Broken Fairytale

by Nikola Jensen

  “My Dad was a violent man too Izzy.” The words tumble out so quickly, it’s as if he’s regretting the second the first word left his mouth. I freeze and hold my breath apprehensive of what’s coming next.

  “He never touched me or Finn, but my Mum used to get it, every time he came home from the pub. Friday nights were the worst. Friday’s were pay day. He used to finish work at half past four and him and his mates would go down the pub straight after, rolling home in a fucking state after closing time.” Declan’s absently stroking down my arm as he’s telling me his story. Which I now realize is so closely connected to his reaction in the pub tonight.

  “He did it for years Izzy. Mum was never sure what started it, just that it did. One random day he just turned.” He looks down at me and smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, it’s an uncomfortable and apologetic smile.

  “I’m so sorry Declan.” I reach up and hold his face as I lift myself up and place a tender kiss on his soft lips. He catches my face with his free hand before I get to pull back again. His lips working mine with an intense need, his tongue begging to be let in. A fevered kiss later he whispers against my lips.

  “I love you Izzy. I told myself that you were meant for me. I just knew it. I knew you the minute I saw you at the bus stop. Your eyes. I recognised what I saw in them, they told the same story, I saw you. I knew you. Fuck…I’m not making any sense, I sound like a dick.” His voice is frustrated but genuinely sincere as he pulls his hand through his hair on a curse. I can feel the tears running down my cheeks. Declan suddenly trying to catch each and every one with his lips.

  “Declan I need you…please,” I whisper, as I look up at him.

  He smiles and nods at me, “I need you too sweetheart.”

  He rolls me onto my back and stands up to go turn the light off. The street lights leave the room lit up enough through the open window in the attic for me to see him as he walks back to the bed. I look at his naked chest so tight with muscles, the defined abs so beautifully decorated down one side with black script and swirls leading to the most sexy v-cut that is begging to be licked. He stands next to the bed, his tall and lean body looming over me before he finally comes back to bed pressing his body flush against mine, making me feel how much he wants me as I feel the hard solid length of him on my stomach. Declan puts his hands on either side of my face, holding me to him as he looks into my eyes, so intense I can’t bear to keep my eyes open any longer. I feel his lips on my forehead, kissing me on my nose moving down to gently suck on my neck, moving up to my ear where he whispers, “I love you Izzy.”

  Every word laced with so much emotion I choke on a sob, “I love you too Declan.”

  His hands begin to follow his lips, moving from my face as he kisses a trail, starting behind my ear, down my neck till he reaches my breasts where his tongue swirls over my hardened nipples followed by short sharp bites; alternating between mouth and hands. Overcome by total desire I frantically run my hands down what I can reach of his back, his tight muscles flexing under my touch. I can’t get enough of him; his skin is so hot to touch. One of his hands reaches for mine and he pins both my wrists to the bed as his other hand moves down between my legs. As he strokes me with his thumb he plunges two fingers hard inside, no warning.

  “Declan…” I cry out his name from the sudden explosion of lust surging through me.

  “Beautiful baby…so beautiful,” he moans as I arch and push into him wanting him to know I need him deep inside me. He slowly moves up my body again until he is poised above me then he stills.

  “Open your eyes Izzy, open them and look at me,” he demands, his breathing erratic. I open my eyes, find his and just as I do, he fills me in one fast deep thrust to the hilt. I cry out his name as he begins to pound into me, deep hard and fast making me lose control immediately. It doesn’t take long for us, the emotion overwhelming, and I miss a breath as he takes my mouth, swallowing my cries of passion.

  “Izzy,” Declan shouts as he pulls out and comes on my stomach, falling down on his elbow, trying to keep his weight off me as he buries his face in my neck. “Fuck Izzy….always so incredible.”

  I feel his hot breath against my skin and it gives me goose bumps. I smile in the darkness and move my arms so I can hold him to my chest where he will know I feel the same. My pounding heart letting him know what he does to me.

  “I love you Declan,” I whisper to him, hoping that he can hear me over our hammering hearts. I truly love this man with all my beating heart.

