Messy Love

by Stephanie Witter

  “Then do something. Apologize!’’

  “Why? She’s never going to be my friend, and I don’t want her to be. She’s out of my life as she should be. It’s over.’’

  “Over? Why do you think I sent her a text?’’

  My frown deepened. I hated it when he egged me on, when he wanted to pry things from me I barely had enough guts to face internally. “Go on. You’re on a roll anyway.’’

  “You’ve been stuck in your damn mind. I know you a lot more than you’re probably comfortable. I know it when something’s bothering you, and it doesn’t take a genius to connect the dots.’’

  “And now you want me to go on my knees and beg for forgiveness? Come on. She wasn’t mad when I was inside her, man. She wanted it.’’

  I pushed away the image of her eyes full of pain, the tremble in her voice, the disgust mounting inside me at the thought of what I did. I had to stop mulling over that shit.

  “If you don’t give a damn about her, that’s fine, but I think apologizing would be good for you.’’

  “Don’t hand me some psychobabble bullshit.’’

  He mumbled something to himself and went back to his smoothie, peering outside through the bay window and dismissing me without another word, good or bad.

  Throat tight, heart squeezing and stomach tied into knots, I went to the showers. I moved like a robot, on auto-pilot, while my brain went haywire.

  I barely acknowledged the men in the locker room and quickly stripped and walked to the showers, turning on the water. It drenched me in seconds with a lukewarm jet over my head, washing away sweat, but it didn’t wash away the fucking mess in my head. That’d be way too easy.

  Palms against the cold white tiles, legs parted and head hanging between my shoulders, I closed my eyes. Immediately, Marissa appeared behind my eyelids, so damn beautiful it was all the more painful.

  If only she had been a brat, pushing her away the way I did wouldn’t constantly be on my mind. I replayed, again and again, that moment when right after I fucked her and fucked her over, she looked at me with pain in her eyes before she left, unable to keep me in her line of sight anymore.

  In life most of the time, you knew what should and shouldn’t be done. You had your moral compass well oiled and pointed in the right direction. But then, then fucked up thoughts, doubts, and fears tied to a distant past came back full force, bringing you to your knees and pushing you in the opposite direction and you went. You went South because it felt like you’d lose yourself and die if you didn’t.

  Fear was the most powerful thing inside me.

  Doubts only empowered fear.

  And my thoughts, so often dark, only gave me the last push I needed.

  That thing with Marissa drilled home something I had always feared, always fought tooth and nail, but I had to face it now. I was an asshole. I wasn’t a good man. I was like my biological father.

  My stomach revolted, twisting and turning. I took a deep breath and gritted my teeth when I was about to puke in the shower. Panting and barely standing up on my legs when my body started shaking, I knew I had no choice.

  I wouldn’t let myself be like my father. He dumped me when I was eight. It’s been sixteen years. Sixteen fucking years! My dad, my adoptive father, raised me a lot longer. It had to mean something.

  I turned off the water and grabbed the white towel behind me and wrapped it around my hips. I ran my trembling hands over my face, wiping the water away, and nodded to myself.

  Marissa scared me. Her very existence scared me. She was too beautiful for my own good, and I was sure she would forever change my family, but she wasn’t my enemy. She deserved better than being treated like trash. I owed it to her to do something.

  Slowly, I padded to my locker left open. I quickly checked to make sure my wallet and phone were still there and sat on the bench. I didn’t make a move to dry myself or get dressed. My eyes were lost on the light tiles of the floor as I put my elbows on my thighs and my head in my hands.

  I heard someone walking toward me and sit on the bench not too far away from me. Their eyes burned a hole in the side of my face. I didn’t need to look up to know who it was; Ralph. Somehow, knowing he went looking for me eased off some of the constricting feelings in my chest. Even when disappointed, my best friend was still in my corner. Thicker than blood, that’s how we were. He’s proven it more times than I deserved.

  “What is it, man?’’ he asked, his voice measured as if he was getting ready to face a damn crazed animal.

