Faith (My Misery Muse)

by B. Betzold

  I sighed. “I’m in a different situation.”

  “Exactly, which is why he should help with everything.”

  “Yeah, your right; he either helps—like really helps and participates, or he can go.”

  “Yep, let it be his decision, but in all honesty I don’t think he wants to be involved.”

  “Yeah, he’s said that already. I’m just worried he’ll try and make my life difficult.”

  “Good thing to be worried about, cause he’s an asshat.”

  So what are the guys doing about their lawsuit?”

  “Nothing, turned it over to their lawyers to deal with,” she said, “as well as mine for the bodily harm crap, not sure if they are dealing with Drake's at the same time. I think that’s what they want to do.” “So speaking about Drake, what’s going on?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “Yes, you are now spill.”

  “He wants the whole show, relationship, monogamy, family, and I’m just not sure I can do it.”

  “You are not your mother, Mags.” She replied, “You will not turn out like her, you are not chasing men from state to state or city to city to land the ‘one.’ You are thinking about starting a relationship with a man who loves you and your daughter; someone who you love.”

  “I don’t love Drake.” I scoffed.

  “Uh huh, yeah, keep telling yourself that.”

  “No, I care for Drake. The sex is out of this world. I know he’s told me he loves me, but I don’t know what that means, or if he really does.”

  “Wait, my brother's told you he loves you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “He’s got it worse than I thought.”

  “Huh?”

  “The only people Drake tells he’s loves is me, Jaks, and Cait. If he’s saying it to you like actually verbally communicating those words, don’t doubt him on it.”

  “I don’t think your right that he actually means it, but I don’t want to argue about it.”

  “I love you, Mags, but do not hurt my brother; I can honestly say if you push him away it will be the worst mistake you ever make.”

  Drake

  “Shhh, it's okay Cait, Daddy will be back. I am going to take care of you, just like Uncle Drake takes care of Mommy. Shhh honey, you don’t need to cry,” Jaks whispered.

  I walked into the living room and found a fussing Cait lying on the floor and Jaks trying to make her feel better by patting her tummy. That little boy can both break my heart and make it feel ten times bigger in the same moment.

  I looked over and saw Mags and Devi watching them from the doorway to the kitchen. Devi wiped a tear away. I wanted what my sister had, kids, a family, now I just had to get Mags to realize she wanted the same thing.

  Jaks leaned over and kissed Cait’s pudgy feet and she reached out and grabbed a handful of his hair causing him to whine.

  “Hey Taz, need some help?”

  “Yes, I was being nice; why is she being mean?”

  “Ah Taz, she’s not trying to be mean, she’s a baby and doesn’t know it hurts,” I told him while untwining her fingers from his hair.

  He sighed. “X said all girls want is to make boys hurt, but sometimes in a good way.”

  I looked at my five year old nephew not knowing what to say to him. What the hell is X teaching him?

  “Uhm, maybe we shouldn’t really pay attention to what X says.”

  He cocked his head to the side. “So then I shouldn’t call someone a milf?”

  Oh hell, he was a dead man. “What?” I sputtered.

  “X said that my mom was a total milf, and now Mags is one too.”

  Yep he’s a dead man. “No I don’t think you should use that term, just ignore what X says.”

  He nodded. “Okay, Uncle Drake.”

  “I’m going to kill him,” Seth muttered. I hadn’t realized he had come back in the room.

  “Ouch Fuck, Devi,” we heard X yell.

  “I think she beat you to it.”

  “Yeah and she’s meaner than I am,” he said with a smirk.

  After I finally kicked everyone out of my house except my girls and Sam, I went into the family room and vegged out on the couch with Quinn sleeping on my chest.

  “I swear woman if you take another picture of me I will break the fucking camera,” I said quietly so I wouldn’t wake my princess.

  She laughed and walked over and sat down beside me, I entwined our fingers and brought her hand up to my mouth to kiss it but she wiggled her fingers out of mine.

  I sighed. “Mags,” I murmured.

