Sell Out

by Tammy L. Gray

  “Ready for lunch?” he asked me in a lighthearted tone that was becoming common.

  I halted in front of them. “Sure.”

  Zoe trembled with excitement and latched onto my arm. We’d only seen each other in passing today, and her bugged-out eyes screamed she was bursting to tell me something. “You and I need to use the ladies room. Right now.”

  I heard the side doors click, and suddenly Blake and Chugger were walking toward our little group. No Cody.

  “We’d better move if we’re going to eat anything,” Blake said.

  “We’ll meet you in there.” Zoe tugged on my arm and practically dragged me to the closest restroom.

  “What is going on with you?” I asked.

  She did a quick check under the stalls and, once satisfied there were no listeners, took a preparatory breath. “Lindsay went to that party on Friday night and threw herself at Blake. He pushed her off, said he only wanted you.” Her eyes went doughy. “Isn’t that so sweet? Of course, Cody tries to be the hero. Consoles her. Brings her home. He acts like it’s okay that she cheated on Blake. I don’t know. Part of me wonders if there’s something going on between the two of them. Cody’s a risk taker, but he’s not that stupid. Or maybe he is.”

  The stab-in-the-back comment from first period. Blake’s jumbled words on the phone about Cody taking everything, and Cody’s casual reference of spies knowing his secrets. A sharp pain of some distant emotion hit me in the heart. “How do you know all this? I thought you weren’t going.”

  “I didn’t have to be there. It was only topic discussed in first and second periods. Not really, but seriously, there’s hardly anyone who doesn’t know about it.”

  I closed my eyes against the stinging pressure in my sinuses.

  “Skylar, honey, you’re upset. Why?” Zoe rushed over and wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. “Blake is over Lindsay. You should be happy.”

  “Can I tell you something?” I whispered, a slight plea in my voice because I was desperate to tell someone.

  She released me and stepped back. “Sure.”

  “I think I like Cody. Not Blake.” The words gave me freedom from my cage. The one nugget of truth in the sea of lies at this school. But Zoe’s mortification clipped my wings.

  “You cannot like Cody.” Her tone was a combination of disappointment and scolding, but not surprise.

  I walked over to the mirror and pretended to check my makeup. “I know you’re not a fan, but he makes me…” Burn from the inside out. Takes me up and down with just one smile. “Feel different. Special.”

  Zoe stood next to me and leaned against the sink. “That’s how he makes all the girls feel. Why do you think Vicky Donner cried over him all last year? And why do you think Jill Spencer, who can have any guy at this school, is okay with only being a bed warmer? He’s that tortured, disconnected, hot guy. Every girl thinks she’s going to be the one he falls for.”

  “What if it’s just his image?” I thought of my dad. “What if he’s playing a part on stage?”

  “Well, Skylar, then he deserves a Tony award because I’ve seen Cody in action, and he cannot be trusted.”

  My chin fell. I studied the droplets of water left in the sink basin.

  Zoe wrapped an arm around my shoulders and squeezed. “You and Blake are right for each other.”

  For all the bad blood between Zoe and that crowd, she seemed to worship Blake and Chugger. It didn’t make sense. “Why do you hate the rest of them and not Blake? He’s like their ringleader.”

  She shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I feel like Blake got betrayed by Lindsay and deserves a happy ending. And Chugger’s nice to everyone. I’ve never heard either of them bash people behind their backs. I guess I respect them. And I think you’re fabulous, so, of course, I’d want the two of you together.”

  This conversation wasn’t going anywhere. Zoe and I had two different views of the same people, and I wasn’t about to let that damage the only real friendship I’d ever had. “Okay. Just forget I said anything.”

  She gave a smile of approval, and we walked toward the door right as Lindsay stumbled in. She froze when she saw us.

  It was the first time I’d seen her up close. Dainty features surrounded by silky, blond hair. Stunning. She studied us, but her eyes remained lifeless. Two blue pools that locked away any story I might have gained from them.

