by Cathy Glass
‘I see,’ I said hesitantly. Carers are expected to take any child referred to them within the age range they are approved to foster. It’s not a pick-and-choose situation – all these children need a home. I was currently approved to foster newborns to sixteen-year-olds, so I would be expected to take Connor. I could say no, but it would have to be for a very good reason.
‘His social worker is aware that you’re a single parent and have two young children,’ Jill continued. ‘Ideally she’d like him to have a male carer but none are free. She said she’s sure that if he goes to an experienced carer who can manage his behaviour he will settle down.’
‘I see,’ I said again. ‘Does he have any history of violence?’ I asked, mindful of Adrian and Paula.
‘At home there have been incidents but not in school. He has no respect for his mother.’
‘And you think Adrian and Paula will be safe? I obviously don’t want to place them in danger.’
‘I think Connor will be hard work to begin with, but with firm and consistent boundaries I’m sure he will soon settle.’ Which wasn’t exactly what I’d asked, but was probably as much reassurance as Jill could offer.
‘All right. When is he arriving?’
‘I’ll speak to his social worker and call you back. Assuming they’re granted the Care Order on Thursday, I expect they’ll want to move him on Thursday evening or Friday.’
‘OK.’
An hour later Jill phoned back, having spoken to Connor’s social worker again. She said that Connor would be brought to me on Friday evening so he had the weekend to settle in before going to school on Monday, and more details would follow. ‘His social worker said to say thank you,’ Jill said. ‘She’ll call you on Friday morning, if not before.’
We said goodbye and I replaced the handset and then played with Paula and the building bricks.
When I hear a child has challenging behaviour I do worry, not only for my own children, but about whether I will be able to meet the challenge, and manage and improve the child’s behaviour. However, I’d done it before (albeit when I’d been married), so there was no reason to think I couldn’t do it again.
That afternoon I told Adrian that we might be having a ten-year-old boy come to stay with us at the end of the week, although I didn’t burden him with talk of challenging behaviour. Connor’s behaviour would be my responsibility and to tell Adrian – to forewarn him – could have worried him, and may also have become a self-fulfilling prophecy: if you believe something about a person or situation, it is more likely to become true. As it was Adrian would take Connor as he found him and I would be keeping a close watch on him, and practising my ‘safer caring policy’, which all foster carers now had. This included keeping the door to the room where the child was open and not leaving them unattended. Paula, of course, was at the age when she trusted everyone unless they proved otherwise, in which case she would get very upset.
The week passed. Paula’s nursery stayed shut but was hoping to open again the following week. I had Connor’s room ready, although I hadn’t heard anything further. When the telephone rang late on Friday morning it was Jill. ‘About Connor,’ she began.
‘Connor’s social worker hasn’t telephoned,’ I said.
‘No. Sorry, she’s been very busy. She won’t need the placement right now. An aunt of Connor’s who is already looking after one of his half-brothers has come forward and offered to look after Connor as well. The social services are looking into her suitability and carrying out a preliminary assessment. They are back in court the week after next so there won’t be a decision until then. The judge agreed that Connor can stay with his mother in the meantime.’
‘All right,’ I said, a little disappointed. I’d grown used to the idea of Connor and had been looking forward to the challenge.
‘We won’t keep the placement open,’ Jill said, ‘so I’m sure it won’t be long before you have another child.’ She paused and I heard her take a breath as though she was summoning up her courage to say something unpalatable. ‘But I need to talk to you about another matter.’ Her voice was now flat and serious, and I immediately wondered what I’d done wrong.
‘What’s the matter?’ I asked.
‘Am I right in saying that Alex didn’t show any signs of disturbed or challenging behaviour while he was with you?’
‘No. He coped with everything remarkably well. Why?’
‘Debbie phoned me this morning. There are problems.’
‘Problems? Already? Not with Alex’s behaviour, surely?’
