Broken Fairytale

by Nikola Jensen

  “I’m off first thing tomorrow morning so thought I’d have one last night out with the lads tonight,” he nods his head in the direction of a group of lads propping up the bar. Sofia comes back with another round of woo woo’s, she must’ve taken a detour from the ladies. Perfect distraction I think as I take my drink from her.

  “Connor, this is my best mate Sofia, Sofia this is Connor.”

  I immediately see Sofia’s eyes light up as she steps up on her tip toes in an attempt to kiss him on his cheeks. Connor starts to laugh and bends down slightly for her.

  “You’re a tall lad aren’t you,” she laughs.

  “Nice to meet you too Sofia, Izzy’s told me a lot about you.”

  “All bad stuff I hope?” Sofia winks at him.

  “Umm yeah sure,” he laughs as he seems to take all of her in with his eyes.

  I clear my throat without wanting to sound too obvious but Sofia gets the hint because she looks away and picks up her woo woo. An awkward silence follows.

  “Right well, I best be going back to the lads as it’s my last night. Just wanted to say hello and make sure we’re good Izzy.” He looks down at me with a genuine smile, his eyes warm and tender. I actually melt a little at those words because truly, I care very deeply for him.

  “Connor, we are good and I hope we can be mates because I couldn’t bear to lose you,” I say as I give him a fierce cuddle, resting my head on his chest.

  “Always Izzy, always,” he whispers in my ear as he hugs me back.

  I look at him, and sitting on this stool I am nearly at eye level so I place a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Take care Connor and let me know how you get on won’t you. Oh and ring me when you’re back so we can go for a drink.”

  “Sure thing Izzy, see you later,” he winks at me. “And Sofia, it was nice to meet you.” He smiles at us both as he walks off to re-join his mates.

  “Bloody hell Izzy, he’s gorgeous, I can see your dilemma now, though I have to say the way Declan looks at you and you at him, I’d say there is no doubt who you should be with. But damn Connor is one fine specimen of a man.” Sofia looks over at the group of lads where Connor is being slapped on his back as they all belly laugh at something he said.

  I shift my attention back to the stage and drink in all that is Declan. Yeah for sure Connor is amazing but Declan has my heart. He’s given a part of himself to me and has seen and knows more than any other man I’ve ever been with. Saying that though, it’s not a lot.

  A man suddenly walks past where Sofia and I are sitting and I freeze immediately. I look at him and I swear his profile is almost like seeing Zack and his scent is unmistakably the same cologne as what Zack always used. Even though I’m sober enough to realize this man isn’t Zack, I still leap off my chair and grip the man’s arm trying to get a good look at his face. I feel like I’m in a trance, forced to feel as everything stops around me. I don’t know what possesses me.

  The tears start to fall and I know this guy is not Zack…of course I know, I’m not crazy. But it’s as if my sane self has been gagged and bound and the wishful me wants this to be Zack, to wish the last eighteen months have been only a nightmare.

  “Hey what the hell?” the bloke yells as he pushes me off him. Unfortunately I’m already unsteady on my feet so I fall backwards and feel my temple hit the side of the bar before my hand gets hold of it. I stumble but manage to grab hold of it before I face plant on the floor. Shit, I feel all dizzy and my head starts to throb immediately. The silence is deafening as the music suddenly stops. Then the commotion starts and I see Declan flying off the corner stage with his arm already drawn back in readiness to land a punch on the guy who pushed me.

  “What the fuck man,” I hear him say as his punch lands bang on target followed by a quick jab to the guy’s stomach. They both end up on the floor with Declan straddling this poor bloke who’s desperately trying to claw one back.

  “Declan stop,” I shout at him trying to pull him off. But yeah I have no chance, I’m still feeling a bit woozy and Declan seems lost in blind rage. I’ve never seen him like this. I can’t stand it, I feel sick to my stomach, confused and scared so I decide to make a run for it.

  I run till I get to the park where I collapse on the ground, my head swimming and throbbing. I feel sick but as my breath slows down to normal, the nausea passes. I can hear Declan and Aiden calling for me but I can’t see them. The look on Declan’s face scared the shit out of me and I’m still shaking. I quickly crawl behind a large blackberry hedge cutting my arm in the process while I try and hide before they make it past me.