  “You’re really good with her.”

  “I’ve had some experience with babies.”

  “Yea, you were always great with Jaks, now with Cait and Quinn too.”

  I shrugged. “I love them.”

  I thought I heard her whisper, ‘there’s that word again’ under her breath. Hell, she still hadn’t let it go, and I was starting to wonder if she ever would get over it.

  “So you staying tonight?”

  “No, I don’t have her stuff here, and I need to get some work done tomorrow before the meeting with the lawyer.”

  “You want me to go with you to the lawyer?”

  “No, that’s okay.”

  I sighed. “Mags, you don’t have to do this on your own.”

  “Yea I do, she’s my daughter.”

  “She would be mine as well if you would just let this work.”

  “I can’t Drake. I just can’t, and you are pushing too hard too fast.”

  “Fine,” I bit out, “do whatever the fuck you want, I am done trying to convince you.”

  “Drake…”

  “What, Mags? What do you want from me? A proposal because I would marry you in a fucking minute, I would be her dad, her real dad; a dad is not a sperm donor.”

  “You don’t mean that, you can’t you’re not even her biologi—”

  “Fucking some girl and getting her knocked up does not make you a father, Mags. Trust me I know, I had a sperm donor, not a father. Seth is a father, he’s there he takes care of them and more than financially, he teaches his kids, hugs them, kisses them, plays with them. He’s a father and that’s what I would be for her, don’t you see that?”

  “Drake, don’t make this harder.”

  “Mags, life is fucking hard; I thought you were stronger than this, though.”

  “Fuck you, Drake; you don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Don’t I? You’re running away again.”

  “No, I am being a responsible parent; I cannot let her get attached to you for you to split later. I need to know that this will work first.”

  “Oh for fuck's sake, Mags, I wouldn’t do that to her or you.”

  “How do you know that? Something could happen and you just poof one day.”

  “That’s how life works, you never know what tomorrow will bring, you live for the moments you have and let what happens, happen, honey, you can’t control the what ifs.”

  “I won’t do it to her, Drake.”

  “You know what, do what you want, Mags; I’m done.” I handed her the baby and got up.

  I walked into the kitchen; Sam was standing there with a look of pity and what seemed to be understanding in his eyes. “Can you make sure they get home?”

  “Don’t do anything stupid, Drake.”

  “I’m not; just I need to get out of here.”

  With that, I grabbed my keys and cellphone and headed out to my truck.

  “Hey, you busy?”

  “Nope, why?”

  “Mind if I come over?”

  “Nope, see you soon.”

  I hung up and started my truck, I looked back at my house, inside was everything I wanted and what I wouldn’t get. I slammed my fist against the steering wheel until it bled. “FUCK,” I yelled then drove away, I had to get away from here before I went back in and we restarted the whole argument all over. I don’t think I could feel my heartbreak more than once today.
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  Chapter 23

  Mags

  I woke up to someone pounding on my front door. What the hell? I looked over at the clock it was five-twenty three am. Who the hell would come over that early and try to beat my door down; I groaned, Drake would.

  I stumbled through the house trying to get the door before Quinn was woken up or the police called.

  “What the hell do you want, Drake?” I said while opening the door, only it wasn’t Drake.

  “Get your shit together and let's go, Mags,” growled X.

  “What, what are you talking about?”

  “Is the baby's bag packed?” he asked while going through Quinn’s diaper bag. “Where’s her car seat, probably be better to take your car, we don’t have time to get her base in my car,” he rambled while getting the car seat out and on the couch. “I’ll go get her, Ash is at Devi’s with Cait and Jaks after we get there, I’ll drop you off then bring Quinn to Devi and Seth’s. Now come on, Mags get your ass together and let's go,” he barked.

  “What the fuck is going on, X?”

  He finally stopped and looked at me and then paled. “You don’t know?” he whispered.

  “I don’t know what?” I nearly yelled.

  “Jesus, Devi called and Seth and everyone called and left you messages. Haven’t you answered your damn phone?”