  She extended her hand to me. “I’m Lindsay Clark. I’ve seen you around but didn’t have the chance to introduce myself yet.” Her hand was warm and her grip light.

  “Skylar.”

  “I know. I’ve heard.” Her tone didn’t imply meanness, but Zoe stiffened next to me.

  “We have to go. Blake is waiting for her at our table.” It was odd to hear the malice in Zoe’s voice. “In the meantime, try to stay out of the backseat of cars.”

  I was too shocked for manners. Zoe pushed me out into the hallway, and my wits came slamming back the minute the bathroom door shut. “Zoe! That was unbelievably cruel.” I was tempted to walk back in an apologize to Lindsay, even though a part of me hated her for being so pretty and for riding in Cody’s truck.

  “Trust me. She’s the enemy.”

  “She’s still a person.”

  “A person who pretended to be my friend, and then laughed when Jill called me a social climbing heifer just because I sat at their table. Come on, Skylar, you know girls like her. They parade under fake smiles but will turn on you in an instant. She’s the mean girl, not me.” Zoe’s voice trembled as a year’s worth of pain spilled from her mouth.

  I pulled her into a hug. She was only trying to protect me. “I’m sorry they hurt you.”

  Zoe offered a weak smile. “It doesn’t matter now. Everything has changed this year. A toast to karma.”

  I doubted karma had anything to do with it. “Let’s just go to lunch. I’m sure we’ve missed some grand story from Chugger.”

  Zoe’s face burst with life and color. She’d never admitted to her crush on Blake’s best friend, but I knew if he ever asked, she’d say yes in a millisecond.

  I thought back to Cody. I would probably do the same. I guess that made me just like all the other poor girls who pined over the one they couldn’t have. Maybe normal was closer than I thought.

  CODY

  Joey’s gaze followed me as I took my seat in the back of Ms. Bakerfield’s class, the seat I’d abandoned last week. He was spying on me again. Ready to report back to Blake if I so much as raised my phone to text Skylar in class. Like I’d be that stupid after this weekend.

  But I needed something. A look. A smile. An accidental touch.

  Jill’s hand slid across my arm right before she took the empty chair next to mine. “Hey, handsome.” I bit my tongue. It wasn’t a coincidence that Jill decided to switch seats. Of that, I was positive.

  Skylar walked through the door, and my temperature spiked. Everything about her was beautiful to me, but her profile could be immortalized in art. The slope of her neck, the slight lift in her dainty nose, how her green eyes popped against her fair skin.

  She didn’t look my way and, instead, took a seat next to Stoner. That wasn’t his name, but long, scraggly hair and the leather jacket he wore, even in a hundred degree weather, earned him that title. His reclusiveness and the headphones permanently jammed into his ears didn’t help the image.

  Skylar introduced herself, and they spoke for a few seconds. He offered her one of his ear buds, a gesture I’d never seen him make before. She accepted and then rocked her head back and forth.

  What was with that girl? She was like a magnet for misfits and outcasts. Or maybe she was just a magnet for everyone. It made sense. Her father had captivated an entire generation, and she was now captivating every person at Madison High.

  Ms. Bakerfield came in and slammed the door.

  Skylar returned the earpiece to its owner, but not without a smile that could melt the polar ice caps. My stomach burned. I didn’t want to be the one o
n the outside watching. I wanted inside in her head. I wanted to figure out how she could so easily fit in a world where labels and status dictated happiness and security.

  Jill leaned over. “Still pining, I see.”

  Yes. “Not at all.”

  She pulled back and whispered, “Yeah, right.”

  *

  I sat on a bench in Veteran’s Park, staring at the empty play set. Two of the four streetlights were out, casting shadows along the pebbled area. They matched the shadows in my mind. I hadn’t been here in two years. Not since I walked from the locker room in a daze, pants dripping with toilet water, lip split open and ribs bruised.

