Wanting What She Can't Have

by Yvonne Lindsay

  She had to pull herself together, even if only long enough to say her goodbyes to Ruby. Whether Raoul would be there when she left was something else she’d have to face with her backbone straight and her shoulders squared. Part of her wanted to see him one last time, to draw this entire episode to a natural close, but there was another part of her that hoped he’d make himself scarce so she wouldn’t have to face the pain of looking into his eyes and seeing nothing reflected back at her but relief that she was leaving.

  Logically she knew they’d have to have some sort of ongoing contact, especially after the birth. He’d already made it clear he would financially support her. While that was probably the least she ought to be expecting from him, for her that was the lowest denominator in this complicated equation. She simply wanted him. All of him. Not just a no-strings lover.

  She drew in a shuddering breath and then another until she felt as if she had herself under control. Taking a last look around the room, she pulled the suitcase off the bed and stood it up on its wheels. Could she do this? Could she really walk away from Raoul and Ruby and never look back?

  Only time would tell.

  Feeling as if her heart was breaking a little more with each step, she slung her handbag over her shoulder and, wheeling her suitcase behind her, left the room.

  Jenny was in the hallway with Ruby in her arms. The instant Ruby saw Alexis she clamored to be let down and raced toward Alexis the instant her feet touched the ground. Alexis bent down and scooped the little girl in her arms, burying her face in Ruby’s neck and inhaling that special, fresh, soft baby smell that was so precious. Three months, she’d cared for her, but it had only taken about three seconds to fall in love.

  The pain in Alexis’s chest sharpened as she whispered a goodbye to Ruby and handed her back to Jenny.

  “Well, I’d better be off, then. If I’ve left anything behind, perhaps you could send it on to me? Catherine has my address.”

  “Don’t worry, Raoul told me family matters have drawn you away. Thanks for helping so much this past week. It’s made taking over that much easier.”

  “I aim to please,” Alexis answered with a bitter twist to her mouth. She looked around but couldn’t see Raoul anywhere. “I thought I’d better say goodbye to Raoul, is he around?”

  “Oh, he had to go down to the winery. Something about a truck coming to pick up some cases of wine, I think.”

  So, it was to be like that between them.

  “I see,” she said.

  But she didn’t see at all. Had their time together meant so little to him that he couldn’t even give her the courtesy of a farewell face-to-face? She swallowed against the lump in her throat and grabbed at the handle of her suitcase.

  “Well, I’d better be on my way, then. I’ve got quite a drive ahead of me.”

  She wasn’t kidding. From Akaroa all the way to her home was going to take at least five and a half hours of solid driving. She only hoped she had the energy to cope with it.

  Jenny followed her out to the car and helped her lift her case into the trunk.

  “Thanks,” Alexis managed through lips that felt numb.

  In fact her whole body had taken on an emptiness that made her feel as if this wasn’t really happening to her. It was better, at least, than the pain she’d felt a short while ago, she told herself. She slipped into the driver’s seat and tried to summon a cheerful smile and a wave for Jenny and Ruby who stood on the driveway, waving goodbye.

  Alexis drove on autopilot, the numbness that had mercifully invaded her body fading away as each kilometer flew under her tires. By the time she reached the outskirts of Christchurch she was crying again, great hiccupping sobs that made it impossible to see, let alone drive safely. She pulled over to the side of the road and grabbed her cell phone, calling the only person who had ever been there constantly for her all her life. The one person she’d been putting off calling.

  “Daddy?” she said, through tears that threatened to close her throat. “I’m coming home.”

  * * *

  “I’ll bloody destroy him,” Finn Gallagher growled malevolently. “No one treats my baby sister that way.”

  He and Tamsyn had met Lorenzo all set to drive down to Christchurch to collect Alexis. As he was so upset himself, they had worried that it wouldn’t be safe for him to drive and had offered instead to fly to Christchurch to drive Alexis home themselves. Their timing meant they’d missed the only direct flight of the day but even with the detour to Wellington it was still faster than driving. Now they were ensconced in a hotel room having something to eat before they hit the road together.

