Wanting What She Can't Have

by Yvonne Lindsay

  Ruby had stopped playing and had gotten to her feet and walked over to her grandmother who happily lifted her onto her lap.

  “The sad thing is, he doesn’t even realize what he’s been missing out on. Or maybe he didn’t, until you came along.”

  “Whatever good I might have done has been destroyed now,” Alexis said ruefully.

  “Maybe, maybe not. I think he needs a bit of time to come to terms with things.”

  “Well, if, as you say, he’s looking for a new nanny, then my time is definitely running out.”

  Catherine gave Ruby a kiss and popped her back on the floor. “Don’t give up, Alexis. If he’s worth fighting for, then you have to fight.”

  She left soon after that, promising to call by again the next day. As Alexis and Ruby waved her off at the front door Alexis weighed Catherine’s words in her mind. Could she do it? Could she fight for Raoul? Would he even let her?

  * * *

  He hated to admit it, but he missed being with Alexis. That said, he’d made up his mind. She had to go.

  Obviously that left him with a problem. Catherine wasn’t fit enough yet to take Ruby back on full-time so he had to find someone who would fill in for the short term.

  In the meantime, he kept a surreptitious eye on Alexis. Watching like a hawk for telltale signs that she was overdoing things. He hated the thought of her leaving and yet he couldn’t wait for her to be gone—for things to go back to the way they were before she arrived here. He tried to tell himself, over and over, that he’d be able to forget her, to put her from his heart and his mind. He only hoped it was true. He never even let himself think about the child—his child. Their child.

  Raoul walked into the house and braced himself. Today he would tell her that she had to go as soon as he’d found a replacement. He wasn’t looking forward to it. He went to his bathroom and turned on the shower, then stripped off his clothes and dived under the hot stinging spray. It had been cold out in the vineyard today where he’d begun cane pruning the vines. The work was slow but methodical and had unfortunately allowed him far too much time to think.

  He closed his eyes and dropped his head to take the full brunt of the shower stream, blindly reaching for a bottle of shampoo. The instant he opened it he knew he’d taken the wrong one—his senses immediately filled with that fresh floral scent he always identified with Alexis. His body felt an unwelcome stirring of desire, his flesh growing semihard. He snapped the lid closed and threw the bottle to the bottom of the shower with a clatter.

  She was everywhere. In his thoughts, in his dreams, in his bathroom. He finished his shower as quickly as possible. Determined to get facing her and telling her what he’d done over with as quickly and as painlessly as possible.

  He could hear her in the kitchen with Ruby as he made his way down the hall and through the house. Could hear the love in her voice as she coaxed the little girl into eating her vegetables. It made something twist inside him, but he forged on.

  “Hi,” she said matter-of-factly as he entered the kitchen.

  Ruby squealed her delight at seeing him, banging on her tray with a spoon. From the look of her, she’d been attempting to feed herself, and not very successfully if the mush all over her face and hair was anything to go by.

  “I need to talk to you tonight. When’s a good time?”

  “What? You need to make an appointment to speak with me now?” Alexis’s eyes looked bruised underneath, as if she was sleeping just as poorly as he was himself.

  “I’d prefer to have your full attention. It’s important,” he said stiffly.

  “If it’s about hiring a new nanny, don’t worry. Catherine already told me yesterday. So, have you found someone?”

  She caught him on a back foot. “There have already been a few applicants.”

  “That’s good,” she replied, rinsing a muslin cloth at the kitchen sink and then coming over to wipe Ruby’s face and hands before giving her a couple of slices of apple to occupy herself with. “I’ve been thinking, out of fairness to Ruby, it might be best if we have a two-week transitional period with both me and the new nanny here.”

  “You do?”

  “It makes sense, don’t you think? It wouldn’t be good for the new nanny or Ruby if my leaving disrupted her too much. She’s more aware of strangers now than she was when I arrived, less open to trust them.”

  “Right.”