‘Perhaps the move has unsettled him or maybe Rosemary is panicking, but when Lin visited her on Thursday she said she wasn’t coping.’
‘Not coping with Alex?’ My voice had risen and Paula, who was playing nearby, looked over. ‘What is there not to cope with? He’s a lovely little boy and he’s only been there a few days.’
‘I know,’ Jill said evenly. ‘We’re not sure either exactly what the problem is, but Rosemary told Lin she thought that perhaps they should have had more time to get to know each other.’
‘It’s a bit late for that now!’ I said, emotion getting the better of me. ‘What is Alex supposed to have done?’
‘Apparently, Rosemary said there have been some instances between James and Alex. Lin said it sounded as though James was jealous.’
‘That’s hardly Alex’s fault,’ I snapped.
‘I know, and Lin has explained that there will be a period of readjustment for everyone. James is having to share his home and parents with a new brother, and Rosemary is having to share her affection between two sons now. Lin has reassured Rosemary that it’s not uncommon, but she thinks it might help if you could visit Rosemary and have a chat with her. You’re used to looking after children who aren’t your biological children and you could help reassure her.’
‘Yes, of course, I’ll do what I can, but I’m really not understanding this at all.’
‘To be honest, neither am I. Lin did say that it was unusual to have problems this early; it’s more likely to happen after the “honeymoon period” is over – in a few months.’
Which did little to dispel my concerns. ‘When does she want me to go?’ I asked.
‘Lin has suggested Tuesday morning, if you are free. The sooner the better.’
‘OK. I’ll see if my parents can babysit Paula, otherwise I’ll have to take her with me.’ It was a day Paula didn’t go to nursery.
‘Thanks. I’m sure that will be fine. I’ll let Lin know, and then call you back and confirm. Shall we say about eleven on Monday? Then you and Rosemary will have done the school runs.’
‘Yes, all right.’
We said goodbye and I slowly replaced the handset. My heart was drumming loudly and my mouth was dry. This didn’t make sense, and I was worried sick about Alex.
Chapter Ten
Another Matter Entirely
I telephoned my parents and Mum said she and Dad could come on Tuesday and look after Paula; they’d be delighted to. I said that I didn’t know how long I would be and the place I had to go to was an hour’s drive away, but I’d leave some lunch ready for them. Mum told me they could meet Adrian from school if necessary. Although I was sure I’d be back in plenty of time, it was reassuring to have this safety net. I just hoped it didn’t snow, as the country lanes leading to Churchwell would soon become impassable and I doubted they’d be cleared very quickly.
That weekend Alex was never far from my thoughts. But having got over the initial shock of learning there was a problem, and so early on, I soon convinced myself that, as Jill had suggested, Rosemary had panicked and with some reassurance would be fine. I could identify with that feeling of panic. I’d experienced it on occasions with children I’d fostered when things weren’t going as well as I’d anticipated. It’s a sudden crash of confidence that I’m not up to the task in hand, so I take a step back, calm myself and then work through the issues – whatever they are. In my experience, once you’ve overcome these cha
llenges the bond with the child becomes stronger for both of you, and, of course, the longer you know each other the more secure and confident you feel, until you reach the point where you’re both completely relaxed and the child is just another family member.
By Monday Rosemary would most probably have overcome her feelings of inadequacy and be positive again, maybe even managing a smile at her previous reaction. Adopting a child is a huge, life-changing commitment and nothing can fully prepare you for when the child actually moves in. Perhaps a longer introduction might have helped, as Rosemary had suggested, and if she or Edward had mentioned it we could have slowed the pace. But from my point of view the timetable had been appropriate for Alex, so there’d been no reason for me to request a longer introductory period. I guessed it was possible that Alex had become unsettled from the move and, if so, as an experienced foster carer I had plenty of strategies that would help Rosemary. So all in all, on Monday morning as I waved goodbye to Paula and my parents I was optimistic.
