by Olivia Fox
"I see a table, let's grab it, " she said, leading the way, making sure to flash her sexiest smile at the young man as she passed him.
"Oh my God, I saw what you just did there Miss Wilde! You hussy, I love it. Oh Cayley, don't you love it?! She's back on the horse. Lilian Wilde, sitting in a tree, F. L. I. R. T. T. T..." She sang, then flopped into a chair groaning, "Maybe I do need to slow down the Mojos."
The evening was just what Lily had needed, some unadulterated fun with the girls. Just like old times. She'd even danced a little as the night rolled on, and had skilfully managed to bypass most of the Seb questions, admitting only to a little peck on the cheek. He's married, after all, she'd told them, feeling slightly guilty that, in actual fact, his marriage hadn't been enough to stop her going much further than she really should have. It didn't seem at all clear cut, though. At least, there had certainly been enough doubt surrounding the state of Seb and Ana's marriage to alleviate her guilt while his hands were all over her.
A little after midnight, Cayley and Lily saw fit to call it a night. Lily propped up Emma, both a little worse for wear, and asked if she wanted to brave the night bus.
"Iffwuntoo," Emma replied.
"Ah no you don't, we're cabbing it,” Cayley insisted. “I'll drop you off on the way to mine.” And as events blurred drunkenly together, they soon found themselves in a black cab, hovering in front of Emma’s place, motor running as Emma and Lily got themselves in order.
"You're sujagood mate cha know that," Emma gushed, hugging Cayley and climbing out of the cab.
Lily followed suit, with slightly more control, and gave Cayley a peck on the cheek before waving goodbye.
As Emma fumbled for her keys, Lily's phone buzzed in her pocket. A text from Cayley:
U do smell of ciggies u hussy ;D! Want more details Mon morning xx
Lily shook her head with a smile and tucked her phone safely back into her coat pocket. Well at least now she had something saucy to put in her diary. Drunken giggles from further down the road hooked Lily's attention. Two figures were stumbling in their direction.
"Em!" shouted an all too familiar voice.
Emma seemed to suddenly sober. "Oh shit. No, she wouldn't-" she gasped, as her cousin slowly hobbled closer.
"Em, it's me! Can we kip at yours? Pleeeease?! Oh... Lily. Shit." She started to giggle again then took control of herself. "Look, I'm not with Tom, I'm with... Jay now."
"Jake, " corrected her partner.
"Shit. Yeah, Jake. Couldn't do that to you could I, Lily - not after what you…"
Emma stuffed a tenner into Celia’s hand. "But you did do it, didn't you! Go on, just piss off out of here. Get a cab or something. "
“Aw, come on, Em!” Celia begged.
Jake, the more sober of the pair, linked his arm in hers, and mumbled something in Celia’s ear.
“Fine,” she mumbled, “You’re paying me back though. It’s my tenner!” and together they did an about-turn, heading off in the direction they’d come in.
As Lily followed Emma down into the flat, she was aware she should be feeling something - something other than cold and tired. But she just didn’t have the energy. The sofa bed in the spare room was ready and waiting for her. They each did the bare minimal getting ready for bed - make-up removal and showers could wait until morning - and with a final, weary wave goodnight, they each disappeared into their own lands of nod.
8
“Coffee for the sleepy head!”
Emma had clearly been up for a fair while, and looked surprisingly chipper all things considered. Lily, on the other hand, was feeling ever so slightly like she’d been knocked on the head multiple times with a cocktail shaker.
“Mmm - coffee - Em, you’re amazing.”
“Wait, there’s more,” Emma added, “Your phone's running out of juice so I've plugged it in. See how angelic a house-mate I’d be?! If I could, I'd live with me.”
“Ha! I do remember what you were like to live with, crazy lady,” laughed Lily. Her throat felt like sandpaper. “The service is definitely showing signs of improvement. Two months, then I’m all yours, I promise.”
“I’ll hold you to that. Toast?”
“Thanks but no. Bleh. No food.”