  Blake had given me the loyalty assignment during wrestling practice. It wasn’t big. I just had to “accidentally” spill chocolate milk on a snotty sophomore girl who called one of our teammates “brain deficient” in class. Never mind that Toby was a walking imbecile and probably deserved her comment. Rules were rules, and no one badmouthed the wrestling team. The spill was to happen in two weeks. On picture day. Biggest impact, and enough time so that it didn’t look like retaliation. Another brilliant set up by the king of the school.

  I continued to watch the swings sway in the breeze and wished for the same clarity that came after I stood from the locker room floor. The clarity that said no matter what, I would no longer be a victim. I wondered what that naïve kid would think if he knew he’d one day become the bully.

  Pounding a fist on the empty space next to me, I contemplated how I would get out of this mess. I needed Blake to screw up just once. To give me one piece of evidence I could use to buy my freedom.

  I pressed my back against the bench’s hard wood, stretched my legs out in front of me, and texted the one person keeping me sane.

  Me: What were you listening to in class?

  There was no response, but I sensed she was reading.

  Me: From the head banging, I would guess Steel Panther.

  Me: Or maybe Fall Out Boy? Come on, I need a new song.

  A bubble finally appeared.

  Skylar: I’m still trying to figure out the one you sent me.

  I’d been telling myself I didn’t care that she hadn’t responded after I sent a song that bared my soul. But right then, I knew it was a lie. I wanted her to know me. Wanted her to see past the music.

  Me: You’re in the stillness.

  Skylar: That doesn’t help.

  Me: It’s all you’re getting. Keep listening. I lost sleep picking out that song for you.

  Skylar: Really?

  Oh, if she only knew how much time she’d already consumed. How much time I spent thinking about her, wanting her, hating myself for letting Blake have her.

  Me: At least an hour. :)

  Skylar: So why weren’t you at lunch?

  Because I can’t see Blake touch you without wanting to slam his head into the table.

  Me: Last minute homework

  Skylar: Slacker

  Me: I know. So, my song?

  Skylar: You’ll have to earn it.

  Me: How?

  Skylar: Eat with us tomorrow.

  The girl had no idea what she did to me. No idea how hard it was to hide my feelings when she simply bit her lip or twirled a lock of hair.

  Me: What about Blake?

  Skylar: What about Lindsay and Jill?

  Me: Not interested

  Skylar: Me either

  And with those words, the shadows suddenly became a burst of color.

  Me: I’ll be there, then.

  I was walking into a landmine, and I didn’t even care.

  SKYLAR

  My dad was lounging on the couch when I came down for breakfast. His cheeks were sunken, and his shoulder blades protruded through his t-shirt. He was still losing weight, despite my aunt’s attempts to keep us supplied with gluten-free food that would supposedly not upset his stomach.

  “Hey, you’re up early.” I’d gone from seeing my dad all day to spurts of time in-between naps.

  “I wanted to see you before school. Sorry I conked out so early yesterday.”

  I slid next to him. “Don’t apologize for being tired, Daddy. Your body is fighting, so give it whatever it needs.”

  He glanced at the ceiling, and the weight of the world seemed to be resting on his face. “Maybe it’s time to stop.” Defeat was the only sound out of his mouth.

  My heart beat against my rib cage. “No. You can’t quit. You can’t.” Tears stung my eyes, and my dad wrapped me up in a tight, bony hug.

  “Don’t cry, Princess. I’m sorry I said anything.”

  “No. I want you to talk to me, but I don’t want you to give up. Is Aunt Josephine trying to convince you to stop? Because I will happily take over. I’ll quit school right now. I mean it.”

  “Nobody’s quitting. Me or you. It was just a stupid statement in a dark moment.”

  “You promise?”

  He kissed my forehead as an answer, but it didn’t bring me any relief.

  “Speaking of school. How is it going?”

  “It’s fine.” I didn’t want to talk about school. I wanted him to allow me to help him. I wanted my father to trust me like he used to before North Carolina and my stupid aunt.

  “That tells me absolutely nothing.”

  Sucks doesn’t it.

  “Skylar, please. Give me something.”

