Critical Failures VI (Caverns and Creatures Book 6)

by Robert Bevan

  Yeah. I really stuck it to –

  She barely felt herself hit the floor.

  Chapter 41

  The trip back down the mountain was a lot more easygoing than the trip up it had been. Of course it's easier going downhill than up, but the box was a lot lighter as well. Those Regeneration potions the Sombali Chief Shaman had cooked up ain't weighed near as much as all that dried beef and stale bread had done. Randy would have been happy to carry the box by himself if everyone else in the group didn't need to hold onto it to get through the fog.

  Under Captain Longfellow's guidance, they made it back to the ships, then out of the Shoals of Mist. No one questioned the captain on how he managed to navigate his way through, and he didn't volunteer any such information. He was a fair man, and took only as many of the Sombali people's potions as he needed in exchange for the goods he'd brought them. Less scrupulous folk might have taken them for all they could, and committed additional atrocities upon the people. Taking that into consideration, Randy could understand the captain's reluctance to reveal his navigational secrets.

  Now that they had sailed successfully back out of the fog, and them who'd lost arms and legs had now grown them back, everybody was in pretty good spirits.

  “Maybe now's a good time to let them know where we're going next,” said Katherine, who'd just sneaked up from behind.

  Randy scanned Nightwind's rear deck, taking in all the happy sailors admiring their new limbs like freshly opened Christmas presents. “I reckon it's good a time as any.”

  Katherine took his arm with both hands just above the elbow. He was just a little creeped out. When he looked her way, she was looking back at him with big puppy dog eyes.

  “Would you mind?”

  Aw shit. This was awkward. His high Charisma score had gotten the better of her. She'd been through so much. He didn't want to throw rejection in her face right after she lost her brother, especially when it could be argued that he was partly to blame, on account of it was his basilisk who'd eaten him. On the other hand, he didn't want to toy with her affections by leading her on.

  “You realize I'm of a different... persuasion, right?”

  Katherine's brow furrowed, and she shoved his arm away like it was covered in roaches. “Jesus, Randy! I mean, would you mind telling the crew that we're setting a course for Nazere?”

  Randy sighed and wiped the sweat off his forehead.

  Katherine continued to glare at him. “You don't have to look so relieved.”

  “I'm sorry. It ain't you. It's...” He judged by her raised eyebrows it was best not to finish that sentence. “Why I gotta tell them?”

  “Because they're more likely to listen to you than they are to me.”

  “But you're their captain.”

  “And you're my... um... press secretary.”

  This was news to Randy. “Since when?”

  “Since now. Listen, Randy. You're a natural leader. Remember you had those twelve apos–”

  “Please don't bring that up,” said Randy. “It makes me uncomfortable. Anyway, those guys believed in me because they saw me perform fantastic miracles. Now I'm just the same as any ol' low-level paladin.”

  “You're also very handsome.”

  Their boundaries had been set, and he knew she was just using flattery to get him to do what she wanted, but he also knew that she was objectively correct as he was in his current form, and accepted the compliment as gracefully as he knew how. “Thank you for saying so.”

  “And rumor has it that a lot of these guys are –”

  “Stop right there,” said Randy. He shook his head at her. “So there it is. You think they'll listen to me because they're all a bunch of queers?”

  Katherine shrugged uncomfortably. “Well...”

  “They ain't jingling one another's bells on account of them being gay. It's a lonely life at sea, and oftentimes people will just take what they can get. And from what I've seen, folks is a lot less uptight in this world about sexuality in general than they is back home.”

  “Yeah, but –”

  “It ain't like the captain put an ad out for Queers Only. I reckon the ratio here is the same as anywhere, meaning most of them would likely be more persuaded by a woman.”

  “This is still a heavily patriarchal society,” said Katherine. “Just because they might prefer to bone me doesn't mean they're more likely to listen to me telling them to sail to a dangerous place.”