  “No, Devi called like five times in a row followed by Seth, I just figured she wanted to yell at me about Drake so I turned it off.”

  “Oh my god, you’re a fucking bitch, Mags. Your best friend fucking needs you and you think it’s about you and your drama,” he yelled.

  “Whoa, what the hell, X?”

  He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, sorry been a rough fucking night,” he said. “Drake was in a car accident.”

  I would have fallen to the floor if he hadn’t caught me. “What do you mean?”

  “He left my place and some fucking drunk driver ran a red light,” he gritted out.

  “Is he okay?”

  “No Mags he’s not, it, uhm…” he had to stop and clear his throat. “It's, uhm, not good, honey. He, uh, they don’t think he will, uh damn this fucking hurts, they don’t think he will make it,” he finally sobbed out.

  “NO!” I screamed, and he wrapped his arms around me whispering nonsense until I could breathe again.

  “Mags. Mags, you can’t fall apart right now, okay, just give me twenty minutes and you can, but you have to get some clothes on, and I have to get Quinn, okay?” he asked quietly.

  I nodded and stepped out of his arms and then went on autopilot to get dressed while X put Quinn in her car seat. He carried both her and the bags out to my car and waited for me to hand him the keys.

  I got into the car robotically; we headed to the hospital and Drake.

  Xavier dropped me off at the hospital and told me where to go then drove off taking Quinn with him. I took a deep breath and headed inside. The doors swished open and the smell of industrial cleaners, antiseptic, and sickness came at me causing my stomach to turn. No, I had to keep it together I couldn’t lose it now; I needed to get information and to check on Devi, then I could crack.

  After tracking down nurses and some other people, I finally made my way to the waiting room everyone was in, I took a deep breath and walked in the room. Sam and Eli were sitting in chairs whispering with their heads close and when I walked in, they stopped looked up at me. Sam glared at me then went back to talking to Eli. I looked around the room and found Devi curled up in Seth’s lap with a death grip on his T-shirt crying.

  I walked towards them and she looked up at me, her eyes were empty, it was like Devi was missing and I couldn’t stop the tears from coming any longer. She looked so small and broken, and I had no idea how to help her. She buried her face back in his chest and if possible tucked him in even tighter to herself. Seth looked at me and I could see the pain there, he tried to give me a smile, but it was more like a grimace; he started rubbing Devi’s back murmuring into her ear.

  “He’s in surgery,” Eli informed me.

  “Uhm, what happened?” I asked not knowing where I fit into this anymore.

  “He was T-boned by another truck that ran a red light. He, uhm, they had to…” he stopped and took a deep breath, “they had to restart his heart, the EMTs did, when they showed up. They’re not exactly sure how long he was uhm, well yea anyway, when they got there so we don’t know if…” he trailed off.

  “They’re not sure how much damage was done to his brain,” finished Sam.

  “Okay, what else?” I whispered, tears streaking down my face.

  “A lot of internal damage, some broken bones, and uhm, his spine had some damage. They aren’t sure how much yet,” Sam answered.

  I nodded holding the back of a chair so I didn’t collapse; the sob I was holding back finally freed itself.

  “He’s in surgery now to repair the internal bleeding, and try to uhm, save his leg.”

  “His leg?” I asked numbly not really hearing anything anymore but the blood roaring in my ears.

  “Yea it was uhm crushed on impact, they aren’t sure yet.”

  “Anything else I need to know?”

  “His heart stopped once in the ER after they got him to the hospital, uhm, it’s really not looking good, Mags” finished Sam quietly and Devi whimpered.

  I sat down hard in the chair beside Seth. I couldn’t believe this; I could lose him. I didn’t want to lose him. God, I didn’t want to lose that man, he pissed me off like no one else, but he was, he was the man I loved. Fuck, I am stupid.

