Faith (My Misery Muse)

by B. Betzold

  “But he’s not here, he’s not here because she was a cold hearted bitch to him, because she…” he trailed off when he noticed me standing there.

  “Go ahead, say it Sam, can’t be any worse than what I already think about myself,” I whispered.

  He turned and stormed out, we watched him go, then Xavier turned to me.

  “Maybe I should go,” I said.

  “No, Devi wanted you here, that’s all that fucking matters right now.”

  “Okay,” I replied quietly. “I’m going to call Ash and check on the kids.”

  He nodded and turned around to walk away then spun back around and hugged me hard. “You know he's still in love with you, right? He spent hours over at my place trying to talk himself out of it, but honey, he couldn’t, he still wanted you and his princess.”

  When he released me, I wiped the tears from under my eyes and left, I needed to breathe, someplace to breathe.

  Xavier

  I watched as Mags nearly ran out of the hallway, not that I could blame her, Sam had been a prick. There was nothing I could do about it now. I knew, unlike Mags, that he wasn’t just angry with her, for whatever slight he thought she had made, something was going on with him and he wasn’t talking.

  I walked back into the waiting room and saw Devi curled around Seth. I knew she wasn’t sleeping, but she wasn’t crying anymore either and I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. This whole thing was hitting just a little too close to home for me, I had to stay busy or memories would come that I didn’t want or need at this moment.

  I sat down beside Seth, closed my eyes and took a deep breath, fighting off the memories of the last time someone I loved was in an accident. I was just hoping for a better ending.

  “You okay, man?” asked Seth quietly.

  I nodded.

  “You sure?”

  “Yea, just bringing back old haunts is all.”

  “Yea, I do know.”

  “How is she?”

  “Honestly, I don’t have a fucking clue.”

  I reached over and rubbed her back. “Devi, sweetie, you need anything?”

  She shook her head no, which is more than we had gotten in the past hour, and you could tell by the relieved look on Seth’s face he was starting to worry about that as well.

  “All right Sweetie, let me know if you do.”

  I closed my eyes again, but this time I saw my father lying through the front windshield of our car, my arm going the wrong direction, then blood lots and lots of blood.

  “I’m, uhm, going to get some more coffee,” I said to no one in particular.

  Seth gave me a concerned look and nodded his head slowly. I just needed to get of there, I needed to move, and sitting in once place brought back the demons.

  I finally made it downstairs, found the nurses' smoking area and bummed a cigarette off someone. I had quit smoking a year ago, but I couldn’t just sit there thinking about losing my father, thinking about possibly losing my friend, my brother. I was worried about whatever Sam was dealing with; I was worried about Seth because this would fuck with his family. I worried about Devi; she would lose the one person who has always been there for her no matter what. I worried about Mags the most; I knew what it felt like to have that kind of guilt fester. I worried about all of them but there wasn’t a fucking thing I could do.

  Chapter 25

  Mags

  I walked into the corridor, saw someone in a doctor's coat head into the waiting room, and took off running. I had to know, I was slowly driving myself insane with what if scenarios. The largest one of all, what if I lose him, what if I never get to tell him that I finally realized I love him.

  I walked in the room and everyone glanced my direction then back to the doctor.

  “So he now has a titanium rod in his left leg, his femur was broken in three places. We are keeping him sedated for now. We just aren’t sure what will happen regarding the swelling on his spine. Best case scenario the swelling on his spine could go down on its own. We just don’t know at this time,” he said.

  “Uhm, what about lack of oxygen?” asked Sam.

  The doctor sighed. “There really is no telling until he comes out of sedation, for now we are just waiting and watching. He will be brought into ICU as soon as he’s out of recovery,” he finished and left.

  “Well, at least we know something now,” said Seth stroking Devi’s back.

  “Yea the waiting sucks,” X agreed.

  “So anyone you want us to call now that we know more?” Eli wondered.

