Wanting What She Can't Have

by Yvonne Lindsay

  “Dad-dad!”

  She’d spied him and ran toward him as fast as her little legs could carry her. He could hardly believe that an almost eleven-month-old baby could move so fast. Her hair was longer now and Alexis had tied it up into a little spout on the top of her head. Whoomph! Two little arms clamped around his legs as she came to a halt beneath him and gabbled off a rapid chain of baby babble.

  “I think she’s asking you to lift her up,” Alexis said from her spot on the floor, her cheeks flushed with the heat of the fire.

  “Asking, or telling me?” he said, bending down to unpeel her arms from his legs.

  “Probably the latter.” Alexis laughed. “Go on, pick her up.”

  “No, it’s all right. I’ve got work to do.”

  “Oh, for goodness’ sake! You won’t drop her.”

  Alexis got to her feet and picked up Ruby and thrust her at him. Reflexively he took her. “Hold her! She’s not made of glass. She’s growing up before your very eyes, she’s hale and hearty and everything’s fine.”

  “Got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning, did we?” Raoul commented, awkwardly holding Ruby on his hip.

  The baby reached for a pen he had in his shirt pocket and began playing with the clicker, eventually getting ink down his front. He extricated the pen from her increasingly deft fingers and waited for her to protest so he’d have an excuse to hand her back to Alexis. Instead, she lay her little head on his chest and gave a big sigh.

  “You know exactly what side of the bed I got out of,” Alexis responded, her voice softer now as she watched him and Ruby.

  “She must be ready for a sleep,” he said.

  “No, I think she’s happy to just sit with you for a bit. Why don’t you read to her?”

  “Read?”

  “Yes. You know, pick up one of those paper things with the cardboard on the outside and words and pictures printed in the middle? I need to go and check on some washing in the dryer.”

  She was gone from the room before he could protest and he couldn’t very well leave Ruby alone in here, especially not with the fire going. It felt weird, but he sat down at the end of the sofa and picked up one of the baby books Alexis kept stashed in a basket on the floor beside it. He adjusted Ruby on his lap and opened the book, starting to read from it. It’s not like it was rocket science. The words were simplistic and thankfully few, and the pictures were bright and colorful. He’d just finished the book and closed it, ready to put it back on the stack when Ruby grabbed it off him and opened it again, her little fingers struggling a bit to turn the pages. Giving in, he started to read it for a second, and then a third time.

  By the time Alexis came back into the room, a basket of folded washing on her hip, he was on to his fourth attempt. Ruby had settled back against his tummy, her little head growing heavy against him.

  “Oh, look at that. She’s out for the count,” Alexis said softly.

  “Must have bored her to sleep,” he commented, thankful he could at least stop reciting the story line, now committed to memory, over again.

  “Actually, no. She obviously feels very secure with you. At her age she can be a bit off with some people. A baby’s stranger awareness is honed around this age. Some kids start even earlier. I think it’s lovely that she knows she’s okay with you.”

  Raoul felt outrageously proud but hastened to downplay the situation.

  “It’s just because she’s used to being here now. That’ll all change when she goes back to Catherine and you go back home.”

  “You’re still sending her back to Catherine?” Alexis sounded shocked.

  “Of course, that was the plan all along. Here, take her and put her to bed.”

  “Sure thing, boss.”

  There was something about the tone of Alexis’s voice that set his teeth on edge.

  “Alexis, just because I read her a story doesn’t mean we’re going to play happy family.”

  “No, of course not. That would take far more heart than you’re prepared to admit to.”

  With that, she deftly scooped the sleeping baby off his lap and disappeared out the room. Her comment rankled. It shouldn’t, but it did. He hadn’t asked for her to leave him alone with Ruby and he certainly hadn’t asked for her opinion about his plans for Ruby’s long-term care. Yet why had he experienced that absurd sense of pride that the baby had settled with him, and why did his arms feel ridiculously empty now that she was gone?

  * * *

  It was almost ten weeks since Catherine’s surgery. Ten weeks since Alexis had come to look after Ruby. Catherine was walking steadily on her own now and, with regular physiotherapy sessions, was regaining her strength and independence day by day. She’d asked Alexis if she could have Ruby to visit for a couple of hours and Alexis took the opportunity to make an appointment to visit the doctor and get official confirmation about her condition.

  She’d done the math, by her reckoning she was just over six weeks pregnant, thankfully still far too early to show. Luckily, so far, her only symptoms were that she felt queasy every now and then only if she was overtired.

  Even if her symptoms had been more drastic, it was unlikely anyone would have noticed. Raoul was still incredibly busy conducting his one-man band of business in the winery. Alexis was in two minds about it. Half of her was hugely relieved he spent so many hours out of her sphere right now, especially as she struggled to deal with the mental ramifications of her pregnancy. The other half, well, that just saw the time he wasn’t there as missed opportunities to keep building up the tenuously fragile link that was starting to develop between Ruby and her father.

  Still, she reminded herself, progress was progress, even if the steps were tiny.