  “It’s not all his fault, Finn. I went into it with my eyes wide-open,” Alexis said as rationally as she could manage.

  “Don’t you dare condone his behavior. What he’s done to you is unspeakably wrong,” Finn replied, seething with suppressed fury.

  “Finn, ask yourself this, how would you feel if it was you and Tamsyn, if she’d kept something from you that meant the difference between living the rest of your lives together or losing her forever? And then the next person you trusted also kept something from you?”

  Tamsyn rose from where she’d been sitting and curved an arm around her husband’s waist. “This isn’t helping, Finn. Alexis needs our support, not your censure.”

  “I’m not angry at her,” he protested, but his wife’s touch seemed to have a soothing effect on his temper. “I just can’t stand to see Alexis hurt like this.”

  “I know,” Tamsyn said gently. “Neither of us can. Our job is to be there for her as and when she needs us. She’s a big girl and she’s made her own choices.”

  “Yes, I have, and I’m strong enough to stand on my own two feet. Well, once I’ve got myself back together again, anyway,” Alexis said ruefully, remembering only too well the wreck she’d been when Tamsyn and Finn had met her here in the hotel. “I’m so glad you came, thank you so much.”

  Her voice wobbled and her eyes filled with tears yet again. Instantly she felt the warmth of Tamsyn’s arms close around her in a comforting hug.

  “I’m s-sorry, I just can’t seem to stop.”

  “Should we even travel tonight?” Finn asked. “Maybe it’d be better if we stayed the night and left in the morning.”

  “No, I want to go home. I need to.”

  “Sure you do,” Tamsyn said, smoothing Alexis’s hair from her face with a gentle hand. “And that’s exactly what we’ll do.”

  It was early evening when they finally got in Alexis’s car to drive north. Exhausted, she lay down in the back and was soon asleep. By the time they arrived at her father’s cottage it had been dark for hours. All the lights inside the cottage were blazing, their golden glow a flame of welcome. She sat up, rubbing at her bleary eyes, and was hit with a huge sense of relief when she saw her father’s silhouette backlit by the veranda lights. Then, he was at her door and within seconds she was in his arms, listening to his voice murmuring endearments in his native Italian tongue.

  Finally she was home, safe in her father’s arms. As he led her into the house and to her bedroom, Tamsyn and Finn following with her suitcase, she wondered if Ruby would ever have the chance to feel that deep sense of security with Raoul.

  * * *

  Raoul flicked the collar of his jacket up and pulled his beanie down lower on his head. The weather had turned bitter cold. Or maybe it just seemed that way since Alexis had left four weeks, three days and two hours ago. He could count the minutes, too, but that had proven to be a fast track to Crazyville.

  God, he missed her. It went beyond the physical. As much as he’d tried to ignore it and push her away, he missed what she’d come to mean to him. It had been difficult from the first to adjust to no longer sharing her bed after he found out about the pregnancy. He’d assumed that her permanent absence would make things more comfortable for him, ease the longing he felt for her touch. But the longing had become much worse, instead—now there was so much more of her to miss. Not ju
st her body but her laugh, the sound of her voice. The warmth she brought to his life.

  The house just didn’t feel the same, didn’t feel like a home. Ruby had become more irritable than she’d been under Alexis’s care and he found himself watching over Jenny with the baby more and more often, hardly wanting to trust her with the child.

  As a result, Ruby had begun to turn to him when he was in the house—complaining loudly if he didn’t pay her the attention she obviously felt she was due. He felt the bond between him and his daughter growing stronger every day. And this time, he didn’t try to fight it.

  Somehow the little tyke had wrapped him right around her little finger, and now she had a hold on his heart that terrified him and thrilled him in equal proportions. He found himself looking forward more and more to spending time with her each day, and to reading her bedtime stories at night—because one was never enough.