  I can suddenly see them through a gap in the hedge. They’re standing on the path looking around, Declan holding one fist against his chest, wrapped in his other hand as if in agony. I can see Aiden roughly run his hands through his hair looking around frantically.

  “Fucking hell Dec…why the fuck did you go on a punching rampage right in front of her? What’s wrong with you? Surely you’ve realized by now that she comes from an abusive home, come on mate that much is bloody obvious.” Aiden’s right up in Declan’s face all pissed off. Declan pushes him back with his good hand but not like how he went for the guy in the pub. This is gentle in comparison.

  “Shit Aiden….I saw him push her and she hit her fucking head….I lost it man and you fucking know why, so don’t think for one minute I haven’t realised by now who she really is. I should know better than anyone. I knew the minute I met her.”

  I can see Aiden put his arm around Declan, “Yeah sorry Dec, come on, let’s check if she’s run off home, her head has to be fucking killing her.” They start walking off in the direction of our town house.

  I have no idea where to go or what to do. I left my bag in the pub so I haven’t even got my mobile to ring Sofia. My head hurts, I feel like shit and I’m so confused over my feelings of what happened. I stand up and start walking towards the bus stop. I’m not really thinking of where I’m going but I’m surprised when I find myself walking the path back home. Home as in back to Mum. I wish I had money for the bus because my feet are killing me and I’m freezing cold. I decide to take my spiked heels off and walk in bare feet.

  By the time I make it home my feet are bleeding and I can’t feel my body; I feel numb. I stumble up to the front door and ring the bell not even knowing what time it is. When Mum opens the door, I all but collapse into her arms.

  “Oh my goodness Izobel, what’s happened darling girl? You’re freezing and oh my…are your feet bleeding?” The horror in her voice freaks me out and I start to shake. Mum puts her arm around me and takes me into my old room. I feel like I’m in a daze. I can hear the sea in my ears and my head feels like a giant throbbing cotton ball. I lie down on my bed and can’t help but sigh in relief because I’m so bloody tired. Mum comes into the room with a tray in her hands. She puts it on the floor and sits down next to my feet at the end of the bed. I look over at her as she starts washing my feet with a cloth that smells of lavender. Such a strong smell that takes me back to my childhood. She still has her bruises and is favouring her right side, I can see her flinch when she tries to get the grime and stones out of the soles of my feet. I can’t feel a thing, I figure my feet are still frozen.

  “What happened to you Izobel?” she asks me as she gently dries my feet in a lavender scented towel before beginning to rub an ointment into them. She looks so concerned which is wrong. She’s broken and bruised yet here she is looking after me.

  “I’m sorry Mum…I didn’t know where else to go, but please, I’m okay,” I wince at the cream stinging my feet. Mum’s looking at me as I’m talking and suddenly, she moves my hair off my forehead in a gentle stroke. She freezes.

  “Who hit you Izobel?” she whispers, a scared expression on her face. “Please no Izobel, please tell me you’re not with a violent man.” She’s clutching at her chest as I try to take her hand.

  “Mum no, it was an accident. I got pushed at the pub and stumbled in my new heels. No one hit me. I pr
omise.” I grab her hand to convince her I’m telling the truth.

  “If you say so Izobel but the state you’re in, turning up here of all places I’m finding it hard to believe this is the full story. I hope you feel you can tell me though so I can help you. Heaven knows I can’t help myself, and I couldn’t help Zack, but you my lovely girl I can help.”

  Hearing her mention Zack, I close my eyes in pain. The memory of Zack is what started it all tonight and I’m struggling to breathe. I can feel my Mum touching my temple; I’m guessing I have a bit of a bruised egg there because her gentle touch still hurts.

  “Take these tablets Izobel and try to rest, have you been sick?” she asks.

  “No Mum, I just have a headache…no more dizziness either.”

  “Well I don’t think you have a concussion then, so you should be safe to have a sleep.” She rolls out two tablets from a jar. I take the tablets from her hand and close my eyes and feel myself drifting off straight away from pure exhaustion.

