by Toni Aleo
I wipe my face free of tears as I shake my head. “I’m just feeling a little lost.”
When I look at her, she is eyeing me. While it’s not the whole truth, it is part of the emotional breakdown I am having. “How so?”
“I don’t know. I thought coming home was the answer, but I’m worried that it wasn’t.”
She nods, her emerald eyes searching mine. “Do you regret leaving the show?”
I shake my head. “Not at all. I wanted that. I needed that. But now that I’m home, what am I doing? I can’t go to school yet, and when I do, what am I going for? I just feel lost, unsure, and I hate that feeling.”
I don’t know how my mom does it, but she gathers me up and brings me into her lap. The steering wheel is making for a tight fit, but I don’t think either of us cares. She kisses my temple, and I smile as she taps my hands. “You can do whatever the hell you want to do. Do you want to study music?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. I thought I did, but what am I going to do? I did the performing thing. I don’t want to do it again.”
“Okay… Would you like to write? Teach?”
“I don’t know.”
“Honey, what do you want?”
“Mom, I’m literally telling you I have no idea,” I deadpan, and she laughs before kissing me again.
She moves the baby hairs out of my eyes before taking my chin in her hand. “You know what I always thought you’d do?”
“Stay on Broadway?”
She shakes her head. “I knew you’d get sick of it and come home. You love Nashville.”
“I do.”
She gives me a small smile as she wraps her arm around my shoulders. “I always thought you’d take over from me.”
I bring my brows in. “Huh?”
“As the GM for the Assassins.”
I blink. “Seriously?”
“Absolutely. There is no one else I can even think of to take my place.”
I hold up my hand, counting off my siblings. “Posey, Owen, Evan, Quinn? Especially the boys.”
“Why? ’Cause they’re boys? My uncle had the choice of boys over me, and he chose me.”
I don’t think my heart is beating. “Are you serious?”
“Yes. Shelli, what team leads the league with goals per game?”
“IceCats.”
“Who’s the leading scorer in the league?”
“Jude Sinclair, but Jace Sinclair is right there coming up behind him.”
Her eyes are bright as she asks, “And who has the most wins as a goalie?”
“Nico Merryweather.”
“Who is the newest rookie they think will draft first right now, just by his numbers?”
“Mikel Ladervont.”
Her eyes shine with pride. “I don’t know anyone else who can answer as quickly as you do. We can talk hockey for hours, honey. The sport is your jam.”
“It is.”
“So can you see why I feel you’d take my place perfectly?”
I look down at where she’s holding my hands. “I mean, yeah. But I never thought you’d give it to me.”
“Well, you thought wrong.”
It all is overwhelming. “But you’re not giving it to me now, are you?”
“Not at all. I want you to live a bit. Have some fun,” she says. “I know you took the job with Fallon, but I was really hoping to get you on board with the organization. You’d start out at the bottom as an intern. Work your way up.”
“Really?”
“Yes, if you want it.”
I think that over. This would be a dream job for me. To be like my mom? To run the Assassins one day? To make bold moves and win Cups? When I was growing up, I would follow my mom around the arena and act just like her. I mirrored my dad on the ice, but I wanted to be powerful like my mom. I wanted to walk into a room and have everyone look at me with respect. I know I’d be starting from the bottom, and that could be tough but, in the end, rewarding. Do I really want it?
“Hell yeah, I do.”
She winks at me before kissing my temple. “That’s my girl. And that’s your plan. Now you feed it, and you work toward it. You’ll get there just like you got the lead in your first show.”
I grin widely as I wrap my arms around her, hugging her tightly. It all seems so unreal but also so perfect. It’s exactly what I want, exactly who I want to be.
I have my plan. Now I just have to get over Aiden.
CHAPTER TEN
AIDEN
“I LIKE IT.”