  Seth

  I sat in the uncomfortable chair holding my wife and watching her heart break, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I never wanted to see her like this, ever, she was empty, and I knew she couldn’t handle much more. When I saw Mags walk in the door I was instantly both pissed off and pitied her. She hurt my brother, repeatedly, we had all heard about what happened after we left his house today, and how he was with X afterwards. I wanted to hate her for that, but I couldn’t; I knew she was scared and that was what made her say what she did. I pulled my girl closer and held her tighter. I told her over and over that her brother was strong, that he wouldn’t leave us without a fight, that he loved her but I don’t think she really ever heard me. I didn’t know what else to do for her but hold her close, and show her she wasn’t alone and that I loved her. We all waited quietly for any kind of news the only sound was the occasional sniffle and whimpering from Dev. I brushed some tears from my own cheeks off and tried not to give up hope.

  I don’t know how long we sat there waiting for news that could destroy the world we knew, or to give us hope that it hadn’t shattered. X came in at some point and sat on the other side of me occasionally reaching over and rubbing Devi’s back or whispering something to her. And we waited for our lives to change. I thought about what I would have to say to my son, hoping that I wasn’t ending his innocence. I thought about my daughter; how she could lose a piece of her childhood, a piece of her family before she’s ever had the chance to live. I thought of my beautiful wife and how I didn’t know if she or I could put the pieces back together. And we waited for an eternity, to learn if our brother, our lover, our friend would be coming home to us.

  Chapter 24

  Mags

  We all sat there in the eerie silence, lost in our own thoughts and emotions; none of us knew what to do or say to make this better. No one able to lighten the mood by telling a stupid joke or pissing Devi off for fun, there was just nothing. There was waiting, there was hoping, there were deals to be made with whatever deity was listening, and there was nothing.

  I knew everyone now knew what had happened between Drake and me earlier. Everyone knew that I blew him off again, that I told him no again. I would have to live with that. I would have to live with knowing that I had caused this, that if I had just told him how I felt, that if I had just tried to listen to him, that maybe things would be different right now, that I would be lying in
his arms right now. Every other person in this room knew I loved Drake Matthew Porter before I had, every one of them knew that he loved me, and everyone knew that I had thrown that in his face hours ago.

  I couldn’t look at Devi, I couldn’t see the emptiness there I had caused. The gut wrenching sadness on Seth and Xavier’s face turned my stomach, Sam wouldn’t look in my direction, and poor Eli was in the process of telling Drake’s parents what had happened. I wasn’t sure what they would do or say about it, they hadn’t talked to him in years, hadn’t wanted anything to do with him or Devi, so what would they do now? Show up and acting as the doting parents, or would they do what they normally do, nothing.

  Eli hung up the phone looked at Seth and shook his head. Seth shrugged his shoulders and pulled Devi closer to him not letting an inch of her go.

  “Should we, uhm, maybe call Cris and them?” Eli asked.

  “No,” whispered Devi, “no one else.”

  “Okay baby, we won’t call anyone else,” Seth replied quietly.

  We all went back to waiting after that, Eli or Sam leaving every now and then to take phone calls, Xavier going to get everyone coffee that no one drank. We waited and we waited to find out if he would survive.

  I didn’t know how much more I could take of not knowing, of not doing anything. I looked down at my watch and realized it was mid-morning and I had been here for four hours. What was taking so long?

  “I’m going to call Ash and check on the kids,” I murmured.

  Seth nodded. “Thank you,” he whispered back. I wasn’t sure if Devi even heard us, or realized we were there at this point.

  I walked out into the hall and found X and Sam arguing.

  “I don’t care that you don’t want her here, Devi does. She said she wanted her best friend here with her, that Drake would want her here. I don’t know about you, but I am not about to tell her she can’t have something right now,” said Xavier nearly yelling.

  “She’s the reason he’s here,” growled Sam.

  “No, he’s here because that fucking bastard decided to go out to a frat party and get drunk then get into his truck and drive,” Xavier gritted between his teeth. “That’s why Drake is here, and if he heard you trying to put this off on her he would kick your ass.”