  Randy knew Katherine wanted to shove this responsibility on him, and had expected her to keep pushing the gay thing. Her last argument took him by surprise. She actually had a pretty good point there. If he wasn't personally invested in their mission, he probably wouldn't be too keen to follow her orders. Not because she was a woman so much, but because she clearly had less experience at sea and poorer judgment than even the late Captain Martinoli.

  “Fine. I'll do it.”

  Katherine gave him an encouraging punch in the arm. “Attaboy! Shiver those timbers, me hearty. Ahoy and avast!”

  Randy nodded. Katherine had been wise to delegate this responsibility to someone else. In fact, it would probably be for the best if she never addressed her crew directly.

  He climbed up to the swivel mounted ballista, as that's where he had the best view of the most people. It was unloaded, and he kept his hands clear of it to make sure he didn't come off as threatening at all.

  “Excuse me!” he called out to the crew. He got a couple of glances, but didn't hold them for long. “Crew of Nightwind, may I please have your attention?” That didn't get him anywhere. He sighed, then tried again. “AHOY AND AVAST!”

  The crew quieted and stared up at him.

  “Thank you,” said Randy. “I ain't meant to culturally appropriate your way of life or nothin' by that.”

  “I don't know what you're talking about,” said one of the burliest-looking half-elves Randy had seen in this world.

  “Yeah, Randy,” said Denise. “What the fuck are you on about now?”

  “I just needed your attention is all.”

  Denise grinned. “You gonna dance for us?” The rest of the crew laughed. Some of them looked hopeful.

  Randy shook his head. “No, it ain't nothin' like that. I have a few announcements to make.”

  “Don't nobody want to hear whose nuts you been suckin' on.” said Denise. She took a swig from a bottle the men were passing around.

  “That ain't the nature of what I mean to announce. Also, you shouldn't be drinking.” Before Denise could respond, Randy quickly moved to the announcements. “First, our captain, Miss Katherine, has named me her new press secretary.”

  “What's a press secretary?” asked the burly half-elf.

  Randy remembered that 'the press' probably wasn't a thing in this world. He wasn't sure, but the actual printing press probably hadn't even been invented here yet.

  “That means I speak on her behalf.”

  “Why?” The half-elf nodded toward Katherine. “She's right there.”

  “She's, um... shy.” It was as good an answer as any. Well, that probably wasn't true at all, but he'd already said it. Moving along. “Second, I think we can all agree that a show of gratitude to Captain Longfellow of the Maiden's Voyage is in order.”

  The response to that was mixed. On one hand, he'd given them back their limbs. But on the other hand, he and his crew had taken their limbs to begin with. But he got a few claps from those who were grateful to once again have two hands to clap with. Captain Longfellow, who was listening from his own ship's rear deck, bowed gracefully.

  “It's with a heavy heart,” Randy continued, realizing he might be laying it on a little thick, “that I inform you that Nightwind and the Maiden's Voyage will shortly be parting ways.” He paused to allow his crew to express any emotions they might have, but no one seemed to care. That made sense enough, considering how the relationship between the two ships began. “As soon as we transfer our basilisk from his ship to ours, Captain Longfellow shall con
tinue south to Bharan, and we on Nightwind shall set sail for the island of Nazere.”

  “Nazere?” cried Attal.

  “Basilisk?” said a bronze-skinned human, stroking a forearm that was considerably cleaner than the rest of his body. No doubt one of the men who'd benefited from a Regeneration potion. “Is that what ate Captain Martinoli? Why would you have a basilisk aboard your ship?”

  “They're mad!” shouted another sailor.

  “I'll swim back to the Shoals of Mist before I sail for Nazere!” said yet another. “What good is it to have two working hands if they're only going to be used for slave labor in the mithril mines?”

  “Come on, guys!” said Katherine. “You promised you'd sail with me to the next port.”

  Attal frowned at her. “We had no idea you were insane when we made that agreement. What business have you in Nazere?”

  “I have to steal the gem from the Ice Queen's staff to save –” The end of her sentence was drowned out in laughter. Even Attal laughed, and he didn't seem the sort that was easily amused.

