First Comes Love: A Chronicles of Moxie Novel

by Z. B Heller

  “Oh fuck, shit! Get these demons out of me!

  “You know I was on the eighteen hole, right?” Dr. Ford winked. Motherfucker. Did he not realize he shouldn’t joke with a woman in labor unless he wanted hospital instruments shoved up his penis hole?

  “Dr. Ford, I love you,” I said through breaths. “But if you joke around, you might end up losing your head when you bend down to check on me because my vagina might bite it off!”

  His lips tightened in a barely contained smile. After he washed his hands, the nurse gave him a pair of gloves, and he sat down on the rolling chair in front of the bed. He pulled up the sheet covering me and proceeded with the internal exam. I tried my best to breathe through his dig in my travel tunnel. He removed his hand, stood up, and took off his gloves.

  “When do I get the fucking epidural?” I clawed the sides of the bed.

  “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”

  “Dr. Ford, my stepmonster made my entire life hell, faked my father having cancer, ruined my wedding, and sucked out my soul. Give me the goddamned drugs!”

  “Okay, I see we need to get straight to the point here. The good news is you’re almost fully dilated.”

  “And the bad?”

  “The time to get the epidural has past.”

  “Drugs, drugs, drugs. Heroin, crack, meth—I don’t care, put it in the IV. I’ll snort it if I have to.” I tried to snort like a pig.

  “How the hell is she almost fully dilated?” Ryan asked. “Doesn’t labor take hours? I was planning on going to see a movie, then come back when the kids were all cute and cuddly.”

  Dr. Ford didn’t look at Ryan to answer.

  “All deliveries are different. Some can take hours or even days and some can be fast.”

  Oh, I definitely needed the details on… drugs!

  “It’s still pretty early for them to come. Will they be all right?” Miles asked.

  “I’ve had babies come this early before and some even earlier. Right now their heart rates look good and things were progressing nicely at your last appointment. We will know more once they arrive,” Dr. Ford said.

  “No! They can’t arrive. I don’t want to feel my vagina exploding when they come out. Stuff them back in. Stuff. Them. Back. In,” I cried.

  “I’m going to get a few things taken care of first while the nurses get everything ready. Then we can start pushing. Okay?”

  “No. It’s not fucking okay. Do you know how much I pay in health insurance? This is why we are being screwed over by the healthcare system in this country. Because we pay a shitload of money into a program and doesn’t offer you drugs when you need it. Fuck the government! I’m moving to Canada!”

  My declaration fell on deaf ears and the commotion started around me. Cabinets were opened, sheets were changed, and people shuffled on different sides of the room. I saw nurses taking out sharp-looking instruments and putting them on a tray next to the bed. Pillows behind my head were being propped up and carts with body warmers for the babies were brought out. It all seemed like a dream. I tried to focus on what was happening, but I was blinded by the searing pain that was moving through my abdomen. Why were women the ones to go through pregnancy and the trial of delivery? Before I could make sense of anything, Miles was at the head of the bed with me, coaching me with comforting words and a cold washcloth to my head. Renee held one of my legs toward my body while Ryan held the other. Dr. Ford sat at the bottom. Everyone cheered me on as they told me to push.

  I was tired. I couldn’t do it anymore. Why should I try so hard when I knew I was doomed to fail? Tears streamed down my cheeks as I heard more faint calls to push. What happened if I couldn’t love them enough, couldn’t protect them? Push. Would I know what do to if they got hurt or had their hearts broken? Push. Would I be able to teach them to make their special mark in the world without screwing up their chances of doing it?

  Push.

  And then there it was. A cry that would change my life forever.

  3 months later…

  I was in a deep sleep when I heard a noise coming from the baby monitor next to the bed. It started as a small whimper and quickly escalated into a gigantic cry. It was my little Sophie. I was getting pretty good at distinguishing the two babies. Sophie’s cry was more like a long wail while Jaxson’s cry was more like little hiccups. I rolled over to see what time it was: five thirty in the morning. It had been three months since the twins were born, and they were sleeping more and more through the night. I thanked God every day because going to work looking like one of the walking dead had started to get really old.