Lily sipped her coffee slowly until she felt almost human again, then joined Emma on the living room couch, grabbing her nearly recharged phone.
“Yay - lucky me - texts from Tom. Oh look, he still loves me. Great, that's us back on track then. Delete.”
“Don't even joke about it,” Emma warned.
Lily kept reading, “And- aw - poor baby - he can't eat for thinking about what he did. Delete. Urgh - more of the same - blah blah effing blah. Delete. Oh this one’s good - he thinks he had commitment issues, but he’s working on them and wants to talk! Ooh - an enticing thought - but - no. Deleted, deleted, deleted. There. Much better. And now for the five emails. Wanna bet at least one's from Tom? Oh yes, here we are, 1, 2, 3 times a feckless moron. Ooh and one half-price offer on a penis extension. Always useful.”
“You could forward it to Tom,” suggested Emma.
“Ha. Tempting!” said Lily. Then, all at once, her voice dropped to a low whisper. “Oh my God…”
“What's up?” Asked Emma, craning her neck in an effort to read over Lily’s shoulder.
“It's from a client.”
Emma sank back disappointed, then suddenly a light bulb flicked on, “Not one of the male clients I keep semi-hearing about? The sexy American or the guy you snogged last night?!”
“Uh-huh. The American, and - Oh Christ...”
“What?! Show me!”
Lily checked the email for any details of a private nature, remembering the 32 page contract of doom, then, satisfied, she read it out loud: “Dear Lily, I've been thinking about your resolution-”
“You told him?” Emma was awestruck.
“It just - kind of - came up. Anyway: I've been thinking about your resolution and I think you should join us next weekend. Nothing flamboyant. Just an informal gathering - a few similarly minded friends having fun with the last of the party supplies. We're preparing a room for you so don't let us down!
G x
Eep!
She decided not to share the P.S. which read: Email/Phone Dr Bellamy (based on Harley Street - map and contact details attached along with official invitation) to arrange a sexual health screening tomorrow- you can go after work, right? She’s expecting you. It’s on us.
Of all the presumptuous little… Oh shit. Suddenly bile rose up I her stomach, as she considered the situation with Tom and Celia. Could he have passed on an STD? Ick. She thanked her lucky stars she’d been on 3 consecutive courses of antibiotics for a throat infection, which had compromised her contraceptive pill, meaning Tom was forced to wear condoms for the last 4 weeks of their relationship. But what about before that? Oh crap, she thought, I’m going to have to ask him.
Lily suddenly became aware of a noise which sounded very much like ‘SQUEEEEE!’, which seemed to be coming from Emma, now jumping up and down on the sofa, doing a little happy-dance.
“You have to go!” She gushed. “I can't believe you told him about the resolution. I'm so proud of you!”
Lily rolled her eyes, “It wasn't like that.”
“Right. Sure.”
“I was ranting about Tom and Celia and it slipped out.”
“As these things so often do.”
Emma flopped back down onto the sofa and looked squarely at Lily, to show she meant business, “So you're going right?”
“I can't go. Seriously. The other male you’ve been semi-hearing about would be there - it would be way too weird.”
Emma waved that away, “You're a free agent. He's not. If he doesn't like that, it's his problem not yours.”
Lily agreed, in part, but a piece of her wondered if it wasn’t a little more complicated than Emma’s black and white synopsis. “I guess. I'd feel so awkward though.”
“Because you
always put other people’s needs ahead of your own. Which is totally sweet and lovely but totally counterproductive to the resolution!”
Oh yes, thought Lily, that. She had to admit, any party involving Grayson would probably make for a colourful diary entry. Possibly technicolour. But what about this whole ‘I think you should sleep with my husband’ thing?! More than likely that would be the outcome of going. That’s got to be a bad idea, she told herself. I can’t. Can I?!
“So you'd go? Seriously?” said Lily.
“Hell yeah!”
“I don't know.”
“Don't over-think it. Over-thinking is your diary’s worst enemy. Just follow your loins and use protection!”
Lily laughed and thumped Emma with a cushion, “You’re insatiable. You’ve been working in Thrills too long.”
