Critical Failures VI (Caverns and Creatures Book 6)

by Robert Bevan

  “Fuck no,” said Cooper. “I've got to get Nabi back.”

  “Come on, man! We're in the middle of a haunted forest. I've had most of my Strength drained out of me by fucking ghosts, we're not at full Hit Points, there's an elite team of goblin assassins out here, all of our allies are either dead or captured, and we don't have any fucking weapons!”

  “Here's a weapon for you,” said Cooper. He turned his ass toward Chaz and farted.

  Chaz nodded. “That's fucking wonderful. I feel so much better about following your lead now.”

  “If Crybaby Bitch was a character class, you'd be a god by now.”

  “I'm tired of being in constant danger. I want to sit down and relax without worrying about getting shot or having my soul drained. I want a cold beer and a warm meal. Do you realize the only time I've eaten in the past twenty-four hours is when Ravenus threw up in my mouth?”

  “What the fuck, dude? Are you exclusively attracted to creatures with wings?”

  “What?” said Chaz. “How do you make something erotic out of what I just said?”

  Cooper raised his hands defensively. “Hey, man. I was just trying not to judge.”

  “I don't want to talk about this anymore. Do you have any idea how to go about getting your stupid axe back beyond just walking up to the goblins who tried to murder us and getting shot properly dead before you can ask them to please give it back?”

  “You're giving these guys too much credit,” said Cooper. “Yeah, they're kind of badass when they've got time to plan and prepare, and take their enemies by surprise in a coordinated effort. But get one alone and unprepared, and he'll most likely be just as shitty as you.”

  Chaz sighed. “Thanks.”

  “I figure we can grab one of them while he's out taking a shit.” A bonus thought occurred to Cooper. “Then we can also take his weapon.”

  “Absolutely brilliant,” said Chaz. Cooper couldn't be sure, but he thought it sounded sarcastic. “And how do you propose we go about finding the goblins?”

  Cooper scanned the ground around him. There were leaves and dirt and roots and sticks, but he didn't see anything that looked like footprints. “Do you have any tracking skills or feats?”

  “I don't think so. Is that something you have to declare that you're trying to do?”

  “Fuck if I know, but I guess it's worth a shot.” Cooper stared at the ground more intensely. “Track!”

  “Do you feel any trackier?” asked Chaz.

  Cooper shook his head. “Maybe you should try it.”

  Chaz rolled his eyes and stared at the ground. “Track. Find footprints. I track thee. Look for signs of –”

  “Jesus, dude. Knock it off. You sound like a fucking retard.”

  “I was just doing what you told me to do.”

  “And I'm borderline retarded. So shut the fuck up and check this out.” Cooper pointed to a thin rut in the dirt.

  Chaz squatted and peered at the ground where Cooper was pointing. “What am I supposed to be looking at?”

  Cooper got closer and pointed directly at the rut. “See this little groove in the dirt?”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “It's Nabi.”

  “Bullshit. That could be anything. Hell, it could have been from the sled for all we know.”

  “I'm telling you, it's –”

  “Think about it,” said Chaz. “Who carries an axe with the blade dragging on the ground behind them?”

  Cooper grinned. “Nobody!”

  Chaz narrowed his eyes at Cooper. “I asked a question, the correct answer to which should prove your theory to be as stupid as it is. You answered the question correctly, and yet you have a look of triumph on your face. Why do I feel like I'm missing something?”

  “That's how I know it's Nabi. She gets inside the head of whoever's holding her. She can be very persuasive when she wants to be.”

  Chaz's face turned pale. “Shit, I think you might be right.”

  “Seriously?” Those weren't words Cooper was used to hearing.

  “I was thinking about it earlier. These goblins seem like they're pretty good at what they do, but it was kind of sloppy to not confirm that we were dead. But if their leader picked up your axe, it could have told him something like... I don't know...”

  “They're dead enough,” suggested Cooper, remembering Nabi's voice in his head. “You got what you came for. There's no time to waste. Wow, this axe is heavy for a goblin rogue. You should probably drag it behind you.”

  “Shit,” said Chaz. “Now we owe her.”

