Highland Lover

by Hannah Howell

  “All that is verra understandable, so I ask again, why couldnae ye tell me about it? Why say naught e’en after we had become lovers? At that point it did become my business, didnae it?”

  He dragged his hand through his hair. This was going to be difficult. He did not want to tell her how he had been more or less judging her suitability as his wife, testing his own feelings to be certain they were strong enough to take her as his wife. If it sounded callous to him, and it did, it was certain to offend her. He would not like to hear that she had been judging him in a like manner.

  “Aye, it did,” he said. “By the time we were lovers, however, I kenned ye weel enough that I was sure ye wouldnae come to my bed again until I had ended the tenuous relationship with the Kerrs. Selfish bastard that I am, I didnae want ye to step back, right out of my bed. I thought I could get here and then quietly settle matters with the Kerrs. When ye told me what your father was about, I ken weel that it was the perfect time to tell ye about Mavis, but there was that fear that ye would leave my bed, and it choked the words right off.”

  That was flattering in a way, but Alana tried not to be swayed by it. She might like the reasons he did not tell her, but that did not change the fact that he had lied to her. There were some other, murky reasons for his silence about Mavis, she was sure of it, but she did not press him. They did not really matter and she suspected his reasons for being silent had changed over the days they had been together.

  “Come, love, can ye nay understand? I didnae want to lose your warmth.” He sighed when she just frowned. “And when we got here and there stood Mavis, her father loudly claiming us betrothed, it stunned me. Aye, stunned me as if someone had just slapped me in the head with a rock. I couldnae think of what to say and I didnae want to humiliate Mavis by decrying her in front of my family. She wasnae at fault in any of this and I had raised her expectations, so I felt honor bound to be as gentle and quiet about it all as I could be. It and the fact that I had hurt ye, made ye believe everything we had shared was a lie, left me as unsteady as I have e’er felt. I fixed my mind on gently removing Mavis and all talk of betrothal. Now I see that, by doing so, I made ye think I truly was just a bastard who used ye and walked away.”

  “That did pass through my mind,” she murmured.

  “All I could think of was removing Mavis and then I felt ye and I could settle matters, but that we couldnae settle anything until Mavis understood that there would be no marriage. ’Tis as if I blinded myself to anything and everything else but ending this connection to the Kerrs first. If ye would have let me explain—” he began.

  “I might have, but Mavis didnae seem inclined to leave ye alone long enough for ye to convince me that there was a reason for what ye had done and that ye werenae just some lecherous cur.” She ignored his expression, which was an odd mixture of amused and irritated, and stood up. “So, ye have explained and I have listened. Now I need to think. It will take me a while to decide if I can e’er trust a mon who would forget to mention he had two bastard children, especially when they are such bright, handsome wee lads, and decide that his lover didnae need to ken that some other woman felt she had a claim to him. And a mon who ne’er once hinted at exactly what he wants from me.”

  Gregor stood up and pulled her into his arms, ignoring the way she tensed. He kissed her with all the passion that had gone unfed for nearly a week as well as all the desperation he still felt. She quickly softened in his arms, and he took some hope from that sign that she had not turned completely cold toward him. Knowing how easily he could be stirred to the point of pushing her too far and too fast, he released her and walked to the door. He opened it and stepped out of the solar, looking at her over his shoulder.

  “As for what I want from ye? ’Tis quite simple, lass—everything. I want everything ye have to give.” He softly shut the door behind him as he left.

  Chapter 19

  “What happened to him?” Alana asked Fiona as she entered the solar to find the woman putting salve on the bruised face of Gregor’s half brother James.

  “Gregor doesnae take kindly to being teased about his wooing skills,” drawled Fiona as she wiped her hands and frowned at young James. “Leave the poor mon be, Jamie.”

  James grinned as he started to leave, but he paused by Alana and whispered, “Have mercy on the poor lad, mistress.”