When Emma put the kettle on for caffeine round number two, Lily opened the attachment. She told herself there was no harm in reading it - just for amusement. It's not like she'd ever really consider going.
Adored Friend,
You are invited to join us at 8pm, Saturday January 29th, for an intimate gathering. This is a private, no-pay, post-Bacchanal party. Please tantalize us with your presence and luxuriate in ours.
Much love x
RSVP to Pancheva/Harper
*All pre-party paperwork to be completed on site.
Lily’s curiosity was threatening to get the better of her. Nah - not for me, she told herself - shame - in a way - but no. Nuh-uh. Not happening. She tapped the REPLY button. Dear Grayson…
Then she stopped. Could she really pass up this chance to see Seb again. The sex was one thing - he certainly seemed to know how to get her motor running - but more than anything, hard as it was to admit, she just wanted to be around him some more.
Thanks for the invitation…
Sure, if Seb was there, something might happen. Something actively encouraged by Seb’s wife. Would that really be such a crime?
but…
And at any rate, Seb was trying something new, right? He was highly unlikely to even be there. Christ, Emma’s right, she thought, I do over-think things. Oh screw it. She deleted the ‘but’.
I’ll be there.
Lily x
Then she deleted the ‘x’. She read over her utterly emotionless email. Shook her head, and pressed SEND.
9
Mon, Jan 24th
Dear Diary,
Just got back home from my post-work trip to Harley Street - oh boy- how the other half lives!! I don’t know what I was expecting - but not that. All the flowers and luxury leather furniture in the waiting room; all seemed more like a hotel than a clinic. Dr Bellamy was pretty jovial and easy going- which helps a whole lot when you’re being tested for a million and one S.T.Ds. It felt more like a woman to woman chat than a standard GP consultation. She said - and yes this is pretty much word for word - “Listen honey - I test everyone for HIV as a matter of course, but if anyone’s contracted it in past 90 days it won’t show. My advice would be to wear the rubber, no matter what anyone says - oral, vaginal, anal, whatever. And don’t let some joker go from someone else to you without putting on a new one - you understand me? There’s no fool-proof way to stay safe within this kind of set up. Grayson and Ana do their best to keep everyone healthy, but it’s an impossible job.” And my favourite bit - “And remember sweety - it doesn’t matter who’s paid for this test - your body’s your own - don’t feel like you owe anybody a thing, you hear me?!” I think I fell briefly in love with her when she said that.
I agreed to have my results made available all at to Hatherly as they need to have them on file. I’ll get the results the same time they do, so that’ll be a nice treat for me when I get there :-/
Texted Tom to ask how long he’d been sleeping with Celia. Just (JUST?!) a couple of months, he says. We’d had a major dry spell before he dumped me (and dumped on me), so hopefully I’m clean.
All in all, I’ve had better days.
All of which begs the question: WHAT ON GOD’S GREEN EARTH AM I DOING?!!!! Is Seb Harper really worth all this stress and humiliation?! Short answer… maybe.
Yours in need of pizza and a shower,
Lily x
Lily spent the following week in a mild state of panic. Could she really go through with sleeping with a married man? And what if he wasn’t there, she thought. What if I end up all alone at this party, not knowing which way to look?!
Emma had come over on the Saturday, to help Lily prepare, and her presence had been like a tranquilizer. Each time Lily started hyperventilating over something or other, she’d had the answer right away. She’d even brought Lily a present - a lacy white bra and knickers set from Thrills - to help encourage her back onto the horse. If Lily hadn’t known better, she’d have thought Emma was in on the Hatherly secret. She’d brought a bunch of dresses over too, as all Lily’s seemed to have Tom memories attached. And although Lily was a little taller - and a lot less curvy - for the most part, Emma’s dresses were a decent fit.
Between them, after much agonizing, they finally settled on a red dress, with her black pumps. Emma had tried to push for the heels, but it wasn’t going to happen. Lily had enough to worry about without falling over in those babies again.