  Seth looked over at Devi and she shrugged. “Yea go ahead and call Cris, Max, Cin and let them know what happened and what’s going on,” Seth said.

  “Devi, the kids are fine,” I said. “Jaks is asking questions but Ash’s been able to put him off for now.”

  “Okay then, I will call in a little while.”

  “So what do we do now?” asked Sam.

  “Breakfast,” replied X, “we are all leaving and getting breakfast.”

  “I don’t think—” Devi started to say.

  “I don’t care, Devlin, you are going to eat. We're all going to go get something to eat; when he’s in his room they will let us know, until then there is nothing for us to do.” X interrupted.

  I nodded my head. “Yea, sounds like a good idea, but let’s not go far, okay?”

  “I was thinking the cafeteria,” replied X.

  We all headed down to the cafeteria. The guys pulling hats low to help cover their faces; none of us wanted to deal with doting fans now, and we had a very quiet very morose breakfast. No one really talked and no one really ate, we just stared at our trays and moved food around. All of the guys giving covert glances towards Devi and me but we both pretended not to notice.

  I couldn’t stand the pretending crap for any longer and finally got up and tossed my uneaten food in the trash and made my way back to the waiting room, Devi not far behind.

  When we made it to the waiting room we had been given, Devi grabbed my arm. “It’s not your fault, okay?” she said quietly.

  I had to wipe the tears from my eyes. “Yea, it is.”

  She shook her head. “No it's not. You guys had a fight, he left, so what. It doesn’t make it your fault. The asshole who hit him is who’s at fault.”

  “If I hadn’t—”

  “Aw Mags, don’t play that game with yourself. This happened and we will all help each other through it,” she said giving me a hug. “But it’s not your fault.”

  I nodded and wiped my eyes. “Thanks.”

  “It’s what best friends are for.”

  “Okay, so what do we do now?”

  She shrugged. “We wait.”

  So we waited and we watched the guys come in, and waited. Finally, someone came in letting us know that he had been moved to a room and that we could see him, but only two people at a time and only for five minutes at a time.

  I glanced over at Devi and she gave me a look I understood immediately—is it okay? I nodded my head, she should be the first to see him, and she needed Seth there with her.

  “I don’t think you girls should go in by yourselves,” Seth voiced his concern.

  X scoffed, “Ya think?”

  Seth shot him a look. “X, can you go in the room with Mags?”

  “Can do.”

  “Ready, baby?” Seth asked Devi.

  “No, not really, but let’s just get it over with.”

  I stood up and gave her a hug. “We’ll get through this like everything else, together, kay?”

  “Yep,” she agreed, “that includes you finally realizing you love my brother.” With that, she winked and left.

  I should have known she would know what I was feeling and thinking before I did. I swear, at times, she’s psychic.

  Devi

  Seth held my hand as we walked into the ICU department, the floor plan was open, with beds lining the walls and curtains giving the illusion of privacy. I looked around the room for
my brother but didn’t see him anywhere. I was beginning to think we were in the wrong place when I heard Seth’s gasp and looked up at him. I followed his eyes and what I saw had me shaking my head there was no way that was my brother.

  “No…no nno no no no nno,” I kept saying without realizing I was actually speaking tears streaming down my face.

  “Come on baby, it’ll be okay,” Seth whispered into my ear.

  “No, that’s not Drake, that can’t be Drake.”

  He pulled me into his arms. “Shhh honey, it will be okay. Your brother is strong, and he wouldn’t leave you for the world,” he murmured into my hair.

  Drake was strong, and he wouldn’t leave me if he could help it. He was my rock, he was my touchstone when my world went wonky; he wouldn’t leave me.