  “You, a little girl too shy to address the crew of her own ship, wish to steal from the Ice Queen.”

  She looked to Captain Longfellow. He wasn't laughing, but he shrugged as if to say, “Don't say I didn't warn ye.”

  Katherine turned back to her crew with a determined look on her face. “I need that gem to save my brother.”

  “Then your brother is damned,” said Attal. “And you will be captured and imprisoned. The Ice Queen will drain your soul until it is all gone.”

  “So she's, like, a vampire?” asked Randy.

  “Even worse. A vampire will take your life and turn you into one of its kind, but at least you will continue to know who you are. The Ice Queen is very much alive. She is patient and sinister. Her methods will slowly drive you mad until you forget your true selves and think of yourselves as only tools for her greater glorification.”

  “So she's more like a cult leader then?” asked Katherine.

  Attal nodded. “Some men escaped the island in the early years of her reign, before the ice spread too wide. They were picked up by passing ships and returned to families that barely recognized them. None were the same men as when they were captured. Many struggled with a desire to return and beg the Ice Queen to let them spend the rest of their lives in the mines.”

  Katherine looked pleadingly at Randy, her new press secretary.

  There wasn't much he could think of to persuade them. Tim wasn't their problem. But he'd give it his best shot. He turned to Attal. “Did you ever meet any of these people?”

  Attal shook his head. “This was before my time. It is common knowledge among sailors.”

  “If there's one thing I know about cult leaders, they know how to spread the kinds of rumors that keep normal folks at bay while they gather the strength of their loyal followers. It's possible these people you heard about was completely made up, and it's also possible that they were her most loyal followers, sent out to spread fear of the island.”

  Some of the sailors seemed to be considering the theories that Randy was pulling out of his ass.

  “A third possibility,” said Attal, “is that the stories are true, and I have no interest in finding out firsthand.” He turned to Katherine. “Whatever ails your brother, you have my condolences. But he is not my concern.”

  As much as Randy hated to admit it, Attal was right. He stood close to Katherine and whispered. “It ain't right to force these men to come with us if they don't want to go.”

  After a long moment of silence, she sighed, then addressed her crew. “Won't any of you come with us?”

  The sailors grumbled to themselves and looked down at the deck.

  “Most of us have families as well,” said the burly half-elf.

  “You've got at least five yourself in various ports,” said the man next to him. The rest of the crew laughed.

  The half-elf shrugged. “Those are the ones I know of. The point is, we can't go throwing our lives away for your brother. We all have people who depend on us as well.”

  They'd made as good an effort as they could have hoped for, but Katherine hung her head in defeat. After taking a deep breath, she raised it again. “I can't afford to waste anymore time, and it doesn't look like I'd be able to find a crew who's willing to join me at any port. If Captain Longfellow will have you, those who wish to sail to Bharan are free to board his ship.” She looked at Captain Longfellow, biting her lower lip, like she was hoping he'd refuse them.

  Captain Longfellow nodded. “Sorry, Captain. It be not my place to condemn these men to join ye on this fool's errand.”

  The crew formed a line on either side of the rear deck, giving Basil plenty of room in the middle. Two-by-two, they climbed from Nightwind to the Maiden's Voyage.

  “And where the fuck do you think you're going?” Katherine's tone was as sharp as any of the crewmen's scimitars.

  Randy followed her gaze and spotted Denise in one of the lines.

  Denise tried to pretend she didn't realize she was the one being addressed, but everyone was staring at her now.

  “What? I don't give no more of a shit about your brother than any of the rest of these people.”

  That was probably the wrong thing to say, especially considering –

  “That was obvious when you tried to rape him,” said Katherine.

  The sailors all exchanged awkward looks, like they didn't want to suddenly be privy to whatever messed-up drama Katherine, her brother, and this dwarf woman had going on.

  “Jesus Christ, woman,” said Denise. “How many times you gonna play the You tried to rape my brother card? The rest of these folks done tried to kill you. I don't see you givin' them no shit about owing you nothin' for it.”

