Wanting What She Can't Have

by Yvonne Lindsay

  From his study window he saw Alexis leave the house about a half hour later. She put Ruby in her car seat in the back of the car and buckled her in, just as she always did. Something wasn’t right, though. Alexis moved more slowly than usual, more carefully. He continued watching as she went around the back of the car and put the diaper bag in the trunk before walking around to the driver’s door.

  Something definitely wasn’t right. She leaned against the car, her hand to her stomach, then her legs collapsed beneath her.

  He was out of his chair and flying toward the front door before he saw her hit the driveway. She was already stirring when he reached her side.

  “Are you all right? What happened?” he demanded, his eyes roaming her pale features as her eyelids fluttered open.

  “I need to see the doctor, Raoul. Can you take me, please?”

  “I’ll call an ambulance.”

  He had his cell phone out in his hand, his thumb already poised over the emergency call button. A wave of sick fear swamped him, making his hand shake, along with an awful sense of déjà vu. The last time he’d felt this scared, this totally helpless, was when Bree had gone into labor with Ruby.

  Alexis’s hand closed over his. “No, the medical center in town. They’re expecting me—it’s the appointment I told you about. Please, just take me there.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Please, let’s just go.”

  He helped her up to her feet and shepherded her into the back of the car, with Ruby who was now beginning to fret.

  “Not now, Ruby,” he said sternly as he helped Alexis with her safety belt. “I need you to be good for me.”

  To his surprise, the baby stopped and popped her thumb in her mouth. Her big blue eyes stared straight at him. A tickle of relief that he wouldn’t have to deal with a crying baby on top of his concern for Alexis flickered on the periphery of his mind.

  “That’s a good girl,” he said absently before giving his sole attention to Alexis again. “Are you comfortable?”

  “Enough for now,” she answered weakly. “Can we go?”

  He closed her door and then got into the driver’s seat, adjusting the rearview mirror so he could keep an eye on her in back. Her face was still pale and her big brown eyes met his in the mirror. She looked frightened and identifying that look on her constantly cheerful and indomitable face terrified him.

  The drive to the clinic was short and Alexis was already struggling out of her seat even as he flew out of his to come and assist her. She waved him away.

  “Let me go, I’ll be all right getting in there. Just see to Ruby.”

  “She can wait, she’s safe where she is for now. Let me see you insi—”

  “No, Raoul!” Alexis’s voice was sharp. “You can’t just leave her in the car. I can manage for now.”

  Without waiting for him to reply she began walking slowly toward the entrance, disappearing between the front sliding doors as he fiddled with the baby car-seat buckle—cursing its efficacy until he had it loose—and lifted Ruby from her restraint. He ran with her to the building and straight to reception.

  “Alexis Fabrini, where is she?” he demanded when he reached the counter.

  The receptionist stared at him over the edge of her glasses. “And you are?”

  “Raoul Benoit,” he replied automatically.

  “Are you her next of kin?”

  Inwardly he groaned. He could see where this was going. They weren’t going to let him see her, or tell him anything. “No, I’m not. I’m her employer. She has no family locally.”

  “Then I’ll ask you to wait over there,” the receptionist said firmly, gesturing to the bank of chairs lined up in the waiting area.

  “I’d like to see her, be with her—”

  “She’s with the medical staff. I’m sure they’ll call you if necessary,” the woman placated. “There’s nothing you can do right now but be patient.”

  There was a sympathetic look in her eyes as if she understood his frustration, but he didn’t want her sympathy. He wanted Alexis. He wanted her well, not pale and trembling. Not sliding unconscious down the side of her car. That she hadn’t hit her head when she’d fallen was sheer luck, but why had she passed out in the first place? She must have known something was wrong to have made the appointment in the first place—had she expected this to happen? And, if she’d had a medical appointment today, why hadn’t she just been upfront and told him about it? They were lovers. They’d shared more with one another than most people. Knew each other intimately.

