'd thrown away? It was filled with Pippa, with her love, her joy, her passionate, selfless giving.

  You're very good at holding off, aren't you Luke?

  He got to his feet and switched the light on. The room seemed to mock him.

  Just here had stood the table where he'd first fed her and been enchanted by her wacky nature. Over there had been the sofa with the creaking springs where she'd first kissed him and demolished all the defenses he'd thought he'd put up against her magic.

  In that corner had stood the rickety chair that had collapsed beneath her, and she'd lain amid the ruins, laughing too much to move, until he'd pulled her up and into his arms, kissing her madly, adoring her because all life and warmth was in her, as though she'd found the secret of the world. But secretly afraid, too, because to love someone that much was like putting chains on your soul.

  That's how you survive, isn't it? By never getting too close to anyone.

  "No," he shouted. "No!"

  But for all his denials, what they'd had back then had ended in this room where everything was neat, functional, dead. And it was his doing.

  They were all there in the corridor again next morning, even the boarders who knew that they wouldn't be allowed into Pippa's room. They were her friends and they cared about her. Luke tried to think who would do the same for him. His family, of course, and Claudia, but not troops of unconnected people. Getting hundreds of hits on your Web site wasn't the same, somehow.

  More waiting. More hours crawling by. The doctors had begun to lift the heavy sedation so that Pippa could regain consciousness. But she didn't, which, Luke could tell, worried them more than they wanted to admit.

  Frank looked to be at the end of his tether. Luke regarded him with pity, feeling the old antagonism die. Josie made a movement toward him and Elly, but stopped, glancing quickly at Luke, as if torn between them. He touched her gently, whispering, "Go and talk to them." Watching her go, Luke found himself talking to Pippa in his head.

  "You see? There'll be no tug-of-war on my side. That's what you wanted, isn't it? Where are you? Do you know?''

  His life had contained little that could be called spiritual, but now he tried to believe that Pippa was there, watching him even while she slept in the next room. He had to believe that she knew.

  More waiting. Why hadn't she come to? What weren't they telling him?

  At last the door opened and the doctor beckoned, standing back for Luke and Josie to enter.

  "She's beginning to move," he said.

  They went quickly to either side of her bed. Pippa was stirring, muttering inaudibly. The next moment she had opened her eyes, looking directly at Josie.

  "Hallo, Mommy," the child said joyfully.

  "Hallo, darling." She managed to move her arm a few inches in invitation, and Josie laid her head against it. Luke stood back, willing to
wait for his moment.

  At last it came. Josie said, "Mommy, look," pointing to him, and Pippa turned her head, just a little. Slowly he sank down until he was on his knees beside the bed so that she could see him more easily.

  "Didn't you know I'd come, my love?" he asked.

  She managed a faint smile. "I guess I did." Her eyes closed again.

  "Pippa," he said urgently.

  "She should rest now," the doctor said.

  He let himself be shepherded out with Josie, but once outside he drew the doctor aside, speaking very quietly.

  "How much does it really mean that she came around?"

  "It helps," the doctor said after a pause, "but it's not conclusive."

  "You're telling me that she could still die?"

  "Yes, I am. It's good that she's regained consciousness, but some of the signs aren't as good as I'd hoped."

  "I want to see her again, now. Just for a moment."

  The doctor was about to make a formal protest, but something in Luke's eyes stopped him. "Two minutes," he said.

  As he approached the bed again, he noticed how poor Pippa's color was, almost the color of death. She was slipping away from him.

  "Pippa," he said, "listen. I've got something important to ask you." He saw the question in her eyes. "It's this-will you marry me?"

  "Ask me again," she whispered, "when I'm out of here."

  "No, I mean now, today."

  "Oh, yes-of course-Josie-"

  "No," he said, becoming frantic with the need to make her understand. "You think I'm just trying to get a legal claim on her, but I'm not. It's not about her, it's about us. We should have been married years ago, and now, if-" he could hardly say it "-if I lose you, I want the world to know you were my wife. Not just my girlfriend, or the mother of my child, but my wife. Please, darling, marry me now. It would mean so much to me."

  "Would it-really?"

  "Everything in the world," he whispered.

  "But can it be managed?"

  "Leave everything to me. In the meantime-" From his pocket he took the engagement ring. "This is yours." He slid it gently onto her finger, and had the pleasure of seeing a glow come into her eyes.

  "I didn't really want to give it back," she said.

  "I'm going to fix everything. You-you be here when I get back, okay?"

  "Okay. Luke-"

  "Yes, darling?"

  "Talk to Harry," she murmured. "He's studying law."

  Luck was with him in one way because Harry was right outside. But in another way it was against him, because Frank and Elly were there, too.

  "If you think I'm going to allow this you're out of your mind," Frank said harshly. "I'm going to speak to the hospital authorities and have you thrown out. They won't let you pester a sick woman again-''

  "Frank." Elly put a gentle hand on his arm. "It's no use. If this is what Pippa wants-how can we deny her, when it may be the last thing-''

  Frank's shoulders shook. "Do as you please," he said hoarsely, and turned away.

  Harry got to work on a special license, and because of the circumstances was able to get one within an hour. Then he went one better and produced an uncle who was a vicar.

  Josie was sitting beside Pippa holding her hand when Luke returned.

  "How is she?" he whispered.

  "She keeps going to sleep and waking up again. Daddy, she says you're going to get married."

  "We are."

  Josie's face brightened. "When?"

  "Today, just as soon as it can be fixed."

  She beamed. "Can I be a bridesmaid?"

  "Honey, it's going to happen right here, not in a church."

  "But Mommy will still need a bridesmaid, because she's a bride."