  I breathed deeply and sat up, but I kept my eyes in front of me, this time looking at the pictures of Ava and me, me and my parents and another one of all of us together pinned inside of my locker door. “Do you have her address?’’

  “I have her number.’’

  I shook my head and finally stared at him. “Nah. I need to do this face to face. It’s… I fucked up.’’

  He nodded and clasped my damp shoulder. His rueful smile made me feel more like shit than anything else, but I didn’t look elsewhere. “You’re doing the right thing.’’

  “Yeah, well, wait until after I’ve talked to her. I’m very good at fucking up a situation that's already bad.’’ I stood up and untied my towel to dry myself. “So, do you have her address or not?’’

  “I don’t. It’s your job to mend things, not mine.’’ He shook his head, shot me a smile and walked away, chuckling under his breath as if he found the situation suddenly so funny. Yeah well, I bet she was going to chew my ass so for him it probably was.

  I quickly put on my clothes and nodded at a few regulars who walked in while I grabbed my phone and sat on the bench again. I was fucking nervous to make that damn call. Nervous! Ha. It’d be laughable if it were Ralph in this spot instead of me.

  I cleared my throat and rolled my shoulders to get some tension away but to no avail. Marissa had been making my blood boil from the moment I saw her on my parents’ doorstep. I swiped my phone’s screen and quickly located the InkSpired number. I pressed call. I didn’t give myself the time to chicken out. I wouldn’t let Marissa pollute my damn mind any longer.

  “InkSpired, Sophie speaking. What can I do for you?’’

  I cringed when Sophie’s cheerful voice registered. Sophie was Marissa’s friend. I bet she wouldn’t help me and would rather hunt my ass down to make me suffer for hurting her friend. Shit.

  “Hm, hi Sophie, this is Wyatt. I was with—.''

  “Oh, I know who you are.’’ Hello, icicles. “Marissa isn’t here if that’s why you’re calling.’’

  My grip on the phone tightened when the urge to throw it in my still open locker hit me. I craved putting Sophie in her place for basically telling me to fuck off without actually uttering the words, but at the same time, I couldn’t blame her. Inside me, a war raged between my darkness whispering to me, enticing me into snapping at this woman and my lighter side who reminded me that she was only a good friend, something I probably didn’t know a thing about anyway.

  “She’s not working?’’

  “Ha! I knew you were calling about her. If you think you’re going to get anywhere close to her, you have something else coming, asshole.’’ Behind her, the music playing softly in the shop only intensified the silence ringing between us as I tried to keep myself in check.

  I wasn’t a patient man, and I had never taken it well when someone openly egged me on, but for the sake of the success of my damn apology, I clenched my jaw and ignored the burning coming from deep within me that told me I should lash out. I gripped my thigh with the hand not holding my cell to my ear and welcomed the bite in my overworked muscle.

  “Listen, I get where you’re coming from, but I need to see Marissa.’’ My voice, rough, sounded tight to my ears, but nowhere near the biting edge, I swallowed back. The woman was already against me; I didn’t want to alienate her more than she already was.

  “What for?’’ she asked, her words harsh. While she had looked pretty mousy and chipper the other da
y, I wouldn’t give much chance to my balls if I stepped foot at InkSpired now. “Do you want to mess with her even more than you already did? She’s better off with you far from her.’’

  “Wait!’’ I blurted before she could hang up, my burning need to talk to Marissa more intense than the urge to snap at her and make her shut her little mouth with my usual sharp tongue. “Fucking wait.’’ I exhaled down the phone and then checked the locker room. When I made sure nobody would hear, I put my elbows on my thighs, my face in my hand and pushed the cell harder against my ear. “I messed up, Sophie. Don’t you think I know that?’’

  “I have no idea, you see. All I know is that you’re a lousy human being and lousy human beings don’t deserve to get close to someone good like Marissa.’’

  “Can’t say you’re wrong,’’ I mumbled and sighed. “But good people deserve an apology. That’s all I want here.’’

  “I don’t see why I’d help you ease your conscience, Wyatt. That’s on you.’’

