Sad Love

by Mj Fields

  Maggie hugged her, “Tessa I’m sorry about all this,” she looked at Lucas and shook her head, “She would have done anything for you Lucas. I’m sorry you’re going to miss out on that.”

  Maggie kissed Lucas on his head, her eyes were sad, and tears welled in them she started to leave.

  “Mom can he take a pain med, even though he has drank like a fish today?”

  “Give him a couple hours without alcohol,” Maggie walked out.

  She looked at him and his bottom lip was hanging lower than usual, and his jaw was twitching, his eyes full of tears. “You should leave.”

  She finished bandaging his hand and cleaning his face.

  “I am, tomorrow,” she walked away.

  “Don’t Tessa, please don’t,” his voice quivered.

  Jose, Miguel and Jessie walked in the house.

  “His hand hurts,” Tessa tried to explain away Lucas’s lack of composure.

  “My fucking heart is broken,” he yelled and walked up the stairs.

  Jessie started towards the stairs.

  “He doesn’t need you right now,” Jose said.

  “Who the fuck are you?”

  “His friend,” Jose hugged Tessa.

  Miguel and Jessie left.

  “What did I miss, Tessa?”

  “Lucas needs you.”

  "You need someone too girl," Jose held her tighter.

  “She’s got me,” Kendall smiled.

  “Your sister is going to marry me some day,” Jose grinned, and they both laughed.

  “You better wait,” Tessa said.

  He looked at Kendall, “For her, I’d wait forever.”

  Kendall blushed, and he walked upstairs.

  “What is that all about?” Tessa asked.

  “I don’t know, ask me in four years,” Kendall hugged Tessa.

  The girls cleaned up, and everyone left. Tessa walked in the house, and Lucas was standing with Jose.

  “You need a ride home?” Jose asked Kendall

  “Sure,” she hugged Tessa and Lucas, “Goodnight.”

  Tessa looked at Lucas, and he took a deep breath and he looked up at the ceiling.

  “This is it?” he said, and tears fell. “This is where I finally pay for all my sins huh, Tessa?”

  “Lucas don’t cry, please don’t cry.”

  “How do you do it? How do you look at me and feel like you owe me kindness at all? I’ve been horrible to you. I have broken every promise; I’ve said things to you that I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. You need to be a bitch Tessa, or I won’t get through this. God!” he said and sat down, “Fucking hate me.”

  “I don’t know how Lucas, but if that’s what you need me to be…. Alright, I can try,” he laughed.

  “You can try?” he laughed harder.

  “Well that’s not very nice,” she said, and he laughed and stood up and grabbed her face.

  “Answer me?” he yelled and she stepped back, “Sorry.”

  “Did you fuck Jenny?”

  “If I did, will you go bang half of the football team so I can hate you?”

  She looked at him and rolled her eyes.

  “Of course you can’t because you’re perfect,” he snapped.

  “You have said that a lot tonight, too bad it was never good enough!” He raised his hand to punch the wall, and she grabbed it, “Really-- both of them?”

  He grabbed her and hugged her “Damn it Tessa please give me something.”

  She stepped away and sat on the couch. “I gave you everything Lucas.”

  “Tell me how the fuck to get through this Tessa!”

  Do you love your parents, Lucas?”

  “Of course I do?”

  “Well to answer your question about how I do it, no matter what they have done to you, you still love them right? Well if you truly love someone, shouldn’t it be the same? I mean how do you stop? But things change. You and I are horrible together. I mean I know I’ve hurt you, and you know you’ve hurt me, and even after five years… it hasn’t changed. It never will. I want you to find someone who loves you anyways,” she started crying. “I want you to feel complete and not need more; I didn’t do that for you.”

  “Yes you did, Tessa,” he knelt before her.