  I’m not sure how long I sleep for, but it feels as if I’m drifting in and out of consciousness when I suddenly smell fire. Something is burning and I feel it envelop me and pull me under. The smell of a burning will always be a trigger for me. It’s very hard to explain. Depending on what’s been set on fire the smell will be different. I love the smell of a log fire; it smells safe and warm. Like an embrace. The smell of a fire lit by a discarded cigarette on the other hand will haunt me forever. The smell so acrid and suffocating when teamed with the smell of burning flesh it’ll literally bring me to my knees. I know this because of that night when we lost Zack, the smell was brutal….so pungent, so heart breaking and it’s imprinted on my brain; my heart…forever. I will never forget. Only people who’ve been in the same room as a burning body will understand when I say it’s reminiscent of burnt pork. A loved one whose personal smell you treasure, reduced to smelling like an overcooked piece of meat. Morbid and disgusting but so true.

  I remember screaming at the fire officer who dragged me out of our burning house. Screaming; questioning why it smelt like that, what did it mean for Zack that it smelt like that. My hands bleeding, my nails half pulled off from where I tried to pull Zack out from underneath the beam. The burning beam that had fallen and landed across our backs when the fire reached the ceiling, poor Zack taking the full weight of it before it grazed me.

  I try to shout but no words come out. It’s so dark and I can’t see anything. I can feel the gagging smoke in my throat and struggle to breathe. I scream for Zack. I know he’s here somewhere in the darkness, I know it, but I can’t see him or feel him. I can feel hands on me holding me down. I struggle against them screaming for Zack.

  “Shhh…wake up Izzy, you’re dreaming honey, wake up please.” I hear the desperation in Sofia’s voice, but all I see is darkness and smoke. Why do I hear Sofia? She wasn’t there that night. Something isn’t right here. I feel a strong set of arms around me pulling me up, much like that night. I struggle to get them off me I need to get back to Zack.

  “I need to get Zack,” I scream… “Let me go, he’s hurt, he can’t move…he’s stuck…burning…”

  “Izzy…I need you to wake up right now...wake up baby.” Is that Declan? What’s Declan doing here? I don’t want him here, he shouldn’t be here I try and push away from him but he’s so much stronger than I am, I feel his lips by my ear whispering loving words that I can barely make out as the sounds in my head remind me of being in a wind tunnel. I realise now I’m stuck in a nightmare but I can’t remember how to get myself out of it. I suddenly feel desperate to wake up from this trance which the smell of fire put me in.

  “Come back to me baby…breathe Izzy….come back to me.” I feel Declan’s hand; his flat palm right on my chest. As if measuring my heart beat, stilling it with his will and touch. My breathing starts to calm down, it’s not as frantic and I slowly open my eyes, blinking away the darkness until I see Declan’s worried eyes.

  “Oh Izzy I’m so sorry, this is all my fault….I started this. I’m so fucking sorry,” he whispers as he leans his head down resting his cheek on the top of my hair. I move my head away and look up at him and Sofia, the looks on their faces worried and slightly horrified.

  Sofia looks at Declan. “Let’s get her in the car and take her back, being here isn’t going to help her right now.”

  “I agree with Sofia,” I hear Mum say. “She needs to be where she feels safe, and that isn’t here, I know that even though it breaks my heart to say it.”

  I clear my throat as if to say something but I don’t even know what I want or need to say. Mum leans over stroking my hair and whispers to me how sorry she is, she accidentally dropped a piece of paper on the gas flame on the cooker. The burning smell. The memories, they all came back just because of a piece of paper caught fire. An accident. Declan stands up and easily lifts me in his arms.

  “I can walk Declan, you really don’t need to carry me, I’m not a child,” I almost shout at him. Seriously I have no idea why I feel pissed off but I do. Now I’m going to be the one to give this guy whiplash.

  “I know you can Iz but let me do this, let me look after you, I need to after what happened.”

  Mum comes over placing a sweet kiss on my cheek. “Ring me tomorrow okay darling girl. We need to talk about what happened tonight.”

  Declan carries me out to his car and slides me into the front passenger seat. I shiver with cold again but Sofia’s immediately there with a blanket she took from my bed.

  “Seriously guys I’m fine, just stop,” I plead with them, feeling ashamed about this situation I’ve put them in.