I grin over at my dad as we head back to the house. We just finished touring Caitlin’s place, and I put in an offer on it. She said she’s gonna accept it, so looks like I’m gonna have a place sooner rather than later. “I loved it. It’s not as great as my New York pad—”
“Or as expensive.”
I chuckle as I nod. “Yeah, but that place was sick.”
“And expensive.”
We share a laugh before he directs his attention back to the road. The plan is to drop him off and then head to get Stella from work. I need to buy a car. I just haven’t gotten around to it. Dad hardly uses his truck, so I’ve been driving it. I definitely didn’t need one in New York. “What are your plans tomorrow?”
“Nothing with a side of nothing. Oh, wait. Emery has lacrosse at four.”
“Nice. Can you go car shopping with me?”
He flashes me a grin. “Don’t want to go with your mom?”
I groan. Loudly. I love my mom. Like to the moon and back. She is the best woman I know, but I thought I was going to kill her today. Or hell, this whole week. Every place we look at, she finds something wrong with. Or what she thinks is wrong, when really, I don’t give two shits if my door is adjacent to a stairwell. I don’t care. I just want a place. Living on my own for so long has spoiled me. It’s quiet, and I don’t have to worry about being a witness to murder.
As we walked through Caitlin’s place, Mom was in a mood. Everything was bad.
“Well, honey, you obviously wouldn’t be able to walk naked through here. Everyone would see.”
“Aiden, baby, this is way too expensive.”
“It’s too far from the house.”
“The bedroom is bigger than the living room.”
I happen to disagree. I like my bedroom big. That’s where the magic happens.
“She was insane.”
“Well, in her defense, she could have gone without the ‘magic happens’ comment from you.” I snort as he shakes his head. “In her head, you don’t have sex.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I just change the subject. “I love the place.”
“It’s nice. She’ll come around. She just doesn’t want you to leave. But we understand. Stella and Emery are hard to live with.”
“They’re not that bad,” I say, but even I cringe. “They’re loud, so loud, for being so small.”
He laughs. “Our house has always been loud. It’s our normal.”
I smile, remembering my childhood. I was almost eight when Asher came along. I was so excited to have a brother, but what I got was a genius who didn’t have time for me and my hockey. He’s brilliant and way smarter than I am. The girls arrived, and I thought to myself, heck yeah, I get to be that protective older brother. For Stella, for sure, I was. But Emery… Sometimes I think she could protect me.
Not that I would need it—well, maybe if Shelli Adler ever came after me.
I don’t know why, but seeing her in the truck, crying, did something to me. I got this pain in the pit of my stomach, and I still haven’t been able to shake it. I don’t know what was wrong, or even why I cared, but I sure didn’t like seeing those tears falling down her cheeks. A part of me feels like maybe I put them there, and I really don’t like that. Though, I doubt I did. She obviously has no time for me and doesn’t even care in the slightest. She made that very clear. But what bothered me was when she said I was embarrassed by what we did. That isn’t the case at all. I enjoyed her, immensel
y, and still would love another round. But it can’t happen. I’m just now clearing my name, starting a new chapter. And pissing off Elli Adler isn’t on the agenda.
I still can’t stop thinking of Shelli, though.
When the truck stops, I look up to see we’re in the driveway of our house. Shit, I must have spaced out. I unbuckle my seat belt, ready to scoot over to drive, but my dad hasn’t moved. He glances over at me, lets out a sigh, and then looks out the window at our home. My dad bought this place before he even knew about me or had run into my mom again. He bought it because he wanted a big house for a big family. Over the years, he’s had renovations done, but it’s our home.
His dream.
When he clears his throat, I pull my brows together. “You okay, Dad?”
“I need to talk to you.”
Well, fuck me. This doesn’t sound good. “Okay?”
“You’re not seeing anyone right now, are you?”
I lick my lips as I look away. “I mean, since I’ve been home, no, I haven’t seen anyone.”
His jaw clenches, but he doesn’t look at me. “I heard you earlier. At the rink.”