  Jaxson came into the world first at five pounds five ounces. He had a little tuft of brown hair and, I would have to say, an impressive sized penis. I was extremely proud and may have shed a tear or two. Jaxson took on more of my personality, laid-back and low-keyed. Moxie definitely thought he took after me because he’s constantly trying to reach down and play with himself as if his penis was a fun new toy. Sophie came roaring into the world ten minutes after her brother, weighing at exactly five pounds. She, like her mother, had red hair. Moxie insisted Sophie required a little bow to make her look like Pebbles from The Flintstones. As much as Jaxson took after me, Sophie took after her mother. If she didn’t like something, she let everyone within a ten-block radius know about it. But that faded away when I cuddled her on a my chest. She fell fast asleep every time.

  Moxie was exactly the mother I knew she’d be. She had a connection to the twins the minute they were born. When they put Jaxson on her chest after he came out, their eyes met, and the connection was instant. Every fear she had fell away and she became a mother. This was demonstrated almost immediately when Moxie tried to gnaw off the nurse’s arm when she came to take Jaxson off Moxie’s chest.

  Moxie’s relationship with Dillion grew closer than ever. He helped Moxie feed the twins and change their diapers—even instructing Moxie to cover Jaxson’s junk unless she wanted a yellow shower. Dillion even read to them as Moxie rocked them to sleep. Granted, it was his favorite copy of Moby Dick, and it would sometimes make Moxie fall asleep, too.

  Sophie’s cries where getting louder, and I rolled over to only to see a mess of red hair covering Moxie’s face. She was out cold and I wanted her to continue to sleep because today was going to be a big day. I got out of bed and put on my flannel pants and T-shirt. I crept out of the room and quietly walked into the nursery, hoping not to wake Jaxson. Although, I had to say… I was impressed he’d been able to sleep through his sister’s demanding cries.

  “Hello, sweetheart. What’s got your diaper in a bunch?”

  As soon as she saw me, she stopped crying and started kicking her feet in excitement. She even gave me a little smile that said, “You’re a sucker.” She was right, I was the world’s biggest sucker when it came to my kids, especially Sophie. I believed the words Daddy’s Princess was going to be a staple phrase in our house.

  I picked up Sophie from her crib and changed her diaper. This calmed her down further and her little eyelids started to flutter shut. I walked over to the glider and sat down, hoping to rock her to sleep. Like the princess she was, she went right back to sleep as she puckered her little pink lips. I put her back into her crib and quietly walked back into my room, praying her brother would stay asleep so I wouldn’t have to do this again right away. I remembered when Dillion was born; having a newborn was rough. But having two was like trying to run a zoo with two constantly hungry, pooping tigers.

  I snuck back into bed and closed my eyes, hoping that sleep would take me. But I knew I wasn’t going to get that lucky. Moxie rolled over and pushed her locks away from her face.

  “Did Sophie want you to change her diaper?” she asked in a sleepy voice.

  “Yeah. That kid has an issue about being in a wet diaper.”

  “How would you feel if you had to sit in your own piss and shit?

  “I would be a pig in shit,” I teased.

  “It’s way too early for b
ad jokes.” Moxie groaned.

  I kissed her lips and cuddled her close to me. Within a few minutes Moxie was snoring lightly. As much as I wanted to follow her, I was just too excited. Today, I’d planned a huge surprise for Moxie.

  When seven o’clock rolled around, I decided I’d stayed in bed long enough. Dillion would be up soon followed by his brother and sister. I would make everyone pancakes and get the twins’ bottles ready. Moxie decided not to breastfeed, and I wasn’t one to push the issue. My philosophy was that it’s her body, her boobs, and I couldn’t tell her what to do with them. Unless, of course, it was sex and I told her to push them together so I could fuck her breasts.

  I was taking out the ingredients to make the pancakes when Moxie came into the kitchen holding Jaxson. She was so fucking beautiful and holding our son only made her light up the room ten times more.

  “He was starting to whine, so I brought him down to have breakfast. He’s like his mommy, if he doesn’t eat on time there will be hell to pay.” She put him into a bouncy seat and strapped him in.