  Alana sighed as he left, and then looked at Fiona. The expression on the woman’s face told Alana she was facing a lecture. It had been a fortnight since Gregor had explained himself and told her he wanted everything. It had taken Alana but a few days to realize he really meant everything—including marriage. She did not know why she was being so hesitant to accept him. Alana began to think she was afraid, the memory of the pain she had felt when she had thought him betrothed to another woman making her too cautious. There was also the chance that she had not really forgiven him, at least not enough to trust in him again.

  “How are ye feeling this morning?” Fiona asked.

  “Quite weel,” Alana replied as she moved to sit in the chair near the fire. “I didnae feel a single twinge or ache when I rose from my bed this morning.”

  That was the truth, but not the complete truth, Alana thought as she tried not to feel guilty. She had not felt any remaining pain from her wounds. She had, however, found it a little painful to have to scramble for a pot to empty her belly in. The way Fiona watched her as she sat down in the seat across from her nearly made Alana wriggle in her chair. Her mind told her that there was no way Fiona could know what ailed her now, yet that steady gaze made Alana think the truth was written on her forehead.

  “Good, then mayhap ye can cease playing such a game with Gregor and make up your mind about him,” Fiona said. “Dinnae ye think ye have dangled him from your fingers long enough?”

  “That isnae what I am doing,” Alana protested.

  “Isnae it? Ye listened to what he had to say, and ye have stayed at Scarglas when we both ken ye were weel enough to travel to your sister a week past, if nay sooner. When ye stayed I believed ye had forgiven him.”

  Alana grimaced. “I thought I had, if not then, verra soon after. Now I am nay so sure.”

  “I think he means to marry you.”

  “I think so, too, although he hasnae said those precise words yet. This was what I wanted, so I dinnae understand why I am nay grabbing it with both hands. Oh, aye, there are things he hasnae said and all of that, but I wasnae so worried about that before.”

  “’Tis a matter of trust, isnae it,” Fiona said quietly. “He lost your trust.”

  “Aye, I think that may be it. I can feel myself drawing close to him and then I halt, e’en pull back. Ach, it hurt, Fiona. It hurt like fire when I heard Mavis’s father say Gregor was her betrothed and I realized I had been lied to, mayhap used, and most certainly made a fool. I think I am afraid that he will hurt me again and I am too much the coward to risk it.”

  Fiona nodded. “I can understand that and I suspicion Gregor can, too, but, Alana, just how can he prove himself? It isnae something one can just do. He can tell ye why he did what he did, and he has. It may seem to be all monly idiocy to us, but dinnae think that means it is all a lie. He can swear he will ne’er lie again, but ye must believe him or that isnae any good. No matter how one looks at the problem, it comes down to the fact that ye have to forgive him and trust him again. Aye, ’tis a risk and I weel ken how one can doubt one’s own judgment, but I think there is always a risk when it comes to love, and ye do still love him, aye?”

  Alana smiled faintly. “Oh, aye, I do and that frightens me, too. See? A coward.”

  “Nay. Ye are still here, aye? A true coward would have run verra far away. There is a part of ye that wishes to give him a chance and I think ye should give in to it. Just dinnae ask him to make any impossible promises.”

  “Such as what?”

  “Such as never keeping a secret from ye. That one would soon be broken and then ye will be thinking he cannae be trusted again.
Or he will be so intent upon keeping that promise that he will tell ye all sorts of things ye dinnae really want to hear about just to be sure ye can ne’er catch him in a secret.”

  For a moment Alana just stared at Fiona as she thought that over, and then she laughed. “Och, aye, that would be terrible.” She quickly sobered and sighed. “Weel, I best decide soon, if only to put a stop to all these fights. An untamed lot, these MacFingals.”

  “Verra much so. Wait until ye meet the father.” Fiona rolled her eyes.

  “I suppose I will have to.” She stood up, suddenly felt a little dizzy, and quickly sat down again.

  “Ah, I thought that may be the way of it,” said Fiona as she rose from her seat and fetched Alana a tankard of cool cider. “Sip it slow. Ye just stood up too quickly, is all. That is something ye will have to take care with.” She crossed her arms over her chest and watched as Alana took several cautious sips of the cider. “And that is why ye are suddenly fretting o’er how to make yourself come to some decision about Gregor.”