My whole body goes cold. “Heard me?”
“With who I am pretty sure was Shelli Adler, but I can’t and won’t let you confirm or deny that.”
“Oh fuck,” I mutter under my breath as I cover my face. “Dad—”
“No,” he demands, and when he looks at me, breathing isn’t an option. I’m knocked back about twenty years to when I decided to steal a candy bar from the gas station. Dad told me I couldn’t have it. I wanted it, so I took it. Not only did I get my ass handed to me, but I also had to apologize to the gas clerk. Dad even made me go clean for the guy for a month. I have never felt so small since, until now. “I did not raise you to talk to women like that. To belittle them, to not take ownership of your actions, or to disrespect them.”
I press my lips together, a little taken aback by his accusations. “I didn’t realize—”
“You did,” he insists, his eyes dark and angry. “I would never talk to your mother like that. We get into some heated fights and she can be in the wrong, but I never would have made her feel like she was nothing but a fuck when we were dating.”
I didn’t do that… Did I? “But I’m not dating her.”
“Exactly, which makes your actions ten times worse,” he snaps, and I feel like he’s two seconds from taking off his belt and beating me with it. “You didn’t know who was around, and you were yelling about what you two did, and that’s wrong. You treat her with respect.”
“You heard her, right? She wasn’t very nice to me.”
“Because you were a jackass from the rip, Aiden. She had to jump on the defensive and hold on to her pride since you were trying to drag it through the fucking mud.”
I look away, biting the inside of my cheek. “It’s all just a unique situation. She lied to me—”
“Or you were too drunk to know what was going on. I don’t know what the fuck is going on with you. But, boy, I suggest you get it together. The drinking and the girls, son… You need to pump the brakes.”
I shake my head. “Dad, it’s the life—”
“I don’t give a shit. I get it. Fast and hard, that’s how we do things. But there comes a time when it gets old, and you need to realize your actions can ruin you. Not the girl. You.”
I look back at him as his eyes burn into mine. “I know for a fact that everything that woman last year claimed about you was an utter lie. I know you wouldn’t do those things to anyone. You have two young sisters I know you wouldn’t want that to happen to, but listening to you talk to that girl today in the hallway, it made me think maybe I was wrong. Maybe you don’t have any respect for women—”
“That’s untrue, so fucking untrue. I respect women—I was raised by you.”
“But I wasn’t there, and all you knew was your dad wasn’t there for your mom. So all I can think is this is my fault.”
I throw my hands up. “Damn it, Dad, no. It’s nothing like that. I truly respect women, I am kind, and we have a good time. The problem is, I don’t know those other girls or want to know them. The thing with Shelli—”
“For the love of God, do not use her name. I will not be involved in this. Because when Shea Adler and her twin meathead brothers come to kill you, I want to be as surprised as everyone else. You are so damn lucky I was the one to hear all that go down and not him, Elli Adler, or, hell, your mom.”
I press my lips together as my heart sinks. “I know. I wish you hadn’t heard it either.”
“Shit. Me too,” he sighs. “Not the light I wanted to see my son in.”
Guilt rakes over me. “It’s different with her because I know her. I’ve known her my whole life, and I thought she was trying to get one over on me or something. I don’t know. It’s not like I won’t ever see her again. She’s everywhere! Her mom is my boss, Dad. Things got heated, and yeah, I took a shot at her pride. But hell, she demolished mine. We had a damn good time, and she kept taking low blows at me—”
“I don’t give a fuck if that girl kicked you in the dick and called you a pussy. You don’t make women feel small. There are enough jackasses in this world who do that. Society does it. Everyone is always out to hurt women, and fucking hell, you will not be one of them,” he insists, and I’ve never seen such heat in his eyes. “If you overheard someone speaking to Stella like that—because let’s be honest, if that happened to Emery, she’d just kill them—how would that make you feel?”
I bite my top lip between my teeth as the rage rattles my body. “I’d want to rip him limb from limb.”