  “And where were you when all that was going on?” said Katherine. “Hiding in your cabin, forcing some poor giant man to rape you.”

  The murmurs grew louder.

  “Did I hear that right?”

  “I don't understand.”

  “What does that even mean?”

  Hagarf dropped to his knees on the rear deck of the Maiden's Voyage and started sobbing. “It's true! It's all true! It was horrible. She wouldn't let me stop, even when she was vomiting.”

  Randy could tell by the looks on their faces that, in all the time they'd spent at sea and in less-than-reputable port towns, this was the most twisted and depraved sexual encounter many of these men had ever born witness to. He imagined it was difficult to tell such tales as to make a pirate uncomfortable, but Denise had an effect on people.

  “To be fair,” said Randy, trying to mitigate some of the repulsion, “she was vomiting on account of she's pregnant with scorpionfolk.” As soon as he said it aloud, he realized it might have the opposite effect of what he'd been going for.

  “Goddammit, Randy!” said Denise as the men closest to her inched toward Basil. “Don't nobody want to put their dick where it might get pinched by a fuckin' scorpion monster baby!”

  “I'm sorry! I was only trying to help is all.”

  “Ye good folk seem to have many an unresolved issue between ye,” said Captain Longfellow. “Mayhap it be for the best that ye continue on yer journey together.” To the captain's credit, that was as polite a way to say I don't want that freak aboard my ship as Randy could imagine.

  “Aw, shit.” Denise glared at Randy as he stepped out of the line.

  Nightwind's crewmen began changing ships more quickly and efficiently. When the last of them climbed aboard the Maiden's Voyage, and they began untying the ropes holding the two ships together, a thought suddenly occurred to Randy.

  “Wait!” he cried.

  Captain Longfellow let out an impatient sigh. “What be the problem now?”

  “Don't none of us know nothin' about sailing. Could one of you maybe give us a quick rundown on how all this stuff works before you go?”

  Chapter 42

  Cooper had already done as thorough a search for Nabi as cou
ld be done, but he kept searching anyway. Anything to keep his eyes and attention away from Julian's fucked-up bird pulling out the satyr's eyeballs. He felt bad for the poor goaty bastard, but starving Ravenus wasn't going to bring him back.

  “What kind of goblins were those?” said Chaz. “Aren't goblins supposed to be dagger-fodder for Level 1 parties? They came in like a goddamn Navy SEAL team.”

  Even Chaz's whining was preferable to Ravenus's slurping, so Cooper went to the bother of talking to him.

  “There's no rule that says goblins can't level up.”

  “Do you think they're working for the Dark Lord?”

  Cooper shrugged. “They're probably just working for themselves.”

  “No way. Nobody wanders around with net shooters and explosive powder bags unless they have a very specific reason for doing so. They were hunting pixies to take in alive.” Chaz scratched the back of his neck. “But for what purpose?”

  “Maybe they wanted someone to jerk them off,” Cooper proposed.

  Chaz glared at him. “I didn't ask for that. She just reached down in there and went for it.”

  Giving Chaz shit about getting a handjob from a pixie should have been more fun, but Cooper just wasn't feeling it. He plucked a goblin arrow out of a nearby tree and considered how he might go about rescuing Nabi.

  “Those sons of bitches!” said Chaz. Now that Ravenus had moved on to the old man, Chaz was rooting around in the satyr's belongings. He shook his head at Cooper. “Those scavenging assholes took Zanzifurl's pipes.”

  That seemed a little judgmental on his part. “Don't you know that because you were looking to do exactly the same thing?”

  “That's different,” said Chaz. “I'm a bard. My powers come from music. For any of them, it's just a toy or souvenir. I don't know what class they are, but they certainly didn't look like bards to me.”

  “The way they snuck up on us like that, I'd guess rogues. But damn if they weren't effective. I've always viewed rogues as slightly less useless than bards and monks.”

  Chaz tossed the satyr's bag away and stood up. “So,” he said in a tone suggesting that he was going to follow it with something delicate. “I guess we're going to head back to the Whore's Head now?”