It was a cold, bright day, the winter sun shining in a cloudless sky. With no children in the car to be kept amused on the journey I didn’t have to listen to children’s songs and stories, so I switched on the radio and tuned it to a local station that played easy-listening music and gave news bulletins, traffic and weather reports. There’d been a heavy frost during the night, which had produced some treacherous driving conditions early on, but now the route I was taking seemed clear. As I drove my thoughts turned to little Paula, who’d been so pleased to see her grandparents. She’d have a great day with them; all that love and attention. And even if I was back in time to meet Adrian from school, which I hoped to be, Mum and Dad were going to stay on so they could see him. They’d always been loving grandparents, but since my husband had left we’d all become even closer, and my father was a good male role model for the children.
The journey to Churchwell ran smoothly and I pulled onto Rosemary and Edward’s drive at 10.55. I’d become familiar with the approach to their house during the introductory period, when I’d brought and collected Alex, although I hadn’t expected to see it again so soon. Rosemary answered the door as soon as I pressed the bell, dressed smartly as usual, and with a polite but restrained smile. ‘Good morning, Cathy. It was nice of you to come. I’m sure you’ve got better things to do.’
‘It’s good to see you,’ I said, also a little restrained. I followed her into the living room, neat and tidy as usual.
‘Do sit down,’ she said, waving to the immaculate cream sofas. ‘Would you like a coffee?’
‘Yes, please.’
Rosemary went to make the coffee as I sat on one of the sofas. There were no toys littering their living room as there were at my house, as the boys kept their toys in their bedrooms here. The house seemed strangely, unnaturally quiet now. On all my previous visits James, Edward and Alex had been in so there’d been talk and movement, but now, with Rosemary in the kitchen at the rear of the house, there was just the absolute silence of the type that can only be found in the middle of the countryside.
Rosemary returned with the cups of coffee on a tray and passed one to me. ‘Thank you, I’m ready for this,’ I said with a smile.
‘Who’s looking after Paula?’ she asked, settling on the other sofa. ‘Lin said you might have to bring her.’
‘My parents have come for the day.’
‘That’s good of them.’
I nodded and we both sipped our coffee. There was then a short, awkward silence before Rosemary said, ‘I feel embarrassed you’ve been sent. Did Debbie tell you what happened?’
‘Jill, my support social worker telephoned me. I don’t know all the details. But please don’t feel embarrassed. I’d have been more surprised if there hadn’t been any problems at all.’
‘That’s kind of you to say,’ Rosemary said and concentrated on her coffee cup. Then she looked up and away before bringing her gaze back to me. ‘Perhaps it’s asking too much of James to share his life and home with another child after so long alone.’
‘What makes you say that?’ I asked, immediately concerned.
‘They had a fallout over the weekend. It started off small – about James not wanting to share one of his toys – and then it escalated. James got very angry, especially with me. He said I didn’t have time for him any more and Alex was my favourite and I loved him more. Which is obviously ridiculous. But Edward took James’s side and agreed with him that I was spending too much time with Alex. I got upset. It’s true, I have been spending more time with Alex, but that was to help him settle in and make him feel included. I mean, this has always been James’s home; he shouldn’t need constant reassurance that I love him, should he?’
‘Yes,’ I said, with a relieved smile. ‘James will need lots of reassurance, to begin with at least.’ Rosemary looked slightly taken aback. ‘It’s very similar when a new foster child arrives,’ I said. ‘My children, who are usually content and happy to amuse themselves, suddenly start demanding attention, even little Paula, who can burst into tears if she doesn’t get it. I’ve heard other carers say the same. Sometimes you feel as though there aren’t enough hours in the day and you’re being pulled in all directions at once. Then after a few weeks it all starts to settle down.’
‘You see, that’s the difference between you and me,’ Rosemary said fervently. ‘You’ve had that experience. I haven’t. James was very good about sharing his toys and me during the introductions, but suddenly he’s become possessive. When he was angry he even said he didn’t want a brother any more. Thankfully, I don’t think Alex heard. But you say that’s normal?’