  The trail wasn't always easy to follow, and they moved slowly. In places where the ground was thick with dead leaves, finding the groove in the dirt was next to impossible. Each time Cooper picked the trail back up, it was less defined, and he was less certain that his whole axe-dragging theory wasn't complete horseshit. When they got to a deep bend in a wide creek, Cooper couldn't find anything he could even force himself to pretend was a trail on the other side.

  “We did our best,” Chaz finally said, sitting on a tree root with his bare feet in the cool running water.

  “I'm doing my best. You're sitting on your ass.”

  “You might have been right about the axe thing. But if those goblins are rogues, they probably take certain precautions against being followed. Following a stream for a while is a classic trail-killing strategy. If that's the way they travel, maybe Nabi couldn't persuade them out of it.”

  If that was true, picking up the trail was going to be really difficult. On dry ground, they at least had the guidance of a general direction to search in. The goblins could have gone either upstream or down, and for any distance, before coming out on the other side. Cooper had a brilliant idea.

  “Tell Ravenus to go look for them!”

  Chaz sighed. “I was wondering when you were going to suggest that.”

  Cooper could understand Chaz being a cowardly piece of shit, not volunteering that suggestion when it first occurred to him. It was the sigh that set him off. It wasn't bad enough that he was deliberately sabotaging Cooper's mission. He also had to rub Cooper's low Intelligence in his face on top of it.

  Cooper stomped through the water toward Chaz. “Come here, motherfucker! I'll rub my ass in your face!”

  “What? No!” Chaz scrambled to his feet, but he wouldn't be hard to catch with no shoes, barely any Strength, and a naturally lower Base Movement Speed.

  “You're going to look back fondly on the taste of bird puke when I'm done with you.”

  “Stop!” cried Chaz, his back up against the tree and his hands held up defensively. “I only meant that I'd considered that already, and it would only get Ravenus killed and alert the goblins to our presence.”

  Cooper stopped. “That sounds like bullshit, but I don't actually want your face in my ass, so I'm willing to listen.”

  Chaz sighed again, but this one was clearly relief. “Think about it. There aren't any birds left in this forest. A big black raven flying around is going to look delicious and conspicuous, and I think we can both agree that those goblins are pretty good shots.”

  He had a point. Cooper grunted and scratched his balls.

  “The more I think about it, the more I agree with you,” Chaz continued. “I'd rather get killed properly with arrows than have the rest of my life drained out by those ghost things, which is exactly what would happen if we tried to leave this forest without you wielding that axe. The best thing we can do right now is –”

  TWANG

  “Son of a bitch!” Chaz suddenly had an arrow sticking out from his chest, up near the shoulder. He looked up. “It's an ambush. They're in the trees!” He jumped into the pool at the bend in the stream and submerged himself underwater.

  Cooper was so distracted by Chaz's peculiar and seemingly ineffective survival instincts that he was startled when a goblin shrieked from above, then fell out of a tree, landing right on top of Chaz, clouding the water red from the gaping hole in its chest. Chaz's scream that bub
bled to the surface suggested that the goblin had landed specifically on his new arrow wound.

  A second goblin dangled right above Cooper's head, hanging onto Nabi's handle with both hands. Nabi's blade, dripping with blood, was hooked over the branch the dangling goblin had presumably just fallen off of. Nabi had to weigh at least a quarter of what the goblin did, which would make it difficult to wield effectively, especially when he was using both hands while up in a tree.

  Cooper grabbed the goblin tight around the ankle and gave a good hard yank.

  “Gwaaaa!” cried the goblin, but he held stubbornly onto Nabi's shaft.

  “Dude, you're not going to win this.” Cooper pulled down hard on the goblin's leg again, but he wouldn't let go. “I'm really angry!”

  “What the fuck is going on?” Chaz's voice barely registered as Cooper was overcome with his Barbarian Rage. “How did you –”

  The branch proved less determined than the goblin, cracking about a foot away from the trunk and knocking Chaz back into the water.

  Cooper grabbed Nabi by the shaft above the goblin's hands, then shouted as he pounded the goblin's head with his fist. “MY AXE, LET GO, FUCK YOU!”