  Fine. No matter how frustrated I was with my father’s refusal to let me help, I wouldn’t add to his stress. “I’m really happy there. Zoe is awesome, and I’m a part of a ‘group,’ believe it or not.”

  My dad adjusted his fuzzy blanket. “So, when am I going to meet this Zoe?”

  I studied the lines in my palms. “We talked about this.”

  “You said you didn’t want to tell anyone before you had a chance to let them get to know you.” He lifted my chin, his brows pinched. “I want to be a part of your life. Even this new one.”

  And I want to be a part of yours. But time had shown me we don’t always get what we want. If we did, there would no dead mom or no dad with cancer. No “can we meet the band?” or stories sold to the highest magazine bidder.

  I understood that he was protecting me. I was protecting him too. “Let’s get you better first. Then we’ll see who can be invited into our little world.”

  My dad caressed my hair like he did when I was little and scared of the boogeyman. “Not everyone will betray you. At some point, you have to start trusting outsiders again.”

  “Yeah, like Ricky did with his girlfriend who photoshopped you with a stripper? Think about it. One word to the media, and your cancer will be the hottest news on TV. Not to mention Facebook and Twitter.”

  My dad cringed. “I miss the days before the Internet.”

  I wouldn’t know. The Internet had been the enemy my entire life.

  CODY

  If Skylar’s idea of earning my song meant torture and agony, then she succeeded. Somehow lunch had become three of us, with me being the third wheel.

  “Where’s Chugger?” I asked.

  “He needed tutoring this afternoon.” Blake reached up and moved Skylar’s hair off her shoulder. She startled, and he quickly added, “It was getting in your food.”

  I forced my eyes off his hands, reminding myself to play the game. “Since when does Chugger need tutoring? He’s a boy genius.”

  Blake shrugged. “I’m not his keeper. Maybe he’s with Henry. They do have Western Lit together.” He reached out, his hand hovering over my fries. “You done?”

  I pushed the tray over with more force than intended. Something was off. Chugger hanging with Henry? Not in this lifetime.

  “And Zoe? Doesn’t she usually eat with you guys?” Not that I liked her. At all. But this situation felt way too constructed.

  Skylar picked small pieces from her sandwich. “She wasn’t feeling good. Went home after second period.”

  “Did you hear Clearview is ranked number two this year? Some talk that they could beat us.” Blake mashed the
stolen fries in his ketchup.

  “Not a chance.” My tension eased slightly. I could talk wrestling. Wresting was safe.

  Blake snorted. “That’s what I said.” He turned to Skylar, offered one of his smiles that often resulted in rosy cheeks and giggles. “What about you, beautiful? You gonna come watch us sweep the state this year?”

  Sure enough, her skin flushed, marred the softness in her face. She glanced my way; a motion Blake didn’t miss. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  The silence became strained, edgy. I stood, my momentum so abrupt, the chair screeched against the tile and wobbled. I couldn’t sit there and not look into those eyes. And if I looked into those eyes, Blake would know I wasn’t playing by the rules.

  “You’re leaving?” Skylar scanned the empty seats around us. The hurt and confusion on her face were even worse than this morning when I ignored her during first period.

  “Yeah. There’s something I’ve got to do.”

  “See ya around, man,” Blake said. I sensed his approval, as if I’d just realized this was all some grand scheme to get Skylar alone. Knowing Blake, that was exactly what it was.

  I pushed through the cafeteria doors with frustration. Nowhere to go and twenty minutes left for lunch. Without thinking, I stomped toward the gym. Weights, pain, sweat. Those were all things I could control.

  A soft sob echoed on the other side of the basketball court, and I froze. It was a girl’s cry, but Fatty James still burst from the crevices of my mind. His wails were always the loudest.

  I moved toward the sound of whimpering.

  Lindsay sat crumpled in the corner outside the girl’s locker room, her face buried in her knees.

  Run, run, run. I crouched and gentled my voice. “Something happen?”

  “I’m on the Torments List. I hadn’t looked at it in so long that I never realized…” She wiped at tears that wouldn’t stop. “I’ve probably been on there for weeks.”