  What scared her most was, what on earth would happen when her pregnancy started to be more obvious? She and Raoul shared a bed, shared one another’s bodies, every night. He knew her body so well, eventually he’d feel the changes that she had begun to notice herself. Already her breasts were more tender and responsive than before and, as she’d noticed when she’d fastened her bra this morning, they were already slightly fuller, too.

  Somehow she had to find the courage to tell him before he picked up on the physical cues that she had no control over. Picking the right time was going to be the challenging part.

  The visit to the doctor went smoothly. The doctor congratulated her on her pregnancy and she tried her hardest to show the appropriate enthusiasm. Even though she knew everything was okay, that she was strong and healthy and that the pregnancy should continue to develop normally, she still felt an underlying anxiety. While termination was out of the question, how on earth would she cope with all this?

  She’d already put her working life on hold to be there for Ruby and yes, granted, she was paid for her role here, but that was nothing compared to what she could potentially earn as her fashion clientele continued to grow. Having Tamsyn keep things running smoothly in her absence was one thing, but would she be able to continue to expand her business if she was busy with a new baby, as well?

  Making the decision to come here had come from a position of guilt—from the fact that she’d owed Bree’s daughter the support and love she’d failed to give the child’s mother. When she’d started to withdraw from Bree, after meeting Raoul, she’d felt her friend’s confusion, the hint of hurt in the background of her initial emails.

  The lengthy, handwritten letter Bree had sent her before she died had been full of apology for some slight she had imagined was the only reason that could have caused a wedge between herself and Alexis. Bree was sad that they’d drifted apart the way they had but she’d felt, of all the people she knew, that she could still turn to Alexis in her hour of need.

  And Alexis hadn’t been there.

  She and Raoul both lived with their own sense of guilt, and it pulled at each of them constantly—drove them to make the choices they did, feel what they felt. Alexis could only hope that, with its source being a common link for them both, that som
ehow they could find a solution together for the future.

  Catherine looked tired but happy when Alexis arrived at her house to collect Ruby.

  “Did you get done everything you wanted?” she asked after she invited Alexis in for a cup of tea.

  “I did, thank you.”

  Alexis looked at the woman who had been one of her own mother’s best friends and who had packed up her whole life in Blenheim to move to Banks Peninsula when it had become clear that Ruby needed a full-time carer other than her father. Catherine smiled back.

  “I’m glad. So, how’s it all going? We’ve hardly had any chance to talk since I’ve been back home. How’s Raoul doing?”

  Alexis bowed her head and studied the fine china cup in her hands. “I didn’t realize just how determined he was to keep his distance from Ruby. Sure, I’ve got him to hold her a few times but overall I’m not making much headway. He cares about her, I know he does, he just won’t show it or even admit it to himself. He’s so inflexible.”

  “Bree used to say that, too. I think that’s why she never told anyone about the aneurysm. She knew he would have refused to have a family if he’d known, and she so wanted one with him.”

  “Have you told him that?” Alexis asked, lifting her head to meet Catherine’s understanding gaze.

  “Oh, I’ve told him several times but, as you say, he’s inflexible with a good dose of intractable thrown into the bargain. Once he makes up his mind, it’s made up. He still thinks he’s responsible somehow. I believe he finds it easier to accept that than to think he had no control over what happened. He’s not the kind of man who likes to relinquish control, is he? After all, while he won’t care for Ruby himself, he makes sure she’s cared for—and to his expectations. He’s still superprotective, isn’t he?”

  Alexis’s lips twisted into a rueful smile. “Yes, that he most definitely is.”

  “Bree was always the one thing he could never control. She would exasperate him something terrible at times.” Catherine laughed. “It used to puzzle me that they managed to work everything out between them—two people so different. I don’t think he’ll ever forgive her for keeping that information from him, though. He’s still angry at her. He’s not going to heal or move forward until he can let that go. Oh, I know he thinks he’s moving forward, especially with the development of his wines, but he’s just going through the motions. His heart’s not really in it.”

  Alexis pondered her visit with Catherine later that night as she lay in bed, the book she’d planned to read lying open in her lap. The older woman’s words about Raoul’s anger and his need for forgiveness weighed heavily on her heart. She understood what Catherine had said because, she’d painfully realized, it applied to her, too. She’d never thought about it until now but she’d been angry with Bree for a long time. Angry that she’d met Raoul first, angry that she found her happiness with him.

  It was petty and infantile but there it was. And she’d stupidly let those feelings get in the way of a long-standing friendship, one that had seen them through so many things together as they were growing up. So another part of her was angry with Bree for dying while things were still unsolved between them—for not giving Alexis a chance to come to peace with Bree’s marriage and renew their friendship.

  It occurred to her that while Raoul had to forgive Bree for not telling him the truth about her health, she in turn had to forgive herself for allowing her attraction to him to come between her and Bree, and for not moving past her issues before it was too late. Could she do that?

  It wasn’t as if she could appeal to Bree herself anymore for her forgiveness. Instead, she was doing all she could to care for Ruby, to try to ignite a relationship between father and daughter as she knew Bree would want. Was that enough?

  She was still turning the idea over in her head as Raoul came into the bedroom.

  “You look deep in thought,” Raoul said. “Problem?”