  “Is Sophie still sleeping?”

  “Yes. It was so cute because she had her little thumb in her mouth, sucking away.”

  “That’s going to be a tough habit to break when she gets older,” I said.

  “No, it won’t.” Moxie shook her head. “I have every intention of ripping off her thumbs if she won’t quit. Thumbs are overrated anyhow.”

  I rolled my eyes and turned on the stove to make the pancakes. A few minutes later Dillion came wandering in. His floppy hair looked like it had been in a war and the opposing side won. I wanted to get it cut, but Moxie insisted it was part of his personality. I wasn’t allowed to touch it unless she gave me clearance. Dillion pretty much agreed with anything Moxie said. That included nagging me about skipping a grade just because Moxie said he’d basically repeated kindergarten for the past two years.

  “I heard Sophie talking.” Dillion pulled a chair out from the kitchen table and sat down.

  “She’s three months old and already chatting away. She must take after her mother.” I gave Moxie a wry smile, and she discretely flipped me the bird.

  “I’ll go get her. Dillion, can you hold Jaxson’s bottle up while I get Sophie?”

  “Yes!” Dillion shouted and ran over to Moxie to get the bottle.

  Jaxson was all boy and even liked to eat sitting in his bouncy seat. It reminded me of some guy sitting in a recliner nursing a beer. I poured some pancake batter into the pan and sprinkled a few chocolate chips so they mixed into the batter. Moxie and Dillion loved chocolate chip pancakes, and today was a special day even if Moxie didn’t know that yet.

  “You ready for today, buddy?” I asked Dillion.

  “Yes! I have been so good about keeping a secret, haven’t I, Dad?”

  “You sure have been. For that I will give you extra chocolate chips in your pancakes.”

  “Sweet!” Dillion said, pumping is arm up and down and trying not to spill the bottle.

  “What’s so sweet?” Moxie asked, carry our little girl into the kitchen.

  “Dillion was just saying how the chocolate chips make the pancakes so sweet,” I said, immediately turning back to face the stove so my smile wouldn’t give me away.

  Moxie put Sophie in her own bouncy seat next to her brother’s. I passed the second bottle to Moxie and she held it up for Sophie while Dillion fed Jaxson.

  “So what are we going to do today? It’s a beautiful Saturday,” Moxie asked.

  It was time to put my plan into motion. “You’re actually going out with Renee today.”

  Moxie raised one eyebrow. “I don’t remember making plans with Renee for today. Oh my God, it’s happening. I’ve got baby brain.”

  “You don’t have baby brain. She wanted to surprise you and take you to the spa for a day of luxury,” I said, trying to keep my own excitement in check.

  Moxie’s mouth hung open. “A day of pampering? For me?”

  Tears welled up in her eyes. I became nervous she would be too afraid to leave the babies. “Sweetness, don’t worry. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of the kids.”

  “It’s not that,” she squeaked, trying to hold back tears.

  “Then what’s wrong?”

  “I wasn’t able to see my feet in the final months of the pregnancy and I’m afraid I have snaggle toes. What are they going to think when I get a pedicure? They’re going to be traumatized by my talons. I’m afraid I’m going to send them to therapy for PTSTD.”

  “What’s PTSTD?” I asked.

  “Posts Traumatic Snaggle Toe Disorder.”

  I laughed and put the finished pancakes on a plate and set it on the table.

  “Don’t laugh,” she said. “This is a serious disorder that causes nail technicians to go into deep depressions. There’s even a message board for people to swap their snaggle toe stories”

  “I don’t even want to know how you would know that, but I want you to eat because Renee will be here in about an hour and a half to take you.”

  “Are you sure you’re okay with all of the kids?”

  I walked over to her chair, bent down, and kissed her on the top of her head.

  “Of course I’m sure.” She had no clue how sure I was about the day ahead of us.

  After our breakfast Moxie went to shower, and I got all the kids ready. I had a lot to get done before tonight, and thankfully Kelly and my parents, who were back in town, were going to watch the kids. I took out the list I had stashed away and looked over the tasks that still had to be done.

  “Whatcha got there?” Moxie came back into the kitchen dressed for the day.