  “Ruby’s going to need you more, too.”

  “More?” God, he needed to stop with the monosyllabic replies.

  “Of course, you’ll be her touchstone. Her constant. She needs stability.”

  “She’s going back to Catherine’s soon.”

  “Yes, I know. Catherine said. Are you seriously going to do that? Send her back to her grandmother?”

  “Of course. She can’t stay here.”

  Alexis looked at him fair and square. “Why not?”

  “Because it’s not feasible, that’s why not.”

  Saying the words caused a sharp hitch in his breathing. He’d mulled it over time and time again. As much as he was bonding with Ruby every day, he had to take a giant step back. It was the only way to stop the chance of being hurt.

  “If she has a nanny, or even a rotation of nannies together with Catherine, I don’t see why you have to turf her out of her home.”

  “I...”

  The words he was going to say dried on his tongue. He’d been about to refute that it was Ruby’s home but as he looked around him and saw the detritus that she spread about the place every day, he found he couldn’t bring himself to utter the words. Nor could he honestly say he didn’t want her here anymore. Sure, the idea of being solely responsible for her care still scared him witless, but for as long as she had a reliable nanny, or rotation of nannies as Alexis had suggested, then maybe it could work out.

  He tried to think of what it would be like not to see her cherubic face each morning or hear her chant “Dad-dad” as she did whenever she saw him. Even the mere thought of it made him feel empty, lost.

  “Raoul?” Alexis prompted.

  “I’ll think about it. We’ll have to see what the job applicants are like first.”

  She gave him a weak smile. “Well, that’s progress, I guess.”

  Raoul continued to stand there, feeling at a loose end as she competently moved around the kitchen, putting the finishing touches to their evening meal and tending to Ruby.

  “How are you doing...since Monday?” he asked awkwardly.

  “Everything’s settled down,” she replied, keeping her back to him, but he saw her face reflected in the kitchen window and noticed how she hesitated over her task.

  “When do you see the doctor again?”

  “I had an appointment in four weeks’ time but if I’m leaving then I think I’ll see someone when I get home.”

  “I’ll pay for your medical expenses, Alexis, and for the...baby, when it comes.”

  “I’ll call you if I need help,” she said, her words clipped.

  “I mean it. I will stand up to my responsibilities toward him or her.”

  She made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a snort. “Except for the ones that really matter, right?”

  He felt a flush of humiliation stain his cheeks. “I said it before, Alexis. You ask too much.”

  “Do I? When I, Ruby, everyone in your life, basically, is prepared to give you everything in return? Is it too much to ask you to love us, to care?”

  His hands clenched into fists at his sides. He felt his short fingernails biting into his palms and he relished the pain. It was the distraction he needed to remind himself not to reach out for her, to drag her to him and to show her exactly how much he felt for her. A fine tremor rippled through him.

  “I’ve said what I wanted to say. Don’t wait dinner for me. I’ll eat later.”

  * * *

  Alexis watched him leave the room. A view she seemed to have a whole lot of lately. She’d been an idiot to think she could win thi
s tug of love with him. It had been destined for failure from the beginning. She deserved more than that, and so did he—so why on earth couldn’t he see that? Why wouldn’t he grab what he was offered with both hands and run with it?

  It made her heart ache to think he’d chosen to remove himself from love, that he was so broken that he couldn’t try again. No, it was more that he wouldn’t try again. It was a conscious choice. She just couldn’t understand why anyone would choose loneliness and solitude over love.

  Over the next few days she watched as a handful of selected applicants arrived at the house for interviews with Raoul. Each time, he’d ask Alexis to bring Ruby in to the meetings to introduce her to her potential carer. Some introductions had gone okay, some not so much. When Raoul told her at the end of the week that he’d made a suitable appointment and that the woman would be starting the following Monday, Alexis’s heart sank. Her time here now was limited. Soon, she’d have to leave and the very idea just broke her heart.