  “I love you too Izzy. It scares the shit out of me. But I bloody love you.” His arms tighten around me. We lie there for a moment before Declan moves off me. He puts on his jeans and just does a couple of buttons up making them hang on his hips. The sight of him makes me almost sigh in pure bliss. I do a complete body stretch and actually feel more relaxed than I have in ages as Declan returns. He sits down and starts to clean me off with a warm wash cloth. Oh yeah….I forgot.

  “I’m so sorry Izzy, I didn’t use a condom. I got so lost in you and suddenly I needed to feel all of you. But I promise, that’s never happened before. You’re the first girl I’ve slept with without protection and fuck, it felt good Izzy, you felt good. No strike that. You felt bloody amazing.” He gives me a cocky smile and kisses my now very clean stomach, resting his chin on it.

  I look down at him with a shy smile. “It was perfect Declan,” I blush and look away. “And you’re my first in that way too, but I’m on the pill so you don’t need to worry next time, you know, about that.” I pull a pillow across to hide my blushing face. I suddenly think of his words and I have to admit they make me jealous of everyone that came before me, but I can’t be hypocritical.

  “Izzy sweetheart, look at me,” he laughs, pulling at the pillow, climbing up my body till we’re face to face. “Only you,” he laughs. “Can be an absolute sex kitten one minute with a virginal blush the next. So fucking sexy,” he groans and attacks my mouth with his before sitting up, and tossing the wash cloth into the pile of dirty clothes in the corner of the room.

  I can’t help but cringe, “Eeew…seriously Declan, that’s so gross.” I fake gagging noises.

  “What?” he chuckles, looking all boy-ish with his rumpled hair and big brown eyes.

  I shake my head at him and pull him onto the bed by his arm, snuggling into him under the covers, my back to his front. I feel him kissing my scars almost reverently.

  “Will you tell me about these soon Izzy?” he asks in between kisses.

  “Maybe one day but not right now, not today, I just can’t. I’m not ready yet.”

  “Okay sweetheart, no rush, you tell me when you’re ready, don’t worry. Just go to sleep, I’m not going anywhere, I promise you’re safe now.” He holds me tight, running his knuckles down the side of my face softly. I feel safe, safer than I’ve ever felt and I can feel myself drifting off wrapped in Declan’s strong arms.

  Sometime in the night I wake up to the low sounds of Declan playing his guitar and singing softly into the room. I keep my eyes closed and steady my breathing as his voice and words penetrate my mind.

  “Rising above/the words unspoken/denying ourselves/thoughts are all broken…

  Falling below/surfaces bleeding/hiding ourselves the lions are feeding/

  Marking our ground/commonly drawn/taking a hold/the pages are torn

  Open up a thousand arms and hear the waves roll in/United in divided states/let this time begin…Release

  Talking out loud/silently screaming/cornered inside/where thoughts have no meaning…

  Open up a thousand arms/hear the waves roll in/united in divided states/let this time begin…Release

  Pray to the night/wishing for sunlight/deciding a fate/preparing to fight…

  The thousand arms are open and the waves have all rolled in/divided in united states…Release….This time begin…”

  Chapter Thirteen

  I wake up very early on Monday morning feeling great. The lads, Sofia and I actual
ly managed to have a fun, relaxing weekend. My breakdown was pushed firmly into the background. Sofia and I had quality girlie time Saturday night when the lads were out playing a gig. We had a complete pampering session that left every inch of us smooth, shiny and smelling sweet. Declan returned to me a hot sexy sweaty mess in the early hours of Sunday morning reducing me to a puddle with his talented tongue when he saw what I’d done. Spending what felt like an hour down there saying all his dreams had come true. Who knew? On Sunday all of us stayed in our PJ’s and watched eighties movie classics all day only pausing to go get more beer from the Off Licence and to pick up a Chinese take-away. So yeah, we had a great weekend.