  But sitting here, confused and worried, he was struck with how little he truly knew. He didn’t know that she was unwell, or what she thought was wrong. Didn’t know how long she’d been worried about whatever it was, or why she hadn’t told him. And the more he thought about it, the more he realized how little of her thoughts she really shared with him. What were her hopes, her dreams for the future? Had he ever bothered to find out what they were? Had he ever taken the time to learn about her? What made her happiest, what made her sad? He knew for a fact that he made her angry with his reluctance to be a part of Ruby’s life.

  Ruby squirmed in his arms, wanting to be let down to play with a toy in the waiting area. He eyed it suspiciously. The wooden base looked clean enough but who was to say the roller coaster of colorful wooden beads was hygienic? Who knew what she’d catch if she played with it?

  “I don’t think so,” he murmured to the little girl, holding her firmly on his lap.

  Ruby squawked a protest.

  “It’s okay,” the receptionist said blandly from behind her desk. “I disinfected all the toys at the end of clinic last night. She’ll be fine.”

  Raoul still felt uncomfortable with the idea, but he nodded his acknowledgment and gingerly set Ruby on her feet. He followed her to the toy and sat on a chair beside it as the little girl squatted down and reached for the beads, picking them up and dropping them on the brightly colored wires that threaded through them.

  “Here,” Raoul said, getting down to her level. “I think you’re supposed to do this.”

  He demonstrated with one bead, guiding it along a wire as Ruby watched. But she was having none of it. She quite happily continued to do what she was doing. With a sigh, Raoul sat back on his chair, his eyes flicking every now and then to the corridor where he assumed Alexis had been taken. The waiting was interminable—the minutes stretching out to ten, twenty, thirty, then forty. The long wait was getting to Ruby also, it seemed, as she worked her way from interest in the bead roller coaster to every other toy in the waiting room. Finally, she brought a book to Raoul, making it clear what she wanted him to do.

  “Not now, Ruby. You read the book,” he stated, but the baby continued to vocalize her demand.

  Mindful of the risk of her cries disturbing the other people that were now coming into the waiting room, he lifted her onto his lap where, to his surprise, she settled quite happily and banged her hand on the book. He opened the cover and started to quietly read. When that book was done she squirmed back down and got another. And so passed the next painfully slow ten minutes until Ruby began to fidget and fuss again. Feeling at a total loss, he stood up with her and started to walk back and forward, rubbing her gently on her back as he’d seen Alexis do so many times before. But it seemed he didn’t have quite the knack he needed.

  He looked again down the corridor where the examination rooms were. Which one was Alexis in? he wondered. Was she okay? What on earth could be wrong with her that they had to keep her so long?

  Ruby’s fussing worked up a notch. Raoul felt helpless. He had no idea what to do.

  “Maybe she needs a bottle or a drink?” an elderly lady suggested from her perch on a seat near the door.

  Raoul remembered the diaper bag that Alexis had put in the trunk of the car. “Good idea,” he said with a grateful smile to the woman and headed out quickly to the car park.

  He unzipped the bag with a bit of difficulty and spied Ruby’s drink
bottle inside. The baby nearly tipped out of his arms as she reached for it. He grabbed her and secured her with one arm before passing her the bottle. He watched with relief as she jammed it into her mouth and began to drink. Slinging the bag over his shoulder, he closed the trunk and went back into the waiting room.

  Settled with Ruby in his lap again he kept an eye on the corridor. People came and went but there was still no sign of Alexis. Ruby began to grow heavier in his arms and he realized she was drifting off to sleep. He took the bottle from her weakening grip and popped it back in the bag and adjusted her slightly so she could lie more comfortably across his lap.

  He looked at her face as she slept, a face that was so familiar to him it made his heart ache to see Bree reflected there. But there was more than Bree in her features. There was Ruby’s own growing personality beginning to show, too. She felt so small in his hands, so precious. How on earth could he keep her safe for the whole of her life? How could he keep the bad things from happening to her, the disappointments, the setbacks?

