Sad Love

by Mj Fields

  “I need my favorite student on stage,” Adam spoke into the mic.

  Tessa walked up and hugged him, “it’s been awhile.”

  He showed her the song, and she shook her head no, the band started playing Don’t Speak by No Doubt.

  “You and me, we use to be together, everyday together, always. I really feel like I’m losing my best friend, I can’t believe this could be the end,” she started and saw Lucas and Jose she kind of flubbed through the next part and Adam stood next to her and nudged her and smiled, she continued, “Our memories, well they can inviting, but some are all together mighty frightening. As we die, both you and I, with my head in my hands I sit and cry. Don’t speak I know what you’re thinking…”

  Tessa ended the song fighting impending tears. She looked down, and Adam hugged her. He motioned for his band to play, and he walked off the back of the stage with her. She cried, and he hugged her.

  “Not easy, huh Tessa?”

  “No, it sucks,” Tessa laughed.

  “You’ll get through it, but you need to stop turning away from what you really want in life and its right in front of you Tessa, you just have to grab it,” Adam lifted her face and smiled.

  “She’s going to be fine and you certainly aren’t what she needs or wants,” Tessa turned, and Lucas was standing there all sorts of messed up.

  “Is this the asshole that broke your heart Tessa?” Adam glared at Lucas.

  “Yeah but I can fix it, you on the other hand need to step off of what was and will be mine again, ” Lucas walked towards them.

  “Where is Jose?” Tessa stepped in front of Lucas.

  “Tessa move!”

  “I don’t think so there, killer,” Tessa laughed nervously, “What’re you going to do fight him one handed?”

  “Cool one handed, Lucas. I’ll keep one behind my back… even the field,” Adam teased.

  “Adam you have a little girl!”

  “Is that what it is with this tattooed freak, a ready made family?” Lucas pushed into her.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Is this really why we can’t fix this, this punk ass bitch?”

  Adam laughed, “Did he hit his head a lot last season Tessa?”

  “No, Lucas it was because as you told our families, you were balls deep in the bitch in San Francisco the same one you had at our house the day I left. It has nothing to do with Adam or anyone else, but you and I. Haven’t we gone through this already!”

  “Tessa he’s an asshole, if you want me to take your mind off him for a couple hours I can squeeze you in, she any good Lucas?” Adam goading him on.

  “That’s it,” Lucas pushed past Tessa, and she fell down “Let’s go freak!”

  Jose grabbed Lucas and Kendall helped Tessa up.

  “Tessa he any good with his mouth? I have a tongue ring… you’re going to love that,” Adam laughed.

  “Adam stop it! Lucas what are you doing! Does it have to be like this? I quite!” she ran out from behind the stage and into Phoebe, “Can you please take me home?”

  “Sure can,” she grabbed her hand, “Kendall could you tell Alex I will be at the farm?”

  “Tessa… don’t leave,” Lucas yelled from behind her.

  “What did you do now jackass,” Jade biffed him in the back of his head.

  “Seriously what is wrong with you two?” he rubbed the back of his head and ran to Tessa, “Baby I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t call me that! It doesn’t make me feel good or special it reminds me of the girl you were screwing when I walked in to your fuck pad in San Francisco! It pisses me off! And when will you stop being sorry? Lucas I hoped better for us, I wanted to be your friend! Adam is my friend nothing nasty and you just made it feel… dirty,” Tessa kept walking.

  “Tessa talk to me please,” he begged.

  “Right now I have nothing nice to say! Have a great night,” she slammed the door, and they left.

  ~

  They walked into the farm house, and Tessa thanked Phoebe.

  “You want me to stay?” Phoebe asked “I’m still here Tessa,”

  ”I want you to tell me all about that niece or nephew of mine,” Tessa smiled.

  “Will you tell me what Lucas was talking about the day Alex and I stopped over to tell you?”

  Tessa looked down. “I was pregnant, but it was a tubal. I’m okay but it was hard and we worked through it together.”