  They both ignore me as they get into the car. On the drive home I see Declan’s hand hover, wanting to touch me but scared of my reaction. I ignore both him and Sofia, knowing full well I’m acting like a petulant child, but it’s the only way I know to hide my shame. Sofia knows everything but I haven’t told her about my recurring nightmare. I wanted her to stop worrying about me. Not much chance of that happening now. Declan parks the car and rushes to my side to lift me out the car.

  “I know you don’t want this Izzy but you have no shoes sweetheart and your feet look sore. Did you walk all the way home?” he asks picking me up.

  “Thanks…Yeah I did, I forgot my bag in the pub,” I whisper feeling really embarrassed.

  “I have your stuff Izzy, don’t worry,” Sofia says as she walks ahead and opens the door for us. Declan carries me up the two sets of stairs to his room in the attic, laying me down on his bed. Sofia’s hovering in the doorway itching to talk to me I’m sure.

  “Hey Declan can you get me a bottle of water from the fridge?” I ask him so that Sofia and I can have a minute. As he runs down the stairs Sofia comes into the room and lies down next to me, our faces so close our noses are almost touching. Just like when we were kids and used to hatch plans for world domination.

  “What happened Izzy…you scared the shit out of me; you scared the shit out of everyone.” She reaches up and gently pushes the hair out of my eyes. I close them and try to explain something I’m not even sure of myself.

  “That guy in the pub…he wore Zack’s aftershave Sof…I haven’t smelt that since our Zack was with us and it’s like something made me grab him. Probably the drink,” I say searching her face to see if she thinks I’m crazy. Her face is passive though waiting to hear more.

  “So yeah, he obviously freaked out. No surprise really, what with some crazy chick grabbing him like that. Then next minute Declan being on top of him, hitting him…the look on his face. Sofia, I freaked out,” I whisper. “I thought of the last time I saw Zack and Dad…I don’t know…I couldn’t breathe and had to get out of there. I felt scared, confused and just needed out.”

  Sofia puts her arm around me. “But why did you go back Izzy? What if he’d been home?”

  “I knew he wasn’t, he’s in the States.” I look over at the door and see Declan standing there and I immediately know, he’s heard every word, he looks r
eady to blow.

  Sofia must have realised he’s there too because she gives me a quick kiss and stands up. “I’ll see you in the morning hun…sleep well and please don’t even think about having one of those freaky nightmares again.”

  I nod at her as she leaves the room. I hear her go downstairs and Declan closes the door behind her. He stands there leaning his head against the door, his back to me his hands clenched into a fist. “I let you down Izzy….I’m so fucking sorry, more than you’ll ever realize.”

  “Declan come here please,” I whisper.

  He turns his head and the expression on his face floors me. He feels responsible. His violent outburst was the cause of what happened. But it wasn’t, not really. It was me freaking out over the bloody after shave. The rest was just a domino effect.

  “Declan…please.” I sit up in bed and motion for him to come over to me. He slowly walks over on a sigh and kneels on the floor by the bed in front of me, putting his head in my lap and his arms around my waist. I start stroking his hair.

  “I let you down Izzy, I told you I would, and at least it was sooner rather than later. I should’ve tried harder to stay away but I’d do anything for you, absolutely anything. When that guy pushed you I saw red…I didn’t bloody think…there was no other option right in that moment Iz.”

  “Declan it’s okay, I get it. I really do, not to say I agree, but I get it. Please just come to bed.” I pat the space next to me on the bed as I scoot over to the side. Declan gets up on the bed and moves over to the side of me sitting on his knees.

  “Sit up Izzy,” he demands, his voice strong and a determined look on his face. I sit up on my knees in front of him, mirroring him in posture. He slowly unties the knot in my halter neck, pulls it over my head and removes my bra. He doesn’t touch me anywhere else. Then he gently pushes me back straightening my legs out in front of me and unbuttons my jeans pulling them off me, minding my feet. He’s so gentle I feel a tear escape my eye. He runs his hands up my legs then pulls the duvet over me covering me to the top of my chest. He moves off the bed and removes his own clothes stripping down to his boxer shorts and climbs into bed next to me. He lifts me into his arms so that my head is resting on his chest, my leg entangled in his.