  The responsibility was crushing. How did people cope? How did they balance love with care and obligation? He’d thought he and Bree had had the perfect mix of devotion and trust, until he’d found out that she’d kept the truth about her health from him. They’d promised one another to love and honor each other, to care for one another in sickness and in health. But she hadn’t honored his love for her when she’d withheld the risks of pregnancy from him. She hadn’t given him—them—a chance to face the obstacles together.

  The all-too-familiar mix of rage and defeat pummeled his gut. She’d left him with the child he’d so wanted, yet was now too scared to love. The sense of betrayal cut as deep today as it had when the medical team had rushed him from the delivery suite and when they’d eventually informed him of Bree’s death, despite all their efforts to prevent it. She’d taken a risk to have Ruby and she’d paid for it with her life. And he was angry. So very angry.

  He lifted his head and looked around the waiting room, reminding himself of where he was and why he was here. Again that infuriating and painfully familiar sense of helplessness seeped through him. Alexis was in a room in here somewhere and he had no idea why. He’d been shut out because he had chosen to shut her out of that part of his life, as well. If he’d tried to be more open with her, become a true lover to her, he’d be in there with her—holding her hand, supporting her. Being her partner.

  The idea resounded through his mind. Was he even ready to take that step with someone again? He examined his feelings for Alexis. Feelings he had tried to keep at bay, had tried to mask with desire and the purely physical side of being together. But he couldn’t deny it any longer. Alexis meant more to him than a convenient bed partner—way more.

  A sound from the corridor to the examination rooms caught his attention and he saw Alexis walking toward reception with a nurse at her side. He got to his feet, carefully so as not to disturb the sleeping child in his arms, and started toward her—catching the tail end of what the nurse was saying as he drew nearer.

  “The doctor will refer you through to Christchurch’s maternity services and you’ll need to take it easy for the next few days until the bleeding subsides. Oh, and no sex until it’s stopped completely.” The nurse put a comforting hand on Alexis’s arm. “Don’t worry too much, the ultrasound didn’t show up any abnormalities, but take care and don’t hesitate to call us if you have any concerns.”

  “Thank you, nurse,” Alexis said weakly, her face suddenly growing even more pale as she realized that Raoul was standing right there.

  He looked at her in shock, bile rising in his throat as he played the words he’d heard over in his mind. Bleeding? Ultrasound? Maternity services? Just what the hell were they talking about?

  Thirteen

  Alexis took one look at Raoul’s face and knew he’d overheard the nurse’s instructions. This was the last way she would have wanted for him to find out. She wished it could have been different. Wished he hadn’t had to bring her here at all, or wait for her, no doubt with questions piling up upon themselves as he did so.

  When she’d woken this morning and discovered she was bleeding, her first reaction had been complete panic. She’d rung the clinic and made an urgent appointment, then tried to find someone to care for Ruby. When that hadn’t worked out she knew she’d been pushing it to expect Raoul to look after the baby.

  Fainting at the side of the car hadn’t been her finest moment but it had achieved one thing right today, she realized as she flicked her gaze over the sleeping child in his arms. Raoul had clearly had to spend some quality time with his daughter.

  “Can we go?” she asked quietly. She wasn’t looking forward to the demands for an explanation that were certain to come once they were alone, but she needed to go home. She couldn’t avoid telling Raoul any longer and she certainly wasn’t about to do that here with the entire waiting room packed and all eyes now fixed on her and Raoul.

  Tension rolled off Raoul in waves as he negotiated the road back to the house. Alexis tried to make herself as small as possible in the passenger seat and focused her gaze out the side window but in her periphery she could see him turn his head and glance at her every now and then, as if he expected the answers to all the questions that no doubt rolled around in his head to suddenly appear neatly scripted on her face. She was glad he didn’t start questioning her in the car but she dreaded the moment that he would.