  The goblin let go of the axe about the same time Chaz re-emerged from the water.

  “Cooper!” cried Chaz. “Stop! We should take one alive.”

  A satisfying jet of bubbles flowed out of Cooper's ass as the Rage within him calmed.

  A third goblin jumped down from a tree branch on the other side of the stream and ran away from them as fast as his legs would take him.

  He'll warn the others. Stop him!

  It was nice to have Nabi back, but not so much to have her barking orders at him when he was fatigued from coming out of his Barbarian Rage.

  As if placed there by the god of irony, two goblin bows, as well as an assortment of loose arrows, were floating in the water in front of Cooper and Chaz. They looked at each other, shrugged, and grabbed one of each.

  Two arrows in the back were enough to bring the fleeing goblin down.

  “We should use bows more often,” said Chaz.

  Cooper laid the goblin he'd beaten either to death or merely unconscious on the bank of the stream. “I don't know. It feels kind of lazy, like stabbing with a remote control.”

  “I'm absolutely fine with that.” Chaz scooped together all the arrows floating on the surface of the pool and relieved the certainly dead goblin of his quiver, as well as a small dagger.

  “Feel any better now that we're armed?” asked Cooper, not minding if it sounded a bit like gloating.

  Chaz nodded. “A little.” He grimaced as he plucked the arrow out of his chest, then exhaled. “A little more now.” He examined the tip. It was coated with his blood, but he deemed it still usable and stuffed it into his quiver with the others.

  I've learned much from Grelnik.

  “Who the fuck is Grelnik?” asked Cooper.

  Chaz shrugged. “I don't know anyone named Grel–”

  “Dude. Shut the fuck up. Can't you see I'm talking to someone?”

  Grelnick is the goblin who took me. He was the leader of the band who attacked you. The Dark Lord has promised them enchanted weapons in exchange for their protection while he gathers his power.

  “So he's, like, what? Working out?”

  The expression on Chaz's face asked what the fuck Cooper was talking about.

  He resides deep within Morning Glory Hole, collecting –

  Cooper snorted.

  Is something the matter?

  “Sorry. It's probably best that I share this information with Chaz.”

  Nabi agreed, and transmitted her thoughts slowly enough for Cooper to relay them aloud.

  “He resides deep within Morning Glory Hole.”

  Chaz snorted.

  “Dude, grow the fuck up.” Cooper listened, then continued. “He's collecting part of the life force from every living thing that the Dark Ones drain.”

  “Whoa,” said Chaz. “It's like a Ponzi scheme with souls.”

  “The power is delivered back to the Dark Lord through the interconnected roots of the trees.” Cooper raised Nabi. “We've got to chop down the forest!”

  No!

  Cooper lowered Nabi. “My bad,” he said to Chaz. “Scratch that last part. I was getting ahead of her.”

  Chaz rolled his eyes. “So what are we supposed to do?”

  Cooper listened and relayed. “Due to their magical nature, pixies make good candidates for trapping inside magical weapons. Nabi's friends will suffer the same fate she has if we don't rescue them before the Dark Lord finishes gathering his power and awakens.”

  Chaz bit his lower lip. “I'm curious about one thing. What the hell happened here? Why were these three goblins hanging back? How did they know we were coming?”

  “Because she told Grelnik we were following her.” Cooper thought about what he'd just said. “Wait, what?”

  I hoped it was true, but I couldn't be sure. I needed to exploit Grelnik's suspicions of Nezblat anyway. He suspected Nezblat of making advances on his mate. I... fanned those flames a bit.

  “That's some cold shit, Nabi,” said Cooper. “I like the way you roll.”

  If the worst had happened, and you had not returned to me, my only option would have been to continue sowing discord among the goblins and hoping they murdered each other.

  “What are you talking about?” asked Chaz.

  Cooper relayed Nabi's scheming in his own words.

  “Oh,” said Chaz. He laughed weakly. “Well I hope she doesn't pull the same move with us.”

  “Nabi says not to worry. Grelnik has a weak mind.”