  "I guess she will."

  Josie slipped out of the room, and Luke sat beside Pippa, taking her hand. Her eyes were closed. "You're going to be my wife," he said, "as you should have been all these years. When you're better we'll do it again with all the trimmings. You'll have the best wedding dress you can find, but you'll never look more beautiful to me than you do this minute."

  She opened her eyes and smiled sleepily, but he couldn't tell how much she'd heard.

  One by one they came in, the friends from the guest house. Harry's vicar uncle slipped in timidly as though hoping not to be noticed. Frank and Elly were there, too, but standing apart, looking unhappy.

  "Where's Josie?" Elly asked.

  "She vanished," Luke said, looking around in dismay.

  But Josie returned at that moment, bearing two small bouquets. "There's a flower shop downstairs," she explained. "Here, Mommy." She put the larger bouquet in her mother's hands as they lay weakly on the sheet.

  "Thank you, darling."

  "Are we all ready?" the vicar asked. "If it's all right with you, I prefer to use the old-fashioned service."

  "Fine," Luke said. Then a horrible thought occurred to him. The old-fashioned service, which meant…

  "Sir," he said in a loud whisper to the vicar, "about this service-she won't obey."

  "I beg your pardon?"

  "Cut out obey," Luke muttered urgently. "She won't do it."

  "No, she flaming won't," Pippa murmured.

  "Sorry about that," Luke said.

  "No, no, I quite understand," the vicar said. "They none of them do these days."

  The sigh that accompanied these words told volumes about the little vicar's domestic life. Luke's eyes met Pippa's and, incredibly, a spark of amusement flashed between them. She was close to death, but even now she couldn't resist sharing a joke with him. Luke closed his eyes for a moment, and a shudder went through him. She was so alive, it simply wasn't possible for her to die. It wasn't possible because he couldn't bear it.

  Then he felt the weak movement against his hand and, looking down, saw that Pippa had reached out to him. He twined his fingers in hers and felt the comfort she was offering.

  The vicar cleared his throat. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here…"

  Luke didn't hear the next bit. He was watching Pippa's face, seeing her eyes fixed on him with a look of joyful wonder that smote him to the heart. In spite of everything, she loved him so much that this moment could make her happy.

  The vicar inquired, "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?"

  There was an awkward silence, because nobody had thought of it. Some of them looked at Harry, and some at Jake, but before either could speak, a voice from the back said, "I do."

  Every head turned to see Frank come forward, pale but determined. "I do," he said again, taking Pippa's hand and offering it to Luke.

  Pippa's eyes shone. "Thank you, Frank, dear."

  Luke inclined his head to Frank in gratitude, knowing what the gesture would mean to Pippa. Then he realized that the vicar was asking if he would have this woman to be his wedded wife. He felt as if he was in another world as he made the response and listened as Pippa made hers.

  Then came the moment Luke had dreaded, because he wasn't sure he could get through it without breaking down.

  "I, Luke, take thee, Philippa, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold…to love and to cherish, till death do us part…" His voice shook on the words, but her hand in his kept him safe.

  Now it was Pippa's turn.

  "I, Philippa, take thee, Luke, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold…to love and to cherish, till death do us part."

  When the vicar asked if he had the ring, Luke looked blank. In the agitation, he'd forgotten this part. But Elly was there, offering him her own ring. Then he was slipping it onto Pippa's ringer. "With this ring, I thee wed…"

  And she was his wife.

  He looked down, hoping to meet her eyes, but Pippa had slipped into unconsciousness again.

  "I want to stay with her all the time now," Luke told the doctor. "I won't disturb her, but I want to be with her.''

  "All right. Perhaps it'll do her some good, especially if you talk to her."

  "Will she h
ear?"

  "It's hard to tell, but we know that hearing is the last sense to go. There are cases of people in a deep coma who awoke and described everything they'd heard. It's not good that she's slipped back like this, and if you talk, it may make all the difference.''

  More waiting. Just himself and Josie now, one each side of the bed as the night passed. They took it in turns, one to talk, one to doze, trusting each other for what would happen if Pippa stirred. But the night wore wearily on, and still she didn't come back to them.

  In the early hours he leaned over and kissed her while Josie did the same from the other side, but Pippa didn't react. That was the hardest thing, to make no impression on her at all, she who had been as swiftly responsive as quicksilver. It made him want to howl and bang his head against something to cover the fear and despair that were rising in him. But Josie was there, needing him to be strong, so he just smiled and squeezed his daughter's hand.

  "Dad, it's like she doesn't know we're here."

  "Of course she knows, honey. Remember what the doctor said. She can hear things, even when she's unconscious. Can't you, darling?" He gently brushed Pippa's face. "You know we're here, and you know what we're saying, especially when we say that we love you."

  "But how does she know, Daddy?''

  "I don't know. It's a mystery, just like love is a mystery. She knows how much we love her, and she can feel that love, wherever she is. And it's making her strong, so that she'll be able to find her way back to us."

  "But where is she now?" Josie's eyes were on him, confident that he, too, was strong and wise and could take care of her.

  "I'm not sure exactly where she is," he said carefully, "but it's a place where she needs to be until she's well enough to awaken."

  "Like a sort of hospital inside?"

  "Yes, just like that. She'll wake up when she's ready, and she'll be better. Then we can look after her-you and I, you'll see-" His voice broke.

  "Yes, Daddy," Josie said softly, taking his hand.

  More hours passed, but nobody was counting them now. Still Pippa lay motionless. Josie's head was on the bed. She wasn't crying openly, but her cheeks were wet, and Luke made a desperate decision.