“I would too,” he says simply. “Is that how you’d want your sisters treated?”
“No, but I also hope my sisters wouldn’t be dumb enough to wear a wig and not tell the dude they’re hooking up with who they are.”
“Well, I’d hope your sisters wouldn’t be involved in an escort service either.”
“Dad, you make it seem so bad. I was protecting myself,” I stress. “I had a friend who would bring girls in who wouldn’t say anything, and we’d have fun. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“It’s pathetic and sad. I never had to have—”
“Because no one was trying to get a fucking payout then, Dad,” I yell, at my wits’ end. “I was burned bad. All I’m trying to do is play hockey and bang when I want.”
“Have you thought about doing it the old-fashioned way and finding someone you trust to be with?”
I let my head fall back. “Dad, I don’t want to be with anyone.”
“And why not?”
“Because I’m good by myself. I don’t have to worry about anything but hockey. I don’t have to feel anything. I can just fuck and move on.”
“Isn’t that lonely?”
“No, ’cause no one out there is worth my time,” I say, and I don’t know why emotions have to be involved. “I don’t ever want to feel what Mom felt when she didn’t have you.”
He narrows his eyes as he holds my gaze. “But what about how she felt after we found each other? How she feels now? How I feel? There is more to life than fucking and hockey.”
I shake my head, completely done with this conversation. “Listen, I’m sorry. I will never speak to a woman like that again. I don’t want this to be something that comes between us. So before something is said that will hurt the other, let’s let it go.”
He doesn’t want to be done. Pretty sure my dad could go another round or two with me. “I’m sorry, Aiden. I am. I still hold guilt from that time without y’all. But I thought after the years you’ve watched me love your mom and keep her on the throne she deserves to be on, it would erase what I did. What she did. She didn’t have to keep you from me, but I’d fucked up enough to make her do so. So, I get it. I do. And I don’t blame anyone but myself, but I don’t like the way my boy is acting right now.”
When I see the tears flooding his eyes, I have to look away.
�
��If it’s my fault, I’m sorry. Truly, I am. But if this is you being a pigheaded little fuck because it’s easy, get it together.”
“Dad, I love you, and I don’t blame you or even hold resentment for you,” I say to him, and I don’t. My mom did what she did, and my dad had issues all those years ago. It all worked out in the end, but I’m still cautious. “I just don’t want to hurt like she did. Nothing is worth that.”
He throws his hands toward our home. “Yeah, it can suck. It can hurt, and it can knock you on your ass. But when it’s right, when it’s true, you get all that. A partner, someone who loves you even when you feel worthless. Kids who idolize you, and a pretty fucking great life.”
Once more, I have to look away to keep my own emotions in check.
“You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Aiden James. Hands down, the best thing. I will never love anyone the way I love you, but you need to grow the fuck up.”
He gets out of the car, and I heave a big sigh. “I love you, Dad. I do. I don’t blame you for what happened.”
He shakes his head. “Show me that with your actions. Do better.”
I swallow hard.
“And while I’m at it, don’t be a dumbass. Wear a fucking condom.”
“Kill me now,” I mutter, but apparently my overbearing father is not done.
“Also, apologize to her.”
“Who? She who must not be named?” I ask incredulously. “She wasn’t very nice to me either, and I don’t hear her apologizing.”
“Yes, be a man and apologize for how you spoke to her.” Just as he goes to close the car door, he shoots me a dark look. “And don’t use cute little Harry Potter terms to try to ease my anger. I’m pissed at you, even if I can still see you fighting hippogriffs at six years old. You’re a great guy, Aiden, but grow up.”
He then slams the door hard, and I just sit there as I watch him go into the house.
The house he turned into a home for us.
Because he loved my mom and me more than anything in this world.
It all seems so inconceivable. I just don’t understand what he wants from me. But above that, how in the hell am I supposed to apologize to Shelli?