  The only bright light in the darkness was planning Ruby’s first birthday party next week. Catherine had suggested they hold the celebration at the play center since it was already designed to cater to a big group of small children and everyone who she would have been inviting went there anyway.

  Raoul, though, was adamant he wouldn’t go.

  “No,” he said emphatically when Alexis invited him.

  “But it’s Ruby’s birthday,” she implored.

  “She won’t know the difference.”

  Alexis rolled her eyes. “That’s not the point.”

  “It’s also the anniversary of Bree’s death, have you stopped to think about that?”

  “Of course I have,” she argued back. It seemed they always ended up arguing these days and it was taking a toll. “But you can’t punish Ruby for that for the rest of her life. Are you going to deny her a celebration every year because you lost Bree that day, too? Can’t you grasp what you have for once, rejoice in it instead of holding on to what you’ve lost?”

  “I said no. That’s the end of it.”

  It was like talking to a brick wall. He’d distanced himself so effectively she had no idea of how to get through to him anymore.

  The following two weeks passed in a blur. The new nanny, Jenny, was wonderfully competent. She’d just returned to the area after working for a family up in Wellington who had a job transfer to overseas. She hadn’t wanted to go with them, preferring to stay in New Zealand, so the position with Ruby was perfect timing for her.

  Alexis hadn’t wanted to like the other woman and had, in what she recognized as a ridiculously petty way, resented how easily she’d taken over Ruby’s care and how quickly Ruby seemed to bond with her. Each day Jenny took over more and more of Alexis’s duties, and Catherine, too, agreed the other woman seemed to be working out really well.

  With less time with Ruby herself, Alexis had more time to think about nursery preparations for when she got home, and even time to get back to her designs. She’d played a little with some sketches in the past couple of weeks, a few ideas for herself mostly, and her hands itched to see how the ideas would come to life in her preferred range of hand-dyed natural fabrics. She’d never imagined designing a maternity range of clothes before, especially not for the high-end fashion boutiques her work usually showcased in. Now she was getting excited about the idea.

  Besides, she reminded herself, she’d need something to distract her once she left. This was going to be one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do. The second hardest was going to be telling her dad about her pregnancy. He’d be disappointed in her, she knew it, but the prospect of new life would help lift him from his grief and give them something they could look forward to together.

  Alexis had toyed with the idea of phoning him with the news, or sending him an email, but she knew this was the kind of thing she’d have to tell him face-to-face. At least, she consoled herself, moving back to her father’s home meant that she’d be nearer to Tamsyn, her half sister, and Tamsyn’s husband, Finn, her father’s business partner and the man who’d been like a big brother to her growing up. She could almost begin to tell herself she was looking forward to it.

  “Wow, are those your sketches?” Jenny asked as she came into the kitchen where Alexis was working at the table. “You’re good.”

  “Thanks. I’m thinking of expanding into maternity wear. These drawings are just ideas for now.”

  “So, you’re a designer, not a nanny?”

  “Both, really. I trained and worked as a nanny after I finished school. The designing has come in the past few years and I spent most of the previous year, before I came here to help out Raoul, in Europe, traveling and looking for inspiration.”

  Help out Raoul. The words sounded so simple, so uncomplicated. Nothing at all like the tangled web of unhappiness and adversity it had turned into.

  Jenny picked up one sheet and then another. “So is that why you’re leaving? To get back to your work?”

  Alexis looked up as Raoul entered the kitchen and helped himself to a coffee from the carafe on the warmer.

  “We’ve imposed on her for long enough,” Raoul said before she could say a word. “It’s time she returned to her own life.”

  But this was the life she wanted. This life, with him, with Ruby. She could work from anywhere when it came to her designing, and goodness knew there was plenty of space here for her to establish a workroom. But he didn’t want her, not like that, not as a partner, not as a piece of his heart. And that was where her dreams began and ended.

  Clearly sensing the undercurrent that crackled between Raoul and Alexis, Jenny made a vague excuse about checking on some laundry and left, leaving the two of them staring at one another. Expelling a breath of frustration, Alexis gathered up her things and got up from the table.