  I reluctantly get out of bed noting that Declan’s already up. Since I’ve been in his bed, I’ve been sleeping in just my knickers so I go to his dresser and get a t-shirt out. It’s a very old Foo Fighters one and I put it to my face, inhaling all that is Declan before sliding it over my head. I look around the room for my messenger bag to make sure I have everything I need for Uni today. I know I have to go see Dr McGrath and I have to say, I’m not looking forward to it one bit. I know he’ll not ask me a single question. He’ll sit there all warm and encouraging and I’ll feel like I have to share. He’s so different to anyone I’ve seen before, I’m scared to see him but at the same time I want to give him me because deep down, I know he’s helping me. His presence is like a warm embrace that makes me feel so strong, and even though my past is a nightmare that’ll never really die, he will help me wake up from it. I go downstairs to make myself a coffee before my shower and the house is eerily quiet. Everyone must have early lectures today. I know Max must still be in bed because he doesn’t start his shift at the record store till mid-day, so I make him a coffee too.

  I carry the two steaming hot cups upstairs and set mine down on the sink in the bathroom before I go and softly knock on Max’s door. There’s no answer, so I gently nudge the door open, cover my eyes and look down as I softly pad into his room, but not before I see him asleep, naked on his front all tangled in white sheets. Seriously this guy has one of the most built bodies I’ve ever seen. His skin looks darker than it really is, set off by the white sheet.

  I hear a gruff sleepy laughter, “Like what you see? Not sure how Declan would feel about that.”

  I can feel my face burning as I quickly set his coffee down on his night stand. “Umm I made you coffee Max.”

  I blush and quickly run out of his room, my exit followed by his laughter as he shouts after me, “Thanks Izzy, I’m only messing with you pretty girl.”

  I lock myself in the bathroom, so embarrassed, but Max is a nice guy, so I know he won’t take the piss too much. I run a bath and take my kindle in with me as well as my coffee. Pure quiet bliss with no need to worry. I thank whatever lucky stars landed me in this house with Declan, Aiden and Max. In a strange way it’s such a relief to only hurt on the inside. Now, at least I don’t have to worry about hurting on the outside from one of Dad’s tempers. Having to worry about both makes me unable to breathe and forget. I relax and get lost in a story about romance and a hot guy, my favourite.

  Later that day, I’m sitting in my last lecture daydreaming about Declan and our weekend together. How easy it felt and wishing we could lock ourselves away and not have to face any obstacles that could make things difficult for us. My past, my present and…I’m abruptly startled out of my thoughts when I feel something bump my table. Lina. She would have been the next obstacle in mind, no doubt.

  “Oh sorry Izzy, did I wake you up?” she sneers at me scrunching her face up in disgust. If it hadn’t have been sneered with venom I would’ve smiled and said no worries. But it was and the expression on her face says it all.

  “Are you five years old Lina?” I ask looking at her with a bored expression as I try to look as though her action and the threat she brings, doesn’t hurt and unnerve me.

  She sends me one last look of disgust before she takes a seat as close as she can to me. I find it hard to concentrate on the lecture, feeling her eyes drilling a hole in me throughout the hour. I know she’s not going to go away and I make a mental note to question Aiden and Declan about her as soon as I can. After my lecture I walk to Dr McGrath’s office wondering why I’m starting to shake. It’s not like I have to say anything or divulge my secrets. But as my heart hesitates, the beats increase as if it knows the barriers will be beaten down further. That’s just what this kind gentle man does to me. As I knock and walk in after a hurried ‘come in’, it’s as though the world stops, only for me. It’s the darkness inside that terrifies me, but in this room, the reasons for me being here, the light is what terrifies me the most. Shining a spotlight on me.

  “So Izobel how have you been?” he asks as he motions for me to sit down whilst pushing his glasses further up his nose before sitting down in that worn and patched up chair of his. I note the green velvet fraying on the arm-rest, which is probably where he rubs his hands and fingers as he listens whilst thinking. The chair looks as unkempt and tired as its owner, yet just as warm and wise. I look into the kind, aged eyes and from out of nowhere I blurt it out.