  “My moment of light-headedness?”

  “Wheesht, ye dinnae think me a fool, do ye?”

  “Nay, I was but hoping that ye might just decide to be politely ignorant of it all.”

  Fiona snorted as she sat down. “I wouldnae ken how to do that. So, ye carry his child.”

  Alana nodded and then frowned. “I might just be sick,” she said almost hopefully.

  “Weel, I could always physic ye and see if ye get better.”

  All too aware of what kind of foul brews Fiona would try to pour down her throat, Alana slowly shook her head. “Nay, I am with child. I was just thinking that a wee ague would be better right now than this.”

  Fiona laughed and leaned forward to pat Alana on the knee. “I think there will be quite a flurry of bairns in this family come seven or eight months from now.” She nodded when Alana looked at her in surprise. “Aye. I hope ye didnae think I always eat enough to feed the king’s army. And I think ye may like to ken that Keira is probably with child as weel.”

  “Gregor didnae tell me that.”

  “He didnae ken it. Liam asked Ewan about how a woman with child might behave, what are the signs that she is carrying and all of that. Since all the signs Ewan told him about were being shown by Keira, Ewan said he felt sure she was carrying. She hadnae told Liam yet, however. Since no word has come from Ardgleann about the chance of a child, then I must assume she still hasnae told him.”

  “That would certainly explain some of the odd things I have felt.” Alana’s joy for her sister faded quickly as she recalled her own condition. “Weel, at least she is already married and doesnae have to decide it all because a child is on the way.”

  “Tsk, arenae we feeling sorry for ourself. Did ye think that Ewan and I were all sweet and loving from the moment we met? Or any of your cousins? I am sure ye have heard many a tale about their trials and tribulations ere they found happiness. Nay, ’tis rare when it is all clear to see and there are no doubts and no fears and no mistakes. Do ye love the fool?”

  “Aye.”

  “Then naught else matters. He wants ye, ye love him, and there is a bairn on its way.”

  “That does rather settle the whole matter, doesnae it. Yet I dinnae really wish to walk up to him and tell him he is about to be a father. He will, of course, immediately say we must be wed, and he hasnae been all that clear about his feelings for me yet.”

  “Ye mean he hasnae said he loves ye.”

  “Aye, he hasnae.”

  “Weel, give it a wee bit more time if ye wish, but let him ken that ye have softened to his wooing. The words might come if he thinks he is finally winning your heart. Believe me in this—a mon can choke on those words nay matter how strongly he feels the emotion.”

  “I suspicion women can, too.” She smiled. “After all, I havenae told him I love him, either.” She shared a brief laugh with Fiona. “I will soften; I promise you. And I will silence that voice of cowardice and mistrust. Ye are right. I said I would give him a chance, that he was worth it, and yet I havenae done so.” Alana lightly stroked her still-flat belly. “This wee life is reason enough to set aside my foolish doubts and fears and take that chance. After all, if he proves a sad choice for a husband, I can always blame you.”

  “Fair enough,” drawled Fiona and they both laughed.

  Gregor saw Alana walking toward the large rowan tree at the far end of the garden and hurried to meet her there. He was becoming highly frustrated. It was almost a relief when one of his brothers teased him about his courtship and he was forced to pound him into the mud, for it helped ease the knot of tension that had become a permanent part of him. Wooing a woman was hard work, he thought, and almost smiled at his own nonsense.

  Yet he did wonder why she had not softened to him after all his efforts to woo her properly. There were times when he thought she had, that all was forgiven, and then she seemed to pull away from him. He knew he had failed her, had betrayed her trust in him, and yet he had thought she had accepted his explanation and that all he had to do was convince her that she meant something to him, that he wanted her, and that his plans for their future were all that was honorable.