  “So have you warned the new girl off falling for the boss?” she said, determined to provoke Raoul in one way or another.

  “Low blow, Alexis.”

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have insulted her like that. I’m sure Jenny has far more sense. She’s very well trained, and she is good with Ruby.”

  “Yes, I think Ruby will be quite safe with her.”

  “Safe, Raoul? Safe? Is that all you can think about? What about loved? Don’t you think that’s equally as important in her life? Weren’t you loved as a child, weren’t your parents there for you every step of the way? Of course they were because that’s what real parents are. They’re the people who are always there for you—not the ones who just pass the buck on to someone else.”

  “That’s rich, coming from a nanny. Without parents ‘passing the buck’ as you call it, nannies wouldn’t even be needed.”

  She groaned, fed up to her back teeth with his bullheadedness. “At least every family I’ve worked for before has openly loved their children. Has included them in their lives when they haven’t been tied to work.”

  “Enough!” He made a slashing movement with his hand as if he could just cut her off as effectively as he’d cut off his own feelings. “Stop pushing me, Alexis. Ruby has settled with Jenny, who has proven she’s competent and knows what to do. Catherine is at hand if she needs any advice or help. You can leave today. I’ll pay you through to the end of this month and you will hear from my lawyers regarding support for you and—”

  “Today? You want me to leave today? But I still have another week.”

  Alexis sat down abruptly in one of the kitchen chairs, feeling as if all the breath had been knocked out of her. She looked at him, taking in his features and committing them to memory. The curl in his brown hair that had begun to grow overlong since she’d been here. The flecks of gold in his hazel eyes. The breadth of his shoulders and the lean strength of his body. All of it so achingly familiar, all of it so completely out of bounds. It was impossible to reconcile the lover who had filled her nights with pleasure with this cold shell of a man who stood before her, seemingly determined to never see her again.

  “I d
on’t need you anymore,” Raoul said.

  “And that’s the trouble,” she whispered. “You never did.”

  Fifteen

  He didn’t need her anymore. The words echoed round and round in her head as she pulled herself to her feet, gathered her drawings and staggered from the room. Alexis tried not to hear them when she returned to the master suite and began haphazardly throwing her clothing onto the bed as she picked the drawers of the tallboy clean. Tears streamed unchecked down her cheeks.

  Alexis had thought the pain of saying goodbye to her mother had been hard enough, followed soon after by discovering Bree had gone, too. But this was something else entirely. This was raw and sharp and jagged and sliced at her insides with unrelenting strikes. He didn’t need her, didn’t want her, didn’t love her. Each fact hurt as much as the other.

  She went to the walk-in wardrobe to retrieve her case. As soon as she opened the door she felt a sense of Bree, as if she’d only stepped out for a minute and would be back any moment. The soft hint of her floral fragrance teased at Alexis’s nostrils, reminding her of the kind of woman Bree had been. A woman so loved, so missed, that her husband wouldn’t take a chance on love again. She couldn’t compete with that. It was an impossible task. Her love simply hadn’t been enough to bridge that breach.

  “I failed, Bree,” she said softly through her tears. “I thought I could do it, that with enough time, enough patience and enough love that I could bring him back, but I failed. I’m sorry, my friend. Sorry for everything, but especially sorry for letting my feelings for Raoul get between you and me.”

  In the distance she heard Ruby wake from her nap and Raoul’s deep tones murmuring to her as he tended to the little girl.

  “But he’s doing more with Ruby, getting closer to her and learning how to be a father—at least I achieved that much, if nothing else.”

  Her voice cracked on the last words and she wheeled her case from the wardrobe and closed the door behind her. Closing it on so much more than a half-empty closet. Lifting the suitcase onto the bed, she shoved her things inside together with her toiletries, reaching every now and then for a tissue to wipe her face and blow her nose with.