  “I’m just asking for Marissa’s address.’’

  “Don’t you have her number?’’

  I straightened up and scratched at my temple, begging for all the patience I could muster up, which realistically wasn’t a lot. My damn stomach knotted with the urge to shake Sophie through the phone, but something held me back. Maybe it was because I was torn up over my fuck up with Marissa. Maybe it stemmed from the guilt that drowned me for my mother. I didn’t know what it was, but it held me back and made me feel all kinds of fucked up.

  “Just forget it,’’ I mumbled and hung up without waiting for her to say something else.

  There I was, sitting on a damn hard bench in the gym’s locker room, my phone in my hand and my eyes trained on the fucking picture of my adoptive family, the only family that counted, taunting me there inside my opened locker.

  I was a mess, and I couldn’t blame it all on Marissa this time around.

  MARISSA

  “You should have heard him, Mar,’’ Sophie went on, talking so fast I briefly wondered if she broke down on her coffee ban. Six months ago, she had started drinking tea instead because of what kind of effect coffee had on her. At seeing her, I wasn't sure tea was that much better.

  “Have you had any coffee this morning?’’ I asked as I bit into an apple after finishing cleaning the station I worked on with Kam on the last touches for a huge back piece for a biker who, while looked scarily mean, happened to be a whining bitch once the needle touched his skin.

  “What?’’ She blinked behind her thick-framed glasses and then shook her head. Her ponytail swiveled behind her head, doing a great impersonation of a pendulum. “I won’t ever drink coffee again. Some people swear off tequila, I swear off coffee. Why?’’

  “You sound a bit hyper,’’ I answered around a mouthful of apple and then threw the core in the trash of the office next to the desk. I leaned against the sturdy furniture and crossed my arms over my chest, my frown apparently permanently etched on my face since the debacle with Wyatt.

  “Don’t you care about what happened yesterday?’’ she countered swiftly, ignoring my words and focusing instead on the thing I’d rather ignore and forget.

  “You told me over the phone last night already. Wyatt called. Big deal. Let’s move on now, please,’’ I replied and forced myself not to cringe at saying his name, something that would only betray how bad I still felt. I fished my phone from my jeans and checked the time. “We have to go back to work anyway. Your appointment for a nipple piercing is in ten and Kam wants me to work with him on his next client.’’

  “Alright, but at least tell me if you’re going to answer when he calls you,’’ she said, following me out of the office when she should be staying inside to prep for her appointment.

  “He won’t call,’’ I blurted and turned around, glaring at my friend.

  Sophie stopped abruptly, and her eyes widened at my harsh tone. I immediately felt like dirt for blowing my friend’s head because of an asshole. But she didn’t call me on it. Instead, she offered me a sweet smile and reached for my hand to give it a comforting squeeze.

  “Sorry. I won’t pester you anymore, okay?’’

  “Thank you, Soph. I… I suck.’’

  “No, you’re hurting. I get it.’’ She pointed over her shoulder back to the office. “I better get everything ready for my appointment before Kam burst a fuse. Let the client in when she gets here, would you?’’

  I nodded and watched her retreat into the office after she gave me one last sad smile that hurt me more than I already was. It was like putting salt on a wound. It burned and hurt like crazy, but at the same time, it was good. I hated seeing her sad, more so on my account for something this stupid, but I was also thankful for the kind of friendship she offered.

  Friendships meant everything and took their whole meaning when you were going through a rough patch in life.

  “Marissa!’’

  Startled by Kam’s booming voice, I turned around and walked the rest of the way to leave the narrow hall leading to the restroom and the office to enter the main room where four tattoo stations were set up and the front desk.

  “I’m here, sorry I…’’ I trailed off when I realized that Kam was standing in front of Wyatt.

  My breath stalled in my chest. No air left or entered my lungs, and a slight burn took over my chest. The fire spread through my veins until it touched my heart. It galloped there, right under my ribs as if trying to make a run for it.