  We walked over to his bed and I just stared. There were so many wires and tubes on him, there were machines everywhere. I didn’t know where to touch. What little skin I did see was bruised and beaten. He looked so small lying there, my big protective brother looked so small, and I was scared that I might lose him after all. I didn’t know how to live without Drake being here with me, he had always been there with me. He was there when our parents were more concerned about their friends and social standing, he was there when they fought; he was there when Mom's boyfriends would come to the house, he was there when Seth left; he was there when Jaks and Cait were born—he was always there. I don’t have many memories where Drake wasn’t a part of them, and I didn’t know what I would do if he wasn’t there for the rest.

  “They have him swaddled like we swaddle Cait to sleep,” Seth murmured.

  I don’t know why but this made me laugh, thinking of Drake having to be swaddled and walked around the room and bounced to sleep made me giggle. I knew that we would be okay, Drake would be okay, that life would be okay, we just had yet another hurdle to jump, but we could do it.

  I reached over and stroked his face. “I love you, bro. Now get yourself well, and get your ass out of this bed because I need you, my kids need you, and Mags needs you, no matter what she says; she needs you. So you better get well soon.” I kissed his cheek, stood up and wiped my eyes.

  Chapter 26

  Mags

  We were waiting for Devi and Seth to come back to the waiting room, when Jaks ran up followed by a disheveled looking Ash.

  “I’m sorry, the girls are running out of food, I am sure you and Devi are in need of some kind of relief at this point, and I didn’t know how to answer any more of Jaks’ questions,” Ash said really fast.

  “It’s okay, Ash,” Eli stated.

  “Hey, lil man, come here,” X uttered, holding his hand out to Jaks. He went straight to him and curled into his side.

  “Is Uncle Drake going to die?”

  “Do you want the truth or do you want me to make you feel better?” X questioned.

  “X, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Sam warned.

  “It’s his decision,” X countered.

  “But he’s only five, man.”

  “Jaks?” X said his name like a question.

  “The truth, Uncle X,” he whispered.

  “We don’t know, buddy,” X stated. “The doctors are working really hard to get him better, but we don’t know yet.”

  Jaks nodded his head and took a deep breath. “Okay.”

  X kissed the top of his head. “I promise they are working really hard to make him better.”

  I took Quinn’s car seat from Ash and started unbuckling her so I could hold her close. I needed to hold her close; I needed the comfort she would give.

  “Where’s Mommy and Daddy?” Jaks wondered.

  “They went to see Uncle Drake, he’s sleeping right now, but they wanted to go check on him,” replied X.

  “Okay, I brought my DS so I won’t bother anyone, and I will be really quiet, but I don’t wanna go back home.”

  “We’ll have to ask Mommy and Daddy, okay?” X told him.

  He nodded and pulled out the DS X had gotten him for his birthday, and curled back into X’s side.

  Devi and Seth came back a few minutes later, Devi was wiping tears away but when she saw Jaks and Cait, she smiled.

  “Hey baby, when did you get here?” she asked Jaks.

  “I dunno,” he mumbled paying more attention to his DS than his mom.

  Seth took Cait from Ash and sat down. “So, he looks pretty rough, a lot of things hooked up to him, and a lot of bruising. It's rough seeing him like that.” He ended kissing the top of his daughter's head.

  “Mags, you ready?” X inquired.

  I nodded and handed Quinn back to Ash. I don’t think anyone is ever ready for something like this but I needed to get it over with.

  X and I walked into the ICU and looked around, it was so sterile and white. I finally found Drake lying in a cocoon of blankets, his leg was in traction, and a cast on his left arm. His face was bruised and there were some cuts and a tube down his throat to help with his breathing. He didn’t really look like Drake, but what skin I could see I saw tats I knew were his. I wiped away tears I hadn’t realized were running down my face. He looked broken, not like the strong, stable man I knew.

  X let me go by myself but there wasn’t much privacy in a place like this with nurses going everywhere, and other people visiting, but I was grateful he tried.

  “If you wanted a sponge bath, you should have just asked,” I told him, trying to make light of the situation, but I didn’t even know if he could hear me.