  At the house, she went to lift Ruby from her car seat—the wee tot was still out for it—but Raoul pushed her gently aside.

  “I’ll take her, you go and lie down,” he said gruffly, then competently lifted the baby from her seat and carried her down to her room.

  Alexis did as he’d told her, going back to the master suite and suddenly feeling very shaky on her feet—though she wasn’t particularly tired. Still, maybe if she could feign sleep, Raoul would leave her alone for a bit longer. She was out of luck. He was in the room in minutes.

  “Tell me,” he demanded as he came to stand beside the bed, looking down at her.

  She shrank into the bedcovers, hating what she had to say but knowing it would be useless to try to stall or evade. There was no putting this off any longer, no matter how much it hurt. Even forming the words in her head felt all wrong, but verbalizing them—putting them out there for Raoul to hear—that was crucifying.

  Alexis drew in a deep breath. “I had a threatened miscarriage.”

  She watched his face for his reaction, but could only discern a tightening of his jaw and the flick of a pulse at the base of his throat.

  “Threatened miscarriage. What exactly does that mean?”

  “I woke up this morning and noticed I was bleeding. The clinic told me to come straight in. They think it’ll stop, that...” She dragged in another breath. “That the baby will be okay.”

  “Baby.”

  His voice was cold and flat, much like the empty expression in his eyes.

  “Yes,” she acknowledged in a whisper.

  “And I’m assuming that I’m the father of this baby?”

  “Yes,” she said again, this time a little more firmly.

  Raoul huffed out a breath and dragged a hand through his hair. “Tell me, Alexis. At what point were you going to let me know about this?”

  “I...I don’t know.”

  “What? Did you think you could hide it from me?”

  “Not for long,” she admitted, curling up onto her side.

  He started to pace, back and forth, and when he stopped she knew what was coming.

  “You lied to me when you said you were protected even though you knew how I felt about something like this happening. Why?”

  “I thought I’d be okay, I’d only missed a couple of pills. I went to the pharmacy the next morning and got a morning-after prescription. I did everything I could to make sure this didn’t happen.”

  “And yet it did.”

  “Yes, it did.”

  “I shouldn’t have
trusted you. I shouldn’t have touched you. God, what are we going to do?”

  “Well, if the bleeding stops as it’s supposed to and everything settles down okay, we’re going to become parents together,” she said softly, trying to infuse her voice with enthusiasm and encouragement in the vain hope it might sink past his shock.

  He looked at her in horror.

  “If everything settles down? What are you saying—are you going to be okay?” he asked, his face suddenly pale.

  “The doctor wants to refer me to maternity services in Christchurch to be certain. I need to wait for an appointment.”

  “No, no waiting. I’ll get you in to see someone privately.”

  “I can’t afford that, Raoul,” she protested. “I don’t have full cover on my medical insurance.”

  “I’ll pay for it. I need to know what’s going on.” He diverted from his pacing path, seeming to head to the door—most likely to make the necessary calls to doctors right away.

  “Raoul, please, believe me when I say I didn’t want this to happen,” she whispered before he could leave.

  He closed his eyes and shook his head and she saw his throat move as he swallowed.

  “Neither did I, Alexis. Neither did I. Try to get some rest. I’ll see to Ruby when she wakes.”

  He took the mobile monitor that Alexis kept at her bedside and clipped it to his belt.

  “But what about the couriers? I thought you had a busy day ahead.”

  “I do, but I’ll just have to work around it, won’t I?”

  Tears of frustration pricked at the back of her eyes but she refused to let them go.

  “Raoul,” she said as he moved once more to leave the room. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Me, too.”

  She stared at the door as he closed it behind him, her heart aching for what she was putting him through. She’d seen the abject terror in his eyes this morning, followed later by shock when he’d overheard the nurse talking to her at the clinic.