  I couldn’t look away from the man who discarded me like I was nothing more than a hole he had used for his twisted pleasure, as much physical as moral. It was impossible for me to see beyond the asshole. I didn’t see his tattoos that had turned me on so much that night, or his dark eyes seemingly too vibrant or his lips so incredible when they kissed any part of my body. I saw nothing but a man that made me feel like I was worth nothing more than being treated like dirt.

  He embodied the mess I launched myself into from the moment I got the sealed envelope from the PI with my birth mother’s information.

  “You okay, girl?’’ Kam asked me, watching me intently as if I was ready to break down or something. I shouldn’t be surprised considering my odd behavior this past week.

  “I'm all right,’’ I said and then looked around the room and found the other two tattoo artists, Jade and Xavier, along with their clients’ eyes on me and the two men standing in front of me. “What are you doing here?’’ I asked Wyatt, my voice flat as I locked eyes with him, determined not to let him play me in my place of work. This was my life, not his. He wanted me out of his life, then he had nothing to do with mine. Period.

  He glanced at Kam and then the others still blatantly watching and listening. The tattoo machines weren’t making any noise anymore. It was deathly quiet saved for Lanyard Skynyrd coming from the speakers.

  “Can we talk outside?’’ he asked, his voice thick and moody. With his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans riding low on his tapered waist and his feet parted, he looked ready for my rebuttal and equally willing to counter me.

  “I’m working. There’s a—''

  “Nah, girl. Take your time,’’ Kam butted in and put the nail in the coffin by giving a friendly punch into Wyatt’s big shoulder and turning away from us. “What is it, you idiots? Get back to work,’’ he blurted with a glare at Jade and Xavier. Immediately, the hum of the tattoo machines reached my ears, but when it usually relaxed me, it didn’t help with my nerves any right now.

  “Come outside with me a minute.’’

  I narrowed my eyes at Wyatt and snorted. “I guess I’m supposed just to do what you want and keep my mouth shut, huh?’’

  His eyebrows knitted and he looked down. “I swear it won’t take long. After that, I’ll leave you alone.’’

  Jaw locked and stiff as a board, I sidestepped him and left InkSpired, walking farther down the street to avoid the others to look. I didn’t need to turn around to tell he was on my heels. The man’s prese
nce was like no other, and my distrust only tuned me in further into him.

  I stopped in front of a liquor store, the one I bought my alcohol from, along with many underage students because they didn’t card as long as you showed a bit of cleavage to the perv manning the store. I couldn’t make out the inside of the store with the dirty windows and the neon flashing in white and red saying it was open. Also, the many adds for shows around town and other events made it hard to find a way to look inside.

  I turned around abruptly and faced the man that had been on my mind way too much. “What the hell do you want now? You screwed me, screwed me over and made me understand to screw off. There’s no more screwing to do here.’’

  “You forgot one.’’

  “Enlighten me,’’ I snapped and kept on glaring at him.

  “I screwed up.’’

  I wasn’t expecting that. My frown eased up then when I noticed he wasn’t playing with me. Sophie had told me he wanted to apologize, but I didn’t believe a word he said. But upon facing him, the way he seemed to soldier himself for an onslaught of insults and the lack of coldness in his voice made me wonder if maybe… Maybe he wasn’t more human than I thought. That didn’t change a thing, though.

  “And?’’

  He rubbed the back of his neck and looked up to lock eyes with me once again. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that.’’

  “Which part, uh? The part where you had sex with me to drive me away from your mother or the part where just as soon as you were finished you ignored me to make sure I’d leave your place feeling like shit.’’

  His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat. “Both.’’

  “Yeah.’’ I shook my head and stared above his shoulders up the streets. Everything was better than staring at the man who made my life harder than it already was. Everything was better than staring at the one person who had made me feel like trash when nobody else had ever been able to do it. “You know, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt that night. I was prepared to overlook your dickish behavior, but that’s pushing it. I will never let anybody walk all over me, even if I’m damn lost right now. You’re a scared little boy inside the body of a man, and you don’t deserve my sympathy or understanding anymore. You wanted me out of your life, Wyatt, well you’ve got it.’’