  “When?” Phoebe asked quietly

  “Well I lost it on New Years day about three and a half years ago. Probably a blessing although I am not sure how. Phoebe I think I need to get away. I’ve been saving money and am thinking about signing with a traveling nurse team. But first I need to take a break. I need to find myself. I’m no good to anyone like this.”

  “As long as you can be here when I deliver I’ll support you in whatever you do. I love you” she hugged her.

  “I love you too. And I love him, please don’t let Alex hate him, he needs good people in his life. He’s a good person we just suck together.”

  “Okay if that’s what you want. I promise to do my best.”

  “I’m going to bed; I have to work a twelve hour shift in eight hours. Thank you Phoebe.”

  ~

  Phoebe walked into the fair and saw Lucas surrounded by a bunch of girls. He was drinking and flirting wildly. She saw him leaving the fairgrounds with one of them and she ran up and pushed him.

  “She wants nothing more than for you to be okay. Do you think you could not screw one of our hometown whores? Save it for San Francisco!” Phoebe yelled

  “Who the hell are you talking about bitch?” the blonde pushed Phoebe.

  “She was talking to you. She’s pregnant keep your dirty ass hands off of her,” Lucas slurred.

  “You were enjoying my hands on the flying Bobs and were all about using my mouth until this pregnant skank came up,” she grabbed at him

  Lucas stumbled back, “Your mouth would have been full of baby gravy, and I wouldn’t have to listen to your annoying voice, that deal is over,” Lucas turned towards Phoebe. “Pregnant skank let’s go find your husband.”

  “Baby gravy Lucas?” Phoebe laughed.

  Lucas walked her to Alex.

  “She was picking a fight with some girl I was about to um…make a mistake with. She got shoved, you’re okay right?” Lucas asked.

  “Yes,” Phoebe said and laughed.

  “What’s so funny?” Alex asked.

  “Baby Gravy, Lucas?” Phoebe giggled.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Alex snapped as he looked her over, ensuring she was in fact all right.

  “You should make her show you later,” Lucas winked and walked away.

  ~

  Alex pulled into the farm with a four month old female labradoodle.

  “What’s this?” Tessa asked.

  “It’s a dog they’re going to put down because they can’t find a home for her. The word bitch holds true with her on both counts,” he said as Tessa opened the cage, “Be careful she’s nippy.”

  She licked Tessa’s hand.

  “Yeah she is ferocious. Come here girl” she grabbed her collar and got her out, “Why are you nasty? I don’t think they know what they’re talking about. Those vet students have another year for a reason, you are so sweet.”

  “You want to keep her for a few days.” Alex asked “Just to see what you can do with her?”

  “Alex I’m working twelve hours today and trying to pick up a shift tomorrow.”

  “She can be crated I’ll let her out. If I take her back she’ll be dead, your choice.” He said, “Just try Tessa try to love something other than him try to love her.”

  “I know what you’re doing,” the dog licked her face.

  “Is it working?”

  "We’ll see. What’s her name?”

  “I was thinking Leia” he smiled, got in his truck, and pulled out.

  “Alright Leia can you run?” she asked, “Beca
use it’s what’s keeping me sane right now maybe it will help you, too.”

  They ran for two miles, and Leia was dragging. They came back to the house, and Leia was very friendly with her family.

  "You're not vicious at all," she put her in the crate with food and water and left for work.

  Chapter 28

  Kendall was going to take the Jose and Lucas to the airport in the morning. Tessa was trying her best to find a shift to cover so she would be busy. She needed to keep herself busy. She had been doing a great job staying away and convincing herself and anyone around her that she was doing wonderfully. Her heart ached for him and she still needed to know he was alright. As hard as Tessa was trying to find a shift to cover, overtime wasn’t panning out today. Go figure on the day I needed it, it wasn’t available she thought.