  “I can’t breathe when I smell fire,” I feel the first tear run down my cheek as I swallow the huge lump that is forming in my throat. “I can’t breathe and I fall down a long black tunnel that takes me back to the night my brother died.”

  I can’t break the eye contact I have with Dr McGrath as he steeples his fingers and takes a deep breath as though he’s relieved and thankful for my words, yet shocked at the same time. We sit in silence for what is surely only seconds but feels like an hour.

  “Izobel, I need to ask you a question before we begin, can I turn the tape recorder on? I will leave it running and it’ll never be used without your permission,” he hesitates while picking the recorder up. “I do think it may help you further down the road. But this is entirely your decision and I will respect your answer either way,” he solemnly says as he nods his head at me reassuring me that I do have a choice and to take my time.

  I nod my head as I see him press a button and a red light coming on. I look away not wanting to acknowledge that my voice will be captured. I look everywhere but at him. “Since the night Zack my brother died, every time I smell fire, I remember,” I whisper, as if saying it too loud will make it all become real again.

  “Do you feel ready to tell me about that night Izobel?” He leans back in his chair as if to show me that I don’t have to fear him and my space is in no way invaded by any outside forces, only from my own.

  “I don’t know, I want to, I have to because I’m scared I’m losing control. I lost control and I’m embarrassed. I’m scared of being left….of being alone…my heart feels empty,” I hesitate, realising that I stand to lose so much more than what I’ve already lost by living in the moment of loss, which still pulsates inside my heart, making it scared to heal and love again. The air in the room suddenly feels very thick and heavy and I can see the air molecules, carried by dust motes through the low streaking sun, coming through the windows and signalling the end of the autumn day.

  “Just take your time Izobel,” he says reassuringly, his tone making me feel stronger, braver I suppose.

  “My brother died eighteen months ago in a fire,” I say in a broken voice, as I look back into those kind eyes. “I couldn’t save him, I tried, but he ended up saving me. I couldn’t reach him. I tried but I wasn’t strong enough.” My breath hitches as I look down at my hands, hands that are always referred to as a child’s hands, so small and in my eyes, so weak. I keep looking at my hands spreading my fingers as I try to confirm or justify the reason for my failure.

  “Izobel; can you tell me what happened that day but from the beginning? Tell me how your day started,” he asks, as his eyes look encouragingly at me, one of his hands resting on the frayed part of the velvet arm rest smoothing down the loose strands.

  “You need a new chair,” I say and he smiles at me.

  “This chair and I can’t be se
parated; we’re both old and worn and have history. They’ll be carrying me out in it,” he laughs, a deep but gentle laugh that warms me from the inside. So without thinking and hesitating I begin.

  “I got up in the morning, it was a Saturday. I remember being excited because I got my place at Uni. Zack was coming home for the weekend and I couldn’t wait to tell him. Tell him that I was getting out…away.” I look up, desperately wanting him to understand, but knowing that he won’t yet understand the importance of why.

  “Zack and I were safer together. Always have been. I know no one would understand why it was like that, I mean it’s not like we were kids anymore. But when you’re living it, pain and control doesn’t care about age. And age means nothing when you can be reduced to nothing with just one look or a single word. To fully understand you have to have experienced it.” I look at him pleadingly, willing him to understand because if he does, then I won’t feel so bad for not understanding it myself, for feeling ashamed and weak. He looks at me and I know he understands, his eyes tell me, so I continue feeling safe that I can.

  “I woke up early but stayed in bed reading when I heard Zack come home. I knew he’d be straight into the kitchen to make a cup of tea for himself, so I waited knowing he’d bring a coffee in for me like he always does…” I stumble with my words, “…did when he came home.”

  “Did he not live at home with you and your parents?” he asks me with a frown as if he knows what’s coming.

  “No, Zack moved out as soon as he could. He got a scholarship to a private college with the opportunity to board at sixteen. So he took it. He didn’t want to, because of me, but I convinced him he had to, that it would make me happy. He knew I’d get out as soon as I could.” I look down at my hands in my lap and start to pick at some loose threads in the worn patch of my jeans near my knee.