By 5.30pm, Lily was on her way to St Albans, from where she’d catch a cab straight to Hatherly. The journey was excruciating. She just couldn’t relax; popping breath fresheners; worrying over stray body hair; asking herself what in God’s name she thought she was doing.
The huge driveway running up to Hatherly twinkled with tiny electric lights. Well done Gav and Rob, she thought. She’d been oblivious to most of their hard work on Monday, but the effect was pretty magical. One of the house-keeping crew, a bespectacled gentleman in his early 70s, met her from the cab, and led her to a prim little office room. There, she was given a glass of water, and asked, politely, to wait for Mr Paige. It all felt very much like she were preparing for some kind of job interview. She almost wished she were.
Grayson marched in with a smile on his face, carrying an envelope. He grabbed a bunch of files from a high shelf, sat down opposite Lily and began rifling through them. Lily was surprised to see him wearing 21st century clothes; a regular hoodie and jeans. She realised she was staring a fraction too late.
"Don't worry, I'll be back in the toga before you know it," he laughed.
Oh great. Good one, Lily. Start as you mean to go on.
"Here's your copy of the medical," he said, handing her the envelope. We've already seen our copy, and I'm delighted to inform you you're clean- as far as we can possibly tell. Same goes for everyone else you'll meet tonight. But - and I'm going to get you to sign this - just so's we have it on record that I've done the spiel - we strongly advise you not to take any risks.”
He passed her an official looking document.
“Bellamy told you about the 90 day thing right?! It basically renders the HIV test totally fallible- so unless you totally trust someone and you're damn sure you know where they've been, rubber them up. Sign please-"
Lily, mildy mortified, scribbled her name.
"Now the reality is, people take risks. Guys don't like to be blown wearing a John, so make your own choices - but my advice to you is clear, right?"
Oh Jesus. "Right,” she said. “Sure.”
There was still time to turn back. Now, where had she put those running shoes… “Look, Grayson," she started. Don't blush - oh perfect - thanks cheeks… "I don't know if I'll want to do anything at all. That's OK, isn't it? Because if it's not, then maybe I should go. Maybe you got the wrong impression about me."
Grayson shook his head, "No honey, you do as little or as much as you feel like, OK? And I'm going to be looking out for you so you're as safe as houses."
"OK. Thanks. Good."
"That's if you make it as far as the party," he added. "Ana's pretty keen to get you and Seb alone together, so let’s just play it by ear shall we?"
By this point, Li
ly’s cheeks were so hot she thought they might actually be a fire hazard.
Moving on with the formalities, Grayson walked Lily through a document not a million miles away from the 32 pager she'd already signed, then explained a bit about pleasure party conduct. Guests were expected to shower, though not necessarily together. Condoms were obligatory, and internal toys were 'not to be shared', though Grayson assured Lily that there were more than enough to go round. Lily, in turn, assured him that this really wouldn't be an issue.
He then gave her a lily to wear in her hair - white flowers apparently being the non-verbal sign of pleasure party virginity - and told her to keep it visible. “Better to be upfront about these things,” he’d said.
Oh for pity’s sake, she thought - at first - but on second thoughts, wondered if having visible L-Plates might not be such a bad idea.
When all was stamped and sealed, Grayson pulled Lily’s bag over his shoulder and led her through to the East Wing where, as promised, a bedroom had been prepared for her, together with en-suite bathroom.
“I’m gonna tell Ana you’re here, OK?” he said, “Just get settled in - relax - take a shower, and I’ll see you if and when you decide to join the party.”
Grayson kissed Lily on the cheek, and left her to her own befuddled devices. The room was not at all unlike the one she’d embarrassed herself in, the previous Monday, and she suspected there’d be plenty more embarrassment to come.
She decided to take Grayson’s advise and have a shower - alone - while she had the chance, figuring it might just help her unwind. Soon, Lily was wrapped up in fluffy towels, feeling fresh as a daisy. By the time she’d reapplied her make-up and restyled her hair, she had to admit she felt better. She wouldn’t have used the word ‘calm’ exactly, but she did feel a little less inclined to head for the hills. A definite improvement.