  Her phone chimed it was him

  -I need to see you..LL

  -I don’t know, Lucas …Tessa

  -Tessa , please I just want to talk…LL

  -Than come down I’m not going up there…Tessa

  -See you in an hour…LL

  Tessa showered and was outside playing fetch with Leia when Lucas pulled in. He got out and walked over and hugged Tessa, Leia growled and showed her teeth.

  “New dog?” he stepped back.

  “Yeah they were going to put her down because she’s mean, but she likes me. Leia this is Lucas ” she laughed.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Luke and Leia, Star Wars,” she laughed.

  He bent down “Nice to meet you Leia”

  He tried to pet her, and she snapped at him and growled.

  “I don’t thinks she likes me” he laughed.”Did you name her?”

  “No, Alex did.”

  “Can we walk?”

  “Sure, come Leia” she said, and Leia followed her.

  “I leave in the morning,” he said. “I want to say I’m sorry again, for the other night not just the Adam thing but the girl.”

  She looked confused, “What girl, Lucas?”

  “Phoebe didn’t tell you?”

  "Nope.”

  “Okay well some girl gave me a hand job on a ride,” he looked at her.

  “Thanks for sharing… I needed that.”

  “Okay so now I should lie to you? I never have before, and now you want me to?” he asked.

  “Let’s make a deal, we don’t talk about our budding relationships to each other. It does nothing but create hurt and then comes doubt and then comes the desire to be needed and then comes make up sex and then comes the inability to breathe or move and then we end up here anyway,” Tessa said in an exasperated tone.

  “So you’re with someone?”

  “No Lucas, but if and when I do met someone, I would never want to hurt you with it.”

  “But you won’t lie to me either?”

  “No, but really Lucas why are we discussing this?”

  “Probably because honesty was the second best thing about our relationship.”

  “And the first?” She asked quietly looking down.

  “You loving me anyway,” he grabbed her hand.

  Leia growled, “Easy angry, bitter, mean bitch.”

  Tessa laughed, “I don’t think she likes you either.”

  “Did you tell her stories-- because animal like me,” Lucas smiled.

  She laughed, “None yet.”

  “Can we walk down there?” he asked, “On sacred ground?”

  “Sure but only because I am taking you, it’s my place, got it?”

  ~

  They walked down to the bottom of the falls and Leia splashed in the water trying to catch a tadpole.

  “It is extraordinarily beautiful down here”, he looked around.

  She sat against the tree “Yep, it’s heaven on earth.”

  Lucas looked up and saw a heart with their initials carved in it a number 4 and ever.

  “Did you do this?”

  She smiled, “Yes I did.”

  “When?” he asked.

  “Four years ago.”

  “What day?”

  “The day after we knocked boots for the first time,” she laughed.

  “And the second and third I believe,” he said, “I feel the same thing in my heart for you today Tessa.”

  “I know,” Tessa put her head on his shoulder.

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I do to,” she said softly. “Lucas, it hasn’t changed. But there is still always drama and other girls and fighting and pain. But I won’t do it to you anymore, and I don’t want you to do it to me. I’ll never doubt that we loved each other Lucas. That would make it all a horrible waste of time. It just didn’t work. We need to be friends or it’ll just be a waste. I don’t want it to feel like that. Ever.”

  She stood up. And walked to the water, Lucas followed.

  “You’re going to have an amazing life, and so am I,” Tessa smiled up at him.

  “How can you be so sure we’re over? How can you stand here and talk about us like we’re not completely connected forever if you stopped breathing Tessa I would, I know this to be true, why can’t you feel it?”

  She hugged him, “Lucas I don’t know the answers to anything right now, but if it hurts you have to stop doing it. We’re no different, we’re the same stubborn ass kids that we were five years ago. We haven’t changed so how can our situation?”

  “I have changed Tessa, you could never see it though,” Lucas said in anger.

