Sad Love

by Mj Fields

  “Sounds like fun,” she kissed him again.

  “No, Tessa real food,” he said. “You need to eat”

  She got fries and a veggie burger.

  “You’re eating vegetarian food now?”

  “I think I should” she said, “Have you ever seen the way I act during deer season? How long can I pull that off and still eat meat.”

  "Almost twenty two years so far," he laughed.

  “Don’t tell anyone I’ll never hear the end of it. I’m still going to eat chicken,” she laughed, ”Is that cheating?”

  “I won’t tell, and I don’t think so,” he smiled.

  Tessa saw Sadi and her boyfriend walk up.

  “We have company Lucas,” Tessa whispered.

  “Hello Lucas, hello Tessa how are you doing?” Sadi asked.

  “We’re great,” Tessa smiled.”How are you two doing?”

  “We’re great getting married and then there is this,” she pointed at her belly.

  “Wow,” Tessa smiled, “Congratulations! When are you due what are you having?”

  "A girl and in three months," she smiled. “How are you Lucas?”

  “Congratulations,” he said and shook both of their hands.

  “So when are you two getting married,” Sadi asked, “Soon right?”

  “Yeah," Lucas said, “Soon. We have to get going. I’m happy for you both. You ready Tessa?”

  “Sure,” Tessa looked at him.

  ~

  “Lucas, are you alright?” she squeezed his hand.

  “Yes, but I really don’t want to be here right now, too crowded. Can we go somewhere else, anywhere else?”

  “Yes of course.”

  He drove out of town, “Tessa will you stay with me tonight. I won’t try anything just stay with me please.”

  “Lucas , I don’t know…”

  “Please Tessa?” he asked. “I just want to hold you.”

  “Okay.”

  ~

  They walked in, and she looked around, it was clean and smelled like him.

  “You know you could stay here when I go if you want. You know where the key is. I didn’t move it.”

  “Thank you, I have Leia, she needs to get used to home. I’m going away for awhile at the end of the summer.”

  “Really? Where to?”

  She laughed, “I’m not sure, but I want to get away and spend some time with just me.”

  “Ok, you could come to California,” Lucas offered.

  “No thank you, I hate that place” she said quietly. “Are you okay with the Sadi thing?”

  “Yes I’m glad she is doing well,” he answered hesitantly.

  “But?”

  “She’s happy Tessa, I’m not. I lied and said we were getting married soon. I’m not a liar.”

  “It was hard for you, I understand don’t beat yourself up,” she grabbed the blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it around her.

  “Are you cold?”

  “A little, but I’m good now.”

  He ran up and grabbed her a sweatshirt.

  “Here,” he took the blanket.

  "Thank you," she said pulling it over her head. “Do you still have scrabble?”

  “I think so do you want to play?” he smiled

  She smiled back, “Sure, just not naughty scrabble.”

  They played and talked about absolutely nothing and everything at the same time. Tessa started dosing off partially because she was tired, but the alcohol didn’t help.

  “Are you ready for bed Tessa?”

  “No sorry I’ve just been working a lot and I’m tired, but I like this. I’m having fun talking to you,” she said softly.

  He smiled, “Me too.”

  Lucas got up and got her a drink and an ibuprofen. “Do you like your job?”

  “I like labor and delivery a lot. I do overtime in pediatric and that’s very sad.”

  “You’re good with people Tessa. I’m sure even though it’s hard those sick kids are happy to see you. Why are you working so much?”

  “I want to save money for when I go away.”

  “And you have no idea where you’re going?”

  “No,” she laughed” I’ll figure it out I’m sure. I’m probably going to sign with the traveling nurse team out of Syracuse so I’ll be able to go were I want to go when I want to. It’s more money, so I hope to be able to be home a lot.”

  “You’ve made a lot of plans haven’t you?” he asked sadly.

  “Yep it keeps me busy.”

  “And you're taking classes?”

  “Yes, towards my practitioner license.”