  When she’d caught a cold from one of the other children at the play center, he’d been the one who’d sat up with her in a steam-filled bathroom at night as she’d coughed and spluttered herself back to sleep. He’d been the one to take her to the doctor every day until the doctor himself had told him—in the nicest way possible—that Ruby really, truly was going to be okay and to stop wasting their time.

  He began to have a new appreciation for what Alexis had done in caring for her, and how she’d managed it all on her own. Realizing that had highlighted his own inadequacies as a father, and as a man. How he’d thought he could hide in his work and relegate his responsibilities to others—that it was enough to simply provide, but not to participate. How he’d made himself believe that if he stayed away, if he just threw enough money at a problem, that it would miraculously go away.

  He’d been such a fool.

  And that’s what had led him here today, to Bree’s final resting place. He laid the bunch of yellow roses, her favorite, at the base of her headstone and knelt beside her grave. The ground felt cold, so cold—as cold as his heart had been for far too long.

  For quite a while he said nothing, remaining still, listening to the birds in the trees around him. He’d avoided coming here since the day they’d buried her. He’d told himself it didn’t matter—that the Bree he’d known and loved had gone, she wasn’t here anymore. But when he’d known he needed to talk to her, really talk, one last time, it had only been natural to do it here.

  A cool wind worked its way around him, sliding under his collar and tickling around his ears. He shivered. He’d been compelled to come here—as if he couldn’t move forward again until he’d done this. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

  Any other time he’d have thought it verging on the ridiculous, needing to talk out loud to a headstone, but today nothing else had ever felt so right.

  “Hi, Bree, it’s me.” He huffed a self-deprecatory laugh. As if it would be anyone else. “I know I should have been here more often, and probably brought Ruby, too, but I was so angry at you, Bree, so bloody mad I couldn’t even think straight anymore.”

  Exasperation, fury, helplessness—they all flooded through him all over again. “What the hell were you thinking not telling me about the aneurysm? How could you have kept that from me? I wanted a family, but I wanted you more. Why couldn’t you tell me about the risks?”

  The cold air whipped around him more sharply and he pulled the collar of his jacket closed around his throat. He stayed like that for a while, not daring to speak for the emotion that built up inside him like a volcano about to blow. He closed his eyes and when he opened his mouth again, he talked instead about the first thing that came to mind. Ruby. Bit by bit, he felt the roiling emotions inside him begin to subside.

  “Our daughter’s beautiful, Bree. You would love her. She’s just like you. From her hair to her eyes—all the way through to her ability to get her own way.”

  He felt a reluctant smile pull at his lips and he opened his eyes again. “Especially the latter,” he added.

  “I’ve let you both down, though. I’ve been so wrapped in my own anger at you, at the whole damn world, and in my fear of getting hurt again that I failed Ruby as a father. But you should know that she’s fine. She’s wonderful. Catherine’s done a great job with her so far, and Alexis. Certainly a far better job than me.

  “I felt so bad when Alexis arrived. She awakened something in me that I didn’t want to feel again. That I’d promised myself I would never feel again.” His voice trailed off as a thought occurred to him. “But you sent her to me, didn’t you? And me, the fool that I am, I sent her away.

  “She tried, Bree, she tried to break me out—to make me be myself again, to live my life again, but the anger and the fear held me back.”

  He dragged in another breath and let it go, noticing as he did so that his heart began to feel lighter. The darkness that had held him in its grip for so long was receding and with it came acceptance for Bree’s decision. She’d been willing to risk everything for him and for the dreams they’d woven together, come what may. He’d thought he’d known love, understood it, but he’d known and understood nothing at all. Somewhere, he had to find the courage Bree had had. The courage to risk everything, to love absolutely, all over again.

  “I’m sorry I never understood you well enough, Bree, and I’m sorry I’ve been so stupidly angry with you for all this time—especially because I let it rob so much of your love from me. Thank you for our daughter,” he said roughly, bowing his head and closing his eyes. “Thank you for the all-too-few years you and I had together. I will always love you and you will always have a special piece of my heart.”