  “Phew, what a relief.” Chaz didn't look relieved at all. “Perhaps we should get moving again. Get all that brute force and homicidal aggression nearer to the goblins.”

  “What should we do with Grelnik?” asked Cooper.

  “It sounds like Nabi pretty much grilled him for all the info he's good for. I say we just kill him.”

  If he's alive, you should bind him and take him with you. The Dark Lord has cast Wards of Protection on his goblin servants. The Dark Ones won't come within thirty feet of one while they live.

  “Sweet,” said Cooper.

  Chaz looked hopeful. “What is it?”

  “The goblins all have words of protection or some shit. It keeps the Dark Ones away so long as they're alive. See if you can find a pulse on – Goddammit, Ravenus!” Turning back to Grelnik, Cooper found Ravenus slurping back the optic nerve of his second eye.

  “No!” cried Chaz. He dived at Grelnik and shooed Ravenus away. He felt frantically for a pulse, then tried a few chest compressions, but soon gave up. Grelnik was gone. He shouted incomprehensibly at Ravenus, like Charlie Brown's teacher.

  Ravenus squawked something back at him.

  Chaz sighed. “He says we should keep him better informed. At any rate, we should be sure to take one of those goblins alive so that we can get out of here after this is done.”

  Yes. Keep as many goblins alive as you can. As much as I thirst for their blood, their Wards of Protection will be useful in flushing the Dark Ones out of hiding where they can be more easily dispatched.

  “We'll do our best,” said Cooper. He turned to Chaz. “Try to keep from killing the goblins if you can. Nabi wants to keep them.”

  “That's kind of fucked up,” said Chaz. “But you know what? I'm beyond giving a shit at this point. Where's this Glory Hole place?”

  Cooper listened to Nabi's instructions, then relayed them to Chaz. “It's about half a day's walk from here. She says the goblins are heavily encumbered with equipment and prisoners, and they're paranoid about being followed, so they're taking a roundabout way of getting there. If we make a beeline for it, we might beat them there.”

  “Awesome,” said Chaz. “And what then?”

  “I don't fucking know. Put our dicks in it or something.” Cooper paused for a moment to listen to Nabi. “Wait, no. Apparently, we're not suppo
sed to do that.”

  “Oh no?” said Chaz. “I can't believe the solution to our problem is something other than putting our dicks in it.”

  “I didn't name the fucking place.” Cooper listened a bit more. “Nabi says we might be able to find a place to hide and ambush the goblins. That will probably make more sense once we actually see what this place looks like.”

  Chapter 43

  Julian hated waking up not knowing where he was. He hated waking up in general now that it wasn't natural for him to be asleep in the first place, and the fact that he was sleeping probably meant some bad shit had gone down.

  He was surrounded by complete darkness, and his memory was foggy. There was the lamia, and a giant crocodile, and a quaint village full of dwarves. It was like some hazy messed up fairy tale. A surge of sudden hope ran through him, and he reached up for his ears.

  Shit.

  They were still freakishly long. He was still an elf, and the past few months of his life had not, in fact, been some booze-induced fever dream.

  “Stacy?” he whispered into the darkness.

  A reassuring snore came from nearby. That was her all right. Best to let her get her rest. He remembered Orgol and Grella's hospitality, and that bottle that Orgol had taken out of the hutch, but he only scarcely remembered drinking the stuff. That must have been what did him in. Stacy must have kept going, and then they carried him to the guest bedroom, which must be down in the cellar.

  While he appreciated the hospitality, they might do well to invest in some mats or something for next time they have guests. This cold rough stone floor wasn't very comfortable at all.

  While he had the wee hours of the morning to himself, it was a good time to prepare his spells for the day. Julian needed to get back to the Whore's Head Inn as quickly as possible in order to see if Ravenus had made it there, and he had no idea how far from Cardinia they were, so he filled all of his first-level slots with Mount spells. Web had served him well, and he didn't feel like thinking too hard about choosing anything else, so he filled his Level Two spell spots with that. He put the most thought into his Zero-Level spells, dividing his slots between Mage Hand, Detect Magic, and for his current circumstances, Light.