  “Okay I haven’t. I’m an emotional hot head and love the same boy that hurts me. You are the same beautiful, hot, sexy, giving, smart, hard working, almost perfect boy that I fell in love with all those years ago. Whether or not you see it, I’m not enough for you Lucas, I’m not,” Tessa continued looking at him “Don’t you see how hard it is to admit that to myself? To feel like something is wrong with me that I can’t possibly fill all of your needs and then I try to believe, and I do believe that there is someone out there for you that can complete you and someone out there for me that will love and desire everything about me. Someone who when they leave my sight I won’t be scared they’re with someone else.”

  “That’s how I make you feel?” he asked. “Tessa, is that what it has been for you?”

  "No… not always," she said. “There were perfect moments and lots of them. But you are missing the point Lucas. I want you to find the one who never makes you want another again, I believe in that, you deserve that. I want you to be happy and never sad again.”

  “I can’t fucking do this with you!” Lucas turned away, “I want to have one night before I leave to have you smile and laugh and talk to me, can you please do that Tessa instead of making me feel like shit?”

  She looked sadly at him “No one said this was supposed to be fun or easy or make either one of us happy.”

  “I want to go do something with you. Something that doesn’t make me think about tomorrow or knowing your head is not still in this or that when I leave, you will never talk to me again. I need you tonight.”

  “It’s not going to hurt any less tomorrow or a week or a month from now,” Tessa said softly.

  “Tomorrow is a new beginning for me. Tonight I walk away from what I fucked up. Can you just do that for me?”

  “Sure Lucas .” How can he expect this from me, stupid girl, she thought. “Let’s go down to the fair”

  “Okay, thank you,” Lucas let out a breath.

  They walked up to the house in silence.

  “I’ll pick you up in an hour, thank you for sharing your place with me,” he hugged her.

  She walked into the house, and Leia followed her. She went upstairs and cried. Leia licked her face and put her paw on her.

  “We are one messed up pair,” she pet her.

  ~

  Tessa woke and went down to the bathroom to shower. She let her hair air dry and put on very little makeup. She wore Capri’s and a tank top that didn’t fit her snugly anymore.

  Lucas pulled in all
smiles and looking perfect with a stupid white hat on, she walked out and rolled her eyes.

  “You okay?”

  “Yes, lose the hat or I won’t get in,” he laughed.

  “It’s my lucky hat,” he opened the door for her.

  “I bet,” she said.

  “Are you going to pout all night or can we have fun?” he asked as he pulled out of the driveway.

  “Does it really matter?”

  “Nope, you’re here with me, be as nasty as you want to be,” Lucas grabbed her hand and kissed it.

  She rode in the car and sat back she was annoyed at herself. He turned on the radio.

  “Sing to me?”

  She looked at him and sat back.

  “You sing,” and he did and she laughed.

  They walked in by the concessions, and he grabbed her hand and looked at her, “This okay?”

  “Whatever you want Lucas.”

  “I want you to have fun,” he hugged her.

  And I want to heal she thought. "I will.”

  “What do you want to do first?”

  “Get a drink,” she said.

  “Alright,” he pulled her behind him through the crowd.

  They walked to the beer tent, and she bought four drinks, two of which she slammed. She handed him one, and they walked out past a group of gawking women. Tessa flipped them off.

  “Tessa what are you doing?”

  “Having fun Lucas,” she slammed her drink and took his.

  “You might want to slow down Tessa,” he whispered in her ear.

  “You might not want me too,” she winked at him.

  He looked at her, “Is this already something you planned to do tonight or is it the beer?”

  “Does it matter?” she kissed him.

  “Do you want to?”

  “Heart yes, Head no, Who Who, absolutely,” she laughed.

  “I don’t know Tessa.”

  She laughed again. “I need another drink.”

  “Why are you getting drunk?”

  “So I can ask you to bite them again,” she laughed.

  He smiled, but she could tell he was disappointed.

  “You’re mad at me?”

  “No, I’m not,” Lucas said. “But I am hungry, we should get something to eat.”