  “No Lucas, or you wouldn’t have had to screw around when you and I had sex almost every day and the days we missed, we more than made up for. You didn’t need that. You know, honestly you know what you need: what makes you happy and what doesn’t. And if you don’t-- you need to figure it out so that someday you can be happy and not ever feel like this again.” She hugged him, “I will always love you anyways. I just need to love me more and this is killing me, and I can’t do it anymore.”

  “I love you Tessa, and I’m going to figure out whatever it is you need me to figure out, in order to someday have you forever,” he said wishfully.

  “Lucas it’s not about what you want for me, or what I want for you, it’s about what we need individually,” she said. “Maybe if we figure that out… we can both have happy lives someday.”

  “Are you going to be with Ben?”

  “No, Ben is happy and getting married,” she rubbed his head.

  “You don’t have to move out tomorrow Tessa,” Lucas looked up at her.

  “Yes I do,” she kissed him. “I can’t be around you.”

  “I love you,” he kissed her back.

  “Lucas, we can’t” she kissed him again.

  He lifted her up and carried her up to their bed and took his shirt off,

  “You’re so beautiful Lucas,” she covered her face hiding from herself, from him.

  He kissed her stomach, and she sat up.

  “We can’t…Lucas we can’t! Damn it!”

  Tessa stood up and walked into the spare room that she would spend this one last night in.

  She lay down and sobbed; he came in and sat on the end of the bed.

  “Will you at least let me hold you one last time?” he asked, “Please, Tessa.”

  She looked at him and shook her head yes. They fell asleep tangled in each other’s arms. She woke crying as he tried to calm her.

  “Lucas,” she hugged him.

  ~

  “Good morning, perfect,” he smiled.

  She sat up and stretched she was on top of him.

  “Sorry,” she stood up.

  He looked sad, “No other way I’d rather wake up.”

  Lucas walked into his room, “I can drive myself to the doctor’s.”

  “No, obviously you can’t,” she leaning out of the bathroom brushing her teeth.

  “You have a busy day planned don’t you?” he asked as she spit in the sink.

  “I can do some today and some tomorrow.”

  “Does that mean you’ll stay another night?” he said pulling her hair back as she rinsed.

  “Will you promise to take care of that?”

  “Yes, if you stay tonight,” he said looking at her bent over.

  “Lucas,” she turned around and glared at him.

  “If you love me, why is it wrong?” he asked seriously.

  “My who-who doesn’t love you, it desires you…a lot,” she laughed as she walked past him.

  “Wow Tessa,” he clenched is jaw as he followed her. “Hey… I was wondering if I could take you to dinner tonight.”

  “Really?” she laughed, “I think I’ve heard that line before.”

  “It worked,” he said softly.

  “Well…no.”

  “Can I take your who-who out to dinner?” He winked.

  “No, but there are others you can probably line up…” she stopped and looked at him, “Can we not do this? Please can we just not?”

  “Okay,” he said quietly.

  ~

  They went to the doctors and they did an x ray his bones were not healing correctly, and they wanted to re set it. Tessa knew it was going to hurt like crazy. She smiled softly at him.

  “It’s going to hurt isn’t it?”r />
  “Like hell,” she said quietly.

  “I deserved it,” he said, and the doctor walked back in.

  “Can he get something for the pain?”

  “Of course,” he answered. “Are you staying in here?”

  “Yes,” she said, “If he wants me to.”

  Lucas shook his head yes, “It’s fine.”

  He almost came off the table when they set his bones.

  “Holy Shit,” he yelled.

  “You okay?” she kissed his head.

  “No, that shit hurt,” he closed his eyes tightly.

  “You’re going to need to get a cast on that,” the doctor said.

  Tessa looked confused Lucas asked “Why?”

  “Apparently, he can’t let it heal,” he answered.

  “No, I can handle it,” Lucas said.

  “No, he can’t, the doctor is right Lucas you need a cast.”

  The doctor walked out, and Tessa laughed.

  “What?” he said.

  “Just wondering if that’s the hand you’d normally be using to take care of yourself,” she said laughing.

  He shook his head and looked away.