  “Nothing, just some stuff I need to get done for work.”

  She eyed me suspiciously. “You don’t write your work stuff on paper, it’s all on your phone.”

  Before I could make up some lame excuse, there was a knock at the door and Renee let herself in.

  “Where are my beautiful goddaughter, godson, and favorite little Einstein?” she asked in a singsong voice.

  “Aunt Renee, I told you. I’m more like Darwin than Einstein,” Dillion said with his hands firmly placed on his hips.

  “Of course! How did I possibly forget?” She gave him a crushing hug.

  Dillion laughed and wrapped his arms around her in return.

  “Glad you’re here and remembered the little people in your life.” I walked up to her to give her a hug. I whispered a thank-you in her ear and she responded by giving me a little nod.

  “Are you ready to go get pampered, baby mama?” Renee asked Moxie as she went over to the twins and started playing with their little toes.

  “Umm, I’m over here, you nasty ho.”

  “Sweetness, I don’t think using Hostess bakery goods as an insult has the same effect.”

  Moxie was trying to curve her bad language around Dillion and the twins. I told her Dillion probably knew she was trying to refrain from swearing and the twins wouldn’t know what the hell she was saying anyway. All the babies cared about was getting that formula filled cylinder thing.

  “Okay, we’re going to be pampered like the royalty we are.” Renee grabbed Moxie’s hand and dragged her behind.

  “You are a royal pain in the ass.” Moxie groaned.

  “I love you. Have fun!” I shouted. When the door shut behind them, I turned and smiled at Dillion. “Time to put our plan into action.”

  “You look a little tired there,” Renee said as she entered her car.

  When I got into the car I pulled down visor and looked at myself in the mirror. I had dark bags under my eyes, my hair was a tangled mess, and still damp from my shower. It wasn’t that I was purposely trying to look like Jabba the Hutt, but raising two newborns and an eight-year-old took its toll. I felt as if my days where like the movie Groundhog Day. Get up, feed the kids, change diapers, feed the kids, change diapers again, give the kids a bath because they puked on themselves, and go to bed. Rinse and repeat. I wouldn’t give up my child
ren for the world, but I had to say my days were becoming a little mundane.

  “Listen, if you pumped out two babies from your cooch canoe and devoted your life to them 24-7, you wouldn’t be walking around looking like Cinderella either.”

  “Oh you look like Cinderella all right. But it’s more like the Cinderella who was covered in soot and a slave to her stepmother.” Renee laughed.

  I flipped her my middle finger. “I will remember this when it comes time for you to pop out little Indian and Caucasian children.”

  Renee rolled her eyes and shook her head.

  Renee parked in front of the Vivo Salon and Day Spa. I couldn’t remember the last time I was pampered. One of my co-workers had gotten me a prenatal message, and I was really excited to use it, but the twins objected to someone rubbing my stomach and kept kicking. I think it was because I kept telling them if anyone tried to ooh and aah over my stomach or touch it without asking, they could punch and kick to their heart’s content. Needless to say, the massage was anything but relaxing.

  A rail thin woman with short black hair greeted us when we entered the salon.

  “May I help you, ladies?” she asked.

  “Hi,” Renee replied. “We have appointments under Miles Dane.”

  I gave Renee a quizzical look and she just returned it with a big smile. I found it odd that Miles had set up the appointments. Maybe he was trying to be sweet and sent Renee and I on a girls’ day. Maybe this was a giant hint he thought I looked like a character from The Living Dead. Great, Miles thought I looked like a zombie.

  “Miss Summers?” A large woman with a heavy Russian accent approached me.

  I broke my zombie trance and turned to the woman. “Yes, that’s me.”

  “My name is Olga and I will take care of you today.” Oh shit, this woman was going to break my feet in half with her hands. They looked as big as cow hooves. I really hoped she didn’t start mooing during my massage.

  I knew that I needed some work done, but apparently so did everyone else. The salon brought in the big guns for my beauty overhaul. I took a deep breath and followed Olga to my first treatment—a mani-pedi. I prayed I didn’t have any snaggle toes or Olga would have her work cut out for her.