Skeletons

by McFadden, Shimeka

  “Justin that was over six hours ago.” I fussed going into the bathroom to get him some water to drink with his medication.

  Giving Justin the medication I cleaned his wound and changed the dressing, I wanted to cry at the large mark that Chad left on him, but he left an even larger mark on my life. The medication kicked in and Justin fell asleep. Ignoring my own pain I began cleaning our house and made dinner only settling down to catch up on a few emails. Justin woke two hours later, it felt good to have him wrap his arms around me.

  “Thank you Jovanna.” He breathed.

  “Thank you for what?”

  “For being who you are and doing the things that you do.”

  I didn’t say a word.

  Justin kissed my neck softly as he caressed my breast, I moved his hand, and “Baby you are hurt.” I protested.

  “My gut his slashed, but everything else works just fine.” He smiled as he continued to kiss me.

  I rolled over to my back and gave Justin my tongue, “Doctor’s orders are for you to take it easy.”

  “Then you get on top.” He winked, “And I’ll lay back and enjoy the ride.”

  I laughed.

  “I love you Jovanna.”

  We looked silently into one another’s eyes for a moment that seemed like eternity.

  Justin broke the silence, “Now that we are about to be husband and wife and after all that we have been through over these past few months I need to know that I can trust you. I need to know that you are the woman who I have known all of this time and that I can lay next to you in bed and not have doubts in my mind.” He said while holding my hand. “I might be a rich white boy, but I am also someone who has been there and done that so I am no fool.”

  I didn’t know what to say; I’d never been honest about things with Justin. As far as he was concerned the run in with Chad was just some random act of violence as was the shooting. I was not woman enough to let my skeleton out of the closet for the fear of it ruining my relationship with the man that I was about to marry and for fear that when he looked at me the affection in his eyes would turn into affliction. I was not ready to be honest with him therefore I was not ready to be his wife.

  “Justin as much as you and I have been through and throughout the adversity that has been made out of our union, honey I would be a fool to hide anything from you. You are my heart and soul, you know me better than anyone else knows me and I love you.”

  “The night that I lay bleeding on the ground, helpless, angry that I couldn’t defend you against that man, I heard your conversation with him. He called you Marquita.”

  I gulped hard as the tears formed in my eyes, holding my head down I couldn’t even look my man in his beautiful, blue eyes.

  “At first I thought that he was a crazy man and this whole thing was a case of mistaken identity, but my thoughts have stayed with me this entire time and I know that this whole thing was not random. In the pit of my stomach I knew that you knew him and you knew who was tormenting us the whole time from the phone calls to the attack inside of our home. Are you hiding something from me?”

  The tears escaped my eyes and fell onto my cheeks as I tried to continue the lie by shaking my head in denial.

  “I followed you the day that you fell in the park and was confronted by that man in the Cadillac the same man that attacked us. I followed you to the pawn shops as you tried pawning the engagement ring that I brought you. I knew that you sold the engagement ring and the watch. I thought that you had a gambling addiction when you were found at the casino, but it just didn’t add up. As angry as I was and as much as it hurt me to keep this all inside, I waited for you to finally come clean to me, but you failed me.” Justin wiped tears from his eyes, “It bothers me that such an amazing woman could hide something from me that could have ended my life, all of the while looking me in my eyes and telling me that you love me every single night.”

  “You lied to me, you deceived me and now you want to marry me. Who am I marrying? Who are you?”

  “I am Jovanna Justin.” I cried, “I am the same woman that you nearly ran over in the park the day that we met, I am the same woman that you fell in love with and asked to marry you. I am me. Please trust that I have told you everything it is that you need to know about me.”

  Snatching away from me Justin lay back on his back, “I cannot marry someone that I do not know.”

  “Can’t you just love who I am now Justin?” I asked, but he didn’t answer, he only turned his back falling asleep.

  The next morning I said the unthinkable to Justin as we lay on our own sides of the bed. “I can’t do this.” I said with tears in my eyes.

  “Do what Jovanna?” Justin asked sitting upright in the bed.

  “I don’t think that I can marry someone who doesn’t trust me.”

  “I never said that I didn’t trust you.”

  “You did say that you didn’t think that I was being honest with you about what has happened.”

  Justin scooted closer to me, wrapping his arms around me, but I pulled away from him, “I just don’t understand what happened and yes I do think that you are keeping something from me, but it can’t be something so bad that we can’t work it out.”

  Getting up from the bed I put on a pair of lounge pants, “Some things are better left unsaid. Why can’t you just leave well enough alone?”

  “Because I want to know who in the hell that I’m marrying.” He fumed. “You know all that there is to know about and if you want to know more then I will tell you. Why are you keeping secrets from me Jovanna?”

  “I can’t do this.” I threw my hands up, “I am calling off the wedding.”

  Looking at me in disbelief and pain Justin managed to get out of bed, “Are you serious?”