‘Yes. James is bound to feel it. He’s been an only child for all his life, then suddenly it’s all changed and he sees you loving and caring for another son.’
‘But what can I do about it?’
‘There is quite a bit you can do to help,’ I said. ‘Put aside some one-to-one time each day just for you and James. That’s what I do with Adrian and Paula. You’d be surprised what a difference it makes – even just fifteen minutes a day. It’s your precious time together and it will make him feel special.’
‘I can see that, but I’m just wondering when. Our days and evenings are full.’
‘Alex is younger than James,’ I said. ‘Does he go up to bed before James?’
‘Yes.’
‘So once Alex is in bed and you’ve read him a story and given him his one-to-one, you could then do the same for James.’
‘He usually does his violin and cello practice then.’
‘Can he do fifteen minutes less or go to bed a bit later?’ I asked. ‘If not, perhaps you could take Alex up to bed fifteen minutes earlier. I think it’s really important to fit in some time with just you and James. Is Edward able to help in the evenings?’
Rosemary shook her head. ‘He’s rarely home before eight o’clock on weekdays. He’s here most weekends though. In fact, he suggested something similar yesterday.’
‘Oh yes?’
‘We all went out for our Sunday-morning bike ride. It was the first time we’d done it with Alex. But he can’t ride as fast as James, and James was becoming frustrated at having to keep waiting for him. So in the end Edward said that he and James would ride on ahead and I could do a shorter ride with Alex at a slower pace.’
‘And it worked?’
‘Yes, I suppose it did. Although when we got home James kept boasting about how far he and his dad had ridden compared to Alex, so I told him off.’ Rosemary looked at me with self-recrimination.
‘Don’t beat yourself up,’ I said. ‘Having two children is as new for you as it is for James to have a brother. Give yourself time. Make sure James has one-to-one time with you and Edward, and obviously give both boys lots of love and attention. Tell James how much you love him and are proud of him.’
‘He knows that.’
‘But say it. He needs to hear it right now. You’ve waited so long for another child – with all the build-up, the reality can be a bit o
f an anti-climax.’
Rosemary’s expression finally lost its anxiety. ‘So you think I’m expecting too much too soon?’
‘Yes.’
‘Perhaps that’s the answer to my next question. Or rather confession.’
I looked at her questioningly.
‘This is difficult. I wasn’t going to mention it, but I don’t feel the same towards Alex as I do towards James. Alex is so affectionate, he wants lots of hugs and kisses, but it doesn’t feel natural to me. It’s like I’m hugging a stranger. I didn’t feel that with James when he was little and I used to hug and kiss him.’
‘You had all the time in the world to bond with James, right from when he was a baby,’ I said. ‘Of course you won’t feel the same towards Alex straight away. Bonding comes gradually from what we do for the child, shared experiences and just spending time together. Each time you do something for Alex – wash his hair, hug him, read him a story, help him with his school work or tuck him into bed – you will grow closer and your bond will strengthen. Love will gradually replace affection and you’ll feel a comforting familiarity when you hold him close.’
‘Do you really think so?’ Rosemary asked.
‘Yes. Absolutely. Some of the children I foster throw themselves into my arms as soon as they arrive. I hug them as much as they want, but I’ll admit it feels strange to begin with. I’m used to the feel and smell of Adrian and Paula, then suddenly I have this little stranger in my arms wanting lots of affection. But with each hug it becomes easier, more natural, until it’s as though I’m hugging another one of my children. It will come, I promise you. Just give yourself time.’
‘So you don’t think I’m cold for not feeling the same towards Alex as I do towards James?’
‘No, not at all. If you said you felt exactly the same towards them both so early on I’d be surprised. But I’m sure you will in time. Just make sure you give James as many hugs as you do Alex.’
‘James is too old for all that now and Edward doesn’t encourage it, but I’ll tell Edward what you said. He’s been having difficulties too.’