  “And why do you want that?”

  “So that when I have kids… because I want kids Lucas, I don’t want to work nights and weekends. I want to be able to coach their teams and make their games and hang out on weekends and camp and play and bake cookies” she laughed.

  "You are going to be a good Mom, Tessa," he said sadly.

  “That’s one thing I do know to be true,” she looked away from him.

  “I never doubted it. I just said I didn’t deserve it,” he said trying to ease any doubt she may have

  “You’re great with kids Lucas, and you’ll be a good daddy” she smiled doing the same for him. “I knew you would have been to ours if that had happened.”

  “But it didn’t,” Lucas sat back and pulled her feet on his lap.

  “Nope.”

  “Can we talk about something else?”

  “Yes,” she yawned.

  “Can we go upstairs before I have to carry you up?” he stood and laughed and grabbed her hand.

  She felt her head spin as he pulled her up.

  “Slow down,” she grabbed her head.

  “Dizzy?”

  “Just a little.”

  She walked into the bathroom and brushed her teeth with her finger and rinsed off her face. She pulled off the sweatshirt and dragged her bra off threw her sleeve. She walked out and laid down.

  He went in the bathroom and did the same and came out in his shorts. He laid behind her and pulled her into him and wrapped his arms around her. She held his hand to her heart, and he felt her shake.

  “Don’t be sad, tonight please,” he kissed her head.

  She tried to steady her breaths and finally did, “Sorry.”

  He rubbed her back and she started to fall asleep, she sat up.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “Yes, I just don’t want to fall asleep yet,” Tessa laid down and put her head on his chest and wrapped her arm around him.

  He rubbed her back and breathed in her scent. She knew what he was doing and rubbed his belly.

  “Does it smell alright?” She smiled up at him.

  “Perfect,” he said. “You won’t go to the airport tomorrow?”

  “Please don’t make me,” she said and he felt her quiver.

  “Okay,” he rubbed her back. “Are you going to be here when I wake up?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Will you please?”

  “Okay.”

  He kissed her and pulled her tighter to him. He didn’t try anything, and she was glad because this way she didn’t have to feel like she was betraying herself. But she wanted him badly, just one more time.

  She woke up as he quietly slipped out of bed. He answered his phone she couldn’t hear the conversation, and she really didn’t want too. He walked back in and laid down, and she rolled back onto him.

  “Did I wake you?”

  “Yes” she said softly.”What time is it?”

  “Ten o’clock,” He rubbed her back.

  “Is everything alright?”

  “Yes, do you want to know who it was?”

  “No,” she said.

  He chuckled, “It was my Dad, the four of them are going to come out to California next weekend.”

  “You don’t owe me an explanation, Lucas,” she started to cry.

  “Tessa you don’t have to act like you do
n’t care.”

  She sat up and walked into the bathroom and shut the door, she looked in the mirror, and she was doing the ugly cry. She sat on the floor and just allowed the tears to flow. She stood up and washed her face and tried to calm down.

  “Tessa are you, shit,” he said. “Can I come in?”

  “Give me another minute,” she went to the bathroom and washed her hands.

  She walked out he hugged her. She looked up at him and shook her head.

  “Please tell me what you’re thinking.”

  “No, I don’t know this just doesn’t feel real. I feel like someone knocked the wind out of me, and for the past few weeks I haven’t been able to breathe. I feel like sometime soon I’m going to wake up, and it’s going to be all better. And I think I’m scared to death that you are leaving me again, and I know this is not even close to ever being alright. I want to hate you I want to just know that tomorrow it’s all over,” she clung tightly to him and cried more. “I can’t see you without needing you to want me and need me, and when I feel like you do I get so angry at you for all of this. And I know it’s not all you. I need to move on, or I am going to rot. And in order to do that I need you to do the same. And Lucas I don’t want that either. Then you have her over here and get a fucking hand job at the fair and here I am pathetic, and I tell myself it’s for you and I know it’s for me to. What the fuck is wrong with both of us Lucas? This is insane. I hate who I am,” Tessa pulled away and ran down the stairs and outside.