  When she turned and smiled at him as he drew near, he felt a spurt of hope. It was a smile much like the ones she had given him before she had found out about Mavis. “I believe the last of your bruises have finally faded,” he said as he reached out to tuck a stray lock of her hair behind her ear.

  “Aye, my fall from the cliff is now but a distant memory in all ways,” she said.

  Alana studied him as he stood there smiling at her. He looked at her as he always had, with warmth and interest. She was being foolish in holding fast to her mistrust. He had explained everything, and there was reason of a sort behind all he had done. She certainly would not have wanted him to treat Mavis harshly. The fact that he had tried to be kind to her was actually something in his favor, and she had to try harder to think of it that way. She had not been eager to tell him about her father’s plans for finding her a husband, so it was a little unfair to think he should have been more honest about his entanglements.

  “There has been word from Brian and Mavis at last,” he said.

  She heard the reluctance in his voice and cursed herself for a hard-hearted fool. The man should not feel hesitant about giving her such news. “And all is weel?”

  “Aye. They were married and her father didnae find them until two days later. Brian tells me that the mon took it weel, although he suspects it will be many a month before the mon ceases to complain about ungrateful children and all of that.” He breathed an inner sigh of relief when she laughed, for he had been afraid of what mention of Mavis might do to what little progress he had made.

  “I am glad,” she said. “It was obvious that they cared for each other.”

  “Obvious to everyone but me.”

  “Ah, but ye left within hours after coming home and so couldnae watch them together as the rest of us did. Fiona hadnae seen it before then, either, yet she kens that Ewan did.”

  And Ewan had not told Fiona, she realized, yet Fiona did not seem terribly upset about that. She had obviously been sunk so deeply in her own sense of injury that she had failed to think clearly, Alana decided. Yes, Gregor had lied to her and he had hurt her, but he was honestly contrite and aware of what he had done wrong. It was time to cauterize that wound and start living again, she told herself firmly.

  “Aye, the wretch.”

  Gregor cautiously put his arm around her shoulders and walked her toward a stone bench set amidst a tangle of ivy and roses. He felt his hopes rise a little more when she did not tense beneath his touch or try to pull away. There was a change in her; he was certain of it. He doubted the change had much to do with his wooing of her, but he did not care. Whether the change was born of some thought she had finally grasped hold of, a talk with someone, or simply a change of heart, it was there and he intended to take full advantage of it.

  Afte
r seating her on the bench, he sat beside her and put his arm back around her shoulders. His whole body ached with need for her and the strain of acting as if they had never been lovers. In the beginning of his courtship, he had thought to use the passion they shared to win her back, but had decided that would be wrong. He was paying for that restraint now with long sleepless nights spent thinking of her in her bed and how much he would like to join her there.

  After three weeks surely he could steal a kiss, he thought as he looked at her and caught her looking at him from beneath her lashes. Tentatively, he lowered his mouth to hers, watchful for any sign that she might not wish him to kiss her. Instead, she ever so slightly lifted her mouth toward his in silent invitation. Gregor groaned softly and accepted that invitation before it could be withdrawn.

  The sweet warmth of her mouth, a taste he had not savored for far too long, had him hard and aching in a heartbeat. He wrapped his arms around her and deepened the kiss, not even trying to hide the hunger and need twisting his insides. For three long weeks he had slept alone and been forced to keep a very tight rein on his desire when he was with her. Gregor was not sure how well those restraints he had put on himself would hold now that he had her in his arms again, warm and increasingly eager.

  The moment Gregor kissed her Alana wondered what strange whim had made her think she could turn away from this man. Her desire roared to life at the first touch of his lips. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed close to his body. Memories of his every touch, of the pleasure he could give her, flooded her mind and heart.

  This was the man she loved, she thought as he pushed her down onto her back. He had made a mistake in judgment and hurt her feelings. It was hardly a sin worthy of ripping out her own heart just to protect it from any further pain, and that was just what she had been doing by holding Gregor at a distance. Now that she held him close again for the first time in weeks, she had to wonder at what madness had seized her to make her turn away from all they could share.