  “Oh you won’t, I forgot you can call all those dirty bitches.”

  “Tessa, let’s not do this here.”

  They left, and she quietly drove, “Do you need to stop anywhere?”

  “Probably not, I’m a little tired,” he said softly.

  They pulled in, and Chewy ran up to the Jeep.

  He looked out the window, “You’re taking him right?”

  “Maybe he could stay with you for awhile.”

  “No, I don’t want it to be like re-breaking a bone Tessa, one shot that’s it,” he got out and slammed the door.

  She walked quietly behind him; she knew she was in for either the silent treatment or a breakdown. She walked upstairs and sat on the bed trying to figure out what needed to be done first. She decided to wait until he fell asleep to take anything down. She desperately wanted to go sit with him and watch stupid sports replays and lay on his lap.

  He knocked lightly on the door, “Do you need help?”

  “No, thank you,” she said in barely a whisper.

  “Then what are you doing?” he asked and sat next to her.

  “Waiting for you to fall asleep,” she answered quietly.

  “Why, do you think that will make this any easier Tessa?”

  “Of course not,” she said. “Why did you do this to us, Lucas?”

  “I have no words Tessa, no reason, I just fucked up. I haven’t slept with anyone but you in over four years, and the four before that I had twelve. It doesn’t make it any better, but I’ve changed, because of you,” he let out a frustrated breath.

  “But… never mind, why don’t you go to sleep? You look tired.”

  “No, what do you want to say?”

  “Nothing because it seems incredibly selfish,” she said.

  “Just say it.”

  “Well I can’t see you go through this every four years or whatever. I don’t hate you Lucas, so why, no how could you want me to hurt. I mean if you felt half of the hurt I do and care half as much you wouldn’t want me to ever feel this way, ever.”

  He thought for a few moments, “Okay.”

  “What does that mean, please tell me,” she asked.

  “It means okay Tessa, I love you, and I did this so okay,” he looked at her, “I think I get it.”

  She looked down and took a deep breath, “So what do we do when we see each other?”

  His phone rang, and he got up and walked into the other room.

  “Hello…This is…Wow that’s great…Could you give me a week to decide...alright…thank you very much.” He hung up and smiled and shook his head.

  “Is everything alright?”

  “Not everything,” he said and looked at her, “They want me in San Francisco.”

  She hugged him, “That’s great Lucas, that’s exactly what you wanted.”

  He kissed her and held her close to him. She started to pull away, and he whispered, “Don’t please, let me just kiss you, just for a moment.”

  She did as he asked and it was sweet and soft, and she held onto his face and they kissed for longer than ever before, she hugged him.

  “I’m happy for you Lucas,” Tessa looked at him, “Smile.”

  He did, but it was a sad smile. He pulled her back to him and kissed her head. She rested her head against him and took a deep breath she looked up and he smirked.

  “Smell good?”

  “Always,” she laughed awkwardly.

  “Alright, I have a lot to think about,” he let go of her.

  She stepped back and turned around and hugged herself, “Like what?”

  “Like if I want to do this anymore,” he sat down.

  “What do you mean?” she asked and looked at him confused.

  “This game, football,” he ran his hands through his hair.

  “Lucas… this is what you love, this has been your life since I can remember,” she looked at him.

  “Yep and I fucked up everything in the process,” he looked at her. “Everything that mattered anyway.”

  He stood up and walked outside. He stood with his hand shoved in his pocket and Chewy walked up to him, wagging his tail. He squatted down and pet him as Chewy licked his face. He stood up and looked at the sun set.

  Why could I not have just been there--- just done this for him? She stayed in the bedroom and heard him call Jose. She went in and showered and got sweats and an SU sweatshirt on. She wished things had been different, but they wouldn’t be. Ever. She carried all of her bedroom stuff down and put it in the Jeep. She walked in, and he looked at her and closed his eyes. It was painful to watch.

  “Could you go to sleep? You need to rest.”