  “Where are you going Tessa?” he asked following her.

  “Fucking crazy! Take me home or take me to bed,” she looked at him.

  He shook his head no, “Tessa, you don’t want that.”

  “Who else have you fucked Lucas, since we’ve been together, I want to know everything right now?! Who you fucked you has sucked your dick, who you have touched. I want to know since the day you told me you loved me who you have been with in any way shape or form.”

  “You know everything Tessa, we don’t need to go through this again,” he looked down.

  “You’re lying,” she laughed as she continued to cry.

  “Tessa what is that conversation going to prove? You’re done, we’re done, you want kids, I don’t. I want you to want me and nothing else that’s not enough for you. You have never been like anyone else has been I love you, but it’s not going to work. What do you want to do now?” he yelled.

  She grabbed his face, “You're leaving something out Lucas and I deserve to know! You have had unprotected sex with me for years whoever you’ve had sex with intercourse or otherwise is my problem. You have made them my problem. I deserve to know!”

  “All you need to know is I have never gone down on anyone but you and that I have only not used condoms with two people you and Sadi. Now I’ll take you home. Thanks for nothing. This was supposed to be a good night for us, fucking closure Tessa!” he pulled away from her.

  “You have a problem,” she walked down the driveway.

  He grabbed her arm “Get in the fucking car!”

  “No, get your filthy hands off of me,” she tried to pull away.

  “No!”

  “How many people have you slept with while you were with me Lucas ?”

  “I’m not much on sleep” he threw her over his shoulder and dropped her in the car. “If you get up I will put your ass back in.”

  She grabbed the keys, “Answer me? Did you sleep with Jenny?”

  He shook his head and looked down, “Give me the fucking keys Tessa!”

  “Answer me!”

  “I don’t have to-- I already told you once,” he said.

  “How many others?”

  “One,” he said, “Are you happy now?”

  “Now that I know you’re a fucking lying cheat? No Lucas happy isn’t the word, disgusted and stupid come to mind,” she said. “Take me home, please. How could you expect all that you have from me! You never loved me, you loved the idea of a girl like me!”

  “And what’s that Tessa… a little wallflower nympho?”

  “Yes that’s it,” she said. “I’m embarrassed that I ever listened to a fucking word you said. Lucky for you my wallflower ass gives a fuck about you and unlike you and your desire to publically humiliate me I won’t ever talk about what you really are!”

  “Whatever Tessa I’m sick of hearing your voice, maybe you should suck my dick to keep your mouth busy.”

  “Thanks Lucas” she laughed. “I probably will never suck a dick again, but the next guy who wants my ass I’m going to do it and call you after!”

  “You’re funny Tessa, no ones going to want it,” he said and laughed. “You have no ass anymore!”

  “I’m so glad I’ll never have to deal with you again,” she said quietly.

  “Back at you BABY,” he turned down her road.

  “Just for your future conquests if you pride yourself on not being a liar, just don’t be! And find a new pet name baby is lame,” she started laughing.

  “It’s funny Tessa?” he asked “it turned you on, you and the three after you.”

  She laughed, “Good to know I am not the only idiot.”

  “No, you take the cake! All I had to do is act like I cared and you would have done anything I wanted. And you believed I wanted a baby with you, unreal,” he laughed.

  She took in a deep breath and held it, afraid if she didn’t she would fall apart.

  “Oh that one stung, didn’t it Tessa? What--- nothing more?”

  She felt tears, and she started to shake. She rolled down the window.

  “Pull over!” he did and she got out and threw up.

  She started walking, and he got out she threw up again. She was shaking and crying and throwing up as he stood there watching her.

  “Get in the car!”

  "I can walk from here!” She threw up again.

  He pulled her hair back, “Don’t touch me!”