  He got to his feet again, his movements stiff, and paused a moment to reflect on the woman his late wife had been before turning away from her grave and, he hoped, toward his future.

  Sixteen

  You’re doing the right thing.

  The memory of Catherine’s words when he’d told her his plans was gently encouraging to Raoul as his car ate up the kilometers. Oh, of course he still had doubts. All he knew for sure was that he had to find out. There was something missing from his life. More particularly, someone. When he’d told Catherine he was going after Alexis, her first comment had been a simple “About time.” But it was the hug she’d given him when he’d left Ruby with her this morning, on Jenny’s day off, that had given him the most comfort. That and her words that he was doing what was right.

  For so long he’d done the wrong thing, so long it had become habit, easier to slide into that than doing what he ought to have done all along. It didn’t negate the seriousness of how he’d treated Alexis, or how he’d summarily dismissed her. He hadn’t even had the courage to face her as she’d left, instead hiding in his work as he’d hidden from everything else this past year. Digging himself into things he could quantify and control, knowns versus unknowns.

  But he was diving into the unknown now, in a headlong free fall. She was worth the risk.

  As he left Christchurch and drove north, cruising through Kaiapoi and Rangiora and then further afield to Kaikoura he wondered what the hell he’d been thinking to send Alexis on this journey on her own. He hadn’t been thinking, though, that was the problem. Certainly not about anyone but his selfish and self-centered self.

  That was all going to change. If Alexis let him.

  As he passed through Kaikoura he realized he had about an hour and a half to his destination. Logically he knew he should take a break but now that he was on the road, nearing Alexis with every revolution of his tires, he couldn’t bring himself to stop.

  He wondered how Ruby was doing. She’d been distraught when he’d left, almost moving him to tears over the way she’d kept reaching for him from her perch in Catherine’s arms. He’d had to pull over after ten minutes on the road and call Catherine to make sure she was okay—which, of course, she was.

  On the phone Catherine had assured him it was perfectly normal behavior for a one-year-old, in fact for any child who was attached to their parent, and that he should ta
ke heart from the fact that Ruby so obviously loved him. Even so, it had done little to alleviate the feelings of guilt he bore for putting his daughter through such a harrowing scene. It made him think about the things Alexis had said to him, about him needing to be a constant in Ruby’s life. Well, she had that now, but he owed it to her to give her more. With any luck, after this journey, she’d have what she deserved. A father and a mother—and a brother or sister soon, too.

  * * *

  A weariness that can only come from long-distance driving pulled at his muscles as he drove slowly along the road Catherine had given him as Alexis’s address. She’d warned him the driveway was hard to find and she hadn’t been wrong; he was almost past the shrub-surrounded entrance before he realized it. Braking heavily, he turned off the road and into the driveway.

  His heart began to hammer in his chest and nerves clutched at his stomach. Should he have called ahead? What if she refused to see him?

  “A fine time to be thinking about this now,” he said under his breath as he traveled up the lane and pulled to a halt outside a quaint turn-of-the-twentieth-century cottage. The skies opened as Raoul got out of the car, releasing a deluge of bone-chilling rain that forced him to run toward the wide covered veranda out front.

  Even though he’d run, he was wet through when he got to the front door. He dragged a hand through his hair, skimming off the excess of water that threatened to drip in his eyes and down his face. He caught sight of his reflection in one of the front windows. Drowned rat. Not exactly the best foot to be putting forward when hoping to appeal to the woman you loved, he thought. Still, there was nothing else for it but to push forward.

  He stepped up to the door and knocked. Inside, he heard steps coming toward him and he braced himself, both fearing seeing Alexis again and yet yearning for her so strongly that it was almost his undoing. His throat clogged with all the words he wanted to say but he was forced to swallow them back as the door swung open to reveal an older man with gray hair and the type of tan and deep lines on his face that spoke of a lifetime in the outdoors.