  “Tessa I am watching my world fall apart knowing that I did it all. I won’t sleep for a long time. I’m not going to stop you if you need help, you should call someone; I won’t run my mouth or talk about dead babies or fucking someone else. I will sit quietly and take exactly what I deserve.”

  She looked at him and carried out her mixer and her recipe books. She saw lights coming up the driveway. She walked back in.

  “I think you have company,” he looked annoyed.

  Jose walked in, “I was just in the neighborhood and thought I would stop by, Hey Tessa, I took your sister out to dinner.”

  “Behave with her or I will go all farm girl on you,” she as she walked out to the Jeep.

  “What’s up Links? You were talking stupid smack on the phone.”

  “No, Jose it’s not stupid, I can’t do it anymore, I can’t,” he stood up.

  “So all this has been for nothing man? No love of the game or the girl? You're messing up big time, Links.”

  “Thanks for that Jose I was not aware,” Lucas rolled his eyes.

  “You need to think, what are you going to do: sit here and do what? Make her and yourself miserable? That’s not fair to either one of you Links, come on man. You both deserve better, you made a very hurtful mistake, but that doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world, even though it feels like shit right now!”

  “All the right words man but tell me how. I just need to know FUCKING how!”

  “Give it space and time,” he said, “and forgive yourself, she already has look at her taking care of you.”

  “I know all about what I’ve lost. I was so fucking happy with this and her, but it just wasn’t enough.”

  He grabbed a hat and pulled it over his eyes.

  “Then what IS enough, Lucas? What will it take to truly make you happy? You have no idea, because as fucked up as life was… you never spent time just worrying about what Lucas needed. Now’s that time Lucas, use it wisely. Very rarely do we get second chances,” Jose looked at him, “Make a choice now, I need to know.”

  Tessa walked in she had heard everything but didn’t want them to know she had.

  "Lose the hat, Links
," she ran upstairs.

  “What was that all about?” Jose asked.

  “Tessa has a thing for white hats.”

  She came down with another box.

  “You got a thing for white hats Tessa? That’s not funny to a southern black man.”

  “Jose, you would look smoking hot in a white hat too,” she kissed his cheek and walked out.

  “Look at her trying to keep it together for you Links,” Jose shook his head.

  “I see it Jose, and it fucking kills me,” he grumbled.

  “Then what do you do?”

  “Jose just tell me what to do, I can’t even think,” Lucas snapped.

  “You go to San Fran, you’ll love your team mates,” he smiled.

  “How do you know? Maybe they’ll all be a bunch of uptight assholes,” Lucas rolled his eyes.

  “Make a decision Lucas: stay here and rot or go play and see what happens. If you hate it you come back home, but you need distance,” Jose said “She does too.”

  “Fine I will go.”

  Jose smiled, “Your lucky day man, I’m going too.”

  “No, shit?”

  “None,” Jose said.

  “Hey Baby-- Jose signed with San Fran,” she walked in he got up and picked her up and swung her around and kissed her, “Shit sorry.”

  “Congratulations Jose,” she hugged him and ran upstairs.

  ~

  “Tessa, may I come in?”

  “Yep,” she said and wiped her face in her pillow.

  “What did you hear?”

  “Everything,” she turned and smiled at him, “I’m happy for you.”

  “Tessa, I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, but you and Jose, I don’t know. I love you I know that. Is it the right thing to do Tessa?”

  “I think so,” she said looking down.

  “I selfishly have to ask you something Tessa.”

  “Please don’t Lucas. Please don’t” she cried.

  “Why? You can say no, whatever you want,” he rubbed her back.

  “Please don’t I am begging you please don’t ask me,” she cried into her knees and her body shook.

  “Okay I won’t. Tessa, please don’t cry,” he pulled her into him.

  She cried for a long time and stood up, “I’m going to miss you Lucas.”

  “Tessa come here please.”

  “This should have been done two weeks ago. Our break ups are freaking epic,” she wiped her face and laughed.