  “Tessa.. I didn’t fuck Jenny,” he said angry at himself.

  “Lucas I don’t care!” she wiped her mouth with her hands.

  “When I was with you there were two, and you know about them,” he handed her his shirt. “Wipe your face.”

  “I want to walk from here.”

  “No, I picked you up I will drop you off.”

  “The two were over the past few weeks, and I used condoms. Your ass is desirable, and I’m sorry about the baby comment. I wanted our child. I still wish it hadn’t happen, I don’t know how to respond to you! I don’t know how to leave you! I don’t know why I fucked around on you! I know I have lost you and I have no idea what to do either! I tried to hurt you again. Come on your cold get in,” she got in and turned on the heat, her teeth chattered.

  “Please come home with me. I leave in ten hours. I’m sorry this is not how I wanted to leave.” he hugged her. “I’m so sorry. Both happened after the last time we..”

  “Lucas I don’t want to know anymore, please take me home,” she looked out the window.

  Lucas turned around and drove back to his place, he opened her door and pulled her out. They walked in, and he grabbed her some clothes.

  “Take a shower Tessa.”

  She did and dressed and walked out and laid down and fell asleep. She only woke once, and she was wrapped around him. She fell back to sleep, and he held her tighter. She woke up in the morning to him rubbing her back and kissing her head. She got up and brushed her teeth and went to the bathroom. He was in the doorway and walked her back to the bed, and she laid down. He brushed his teeth and took a shower. He came out, and she covered her head not wanting to see him naked. He threw on a pair of boxers and laid down next to her and pulled her over to him and lightly kissed her face and moved to her lips. She kissed him back, and they held each other. She rubbed his chest and looked up at him and kissed him again. Tessa and Lucas held each other until they heard a car pull in. They got up and went downstairs, and he made her a bowl of cereal, her kind. He kissed her softly.

  "Good m
orning.”

  She smiled and hugged him, “No it’s not.”

  Lucas smiled and kissed her again.

  “Good morning you two,” Jose walked in

  “Good morning,” Lucas said not letting go of Tessa.

  “Good morning,” she said softly.

  “You all packed and ready?” Jose asked.

  “Yes,” Lucas said, “Bags are in the garage, I just have to pull the SUV in.”

  “I can do that,” Jose grabbed the keys and walked out.

  He held her “You going to eat?” he asked, and she shook her head no.

  ”Will you change your mind and ride with us to the airport?” Tessa shook her head no again.

  ~

  They pulled in to the farm and Kendall walked out.

  “Good morning Tessa, glad you’re here, I won’t have to ride home alone.”

  Lucas smiled and got in the back with Tessa. She snuggled into his arms and stayed there until they pulled into the airport. He kissed her, and she kissed him back. They all got out of the vehicle.

  “I’m not going in. I have the wrong shoes on,” Tessa smiled looking at him.

  “Okay,” he hugged her, “I’ll meet you in there,” he nodded to Jose, “Tessa I’m truly sorry.”

  “Lucas we have talked enough kiss me and leave,” she smiled sadly.

  Lucas finished kissing her, and he walked away. He turned around and saw her touching her lips and tears falling down her face. He took a deep breath and walked in the airport.

  Tessa sat in the car and cried until she saw Kendall walking out. She dried her eyes on his sweatshirt and smelled him.

  Kendall hugged her, “You’re going to be alright.”

  They drove home, and Tessa ran upstairs and fell asleep.

  Her phone chimed, and it was him

  -We’re here in very sunny California, flight was good. Sorry Tessa…Lucas

  -I am glad you are there safely. Thanks for the text, kick butt Lucas Links…Tessa

  Lucas had gone from signing his texts Lucas and not LL. He was across the country at the same place he was when their relationship ended. He was starting over where he had made the decision that ended them. Tessa was stuck here, a place she fell in love. A place where life spiraled out of control for her in the past almost five years. This place of comfort now became her private hell. It did so because of the choices she had made things she knew were not right.