  “You know I came to a few conclusions while waiting around for you to show up, and well the biggest one is that I love you too, now I just need for you to wake up so I can tell you,” I told him. “See, the way I see it, Quinn and I need you, and so you need to get better, open those pretty eyes so I can tell you all of this.” I wiped a tear from my face and looked over at X, he smiled and walked over to Drake's bed and put his arm around me.

  “You need to get better, buddy, but while your down I will take care of your girls,” he said. “I know you would probably prefer someone else, but they are stuck with me for now.”

  A small laugh escaped and I nudged him in the ribs, he oofed like it hurt and rubbed his side. “What is it with you girls being sadists?”

  I shrugged, “Don’t know but you enjoy it.”

  He shook his head. “You better get well soon, man; I don’t know how much abuse I can handle.”

  I kissed Drake on the cheek. “Love you,” I whispered in his ear then turned and left so the next person could come and see him.

  Sam

  “You can stay as long as you need to,” I told her. “It won’t be a problem if I keep staying at Drake's, but I need to get going, call me if he gives you any more problems, okay?”

  “Yea, I will and thanks for the help.”

  “Not a problem, Doll.”

  “Bye Sam,” she said before hanging up.

  I walked back into the hospital. I didn’t get why she kept going back to the situation, I only hoped she would eventually realize I would help her.

  I walked back in the room and found both Mags and Devi back and nursing the babies. I looked around the room and Eli and Cin were gone, and Cris had shown up.

  “Who’s back there?” I asked.

  “Cin and Eli just went back,” Devi replied.

  “Need anything?”

  She shook her head. “No, I am doing okay.”

  We all knew that wasn’t true, but I wasn’t about to call her out on it. I couldn’t even look at Mags, it may be irrational but I still thought this was all her fault, if she hadn’t hurt him again he wouldn’t have left. I took a deep breath and sat down. I really, really hated this shit.

  Chapter 27

  Mags

  We were sitting talking about what we would need to do next. X suggested a schedule so that someone would always be with him, but so we could all eat, shower, take care of the kids the day to day stuff that needed to be handled. Devi and I, of course didn’t want to le
ave him at all, but we both had young kids to take care of, and I had work to do to be able to pay my bills. Since we had no real timeframe on when he would be brought out of sedation, or what would happen after that the guys decided to cancel the rest of their tour. They said their label would be pissed but they didn’t really care, leaving me and Devi here to handle all of this wasn’t an option.

  Eli and Cin came back from visiting Drake and Sam and Cris got up to go take their turn. Sam was pissed at me, and I can’t say that I blame him, I wasn’t too happy with myself.

  Cin plopped down beside X and started running her hand over his thigh. “So what’s wrong with him?” she asked.

  We all stopped our discussions and looked at her—was she fucking serious?

  “What?” Devi choked out.

  “I mean, he looks like shit,” she said.

  “He was in a car accident,” X gritted out removing her hand from the inseam of his jeans.

  “Well yea, but what’s wrong with him? ” she asked putting her hand back on X’s thigh.

  Jaks looked up at this point had a look of absolute fear was on his face. “Is Uncle Drake ok?”

  “He’s the same buddy, Cin is just being an ass,” replied X.

  Jaks looked at him. “Are you sure?”

  “Yea buddy, I am.”

  Jaks nodded then went back to playing his DS and we all let out a breath.

  “What the hell was that about,” hissed X.

  “I was just wondering,” she replied with a what I assume supposed to be a seductive look on her face. “You look stressed X, want me to help you with that?”

  “I swear to god, Eli, if you do not get your sister out of here I will not be responsible for my actions,” seethed Seth.

  Eli nodded, shot X an evil look, then grabbed Cin's hand and dragged her out while she pouted at X. What the fuck is wrong with her today?

  I looked over at Devi, I am sure we both had the same look of what the fuck was that. I looked over at X and he just looked pissed.

  “It’s like good twin and evil twin,” Devi muttered.

  “Hold on, they're twins?” I asked.