  “Baby lay back down before you injure yourself further.”

  “I am already injured Jovanna, but don’t think that I’m about to let you just walk out of my life like this.”

  “There are some secrets that just need to be kept Justin.”

  “Not from your husband!” he fussed. “Did you kill someone or something?”

  Slicing my eyes at him I walked out of the bedroom not only to get away from him and his constant questions, but also to hide my tears.

  “Jovanna talk to me.” He followed.

  “There is nothing left to say; I just want out.”

  “What are you running from?”

  “Trust me; I am doing you a favor.”

  Tears streamed down Justin’s red face, “I don’t understand what is happening to us. I love you so much; you said that you loved me, so why is it that you want to hurt me?”

  “I don’t want to hurt you and that is why I have to leave you.” I turned towards him with tears streaming down my face, “Justin I love you too much to expose you to my skeletons. I want to be your perfect little Jovanna, but I am not perfect. I have secrets that would hurt your that is why I’d rather leave and hurt you now than wait around for you to be hurt later.”

  “Please Jovanna, don’t go.” He held onto my hand.

  “I’m sorry.” I said softly pulling away.

  As hard as it was for me to walk away from a life that I loved and enjoyed, it would have been even harder to face the truth and tell Justin about my past.

  Santana reveled her skeleton to Mike and it cost her the love and respect of her husband and her marriage. Asteria let her skeleton out of the closet, which ended up costing her the most important relationship that a woman can have, the relationship with her sister. I, on the other hand, was more comfortable with my secret hidden deep in my closet and now that Chad was gone for good this was a secret that would follow me to my grave, but as long as no one else knew about it I would never tell.

  Epilogue

  Asteria

  I could hardly believe that it has been four months since I last spoke to Pandia and while I still thought about her and her son every day, I felt at peace to finally know that I was not caught up in a love t
riangle between her and Keith. It hurt when I had to give up my half of Gods & Goddesses, but it hurt even more have given up a relationship with my only sister.

  Trying to end things with Eric was much harder than I thought that it would be. I thought that he would have wanted to leave me alone after I told him about Keith and I, but Eric was running from his own skeleton that he kept hidden in his closet. He’d moved from Florida three years after being released from a Florida prison for dealing drugs where he served eleven years of his life. After he was released from probation he moved to St. Louis where he and his cousin opened up the mechanic shop with hidden drug money that he had saved up before he went to prison.

  “How can I judge you for what you did when what I did ruined families and changed neighborhoods?” He asked after telling me about his secret. “What you did was heinous, but you cannot live the rest of your life beating yourself up about the mistake that you made. You are seeking forgiveness from your sister, but who you really need forgiveness from is yourself.”

  Eric was right, I sent letters, flowers and cards to Pandia trying to get her to forgive me, but she never acknowledged them. The first month was the worst. I beat myself up on a daily basis because I felt that is what I deserved after what I’d done to my sister. However, after Eric and I talked about things I started to heal and finally I forgave myself. I hated the fact that Latif would not have his father in his life like he deserved, but he did have Eric who treated him like his own son.

  It was odd seeing Santana living without Mike, but she was a lot happier. After the divorce was finalized she said that for the first time in a long time she felt free. She stopped going to church and began practicing Buddhism and she’d moved from the suburbs into a loft in the city. I knew that she still loved Mike, but now she loved herself even more. Although Mike got full custody of the children considering her drug use and the fact that he told the judge about the affair that she’d had with Tabitha, she was still able to see Malik and Mya for two weekends a month which seemed to make her happy.

  Leaving Justin was one of the hardest things that Jovanna had to do, but no matter how much we tried to talk her out of it, she packed up her things and moved to Chesterfield. She told us that she couldn’t bear to let Justin know about her past and she feared that he would never understand. I thought that if she’d told him he would have understood and forgave her. She was concerned more about his mother finding out and hating her even more for living down to the expectations that she’d set in place for Jovanna. After leaving she suffered from a bout of depression, had it not been for Santana and I she wouldn’t have gotten the help that she needed from a local therapist to help cope with things instead of constantly running away.

  I ran into Justin a few months after she left and while he was still hurt by her decision he was willing to try to work things out with her, but she wouldn’t return any of his countless phone calls, emails and texts and she made us promise not to tell him where she moved to.

  Skeletons live in everyone’s closets, but it is when those skeletons start to come out that we lose focus on what is important as we try to keep those closet doors shut. It seems that it is easier to let the skeletons out and deal with issues of the past rather than fight to keep them hidden.

  About The Author

  Shimeka is the mother of six children who resides in the small, but historic town of Alton, Illinois. She has been writing since the sixth grade and has always had a love affair of the written word having read anything from Dicken’s to Dickey. She has been married to the love of her life for the past eight years and assures people that no more children will come of this blessed union. When Shimeka isn’t writing, reading, wiping, cooking, fussing, yelling and cleaning she maintains her blog Six Kids & A Pen.