  “No, just thinking about things,” she hedged.

  She wished she had the strength to tell him about her feelings, even tell him about her pregnancy now—to pour out how she felt and to have him take her in his arms and tell her everything would be all right. It was a futile hope. He’d so effectively compartmentalized his life and locked his feelings away that she didn’t dare expose her vulnerability to him.

  She had to believe that he could love her back before she could declare her heart to him and, she realized, before she could tell him about their baby. Attraction was there—every night together was evidence of that—surely there had to be more to this for him than just a release of physical tension.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked as he began tugging his clothes off, distracting her with his movements.

  “Just something Catherine said,” she answered lightly.

  “Oh.” He paused in the act of pulling his sweater off and Alexis’s eyes were immediately drawn to the ridged plane of his stomach. “Is she ready to take Ruby back?”

  “Hardly!” Alexis remonstrated. A knot formed in her stomach. “Are you in such a hurry to get rid of me?”

  He finished shucking off his clothes and slid into bed beside her. “No,” he said, reaching over her to put her book on the bedside cabinet and pulling her into his arms. “Does this feel like I want to get rid of you?”

  His erection pressed demandingly against her and her body answered in kind, hunger for him spreading throughout in a slow, delicious wave. She forced a laugh, pressing her fears and doubts to the back of her mind and grabbing the moment, and him, with both hands.

  Their lovemaking was a feverish joining of bodies, as it so often was. As if each sought something from the other that only they could give. And yet, there was still that lingering sense of incompletion for Alexis as she searched for the emotional connection she so needed with the man in her arms.

  That it remained a one-way street struck home now more than ever before.

  Raoul fell asleep almost immediately afterward, but Alexis continued to stare at the ceiling in the darkened room, wondering just how much longer she could keep this up before she broke completely. She’d thought she had the strength to do this, to fight past his barricades, to wear them down and to fill his heart with her love. Had it all been nothing more than a pipe dream? It certainly felt like it.

  Twelve

  Raoul looked up from his breakfast to see Alexis coming down the hall. He was getting a late start on his day, something that he found himself doing more and more often recently. Sharing a little extra time with Alexis at this stage of the day was something he’d discovered he enjoyed. And he had to admit, watching Ruby’s antics as she ate her breakfast had been known to bring a smile or two to his face.

  Alexis came into the kitchen with Ruby, looking a little paler than usual—a worry mark scoring a line between her brows. He was so used to seeing her smile and being her relaxed and easygoing self that the sight of her like this rattled him. Raoul felt an unfamiliar tightness in his chest. Was she all right?

  “Good morning,” she said, popping Ruby in her high chair and doing up the harness that prevented her from climbing straight back out again. “I’m glad I caught you. I need to ask you a favor.”

  “A favor?” he asked, absently passing Ruby a small square of his toast, something that had become a part of their morning ritual.

  Aside from wanting him to spend more time with Ruby, Alexis didn’t usually ask him anything. He wondered what was on her mind. “What is it?” he asked, getting up from the table to rinse his dishes and put them in the dishwasher—and to position himself with his back to her, so she couldn’t see the worry he was certain was written all over his face.

  Alexis hesitated a little before speaking. “Look, I need to head out to an appointment this morning. I tried to see if Laura could have Ruby for me, or Catherine, but Catherine’s got plans for today already and Laura’s just texted me to say their household is down with a tummy bug so I can’t leave her there. Can you have Ruby for
a couple of hours for me?”

  A couple of hours without Alexis in calling distance? Without even Catherine to call upon if anything should go wrong? Icy water ran in his veins.

  He shook his head immediately. “No, I can’t. I’m sending out samples of last year’s vintage to restaurants around the country and I’ve got couriers coming and going all morning. I won’t be able to keep an eye on Ruby, as well.”

  It was true, he justified to himself. The risks to Ruby if she was down in the winery with him were untold. A moment’s inattention and she could get into serious mischief and his day was already too busy and structured to accommodate an active baby. Add to that the additional traffic that would be on the lane and the whole exercise would be a nightmare.

  Contrition stung at the back of his mind as he saw Alexis accept the news. The frown on her forehead deepened.

  “Okay, I’ll just work around her, then,” she said flatly.

  “Can you change your appointment? What is it, anyway?”

  She looked at him and for a moment he thought she looked scared. The urge to protect her from whatever the problem was filled him but was beaten back by the self-reproach he felt at not being willing to take Ruby for her.

  She gave him a shaky smile, one that didn’t quite reach her eyes. “No, don’t worry, it’s nothing important. I’ll work something out. Are you heading down to the winery office now?”

  “I’ll be in my study here for a short while, then I’ll go down to the winery.”

  She gave a little sigh. “I’ll see you later on today, then.”

  “Yeah, sure. I should be all done by three.”

  He left the kitchen and started down the hall but his steps slowed before he reached the study. Something wasn’t right. Alexis hadn’t been herself for days now. Possibly even a couple of weeks. At least since the day she’d been to see Catherine with Ruby. He cast his mind back. She’d been worried then about something Catherine had said. Obviously it was still playing on her. He made a mental note to pursue it with her this afternoon.